Realism of a Drama

Every girl has to has a bitch. That's for sure.

2011-09-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I get to this. It all started with kindness but turns out to be the worst deed I've ever done in my life. Well, I guess that's for the best since out of this worst deed, I lost the person that should have never ever been a friend of mine.

Sometimes, I do think whether she knew that I can't look at her the same anymore. I mean, for her to fight with everyone and make up was a routine. Not for me though. I've never fought, kiss and make up with any of my friends. Forger about kiss and makeup, I've never ever been close to fighting with friends.

I admit, there were times I'm really angry for her childishness and stupidity and determined to bring her down. But what's the point?

Plus, am I really that cheap and stupid that I would even let this be part of my brain percentage? The story about me and her was actually easy.

Her boyfriend is fucked up, and homeless so she asked a favor if she could move into my room since her housemates doesn't let her boyfriend moved in with her. The agreement was:
- It's until her boyfriend graduated
- They're leaving the furniture
- I will stay in her room

But what happened was:
- They fought and telling me to move in the room when It's submission time (before mid term break)
- They told me to pay the furniture after my furniture in my previous apartment was already burnt. They made me feel like they're using my room as a store room before he graduated, then just pressed money out of me. Firstly, Ive ever asked him to take back the furniture cuz I have my own but this is the exact words --> No, I'm leaving them to u.
- I stayed in her room, cleaned her whole damn room. & When she came back, instead of ever saying thanks for organizing her room. She said I STOLE her things.

The worst part is she uses the reason of me not letting her to go into my room whenever she wanna take her things. I've told her before:
- She got a spare key, take it when I'm not around.
- I hate it when she comes into my room, because unlike me who cares about my studies. She thinks her gossips and dramas are more important.

So, she said her parents taught her not to go into someones room when that person is not around. But I have one question though. If going to my room to take her stuffs is forbidden, but then would that be okay for her to go into my room to SMOKE WEED when I'm not around?

She said, she EVER SAW me using RED LIPSTICK to school one day that's why I WAS THE ONE WHO STOLE HER RED LIPSTICK. But my dear friend, I started using makeup to school only after I moved into her room, to get me to Geisha is not the time yet.

I even asked my boyfriend who is with 24/7 if he ever seen me in red lipstick. Pictures. Yes. Real life? No! FYI, I'm a freaking dancer and I have three of them.

The fight all started because I don't know where is the pair of her sleeping pants (I returned her pants, but without the top) & guess what? We fought for three hours over that shit. That top is mother-fucking ungly, and after I found it I swear what is really wrong with her brain.

That includes of searching in my whole packed things.

Which is why I was angry yesterday, because my guy friend only asked her to look under her bed if I left board games there. She refused and she said:

"Let her feel how it feels when somebody doesnt let you get into the room"

We definitely labeled her as a bitch that time. I should never returned her top (where I found some of her things after that too) and let her go crazy over a stupid monkey pj top.

That's basically the story, and I really get sick of her never-ending self-bragging.

- She swore on her parents she wont tell people about my secret, but looks like it's been spreading around now. She always say this word : You know me Ira, I wont tell.

Bullshit. Not that she told, but now I'm thinking what her parents means to her.

She made me fought back with a guy after he sincerely apologize to me just because this big-mouthed bitch went to the guy's gf and said bullshit.

This bitch really loves drama, I swear. This remind me that I've to apologize to the guy.

She's the kind that takes rumours about me with this: "really? Fucckkkk..."

When I was the one who said: "No, I don't think so. I know her"

I knew HATTAN said I have STD, thats why David Gituen Marcus doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore. She can even tell me stuff like this. But why am I surprised now?

She can tell me that, this girl is pregnant with an african guy (when I dont even know whos that). Or that my MOST FAVORITE, EVERYONE'S FAVORITE EVEN, LECTURER is fucking with his student. That is bullshit!

So if she thinks I can't bring her down with all the things she talked about people, she was wrong. About all her friends secrets too, the one that she even HANGS OUT everyday with. She's really wrong.

What will happen to her, if one day I decided to just spread everyone's secrets around. From FCMB lecturer to Business Lecturer, those lectures that smokes weed, and fuck who. OH YES, She even said who my University's president was fucking with before!

That would be nice to see her getting fucked up.
But I'm not that kind of girl.
I would maybe, if she pissed me off one more time.

For now, I just wish that she'll be matured soon.
Stupid bitch.

Tomorrow is the big day and I have my second hand dress still crumpled in my bag.

2011-08-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

I don't really have the mood to be jolly over Raya celebration. There's nothing to be happy about. My grandpap got rejected by a widow, and my tummy is just so bloated it pissed me off everytime I felt it shaking.

It would be better years ago though, when I don't know what fatigue means and I could play around in the kitchen smelling every pot that is closed like I have never been taught about the danger of heat before. Or that I won't be having a problem of shoving three different things to my mouth at 11pm sharp. Or that I could wear unmatched slippers on first raya morning without worrying of anything, unlike this moment where I'm worrying sick about my Navy heels that I'm about to match with my purple dress tomorrow. Ergh. Stress and stress!

At this moment, I wish: That I'm a time traveler so I could travel back to three days ago and grab a pair of my black heels.

Or

At this moment, I wish: That my home is just half and hour instead of 2 hours (plus mist and snake-like roads) so I could easily drive there and get a pair of my BLACK HEELS.

Oh yes. I forgot my eyeliner too. & My lenses!

You see, being careless and forgetful is already my nature but even nature has it own season. For the record, 23 years living in this world I have not changed even for a moment.

I once played with my mom's inherited gold necklace at my neighbor's house and ended up leaving the necklace somewhere outside the house. I WAS NINE.

Or my gold bracelet which I left on top of my apartment's POST BOX. I WAS SIX! Not mentioning I've gotten lost and was saved by nice strangers who sent me back to my home. I experienced going through police station, stranger's house, stranger's food and yet, a strange memory too.I WAS EIGHT!

Or that I had to announce at the information counter because I lost my mom's tail as I was distracted by something else. Lucky I knew what was my mom's real name. Lucky I already started going to primary school. I WAS SEVEN.

Funny, I even ALMOST LOSE MY OWN SELF.

When I was a kid, the other kids use to laugh at me because I never wear my slippers and that's because I kept on missing the other pair! I seriously don't understand why! It's funny because my memory is good. Numbers, faces or even FACTS. I'm just really careless.

You can guess, I don't wear matching underwears too.
Goodness.
I'm tired of complaining.
I think I'm going to throw bottles to those kids that is playing fireworks outside. At least, although how careless I was as a child, I'm never rude. I know when to start all that stupid noise.

Happy raya everyone.
Let's pray that tomorrow will go smoothly.
Oh but that damn Navy heels!

Three updates.

2011-08-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing in a while, wondering if I have lost my touch. Not that I ever been good at it, but I don't wanna get worst at it.

First update is.
I'm still with my boyfriend and there's a statement out that I've changed. I've to admit that though, but that's a good change. I'm no longer nice to people, and I started to fuck people up but I have reasons for that.

I don't wanna be the nice person who get commented all the time, and taught all the time. I don't wanna be the nice person who get fucked over and over again yet still putting a smile on my face.

I was once wanted to end a friendship between me and my bestfriend just because I couldn't find the pair of her sleeping pants.
That's my mistake for overreacting. That's her mistake for being rude. Although I know that's her style, but I have to start paying attention on my style too.

I was just angry because her boyfriend keep on fucking me up and I accidentally place my anger on her. Plus, I'm not a big fan of rude people.

Or that after years I've been in the same group with other people, but this time around I decided to go alone when I know that I'm their best cinematographer. That is a different case, because I got belittled all the time and now I just want to find out how true is that.

I have a problem too I admit.
I always think I'm right.
But to look at it at a different perspective, I begin to make my own decisions.
I wanted to prove that I can be good too.

I grew up hearing nasty things from my family. I don't come from a family who compliments each other but when I'm complimented once in a while, I learnt about my strong points.
Which is why today.
I'm not a nice person anymore.

I may turn out to hurt people in many different ways, in many different reasons but if I do. I would like to say sorry in advance.

It's going to be my final semester, and once I'm out there. Some of the jerks in my life is going to ask help from me one day. That I know for sure.

So I'm going to fuck people up this time, make it as my habit and in the future. Every trade is meant just for business.

Second update is I've finalized my life.

I'm going to establish my own film academy with fund from government and this academy is meant for students under poverty line.

I'm going to launch my own dance studio too and my last contribution for my current studio is December shows and a Corporate Video for her company. Five years being with them have taught me a lot about being a person.

Finally my third update is my love life.
I'm never going to Kazakhstan.

Malay, Chinese, Indians & Others.

2011-07-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

What I understand about the government is that they provide my shelter, my food and they're on their way to create more comfortable home for all of us. I have to admit that Chinese is a better option for us to choose since they're fast when it comes to thinking and its proven by self-experience.

However, what I don't like about chinese is that they're all about profit-making which I find is not a suitable criteria to rule the country. On the other hand, the Malays could read hearts and often understands about others problems but they're a bit slow compared to Chinese. Chinese people however, is good at improving our economy.

Anyway,

I'm not siding Chinese or Malay because while the major races is against on each other saying that the rules are not fair, they have forgotten that in Sabah and Sarawak, we live our life at our most peaceful way despite being categorized as 'others'. Not mentioning that we have over 50 or maybe 100 races altogether practicing different beliefs.

It's a fact too that, 'you're Malay if you're Muslim' when for years, Sabahan and Sarawakian is fighting hard to preserve their cultural identity. I'm glad that Malaysia finally is acknowledging our existence. They have to if they want to win our hearts because I can see that most Sabahans and Sarawakians younger generations have turned to the opposition party.

As for me, I support the government because whatever you want in life is determined by your own efforts. Why get angry when there are other people who's better than you? Why get angry at the government when they increase the fuel price? Have you ever heard Borneo people being angry or run a DEMONSTRATION RALLY for THEIR OIL and TIMBER being taken away and less development is going on at this area?

Forget about the tall buildings, we would be grateful if the whole Malaysia-Borneo is provided with ELECTRICITY and CLEAN WATER. We would be grateful if good teachers are supplied to the rural areas or that they could still have hopes for their relatives to still BE ALIVE during the trip to the nearest HOSPITAL.

Both Sabah and Sarawak is only focused at the main cities but do you people have any idea how big our states are? And HOW RICH WE ARE? But have you ever heard us complaint that our economy sources is being taken away? No. That's because we only seek for peaceful living.

I'm sure that answers why we were marked as the most friendly people in our nation. Talent is another thing which I don't even wanna touch it. We're full with talented people but not even once we got angry for not being able to make it big. It's all about peaceful living, and making it big depends on our own effort. We settled for not being recognized, and we practiced harder to be noticed.

Back to why I supported government,

It's because up until today, I'm not worried that I'll be kidnapped and sold to other foreign countries and forced to be a prostitute. I'm not even worried to jog at the park worrying that I might step on some left-out bombs. I'm not even worried that a plane suddenly came on crushing on KL tower killing hundreds of people. I don't even have to ready myself to learn other languages just in case other foreign people might take over our country.

Malaysia is a beautiful country, the government I believe is trying at their best for us to live a comfortable life because at the end of the day, they will get the benefits too. How are they gonna do their best if all of us is doing rally here and there?

You know what I can say about Malaysians? They are being pampered too much that they want to get angry over SMALL things. You want to get angry because some convenience is being taken away from you. Have you ever looked at other countries?

If you wanna compare America and Malaysia, how they were giving welfare away and stuffs like that, lets all of us, together improve ourselves to their level and bring this issue out again. For now, lets live life as we should. Stop being angry, and start creating something that can actually create opportunities for others along the way.

Enough with the races and the parties thing, lets all be united and live a peaceful way. If things keep on happening like this, I'm not surprised that one day Sabah and Sarawak will propose to leave the country. It's just a matter of younger generation taking over. Or worst, when things get really chaotic, Philippine will take Sabah back as under their govern.

We don't want that to happen. So please, no matter what, let's practice 1Malaysia shall we? =)

By the way, for a little knowledge about Sabah & Sulu (Philippine). You can retrieve it here.

Paranoia. Genetic Blueprints?

2011-06-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

Could it be my pranoia about everything is passed down from my mom? I remember I used to laugh at her for panicking over nothing, how she would use magnifying glass to find a tiny bit of cancer cells on her palm. Okay, I better not go there because mom read my blog.

My point is, I'm caught with minor coughing and flu at the moment and decided to run a full body checkup which includes blood test and knocking on my knee. My brothers laughed at me which makes me turn to mom last night. I'm glad she backed me up today by asking my brother:
"What's wrong with being worried over a sickness"

I'm worried about my health, but I'm even more worried that I'll turn to be a health freak, like you-know-who (at least I could use this point of denial when she turns to me). No wait, you know what I'm even more worried? That my abs are not paining when I had major crunching last night at the studio.

I need to get my abs back. & I need to be healthy too.

I'm just so bored, I played around with my skirts.

2011-05-29T04:02:00.000-07:00

This is my top favorite skirt.
It makes my legs slimmer, more reason to show it off.
But I still don't dare to use heels with this.
I feel over-exposed.

My top presentation outfit.
Although all is plain, with no prints,
But I played with colors.
Brown with three different tones.

My boring look to school.
Usually, this is when I just don't feel like being noticed.

My room

2011-05-28T21:30:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, this is my room.
I'm paying RM500 for a month but before you scrolled down. Let me remind you again that this room is supposed to be empty.

My deal is very simple.

I want to move out but I still have 5 months contract.

So for the time being, I'm going to rent it for 350 a month, until December and from there you can decide whether you want to STAY or MOVE OUT.

But as you can see, this room is way too comfortable. You just have to buy your own furniture.

Or you can:

Give me RM550 a month and by the end of the year, this WHOLE THING IS YOURS. and you can continue paying for RM500 a month for the room.

Except my bag hanger cuz its only 2months old. My wall shelf and mirror is new too, but what can I do? It's already DRILLED to my wall.

The only thing that I'll be packing is just my clothes, my bed sheet, my books, my bag hanger and whatever is on the table.

The rest is yours if you go for 2nd option.

So you decide.
This is fixed price, I have no room for negotiation which is why I have this post. I spent so much to create a comfortable zone for myself so yeah. And ive only stayed here for four months actually.

Drilled wall mirror on my dark grey painted wall. I still haven't got the time to find a drape for my frame.
Initially, I wanted to paint it but it would cost a lot to buy all the paints.

My favorite bag hangers, and sofa: my favorite dirty clothes spot.

Look at my lights. Sometimes, I just forgot to turn it off because it's really dim, I could just fall asleep.
I think that's the solution for those that's afraid to sleep in the dark.

I love my bed sheet. It's silk from Aussino, got it during sales.
Yea, that's my work space.
The mirror is during boredom.
I can be pretty narcist at times.

Matrioska (Russian Doll). First gift from my boyfriend.
And my post-its, so I never have to search for it ever again.
Or find it all crumpled up in my bag.

I don't know what to with the basket, so I put all junks inside there.
Mostly, wires. In that grey box is all my cash,
other than the black vast because I'm living without ATM Card at the moment
and I pretended that the grey box is the ATM Machine.
You see that colorful papers there? That's my favorite post-its.

I don't know why. But I guess I just wanted to say that I love my toilet the best.
There are scented candles there..And it smells amazing.

My wardrobe is a slide wardrobe but I find it annoying so I took it off yesterday.
This is where I get ready every morning.
My rooms smells apple, I placed air purifier next to the switch.
Below the air purifier is where I hang my keys.

Actually, this is where all the photo-taking started last night.
Was trying to do assignment, but was facing brain fog.

2011-05-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

I'm going for my first Job Interview tomorrow.
I'm a little nervous about it.

It's an event company, mainly doing in the field of Sports.
Well, they're interested with my resume and they called me in.

Then...
I'm going for a full profile casting after the interview too.
Just to try my luck for some extra money.
Hopefully, I can get some shows.

Sigh.

I'm just waiting for my lecturer.
And I'm bored of waiting.

MY FIRST PUBLISHED ARTICLE

2011-05-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

I know I've been missing for quite sometimes. I've been involved with dance shows, beauty pageants, and finally, the big hit - Journalism.

Talent, beauty and brain right there. I'm just really satisfied with myself right now. I can't talk much about the dance shows nor beauty pageant right now because I have submissions coming up. But let me just share the good news with all of you.

I wrote an article, and it's published at a local newspapers. PAGE 2 baby! BIG SIZE. AND COLORED PHOTOGRAPHS! I'm just truly happy because, this is an achievement for myself. Alrighty then. I gotta get back to my work.

Anyhoo, it's a little funny because I'm writing about an event where I was actually one the contestant from the event. Let's take a look.

Click for a better view

Contestant number 14.
Make up & Hairdo by, Petrus Boyd Pensin
Photographed by, En ariff
Traditional Kadazan Penampang Costume Prepared by, Petrus Boyd Pensin

Heaven or Hell?

2011-04-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t go out and sometimes I don’t know what to do with my cash, I ended up shopping at my school’s stationary shop.

Since it’s mid term break and I’ve submitted all my assignments, I decided to have fun. In three years, I’m finally going to have real fun. For the first time, I didn’t go back to my hometown.

With all the cash I have, I called it shopping madness.

It all started on Friday, right after I submitted my assignment at 4pm. Not mentioning that I didn’t sleep for two days because I have two assignments due Thursday. I was sick for the whole week last week, I thought I was going to die. Even until now, I have severe coughing up to a point I vomited. I have MC actually for few days, I could escape my assignments but you see, I wanted to enjoy my VERY FIRST holiday.

Shit. I got carried away again.

Anyway, I went to IKEA and I got myself

Wall shelf
Bags hanger
Candles
Boxes

Woof! =)

I had fun there, then I went to Porto Romano for supper. I had spaghetti and Margarita. It was really nice. Especially, I was going with a super cute guy. I was fighting with my boyfriend that time and we didn’t talk for almost a week. I purposely uploaded this picture on Facebook and made his sisters making she-found-a-cute-guy-as-substitute-she-didn't-waste-her-time kind of fun at him. I was real glad.

After the supper, I went home to play with my new things. I was up until late, I don't even remember when I fell asleep but what I know, I had a super nice sleep with my room smelling so good.

The next day I reconciled with my boyfriend. I realized that this guy is just so right for me so I threw all my ego away and asked him to come back to me. It was all worth it, for the happiness I'm having now.

In the evening, I went to Sunway with my girlfriends, Sysilia and Alua for a bit of shopping (as if). We had our dinner in Ole Ole Bali and the food is quite good there. We started our shopping 2 hours before the mall close and I got myself

6 tops and 1 Jeans from Dorothy Perkins
4 lingerie sets and a bikini from La Senza
1 bag from Charles & Keith (I don’t know why their shoes collection sucks now)
Givenchy Perfume and Heat by Beyonce

I don't know how I did that especially I was shopping in my 4 inches. God, I'm a star.

I went to see my boyfriend after that and only god knows how much I misses him. I was hanging out with him until morning and when I got home, the shopping madness started again. This time, I was only going with Sysilia and I got myself

Escada shades
2 Tiramisu dresses
A complete makeover at A Cut Above
Quilt and fitted sheets from Aussino
Toiletries from Guardian
Books from MPH
Body Scrub and Babyliss tong from SHINS.

Nicely done, don't you think? Remind me of my sister.

Guardian, SHINS and MPH is 15 minutes before the shop closed and again, I have to say I'm a star.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What have this girl done, how much have she actually spent?

I’m not going to say how much have I spent because even I, myself was too scared to see it. All I can say, I could have stayed in Bali for 2 weeks partying every night.

I was fucked at first but my friends say I deserve it which I totally agree. I do deserve all of them. I totally do. Yeap. I do. Well, at least I'm still going to school right?

I’m going for film technique workshop in school tomorrow. You see, even though I spent like mad but I’m still maintaining myself as a good student. Then at night, I’m going for Redang Island with my boyfriend and some other people.

I’m so going to let my boyfriend hold my cash this time. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m being too much. And please, if you, sister, reading this. Don't even say a word to mom. I deserve all of this.

Look at it. It's just so cool!

So that was the end of the beginning of my holiday which I started with shopping madness.

It was heaven at first, then it became hell, but I guess it’s going to be heaven again tomorrow. Don’t you think?

My new look.

I'm going to miss my hair though.

And.... This is it. My...

Sinful crave

Boom Boom Pow - Black Queen Cover

2011-04-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

I'll write a decent post after my To-Do list cleared up a bit, ooh I'm telling you, my life is reallll fucked up. Anyway, me and my friends from uni were doing this dance during April Fool event which you could guess when, April 1st.

We didn't get to take the video that night but what the heck, this is a clearer version I believe. Another update is I shifted to a new place (again), but I'm already loving this house to the max. I mean, this house suits me so much.

My housemates are chinese, they play dota (although I quit, yet I still feel the bond), they play guitar and they study all the time which means, it's quiet most of the times. So yeah, I love this place! Plus, I don't have to install A/C anymore because the room is bloody cold! I might post my video of playing guitar one of these days, so stay tuned.

Short Clip before dancing.

2011-04-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

Look I know how to do Belly Wave and Flutter now! Still on the way tho. =)

Girls are fun if you know how to play with them.

2011-03-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

One good thing about staying with the girls is that you don’t have to give a damn about everything once you reach your bedroom. Especially when you’re so tired and the last thing you need is sleeping with your tight ruffle dress on.

You tied your hair up high like the new version of Buddha’s (Sexier of course) and removed all those unwanted paints from your face. With your half-naked body, you jump on the bed and fell asleep with no efforts of counting the sheep.

You don’t even bother about locking the door. I mean, what do they expect to see? They too, have their own cellulite to be taken care off. Unless you’re living with Kylie Minogue bum bum then girl, you have issue. I suggest you shifting out straight.

However, the bad thing about it ladies, while you’re dreaming about sexy Hugh Grant is about to kiss you good night after flying you to Paris. You felt someone’s face gets closer, you were mistaken it for Hugh Grant breath when the truth is, your girlfriend is fucking up with your dreams.

That happens to me about 3AM on Thursday night, last week which resulted me being really tired on Friday before the Happy Hour even started. I haven’t been seeing KL lights in a very long time and when I finally agreed to be a little extrovert, I have eyebags clinging below my eyes.

I went to Rootz and met my girlfriend, Kim.

Although it started offset since I was indirectly involved in a drama made by a psycho couple, it was really a fun night.

I was wearing mini leopard dress, and my C&K red heels (It’s gorgeous, Valentine’s gift from mom). My hair has a great wave, thanks to the magic done by SALUGA Saloon, a perfect solution to not-so-sexy dress (although the print has already done magic to my appearance). Dangling ear-rings and a touch of bronze on my whole body. You want your skin to look fabulous? You just have to fake it.

That night was awesome. Unlike the usual me, sitting at the table while staring at people and slowly getting high while everyone is having at their most, I blended with the crowd. Me and my girlfriends were dancing at the podium, going forth and back to the toilet for a quick make-up check and finally settling ourselves for home, with not-so-straight walk and slur speeches.

That’s the first fun part of living with girlfriends, they really know how to leave their boyfriends at home and have a real fun-time with their girlfriends. We were so out of control that night (nothing that involves the opposite sex by the way), we got so high and we fucked every guy that was trying to flirt with us. It was really a super fun night which makes me want to do it again this Friday.

When I got home that night, I fell asleep in the living room with my undergarments and that, ladies and gentleman is the ultimate part of living with the girls. I know some girls (me) hate to stay with girls, they're complicated and bla bla bla but look at me right now. I'm living in paradise!

Apart from the usual morning when somebody goes in the room when you were sleeping to get an answer of 'how do I look' questions, or that you're busy with assignments but you hear somebody crying out loud over a relationship (which ends with smooches after 3 seconds) or that you have to wrap yourself in a towel when somebody wants to go in the room. (but hey, it's better than putting on clothes right?)

I kind of like living like this. I think I want to have daughters or even if i have a son, I'll teach him how to understand ladies. Girls are really fun to be with. How come I've never noticed this before?

The 'It's Over' and 'I'd pluck the stars for you' phases.

2011-03-14T01:55:00.000-07:00

Getting over someone isn't as easy as flicking the light. I've gone through so many break-ups in my life, some I left with hatred but most with good memories. Too many, I've even lost counts of those memories, it even took me few wine-toasting for me to recall the names of the old Toms. But that doesn't make me the master of nomaded-partner. It's only making me a stronger and (sometimes) wiser person when it comes to battling in the game of love. Cliche.

Breaking up, although has always been not-so-easy-but-I'm-cool moment, taught me few important lessons in life. I learnt not to look back when those heart-penetration words goes on the line or that I won't stay longer in an argument that lasted more than the time I could look at my nose by the end of my pint. Literally. Because sometimes (which is all the time) I fell under the control of basic human value - sympathy. I sympathize and sympathize and man, that isn't a great feeling to start with.

My first heartbroken made me want to kill myself. My second heartbroken makes me cry for a week and my third one, leaves me with partying all night long. You see girls, it gets better each time.

What the fuck is wrong with this girl, I hear you say. No, I haven't been changing boyfriend lately. I'm not going through I-Will-Survive phase either. In fact, my relationship is going strong. The reason of the creation of my nonsense is actually based - after curiously analyzing and keeping track of maintained observations - on a girl that I knew pretty well, and enhanced by the reaction of human brain cells due to the magic shots intake.

This girl, whom I love truly especially right now, had gone through a break up recently and did quite surprised me with her 'half-second' decision of getting serious with her new boyfriend she barely knew despite were facing having to face an ultimate bombshell to her 2-year relationship. It was indeed, a huge shock which my brains took longer time to process than settling a 2+2=4.

I'm talking about a serious moving-in issue over here.

I must say, that I felt like slapping myself or her to think that this new guy is not a rebound. How can he not be a rebound? They just met, they haven't shared inner thoughts or they probably have but...
Whether you like it, or in this case, I like it or not, the guy isn't a rebound. Which of course, I'm actually happy for her because that guy is really a nice guy.

Which then makes me realized on one thing, after I got through the shock of course, that the only common problem that women are facing during post-breakup is actually 'prolonging the misery'. That girl, obviously had everything in control. She got fucked up but she moved on. Salute.

We women, love to prolong the misery. We like the fact of being victimized because that's the only right thing, as how we think, to be dramatic about.

Obviously, we are missing out right there. Why? Because when it comes to the consideration of women ratio, sorry to say this but while we're still listening to Joan Jett angry songs, burning those used-to-be sweet pictures, while smudging our mascara with the toilet paper, our former-Toms probably had been making out with a Brunette at the back of Backpackers lodge during the trip he went with his buddies to celebrate his Bachelorhood again. Worst, they probably have already started to plan their romantic island wedding together.

Now you know what we have missed.
No. Not a guy we could have meet. I'm not suggesting you to jump into a relationship, not even close to a huge round of 'rebound sleepovers'.

I'm talking about a bikini bod we could get if we turn those pathetic sessions into a committed gym membership or nice radiant if we decided to slap ourselves with expensive face masks. Instead, we drunk-dialed them, collecting liters of tears, making ourselves even more a complete pathetic losers and waking up looking like a hairless raccoon. We sabotaged ourselves, because it feels good.

We thought by doing all those pathetic actions could solve everything. We cry and cry as if it's the end of the world. We cry everywhere, all the time. Crying ourselves to sleep has even become a routine we do every night. After a nice bath, we put on our Winnie The Pooh, have a pillow in our arms and start reminiscing about the past. Funny, we can even cry watching a man slipped on a banana skin in 'Just For Laughs' Tv show. Huge self-esteem alert over here. Heh. Been there, worst time of my life.

It's either we watched too many versions of Romeo & Juliet we thought that suicide is pretty romantic or it could be just natural instinct provided by mother nature to ovum-producer. I'd like to think that it's the nature's work. At least it doesn't belittle my intelligence or maybe, I may just did with my own recent statement.

Anyway, I just feel the need to point out a kind reminder to all the women out there while I'm still, you could guess - high and loving all you women, be it you're single and rejected, married and miserable or in double thumbs-up freely open relationships, another salute to that, we should love and not let fear of being heartbroken again haunts us.

Lesson number one.

We can't always have what we want, my favorite breaking-up phrase by the way, face those pain that we have to got through, and that would be lesson number two. Pain that we thought would never be gone, even if we were to reincarnated again for the millionth times, but still remains, you can even hear your own-self proclaiming, that he was 'The One' which makes you start weeping again for the unknown-ish times.

Sigh. Love can really be a pain in the ass at times.

He used to be mine, he was a good catch, so as they say. He was the one that got away. Bullshit. Remember the time when you broke up with a man you have imagined walking down the aisle with, and how stupid you think you are today for ever thinking such way? You got it.

Thinking of 'the one' you used to have isn't a very wise thought either, in fact you're already making your first mistake in an early stage of your new relationship with Tom. Or worst, when you aren't even there yet but already compare and contrast with 'used-to-be the one' to your new 'perhaps-the one'.

Ladies,
Lesson number... Erm. You do the counting.
DO NOT HOLD YOURSELF BACK IN THE PAST.

Those days are over, every man is different. But no men are bastards, they're just not for you. So why hate? He abused you, he belittled you yes sure, go ahead. Because he met a better girl than you? No woman. Don't do drama over that. There are does and don'ts for this too.

He cheated on you and walked away. No. He cheated on you twice and still looking for forgiveness? Feed him to your angry pet.

Everyone will get through a break up, and live happily like normal people as long as you keep those blades in distance. Sure you'll live in paranoia ever since, and you tend to build a shield around you and not allowing yourself to freely love anymore. We even believed that searching for the right one isn't possible anymore. You started to count days to breaking up a very quite often compared to the days you wanted to spend with your new Tom.

You're afraid to destruct yourself again, without realizing that instead, you were the one whose connecting all the wires.

SEARCHING FOR THE ONE IS EASY.

What you need to know, is actually pretty simple. This exercise also will enable you to answer when people asked you why are you marrying to your future Tom. Well because it feels right to marry him, girls. All you need is just mental strength as reminder, and your doubted-free heart to start over.

'Stay when you're happy and leave when you're not'. Live with a relationship when it feels right, and leave when it doesn't. If you like what you're feeling, smile and express. If you don't, be selfish and do whatever you feel like doing.

Be honest with your feelings. Even if it makes you the most selfish person in the world. Let the pain be worth it. If you were to be heartbroken again, at least you could say that you're not right for each other instead of, I-should-have-never-done-that weeping. Let's be honest with our feelings. It feels damn good.

I remember I was listed in a relationship with The X and I hate it. I'm not ready for the public, I'm not ready for everything. I still want to have fun, I still want to talk to other guys and have them all. Or maybe at that time, I didn't want to because its a sign of commitment. It freaks me out.

Know what was the first thing that came into my mind when I opened my Facebook page today? I saw myself listed in a relationship with the So-Called (guess I gotta stop calling him that) although not long ago, it was with The X. I felt fucked up for that matter, but it came to my mind, so what if it does. It was not a long time ago also I wish to feel good knowing myself publicly announced as someone's official girlfriend.

Stay when you're happy, leave when you're not.
Simple words but it does wonder to the hearts.

My very final lesson.

If you're feeling low, switch off your phone, wear your pretty dresses and killer heels. Apply make-up and, grab your favorite book. Go to the mall, appreciate those designer labels, appreciate those filmmakers, and when your legs are killing you. Chill somewhere, drink your hot coffee and let the world pass by around your favorite book.

I remember doing it. It was one of the best times in my life. & how much I hated guys at that very moment, I couldn't help myself from feeling good when I knew that the guys are watching. We have esteem to work on ladies, try it. You'll be over old Tom in no time.

He came with a perfect kiss worth remembering.

2011-03-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

I don’t remember feeling like this in years. I’m just extremely happy that at times, I’m trying to find faults within this happiness.

Everything seems too unreal, it’s too different from what I had in the past. Sometimes I would search for this feeling within the time I’ve been breathing but nothing could compare to this feelings, right now.

It’s not like I’m one of those that will be singing all the time nor that I would dance with animals but its close enough to a kind of happiness that would make me dance even in my sleep.

This feeling is just so good that I can’t even look below his past, I cant even be bothered with how many girls have he dated, who have he loved. I don’t even care if he wouldn’t even want to marry me or we may be separated in the future. Because what we have right now is just already too much to ask for.

This is the state of happiness, I’m just too happy with the present and I have never felt anything like this.

Even the kisses were amazing. Not even a second I was left out, not even in a slight awkwardness. I can’t even describe how amazing those kisses into words.

Everything was too magical.

Yeah, you're right.

We KISSED.

On our so-called first date.

Let me just started with we got rated by cops that night when we were chilling inside the car at the open parking space with lights are everywhere. We were told to get married in a tone of ‘cash could save your asses’.

I was a little stubborn earlier, still feeling not at fault since we weren't even doing anything but the so-called gave up a little too early. But we got out from that shit, with you-know-what.

It was a really funny night which I’ll never forget the rest of my life.

Even better, I can never forget the time when we were chilling outside of my condo. How I was almost out of breath when he leaned for a kiss. Yeah, and it was so much better than any of those imaginations that I ever had.

So much better.

I tried holding back myself couple of times but at the end, I told to myself. This could be the night that I want to remember or a night that I would regret. If only that would write a book about me, I’m sure that moment would be the time where you’d be touched more than the times you were touched watching The Twilight.

It was historical.

We were paused for few seconds which I felt was the longest pause in my life, and everything happened in a second. He pulled my head while leaning closer and just kiss me. He just fucking kiss me! With no stardust appearing around us, no romantic songs playing, no nothing.

It was just a plain kiss but I was totally gripped!

Let me just give you a slight hint. I felt his lips, his breath, his nose brushing my cheek, his hands holding my head, pushing me closer, the tip of his tongue playing naughtily around my lips and his other hand…

Come on, you got imagination, you continue.

All I can say that everything was just too good to be true, his presence is appreciative and I know that one thing for real, it makes me the happiest person in the world.

Know how exactly am I feeling? I felt like Rapunzel, touching the grass for the first time, swinging around the tree stepping on the clear water or I could be like Cinderella with the glass slippers, and…. Okay.

You know what I’m talking about.

This is too good to be true and sometimes it makes me afraid of having myself to face a probably-fact that this is just a plain acting.

I have few girly advices, telling me not to go deeper with him. I should play some games and see how would he take it. He could even be the kind that would waits and stuffs but you see guys, trust is all that I have.

Trust has been the one that keeping us together through the distance and it has always been the one that has blinded my eyes from checking out those mama-mias (not that I didn’t though). So, why can’t I stay with this trust and greets more happiness to come.

I know I'll be heartbroken, I know Karma will gets me back one day but for the time-being, I decided I should be happy. I don't want to care about those freaking game rules and I want to be just madly out of control.

Afterall, those pain got to be worth it right?

Dinawan Island Show = true happiness. CONT'D.

2011-03-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

If you put effort on listening to the audio, you can actually caught us making funny noises at the background. You can even spot my gf when she almost fall. I guess we played too much that day, her muscles were tired.

In case if you have missed out my previous post and have no idea what's this video is all about. You can always go back to my old entries, Dinawan Island Show = true happiness for a clue.

Proof of women domination. You gotta see it to believe it.

2011-02-28T06:44:00.000-08:00

By the way, I got our recent solo belly dance show. I'll post it soon!

A woman’s heart is like the ocean. Rough on the surface, but beautiful underneath.

2011-02-27T05:55:00.000-08:00

Although I’m still wondering how is our first kiss going to be but I’m sure it’s going to be a real nice feel considering the feelings I have for him. My feelings have mounted to a part where you just can’t see the consequences that would come along anymore. And now he is coming back in less than a week.

LESS THAN A WEEK!

Do you understand what less than a week means? It means, you can count it with your fingers! Yes! That short compared to the months I have waited.

I’m not sure how many of ‘my boyfriend’ going to come up in the future, and I’d probably will confuse you readers with one after another but I’ll try to keep this one for long.

I'm not a player, I just know what I want. I want an understanding matured relationship, but full with excitement. I want a guy that sees my admirers not as a trophy, nor as a threat. I want it to be for nothing.

I’m not really one with looks nor that the guys are all after me but I do have my own criteria’s that fits in certain guys check list. But that shouldn’t be a reason for jealousy, or proud. In fact, it should be just for nothing. It should be just for a small talk topic or maybe, a reason to create the sparks back into its places. Period.

Until now, I still strongly believe that both girls and guys are not complicated. I admit that I like to make something big sometimes, (but not complicated) especially when I got hurt. For example, when my guy is ignoring me, I’d talk to other guy just to create a fact that I was talking to other guy. But that doesn’t mean that I want to leave him for the other guy, I just want attention and I’m not going to lie for it.

It takes understanding to view it as attention-seeking attempt.

Yes, relationship can be pretty confusing sometimes since we can’t read minds and we have watched too many movies, we would relate any situations into a general conclusion. But don't you think that those arguments deserved an individual conclusion based on the originality of the issue?

My recipe to a perfect relationship is not to fight for your current one. If it’s not working then it’s not going to work. Period. So what if it has been there for seven years? Happiness is what matters.

I know some girls that says, “we’ve been together for five years, how can I stop now and see those five years turn into a waste?”.

Know what I say?

Why stay longer and waste even more? Happiness is what matters. Stay when you’re happy, leave when you’re not.

I know it’s hard to process but once you’ve reached to a stage where you know how to be selfish. Where you know how to listen to what you really want by not putting alongside what others wants from you. It’ll be easier for you to find someone that can make you really happy.

Some says, my method will lead me to nowhere and I’ll be a spinster forever. But let me ask you, what could be even worst than a miserable marriage?

Confidence is your biggest asset.

Don't let the relationship that used to give you happiness eat them day by day.

Leave while you can.

If you're single and rejected, I'm not going to say the way how can you find it in magazine: The guys don't deserve you or you deserve someone better.

No. You don't deserve anyone. You have flaws that's why you're rejected but that shouldn't be the reason for you to lose all your confidence.

Challenge all the losers who have rejected you, they're probably right at this point but give yourself a year and revamp the whole new you while still being yourself.

So what if you're a drama queen, stay that way. Others may find you attractive. Don't ever change yourself to someone you're not because honestly, you'll look like a clown who's trying to make it big. If you like to talk, keep on talking. If you like to keep quite, stay silent.

There's always someone for somebody. But if you're too horny to love, you know there's always someone who deserve all the love that you want to give away.

You, yourself.

Instead of heading home, we stepped in and shared our laughter.

2011-02-26T08:38:00.000-08:00

Spent an hour in studio today, didn’t know that there were no practice. I took the chance to learn everything that I’ve missed when I was off dancing. All this while, I only tried to steal steps from behind but today I’ve finally learnt Ego and One in a Million.

It’s still incomplete, and of course not perfect.

Was it worth it?

Press play and you’ll find out.

If you ever wonder why I love posting videos when I haven’t even nail the steps, because it’s one of my proving points that I’m living in a reality. Nothing is perfect at first shot.

Plus, that is an honest laughter.

I can’t wait to be back in studio on Monday. =)

I broke up and I was devastated.

2011-02-23T18:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't get into final.

Another player from other team broke the news to me. Secretly, I wish she would have never told me. At least I won't feel fucked up yesterday, so as today. Weekend is fine though, I could party.

I have a habit of checking 'sources' that link to my results on weekend. Be it for competitions, grades, etc. The reason why because I don't want to feel devastated on weekdays. I won't be able to focus on my work.

***

How am I feeling?

It feels like break up.

You love something, grow fond of it, wanting to make it work, build dreams around it but when the day comes, you were forced to leave.

It feels like breakup.

***

It's a new day,

I should focus on other achievements.

There's no use of dwelling with the past.

However, I wonder though.

What about you guys?

How does losing feels to you?

Dinawan Island Show = true happiness

2011-02-23T00:25:00.000-08:00

Life’s been fucked up but let’s just talk about good times, shall we?

I went to Dinawan Island (again) yesterday and this time, I didn’t miss the sunset. It’s really beautiful. I wish I could have my own little island. I want to chill by the shore, drinking my pretty colorful cocktails with mini umbrella on top. Not forgetting my white bikini with gigantic beach hat and my expensive shades.

I just want to lie there for hours until the sun sets in, color my skin with its orange tone and when my picture is taken from the back. It’s as if I’m living in a real paradise, carefree and happy.

I really had my girly time with the dancers. We were watching ‘tagalog’ series called ‘Mari Mar’. Although there were no subtittles and our knowledge about the language is almost zero but that can’t stop us from screaming our heads off when there were oh-I-wish-my-bf-would-do-that-for-me scenes.

We went to beach afterwards and trying to do the opening number from the series whereby the actress was dancing in the sea with her hands both up on the air, being so sexy with the opening music keyed to it’s main song.

I went on the sea and doing the same exact thing, dancing with my both hands up in the air, and singing the main song except the waves were being a little mean to me that time. Instead of letting myself in my sexy poses, it pushed me off. I made few non-balanced turns before finally surrender to the gravity.

My shades which was on top of my head fell below my nose, my shawl which I wrapped around my body flipped off and exposed my untreated cellulite. My only lingerie got wet and the little rocks that I initially thought were cute scratched my knees without mercy. And yes, your guessing is right. The girls were ROFL.

I still had a good time though. My boss bought us ice-creams after the show (thick-faced me asked for it) and I feel like a daughter. We were still in our belly costumes when we were sharing our bites, being jealous of each others flavor. It was really nice.

It was all about fun.

During our solo belly performances, we made fun of each other and the stage surface is not really on the same level so there was this time when one of my girlfriend was doing side bending, she almost fall and accidentally utter a funny noise. She’s really funny.

I was doing the final number, so when I went in, my other girlfriend was teasing me by not getting off from the stage. We were battling for about 6 seconds on stage. It’s like the scene from any dancing movies where the girls were being bitchy, battling on the dance floor with their bitchy eyes and pouty lips were all put to express.

It was exactly the same except we’re doing belly dancing and you can’t be bitchy. The bitchiest I can be is just staring at her while moving my hips and as usual, the dancers behind were making funny noise.

That was a true happiness. I have never felt so happy like this in years. It was really nice. I went home, took a shower, be a good daughter and sleep with my mom since dad is not around.

How I wish every moment from yesterday was recorded because it was really a true happiness.

Life is an event, you want to make most memories out of it so nothing would go to waste. Take pictures, record your memories and saved the day so when you had to go through bad times in life one day, you know that at least you had your happiness and it’s the thought of it that would keep you smiling, that would give you strength to reach for happiness again.

Sweet memories, comes from a bad experience.

So as good life, comes from tough moments.

Get hurt, get up and fight for happiness.

Be expressive and live a life the way you want it to be

Nausea.im posting this while walking to geton board.

2011-02-19T14:42:00.000-08:00

If there’s a movie that could explain my situation right now, please tell me! I need to watch it. I don’t know what would be the solution to this feeling. The last time I was in this kind of situation is when I was 15 and it’s totally different from now.

Well why? Because I’ve reached puberty!

The so-called (since we’re not official) is coming back in less than two weeks. The thought of it makes me really nervous. Like really nervous!

Is this going to work out? Or is he just going to be another ‘someone from the past’?

He left three months ago as my friend and now he’s coming back as my (so-called) boyfriend. Isn’t that weird?

We’ve never even hold hands.

He came over to see me in the library couple of times, we talked on the phone once in a while, many cancelled dates and never had an actual date and now we get close through the distance.

We have NEVER even hold hands!

How.

And.

How is our first kiss going to be?

I'm a fashionista with brain. But I got too nervous then I embarrassed myself by singing in public.

2011-02-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

I didn’t get to take any pictures for the presentation today because I was so nervous before the presentation. It was okay, not really my best but I’m glad I’ve done it. But I did take a picture the night before, just to check the combination of my clothes. My theme was: edgy.rock.

This competition is getting too intense, too pressurizing, I can’t even breathe. I was singing before the presentation just to adjust my breathing. People were looking at me but I just don’t give a damn anymore. Sometimes, I gave at them I'm-hotter-than-you look, even to those guys.

But it was quite embarrassing actually. I had my earphones plucked in my ears, my volume was maximized and I thought as long as I can't hear my own voice then I'm playing it cool. The next thing I know, my friend hit my shoulder with a serious look on his face. His eyebrow was curved, his mouth is rounded and his eyes somehow gets bigger. I think that expression indicates:

STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF!

It didn't stop me from being nervous but I still went to the presentation room with goofy smile on my face. Actually, I thought of running away but I know if I were to run away, I should have better whine in the presentation room just like how I always did in front of my favorite lecturers. Ira the whining bitch. An identity created by my friends evil minds.

While in the presentation room, I did few suicidal things as well.

1. I let the male judge (I think he's gay) experience our product design which is taken from 'chilli bottle' concept where it is place upside down with a handler, and all you need to do is to press it. But I forgot earlier I tested it with Teh Tarik. =p He smelled his hands afterwards in a slow motion. He thought nobody was looking.

2. I used my old perfume box and modified it as handler but only wrapped one part of it with leather-printed paper. so it was actually still a girly product. The pink part I glued it as compartment, and you see there's a hole once you took out the pink box, and that is where you place your hand. L'OREAL people took a picture of it. I'll upload it once I got it.

3. I ended my presentation with "This ladies and gentleman are dreams made for reality. This is the trendsetter. This is the new gaga" with confidence level dropping.

4. I fucking asked back for the prototype when they already kept it. CRAP!!!!!

We shall see what happen next though. My little guts say that we’ll get through or I could be mistaken it for hope. I don’t know. We shall see by first week of March. But I wish everything could end now. It's too much.

I’ve submitted my event proposal too and I’m waiting for it to be approved so I could proceed with the next stage. The concept of my idea is unity but my hidden agenda is to connect government to youth.

I really want to leave a footprint in every place I’ve been. I want to create many sweet memories of my university years. I want to see a memory that would live until I die. I want to condemn that ‘Asian Blonde’ concept forever.

It’s hard to believe that it’s my final year. There are so many things I want to do before I graduate. I’ll make sure I’ll leave this place with bunch of memories to remember.

Talking about graduation. I don’t know whether I should be in the ‘fame’ area or ‘professional’ area. I’m still trying to figure out what I love most to do. But I know at the end of the day, I want to bring joy in others lives

I want to teach filming classes once I graduated too. I want to continue dancing, writing for events. I want to film happiness in weddings. I’ve been exposed to so many things. And I want to do everything. I just want to be happy and being occupied, makes me happy.

I want to shop, live independently and get matured through my own mistakes. That should be the life that I wanted. Fame sounds good, I enjoyed it so much right now.

This is our 2KM Compound for communication campaign. The ideas was to place three billboards in a straight road which will lead our target consumers profile to the 'modern house'. The modern house would be our permanent advertising, as a landmark. The messages in the billboards are for preventive measure while at the same time, informing our audience about our modern house-saloon that could be mistaken for a home.

Fame for being brainy.

Fame for being talented.

Fame for being a hottie (only on my non-fuckedup days)

But I’m always fucked up anyway.

I'm wearing a corset-like top, tucked under my jeans with a ribbon tied around my waist. Getting a little less-whore like how my geek friend refer to me, I put on my SUB leather-like jacket (always loving the material) and 2 inches Bonia boots I borrowed from mom.

However, people grow up and one point in life, you just want everything to be steady. I only know one thing that I don’t ever want to be.

The ordinary.

Don't pause when you were taken for granted, because time is ticking and happiness could happen in any moment.

2011-02-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

The so-called took me for granted.

We were supposed to ‘date’ but he made me wait for hours and disappear without notice. This is not the first time, and I know for real that there’s no point of wanting to make something work if it doesn’t work.

I’ve done my part, I’ve been busy yet still leave a space for him but if he can’t put in the same effort. There’s no point of staying around right?

My brother was pointing out that the so-called has a girl but I didn’t really listen to him. Relationship is all about understanding and tolerance as well as trust.

The so-called told me that he was out with the guys, and that is what I told myself to believe.

I just don’t like the fact that he didn’t even think of notifying me. I’m not being angry because I suspected him nor being jealous over his guys. I’m angry because I just realized that I don’t matter to him as much as how much he matters to me. I’m angry because he made me feel like I didn’t deserve a single notification.

I grew up learning how to play cool, but now I just don’t want to do it anymore. I want to be honest with myself. I want to be expressive, I want my inner lights to shine.

I’m not saying that I would be annoying, but if he didn’t even bother to let me know about things. Why should I bother to tell him that I’m angry? I’m just sick of everything.

I used to play cool because I was afraid that I’d be single forever if I were to be honest. But why be something that wouldn’t make you happy.

Sometimes, we thought that we’re not attractive enough and that’s why we’re still single. Well, at least that’s what I thought. But I came to my senses that I’ve been single because I just haven’t found, not the right person according to my check list but the right person that isn’t in my checklist.

I became insecure and that is where I try to speed things up but it doesn’t work that way. I learnt to loose things up and see what could grow in that space. Exactly what I’m doing now.

I stopped contacting the so-called without notification as well. We shall see whether things are working or not. If it doesn’t then he’s not right for me but if it does work out, then there’ll be more issues to come.

This is life. This is where you should express your feelings. Learn how to admit to your feelings and you’ll live your days with no regrets.

I live all my days full with colors eversince I practice honesty. I’ve never regretted every single action I do. Not even missing shows just to come back for this undefined presentation.

We never know what’s ahead us if we didn’t venture in every aspect. I would never know who’d be my life-time partner, but I wouldn’t want to miss a chance of being loved by a person too.

Don’t waste your time for somebody who doesn’t look at you. It’s better if you spend your time in front of the mirror, at least that person would still look back at you.

Don’t ignore those people who wants to be close to you either even if you don’t like them. Turn those feelings into friendship, something unexpected could grow. If not an unfolded love, or a pure friendship at least a life lesson.

Every space in life is an event. It should be memorable. Life is not about the length, don't count your days of living. It's about the size, count how far have you been, how many things have you seen.

This is life, it is meant to be lived.

Happiness is in you and it's waiting to be expressed.

So friends, be expressive.

Love is in the air.

2011-02-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

Love is not something sacred, love is not about commitment and it’s not even close to obsession. I believe that love is a higher state of happiness with few different responds towards others.

Love is a pure state of happiness.

However, love alone won’t survive. It has to be enhanced with romance. It has to be involved with action, to know that everything is happening for real.

How a mother feed her child, a grandfather kiss his grandson and a husband make love to his wife. All of these are actions and that is how I define romance.

Those are actions made out of love. Love and romance is needed to make a relationship works.

I often missed out one of this, which is why I can never stay in a relationship long enough. I felt love but I don’t feel commitment.

Hence, I’ll be dateless again just like any other year.

I’m not really the type of person that dwells with the past. Everything happens for a reason and I have never regretted any of the love that I’ve lost but I do have a dream, a trashed dream that I somehow wants to forget.

I wish I could let go of all the responsibilities, fall in love and move to a country where no one know of its existence and grow old with the man I love.

I want to leave this place and live a life that is full with meaning. I want to be in love for the rest of my life with no worries of the future.

I remember one moment when I was in love, waking up in the morning, with the thought of the person I love had really made my day beautiful.

The emotion just hit my heart in a second and I feel like crying not believing how much love I have for that person.

One day, I’ll let that feeling comes onto me again without holding back myself. I will feel it.

For this day, Although I have nobody to sing this song for but I hope all you readers out there can find the honesty and truthfulness in this song.

“For The First Time” by K. Loggins

I wish everyone happiness and longevity in your love life.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone.

Busy Mode: ON

2011-02-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

Labuan show was awesome, I had a good time performing there this time. Maybe it’s because my bestie Pheadra was there as well, so during the gap, I was inside the club chilling with her friends.

I stayed back after the show and I partied until I can’t even feel my legs anymore. I went home, feeling high and had a long hot bath with 500ml Carlsberg in my hand.

What a perfect way to end my night.

However, nightmare started today when I had to rush to take my shower, then to the seaport. I reached KK about 5pm and I have only two hours before my practice started again.

I spent those two hours doing my slides and basically, I’m 80% done. I don’t even have a break since I’m involved in most dances for the next two days.

It was so tiring, I can’t even eat. I only had one bread in the afternoon, and a corn when I reached home just now.

My case submission would be at 3pm tomorrow and my I’ve to be on standby at 5pm for my first venue, and 10pm for the second venue.

I’ll be going to Dinawan Island day after tomorrow for show and on the 16^th night, I’m fl..

Wait. I’m getting really confused now.

14^th – Office in the morning to do my work.

Submit my shit at 3pm.

Standby at 5pm @ JA

Standby at 10pm @ D'Junction

15^th - Afternoon@Dinawan Island

16^th- Flight at 10pm.

17^th - Meeting at 9am in school.

Presentation practice at 6pm

18^th - Presentation day, time to be confirmed

19^th - I’ll be fucking RESTING!

20^th - Flight at 6am.

Dance Practice at 7pm.

21ist - Practice at 7pm

22^nd- Another show.

Okay. Now that make sense. So, on the 19^th I’ll be on my hibernating mode and no one is allowed to disturb me!

I have show in school on March 11^th too. Ah fuck. I forgot.

19^th - Meeting with my new landlord

It’s okay. My final show (hopefully) would be on 26^th so I’ll rest on 27^th and 28^th then by March 1^st, I’ll started dancing in school again.

Sounds fair.

Oh damn it. I Haven’t design my sister’s product logo. I promised to do it after 14^th. Okay. Maybe I could squeeze it in on 19^th onwards.

I don’t know. I'll think about it again when the time comes. L'OREAL BRANDSTORM is what's important now.

Sigh.

I feel like my schedule is very pack, for once I feel like I deserved a planner. & Honestly, I don’t even know what dance I’m doing tomorrow. I mean, I know but I’m not sure because I know I rehearsed in studio but days like this happening too much so I just can’t figure out which dance for which day.

I’ll find out tomorrow I guess.

My life is really tiring, and I don’t look good at all but I feel like all the pain that I’m going through right now is worth it.

At least, my life is full with events, it’s full with memories. Which reminds me earlier in the ferry, my friend wanted to bend down her chair but she accidentally pulled somebody else’s chair. The guy was sleeping and his expression was priceless.

It was hilarious. Haha.

Woah, it’s already past 12.

Happy Valentine’s Day people.

I didn’t get to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year since my schedule is pack and I need to keep a sober mind.

Plus, the So-Called is not that into me.

He didn’t even bother to look for me since yesterday.

My friend said he might be trying to avoid all the romantic stuffs.

Well, the thought of it is acceptable.

My life is still good without any of those heart-shaped candies, as well as wrapped roses.

Shoes good though.

Ah. I need to use my Charles & Keith voucher already. Expiry date is coming.

Hm. I wonder what shoes in store right now.

It will be a belated V gift for myself.

I’m happy now.

Happy kissing everyone.

Mwah!

ps: I miss writing.

Part of life: decision.

2011-02-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

I just spent a price of bottle of Chanel Perfume on a trip that I’m not even sure would give me anything in return. How I wish I'm from a rich family, then I could go through this competition without pressure.

Finance has always been the one that hold me back from learning. It has always been.

Anyway,

I’m going on 16^th night and coming back on the 20^th morning. I could stay there but I have to be realistic. Who can feed me there? My mom seriously want to torture me this time since I refused to do any of her work.

I’m planning to pawn my necklace for my trip expenses and by end of the month, I’ll take it back after I got my salary.

I have to admit that at times, I do think that all of this would be useless. I’m not even thinking of long-term. My finance alone is already a problem and now I’m spending it on something that is still blur of its outcome.

But when I think about it again.

Who knows?

Who knows that this would be useless?

I have to believe in myself.

Even if I’ll never make it to final.

At least I know that I’ve done my part.

I have tried.

Dear God,

2011-02-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

All I need is a reliable teammate.

A clear mind,

And a strong motivation.

Bless our team.

Bless Trois Croyances (three beliefs)

Pleasant surprise.

2011-02-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

I was dancing when I missed those important calls as my boss have a strict rule about ‘gadgets’ during practice. I didn’t bother of returning the call until my friend sent me the S.O.S
It turns out that the unknown number was from L’OREAL and the guy just wanted to inform us that we’re still staying for the competition.
I was happy for a moment but the fact that we have to submit our work less than four days killed the happiness on spot. It took us weeks to do the pre-case and now, the harder part comes in but we got less than four days.
Isn’t that crazy?
I’m already troubled with my shows, yet I still need to find a replacement while trying to complete the work. To make things even worst, just a moment ago, my mom pressurized me with her new task.
She wanted me to design a product logo. As usual, I nodded without hesitation. I can’t even say no to my friends, how can I say no to someone who has been feeding me and I don’t even know how to tell my boss that I can’t proceed with the shows anymore.
I will try to make it only until Valentine’s Day but days after that, I wanted to focus on my presentation. Oh by the way, case submission is on 14^th at 3pm. I have show tomorrow, and I’m going outstation on 12^th and only coming back on the 13^th.
I seriously have no idea how am I going to divide my time. This is really tiring. I know I’m supposed to be happy but I just feel like my life is pretty messy at the moment. I don’t even have the confidence to pass this stage.
I believe that the reason why I can’t think of anything right now is because there are so many things happening at the same time.
So, I'll wait for tomorrow morning to come and by that time, while my head is still on my pillow. I will tell myself one reason, one purpose that I need to achieve while getting through all this messed up situations.
Meaningful life.

So it's my fault?

2011-02-05T07:17:00.003-08:00

I want to be eaten by the world at this moment and live in a dark smoky air, even blurred by the thick bubbles that would bounce against my skin.

It’s better than falling down endlessly with my eyes tightly closed, not knowing when this suffering would end.

My heart is so painful I feel like there’s a midget inside of me that kept on tightening the rope around my heart.

I really can’t stand the atmosphere around me.

I feel like shouting to everyone, telling them to change the direction of their pointed-finger.

I’m really tired of keeping this to myself. It hurts me too much when nobody can hear my heart crying.

Will this ever end? Must I meet my grave and everyone started to think that I too, have my own reasons?

Why am I being judged over someone’s short-term thinking action? Am I really a bad person for doing this? Didn’t I have the right to live my fucking life?!

Should I allow myself to be treated with no respect? Is that what everyone wants?

Should I suffocate myself in a love that I didn’t wish to happen? Must I be selfless and let myself being touched by a person that I can’t barely look at anymore?

This is suffocating! Why can’t everyone understand?

I’ve gone through so much sufferings to get out from that relationship, and even so still taking the blame for the sake of his ego. It hurts me even more just to think of myself walking in that fucking hell again.

Why can’t I live like a normal person? Love and be loved. Mistake and failure. Success and achievement. Why must I go through this nonsense? It’s not worth of my suffering.

I believe in Karma, but what bad have I done to that person to receive this kind of punishment when the only thing I have ever asked from him was the one thing that I deserved.

My own life.

It's Saturday.

2011-02-04T22:13:00.000-08:00

& I'm working.

My brain is super tired.
My training is at 3pm.
Don't think I'd make it.
My lord, I need to dance.
I want to feel myself moving.
I want to feel myself dancing.
Please, give me inspirations.
I need to finish this work fast.
I need a creative inspiration to write.
I need to be in studio.
I need the big mirrors.
Damn it!

Finding The Good BF

2011-02-02T00:10:00.000-08:00

Looks

Money

Personality

Those are bullshits.

Boyfriend is not an accessory, it’s someone for you to love and be happy about it. I don’t want a rich boyfriend with good looks and great personality. I want a boyfriend who supports me, and understand me.

I can’t be with someone who can’t understand what I want. I want someone who let me build my own dream, without him in the picture. I want someone who could give me space to locate my own dreams.

I never ask much, because I don’t want to give much in return. The only thing I ever asked from The X is just one thing: my privacy.

I left him not because it’s a simple problem, I left because it has been the only one thing that I ever ask but he refused to give it.

I'm not a bad person.

I’ve been keeping this to myself for months and nobody knew the truth except my bestfriends.

I have four guys ganging up on me today(my two brothers, the sister’s bf and his brother). They said I’m a mean person who don’t even want to give another chance to The X. What i did is that I revealed half of the truth and that leaves them in silence.

I don't want to reveal it but The X made me do it. How long do you want me to walk around with fingers pointing at me?

I don’t just meet people, make them happy and leave them at the best times of their lives. I left because it’s the worst time of my life.

Is that me being selfish? Am I supposed to continue and suffer until the end?

If he didn't step up to another level to get me, I would have keep in silence, forget about everything, and even forgive whatever things he ever did to me.

He knew that he don't deserve me, and he should feel guilty about everything but I don't understand why he still want to pressurize me?

Sigh.

Just when I thought life is turning okay around me.

Another crazy shit I did when I'm fucked up.

2011-02-01T10:47:00.000-08:00

The reason why we shouldn't be disqualified.

From:

Ira Shahira

Add to Contacts

To:

TAN Meng Hong (Dan)

Greetings Dan,

My name is Ira Shahira from Trois Croyances Team.

I have internal issue which I believe I should mention it to you. My teammate is having trouble to continue with this competition and I've read about the rules and regulation whereby it is already stated that my team will be disqualified if one of the player quit. However, on other circumstances, my team could stay if there are two players still in the game.

I know this is silly but I really don't think that I should quit now, I don't want to give up. I've practically spent all the months I should be dancing during my school holiday doing interview around KL. I even postponed an event that I should be organizing (it's an honor for me) because I just thought I should focus on the precase.

That is from my side and from the other player's side. He just begin to look at things in a better way. He feel like god is giving him another chance to compete (his work actually awarded bronze for Kancil Award, but somebody else took the credit). He's really excited about this (I read his blog)

So basically, what I'm trying to point out despite the dramas that I mentioned (purpose to attract your attention). Me and my other teammate didn't do this for the sake of experience. We want to win this, and even if we lose, we need it to be a losing victory.

We're not hardworking like others, probably. But I can assure you that we are creative students, we don't play safe at all. We understand that this has to be realistic, but we like to play with ideas a lot.

Even if the two of us stays, we still can make it. So to highlight my purpose of sending this email to you, is there any other way my team could stay in the competition if my teammate decided to back out? Or should I break his leg and give you the copy of doctor's note?

Do let me know.

Thank you very much.

& Happy Chinese New Year.

Wish I have a spell to cast the troubles away.

2011-02-01T10:05:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought life is going good with me. God tests my faith. I have too many problems, too heavy burdens clinging in my heart.

Sometimes it’s lifted for a moment but most of the times it kept adding pressure to my heart.

#Family

Mom is sick. Really sick. But I still can’t stop dancing. I just came back from studio and I can’t sleep yet because I’m afraid my mom needs something. I gotta let my dad have some sleep.

#The X

He’s in Sabah now.

He can’t accept the break-up.

He wanted to see my mom.

& I’m really fucked up.

This is PRESSURIZING!

#The so-called

I need him now. I need him to convince me to stay with him. I need his moral supports. I need someone to tell me that he will protect me from The X.

#L’OREAL BRANDSTORM

My teammate is fickle-minded. I don’t know if I should compete with my whole heart or not. He’s not sure whether he’ll be in Malaysia until June. If he can’t, then my team will be disqualified.

I hope he's in because if he's not, I was just informed that during November & December last year (when I was busy with competition), the dancers earned THOUSANDS for each month. Fuck I regretted I didn't go back to dance.

#Dancing

I got off day until Saturday. Yet, I still need to learn 6 new dances. I’m tired, I don’t have stamina and I’m losing my touch. I hate my body. I feel ugly and I can’t fucking dance.

I lost so much weight!
Thanks to all the stress!

My show will be on 10^th, 12^th, 13^th, 14^th, and 19^th.

Supposedly, I have to dance on the 16^th , 17^th and 18^th too but I got to focus on my presentation skill. Then on the 19^th, my boss will fly me to Kuching, Sarawak for show.

#Limkokwing University

The new semester will commence on February 28^th. I have dance performance on March 11^th, I have to pass up my event proposal this month too. & This is my final year, I need to maintain above 3.00 still.

I don’t know.

I feel like the time is never enough.

Am I not trying my best?

I know time will solve everything but I really can’t have The X drama now. I feel like running away from him.

Hm.

Maybe I should try that.

Drama Queen Mode on L'OREAL BRANDSTORM.

2011-01-30T22:56:00.000-08:00

I took back what I said earlier.

To my defense, I was half-sober and now, I'm fully sober! I regretted what I said and god please do not punish me!

My team made into Semi-finals, and honestly, I thought I wouldn't make it because we weren't prepared when we presented that day. I hope this will give my other teammates confidence.

I feel so sexy,

I feel satisfigasm!

I know it sounds so wrong but I feel that way. My brain is fashionable too! I'm glad that they announced it late too and leave me two weeks to do the case study. However, it makes me realized that I should play this time.

I don't want to regret for not being crazy, I already regretted during Kancil Award. The gold winner's idea was a receipt and mine was close to that! Mine was a receipt printed out from ATM machine and it was one of the ideas.

So close to gold's idea but not even close to winning. Damn it!

I dont want to play safe anymore, I will unleash all the creativity within me. I want to play like there's no tomorrow. I want to be crazy, crazy to one point I would stand on the judges table. I will even dance if thats what it takes for me to win.

But whatever means come later, I don't want to regret for losing in a coward way. I need to do this and be happy while doing it.

Oh and like usual, mom was not impressed. It's okay. God I feel sexy!

Its monday and I'm half sober. =)

2011-01-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what’s happening right now.

L’Oreal Brandstorm (HR) contacted me saying that he sent me an email but it was undelivered. Why? Why? Why must he contacted again! He was already a week late, and I was already over it! I don’t need to find the result whether I got in to semi-final or not, I’m just over it!

I’ve moved on!

I’ve already thinking how to spend my freaking holiday although I know that I had turn my three months holiday into a waste. Not really a waste though, thinking that I at least gathered some experience. And a scrapbook. ;)

Anyhow, I went out with my darling best friend last night and we shared deep thoughts together. Finally I met someone who truly understand how I felt, who truly speaks the same language as I did.

We spoke nothing-can-beat-the-tiredsome-of-your-brain language! I met the one! I have met the one! I wish more of my friends can understand this language but honestly. Sigh.

I went to a party too last night, sold myself off and got a free bottle. Woot. But I was doing it in a very professional way, no worries. Or should I say, in a lady likeness way? And he was being a gentleman but all the dancers was proud at me that I passed to be in a whore club.

Haha.

What was that supposed to mean! Although I know they’re joking. They always have this, some stupid, crazy, creepy jokes about things.

They were dancing about it. Flicking their hair and, and, and shouting and pouring me more of the drinks until I just can’t remember how I get out from that place. I don't even remember why I went to the kitchen for. I know my mom asked me to do something and I did but I don't know what I did. If she knew that I was...Okay! Moving on!

Woah. Last night was fun but tonight, I had to dance again. Yes. On a mission to get rid of my fugly tummy!

Another thing, my brother sold his van to get Honda City (I'm still trying to convince him to get Civic). My other brother is using Civic but what's the problem? They always have this identical things like jeans, laptops, shirts so what's the problem if they got the same car?

So confusing.

I was supposed to be driving a new car by March in KL actually and it was supposed to be a secret but what the heck. It's not like I'm going to get one anymore. I think it's best if I get one after I finished my study.

My mom came over to KL last december and we talked through things. She was a little impressed with my studies and my life, my achievements and my goals so she told me to obtain my driving license. I was happy about it but come to think about it, I don't deserve it yet. Plus, my life has been going on really well for the last three years without a car so what's the fuss of getting it now.

I used to dream of getting a Vios, but now I'm aiming for Camry.

I'll wait.

You know what they said about all the good things come to those who wait.

All the good things appearing to me now, I just have to wait a while more to take them in. I feel good about everything. I've stopped wanting to be rich, I don't want to be rich anymore, I just want to be respectable.

I figured that life is not about being rich, it is for us to live as a human. So I decided that after I graduate, I want to help all the poor little kids to get their education, I want to help animals to get their shelters, and I want to help the orphans to get the love and affection. I want to be happy with what I do. I want to compensate the past that I've screwed.

I want to be human.

Amen. =)

So that is all for its-monday-and-im-half-sober rant.

Peace out!

Animal Matters To Me

2011-01-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

Just in case if you guys have missed my previous post. I, Ira Shahira Rasmadin is supporting SPCA latest campaign - "Animal Matters To Me".

Please click on the highlighted word and sign the petition. They need 10 million signatures to let the governments of the world know we are serious about achieving a Universal Declaration on Animal Welfare at the United Nations.

We have our own reasons not to give them a temporary shelter by fostering, or treat them as our own family by adopting them, donate nor volunteers, but I'm sure signing up a petition won't be that bad. It takes less than the time you spend reading this post.

So guys, please for a moment. Be fully human and think about the poor animals. A little part of us and from others could make a change.

Thank you very much.

Animals Cruelty.

2011-01-28T01:02:00.000-08:00

There's a recent news, about a puppy being abused by a couple. The whole point because the couple wanted to train the puppy to stand like a human-being.

So, the girlfriend recorded it while the boyfriend hit the puppy with a metal bowl on its face. Fortunately, the incident was spread around the world and made it to news after the USB was found in KLCC.

The whole story was covered in The Malaysian Insider if you're interested to know the whole story.

I started to think, there must be a reason. I mean, it's really impossible for one to be completely inhuman. Is the puppy a bad puppy? Or are they short of money and their grandma is dying so they need to put on show to get all the money going?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I tried to think for more reasons but none of them can defend their actions. It's too much. How can a person be so. so. so. so

Cruella De Vil?

Even Cruella meant to kill for once and for all so she could parade her coat while being papparazied with all the flashes.

Without those tortures.

It makes me so angry to a level that I became so disappointed with the world. Why? And why there are people that is so cruel?

I was thinking of writing to SPCA before and when I logged onto their website, it turns out that there are hundreds of people who had filed complaints. It makes me feel a little better to know that they are still people out there who actually care.

Frankly, what is our duty as a human in life? I've seen a man at my friend's apartment before who use to feed all the stray animals. Every evening, he would call all the animals to gather around and start to feed them.

It turns out that he's a rich guy that wants to be 'fully human'. He reminds me so much of 'Twitchel'. I adore his readings yet fail to practice it.

SPCA needs a helping hand and I'm ashamed of myself for promising that I would be one of their volunteers but have never been able to perform my duty as human.

If any of you would like to be a volunteer, just click the highlighted link and register there. You could also adopt if life is going okay around you. These pets will be sent to 'sleep' if there are no adopters due to cramped cages.

However, if both seems impossible to be fitted in your life at the moment. I suggest that all of you sign a petition for their campaign, 'Animal Matters To Me'.

It's to raise awareness and only takes a minute to complete them. I know all of you are busy with the world but please, if you could just have a minute.

Please let it be a minute that would change the fate of the poor animals out there. They do too, deserve to be loved.

I'm Home.

2011-01-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

I'm back in my hometown. Had a good time last night with my siblings although my first brother came a little late. At least he paid my bill during the after-party food session. I had 'Beef Tapa' and rice. It's really good, mixing it with chillies and limes.

During this holiday, I have few things that needed to be completed:

Random Tasks. (already been assigned with few)
My event proposal (the last one was eaten by that bloody virus)
Dancing
Tricked my grandpapa to come to mom
And look after them

Sabah is a very beautiful place. I never realized that before since I grew up with this beauty. It was too norm for me, it meant nothing for me.

Now that I'm staying at busy city, where buildings are everywhere, I actually enjoyed walking by the shores and get my clothes wet a little. I enjoyed looking at the horizons, the sunsets and everything. It's really beautiful.

How come I have never noticed these beauties before?

Nature meant to be treasured.

I'm glad to be home.

13 Constellations

2011-01-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

Posted in Twitter: Damn you #Ophiuchus. I was born a Virgo. I will die a Virgo!

Alright.

Now we have 13 signs and you may not be the same person you thought you knew anymore. Is that means that for all your life you think that the only reason why you responded on certain things, the only valid reason why you’re behaving at certain point is because…

Of your star sign?

Okay, even if you do. What is so wrong about knowing yourself as someone else? Is it because for all this while, you’ve built yourself according to your horoscope too much that you find it hard to be someone else?

Well, if that’s the case then I hope you’ll be at ease one day but if that isn’t the case then stop being panicked over it.

Take things at the good way. Maybe that’s why your life never works out because for all this while you’ve been reading a different sign and being carried away, like so much far away.

Be happy. It should be a new beginning for you.

As for me, I still don’t believe in horoscope. I am what I am, although I grew up knowing that I’m a Leo and I should be outspoken but I’m not. I have stronger trait than that. I kept on telling my friends to find a random trait and before they could even speak it out, they would realize that I too, has that trait.

My friends feel like some of them are true, but I say it’s because they’re responding to it.

Eg. Imagine a day where your sign tells you that you’ll be lucky on a certain week and indeed, you were lucky. Sure you’ll think that your sign’s prediction is correct without thinking that you were lucky too last week. But why only that week matters? Because that is the week when your sign tells you that you’d be lucky.

I believe in astrology, but I just don’t believe how it could affect my life.

To me, horoscopes are just part of economy and consumption, just like how urban legends have fed us with mermaid stories.

However, I’m not setting up an argument. It was just a thought. Especially at times like this when I'm half sober.

Peace out.

Create your future.

2011-01-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

Don’t spend your time by perfecting your dream, put yourself into it and perfect it along the way.

I don’t believe in working under someone for the experience just so I could have a perfect business in the future. I would get my hands to it, make thousands of mistakes and learn from it because no matter what, problems will still come in the future.

What I'm trying to point out is, you'll never know what you're worth of if you don't try to challenge yourself. Of course, I'm not saying that you should become a ballet dancer if you don't even know what is ballet.

Do your research, put your ballet shoes, and start moving and you'll know where you stand.

Most people further their studies so they could find a job in the future. Their trouble is after getting all the knowledge, they became picky about their jobs.

Some are scared if they will choose the wrong job, and some are not confident to venture in other field but most people are looking for shortcuts.

Certificate alone is already a short cut, but loving what you do is not about shortcuts. Certificates open up a path, but it doesn't say that it's the only area you could bloom. It doesn't stated where you should stand, nor a field that you should love.

If you love something, do it. Issues like money will pressurize you at one point but not if you look at is a reward. All of us get better doing things that we love, and as things get better so as money.

I know this is hard to imagine because you’re blocking yourself from imagining it. However, to get yourself into it you must know how to differentiate a goal and a success. Goals are your checkpoints in life, you get better through goals while a success is where you stop and smile to the memories you’ve created.

I have endless goals, and most of them are those that I’ve not yet discovered and a success, is looking at my own creation.

My friend think it’s scary because I will get hurt one day for hoping too much. I told him, I could give my heart or half of it but both ways will still hurt me in the future despite how big the wound is.

Doubts are setbacks.

The future will still hurt you, but why don’t we all give everything we know and if it doesn’t work out, lets cry for a day and wake up knowing that it’s a new day.

Don’t fall in love with the idea of spoon-feeding. Go to the kitchen, make something you love and consume in bliss.

You may dream yourself dancing Swan Lake routine, but can you do it in reality?

Exactly what I'm trying to point out. Get your hands to it, and perfect it along the way. Don’t wait for opportunities to come, search for it.

I'm not a baby anymore

2011-01-16T11:18:00.001-08:00

A quiet night, gives me a full of thoughts. Enhanced by a thick smoke, brought me back to the memories that reflects my present.

Exposure after another, gives thrill to this life. Some that I would want to repeat, some that meant as a memory. Some still in the list, some were crossed from it.

I had another one crossed last night. Embarrassed yet unbound.

74.~~Skinny Dipping~~

I wonder, how have I grown up? What were the elements used that turn me into a person who breathe and actually feel the air?

Confidence. Self-Esteem. Ego. Ambitious. All the positivity. I never thought that I felt them again. Three years ago, those words seem so far away from me. I even had a friend who I shared my pain with, a language of depression.

I wanted to kill myself.

I was young and naïve, hating the world and believing that I’m nothing but a tool. I responded to what I believe in and became a tool.

Those were the days. I am now, my mother’s new hope.

My one and only true hope is to bring happiness in others lives. Sacrifices needed to be made, that is for sure but in what sense is still unclear. Let’s just all pray for a life that we all wanted to have. I pray love and happiness for everyone in this world.

God doesn’t want you to be born in this world to suffer. You were made for a reason. Find that reason beneath your heart, reach it and you’ll be content for the rest of your life.

Good night everyone.

L'OREAL BRANDSTORM update

2011-01-14T23:21:00.000-08:00

L’OREAL BRANDSTORM submission is tomorrow but I have nothing prepared. I will take these two days, pressuring my brain to come up with something. It’s not that I didn’t prepare anything but my lecturer doesn’t like my big idea.

Guess what?

I’m still going with that idea. I was kind of fighting with him yesterday because he’s not listening to me. He once told me that:

‘when you think your idea is good, just go for it no matter how people around you hate your idea. Sometimes, even your lecturers could be wrong’

I joined this competition with my other teammates. And out of three, 0 voted no.

It’s all about risk, even if our work didn’t get through. I believe what we have is good, so I will still proceed with it.

God bless me, God bless Trois Croyance.

Another ending.

2011-01-13T08:01:00.001-08:00

It’s not my nature to hurt somebody although I’ve done that for too many times in life. All I could do is to be in the process of mending one’s broken-hearted, to lend a hand to assure that he hasn’t fully lost his self-confidence, hasn’t fully lost his self-esteem.

A person without faith is the poorest person ever as the beauty of joy vividly seen from his sight. I don’t want to be the person who show a way to the light of happiness, and leave when the dark sets in. I can’t leave him losing his way back home, wandering around as a lost person and hating love for all his life.

It’s because, it wasn’t love that made him lost the joy of his life. It was me, I was the one who made him to believe that there’s nothing greater than my love and it has to be me who has to be the one that pull him up back from the rough waves, pushing him to the shore from what he’s going through after I pushed him off from my life.

It has to be me that had to show him, love happens when there is chemistry between two souls. It is all the little things that work like magic in every process which resulted to a profound understanding. However, things may go wrong at most cases – from my side of story.

And here I am, writing as a coward who accepted all the guilty charges pressed on me and to admit my wrongdoings, yet, not feeling much guilty as I should be.

My dear god, I'm truly a sinner.

I hope, one day, a moment in his life, he could find a way in his heart to forgive me, and took relationship as a learning process just like how have I built my mental to react in that sense. All damages from heartbreaks can be fixed through time.

You have the power to choose which memory you want to remember and which you want to forget. But through it all, every ending is a new beginning. I wish I could show him how to look things at from my view. How I wish, he would never have to go through all those hurting.

I’m truly sorry for everything.

Living Together

2011-01-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

It was quite a long day for me today, I basically left the house at 5am only to find out that the meeting was postponed to 11am. I was an ear replacement for my mom at the event today. Not one that I fancied since I can barely understood what they hell they were talking about.

As soon as I got off, I faxed the topics of the meeting along with my crazy scribbles all over the paper. I'm quite convinced that my mom doesn't understand any of the things that I've already written since I still had to express it verbally.

Honestly speaking, I don't even understand what I have jotted down. I know the letters but I just don't get the meaning. So when she told me to explain it, I basically repeated my handwritings. =p

That was fun.

It has been a while since I last heard her being pressurized over my stupidity.

Anyhow, back to the title. The reason why I left the house early in the morning because I was experiencing a panic attack. I was asked to move in together but the thought of it gives me a nightmare. I couldn't breathe so I thought I should go for morning air. Which I did.

We've been arguing ever since the day he asked me to move in with him. He thought that I'm happy with him for all this while and honestly I am. Well, I just don't want to share to that extent but he took the rejection as a reflection to his flaws.

This is crazy.

I'm not ready for any of that, not that I'm against it. I just don't like the idea of having to share your space with somebody. I want to crash on my bed alone, without any leg to suddenly kick me in the middle of the night. I want to continue dozing off for 5 minutes longer after I switched off my alarm and panicked knowing that I've overslept. And at that time, I need the washroom to be empty. I don't want to keep on running to my phone every time it beeps or that I had to mute my computer every time I goes on skype.

I've no intention of flirting with other guys, I just don't like explaining when someone from the past intruded my present. I like the freedom, I love my space. I get better when I'm in my comfort zone. Well, who doesn't?

I love my zone so much that I'm determined to leave him if he still insist. I know I sound like an evil witch right now, and most of you must have been thinking what is so special about my zone that I just can't let anyone in. It's not my zone that is special, but the person I am when I'm in it. Where else can you find somebody eating rubbish while watching stupid series and laughing hysterically on a very bad day except in your very own comfort zone?

You know better.

I once come across a saying, 'Love yourself before you love others',

and now, it's all making sense to me.

I love him but I just love myself more.

Better Today.

2011-01-03T21:08:00.000-08:00

Thank you god for making today a better day for me. After the long hours of sleeping, and a liter of tears. I finally gathered all the courage to face another new day again.

I will try to fight again with my whole heart this time. So please dear god, bless me with all the courage and faith. Let me have the confidence to be the one with wisdom.

Show me a path for an opening victory, even if its not to others but to myself. Let me have the satisfaction feeling, knowing that I have given my best and the lost is still a winning victory.

Amen.

2011 kick-start

2011-01-03T08:35:00.000-08:00

My 2010 ended pretty nicely.

I became a person who is much wiser than the year before. However, 2011 is being a bitch to me. I haven’t received any good things from this year yet, not that I didn’t try. In fact, I tried harder but everything just brought me to a point of pressurization.

I've lost my faith.

How evil tests have messed with my life, and played with my self-belief. I lost in that war though. So now, I’m a person without faith.

I’ve always been a person who said yes to people but at this point, I just can’t say it anymore. Always been the person with good thoughts, always with the positivity, always found a way to climb higher maybe that’s why when I fell, the ground hits me real hard.

I tried to put in positivity in life this morning, but the more I do it, the more it gets harder and at the end. I decided to skip meals and stay in my room up until this moment.

I just thought tomorrow might be a better day. How ironic, just few hours ago I was thinking of hanging myself to the window.

I’m just at my lowest point of life.

I’m a bit better now, maybe I should take a break and be an ordinary someone for a minute. Which is why, I decided not to compete with my whole heart for L’Oreal Brandstorm. Although, the winning for 1MIT gave me a huge confidence to aim for another achievement.

I should be ordinary and follow the norm, to avoid any threat to my security. I should be someone who stay low, and dream about a life that I would never have. After all, that’s why it is called dreaming anyway.

I can’t deal with life anymore, not at this point, not now.

I just can’t.

Well...

I guess this is my whole story about the beginning of my year 2011.

Fantastic isn’t?

1MIT Award teaser.

2010-12-06T02:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't sleep since last night and I just came back from school after I left the award-giving ceremony. I'm going to rest for an hour first before I left to fetch my mom.

Will tell details soon, hopefully the pictures will be up by then.

cheerio.

Hello again.

2010-12-04T22:22:00.000-08:00

It’s been raning everyday in CyberJaya. It pissed me off because there’s a day where I don’t have enough coins to use the Dryer and too lazy to go home to take it, I would bring the damp clothes home. As I thought it was okay to dry them at home, it started to rain without mercy.

That day happens today and yes, I’m pissed.

I know I haven’t blog in a while and of course that my life has changed so much from my last post. You could sympathize me, or congratulate me or even wish me good luck. I would take them all.

First thing first, I didn’t win Kancil Award. Expected though. That probably because my aim was never to win, but would be nicer if I win. Not much efforts contributed there.

As for 1MIT Video Contest, just for the sake of joining but thanks to luck that we’re shortlisted. Tomorrow we’ll be the award-giving ceremony. Although I have no faith of winning but my lecturers said that we’ll at least win a category. That makes me feel good enough.

I didn’t join others due to time constraint but for this holiday, I’m joining L’Oreal Brandstorm competition. This time, not quite sure what has gotten into me but the energy inside me is something that I’ve never felt before.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been defeated by some people that took all the credits from somebody else’s work. Or maybe because I thought I should have been the one who would be there, only if I put extra effort.

So here I am, refusing to go back, refusing to dance, refusing to have fun. Instead, books after books I fed myself with and it was only for just a reason:

I want to win this.

I’ve shifted to new place by the way. Good environment, quiet place too. I bought few furniture from IKEA, based on sympathy from my second brother. Right now, I’m writing on my new coffee table next to my new mini book rack. It feels good. It feels new. Well of course it’s new. I guess I’m just trying to point out that the feeling is new.

I feel fresh.

Maybe it’s because of the rain too. I shouldn’t have hated the rain. It should be the one that makes me feel fresh. Ah well.

My mom’s coming tomorrow, I’m praying that she would offer me some goods without me even asking. Let’s pray to that. Okay. I should prettify my room. I bought a new hammer. It’s amazing how a hammer could contribute so much in beautifying a space. Yet again,

It’s the little thing that counts.

Complications.

2010-10-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

I have to sell my ‘Kancil Award’ ideas to the creative directors (most probably the judges) this Thursday. I’ve no idea how I’m going to do that because I won’t be around for test-shot with my lecturers on Tuesday since I’m going for 2-day seminar in KL.

I hope I can bullshit though. *cross fingers*

Other than that, I need to seriously use my PR to get a 5 minute interview with Datuk Siti Nurhaliza during Malaysian Young Women Entrepreneur Seminar, or my lecturer won’t give me MC for that 2 days where I’ll be missing my classes.

& tomorrow. I had to pass up my resume to my lecturer already as I might be working at his daughter-in-law branding company and guess what? I have nothing in my mind.

My other option would be BrandThink Asia, but I’ve no idea how to send a ‘creative resume’. I was thinking of shooting a video using green screen and stuffs which covered my personalities, my relationships with people and stuffs but it will take much bragging and it’s not something that II would be pleased to do.

My other strategy would be sending a mug with words written:

“It may not last forever, but it comes in handy especially in times when others need it”

Or any words that shouts “I’m smart, creative and useful so hire me” while still having modesty intact.

Now, how do I do that?

Garh! This is so confusing!

And I have to start shooting my short film this weekend but I still don’t have my cast yet! OMG. Can somebody please just shoot me?

& Halloween. Shit, I need to practice my dance some more. Why? Why things have to be so complicated?

Okay. I need a break.

CONT'D

2010-10-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

My landlord came over today, and we’ve discussed about our moving out issue. He was okay with it and we just have to inform him two days in advance before the date that we supposed to move out. I’ve checked my new room too, and I kind of like it. I’m taking an empty middle room with balcony. It’s a townhouse and the facilities area is quite big as well. I definitely adore the gym.

I’m not planning to come back yet, maybe I’ll try to work here in KL first. After joining the Kancil Award, I felt like staying in advertising agency. I just love the pressure and how ideas came in random times. Even when I was sleeping, I had to force myself to get up and write my idea on a piece of paper.

For the upcoming holiday, I’ll try talking to my lecturers if they could suggest me into any advertising agency. Well, my aim is Leo Burnett of course. Hopefully, I can get in. In the meantime, I should focus on my school, and NextGen Award (short film) organized by Astro.

I’ve already got the script, showed it to 5 lecturers, and so far all of them complimented on the storyline, especially how I ended the film. It will be a total fiction, but the main concept is that:

“In a lifetime you will be saved by three people without you knowing, and you also will save a person with you knowing.”

“There are three people that will be the reasons for you to live, and one person that will be the reason for you to die”

It’s pretty interesting actually if I can pull it off. Those are just simple shots but I had to play a lot with editing. My friends are going to help me with the shooting since I help them with the acting (to one extend that I had to drink a coloured milk which substitute blood).

It helps a lot since I don’t think I’m able to find actress that can really feel the main character. So, I’m guessing I’ll be the next M. Night Shyamalan and I just have to trust my friends with their shots. It’s going to be still shots with no zooming or panning but I have to play with emotions a lot, so I need a perfect composition to create emotions.

All I need to do now is to plan my budget since I’m an independent director, and it’s coming to an end of semester so things are getting pretty hectic, I just have to be wise in terms if time management. I also need to write list of things that I need to be supported by school eg. Bridal Gown from Fashion Design, Camera Equipment, etc.

Next show: Thursday in Plaza.

Kancil Award.

2010-10-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

I really want to update my life but to be honest, I’m pretty busy for real. I’ll find some time to update later because I’m not planning to do any work later but let’s start with the most recent ones.

I joined Kancil Award which I almost gave up actually because I wasn’t picked for the competition, nevermind shortlisted. When everyone got their briefing, brainstorming for ideas, I was waiting for them to finish outside so I could personally meet the lecturer.

This year’s challenge was to promote UOX (celcom) by using ambient advertisement. I was the only one who go for event because I feel like I work best with writing. One day before the submission, me and another three final ones, stayed back in school and did our work for the whole night.

It was fun, my lecturer adores our teamwork despite competing for the same award. All the lecturers were being nice to us, I even got to skip my presentation on the submission day because they thought that I should go home and sleep. They’re really sweet eh?

Anyway, I got to clean my place. It’s 4am in the morning and my landlord is coming over at 9 later. Shit, I seriously need a break. Anyway, here’s my final product. Click on it to view. =) I think I did good, although may not be as good as others.

Product/service name - UOX (University of X)

Target audience profile - College/university students 18 - 25 years

Communication objectives - To increase positive brand attitude & create talk of the town

Key message - You get more out of life with UOX

Desired consumer response - UOX is awesome! it speaks my lingo. I feel privileged to be associated with the brand.

Media channel(s) - Ambient ideas around the campus.

Blissful.

2010-10-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm happy today.

I was happy yesterday.

Two days ago I was upset though,

but I'm sure I'll be happy tomorrow,

as well as the day after tomorrow.

That's because I'm happy, I felt good and I'm just too grateful that finally, I can hear my heart is beating again.

xox

Month to go.

2010-09-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a while that I haven't updated my site. Been quite busy at the moment with stuffs. Well, there's not much going on with life but the main flash at the moment would be moving alone to Cyberjaya. Fin got a job offer in Jakarta and Keshen are going to continue his study in UK.

I'll be left alone in KL. Not that I can't go to Australia, but I don't think I'm ready for that. It will be really hard to let those boys go I'm sure, but life is like that. Every meeting has to come to an end, and every person will see a side of you that others won't be able to see. That's when they became part of your life.

It won't be easy but that's how people got matured, by letting go something that is very meaningful to them. I just have to let them go, and I'm sure I will appreciate every person that comes in my life after them. I think I will really miss them.

Sigh.

God bless them, whatever plans they have in the future.

Amen.

super down and disappointed.

2010-09-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

For a moment, I was excited to get in final 15 for Maya and I actually believe that I could make it to final 8 but then again, I had to choose between family and my passion. Family is something that I have cherished for a long time, but to be able to dance in front of thousands of people has been a dream that I want to achieve as well.

I had a showcase this upcoming Wednesday and I was told to come or I’ll be eliminated, I didn’t drag it for even a day because family should come first. I mean, of course I was a little disappointed to be eliminated without even fighting and I know myself very well when it comes to performing. I know I’ll do well plus I’ve covered all the basic for each type of dance. I’m pretty fast with catching up steps, and I can even memorize the whole song in three days without obvious mistakes.

Shit, I kinda bragged a little over there but that’s the practice that I have applied in my whole dancing years. I’m good at memory even my friends were afraid of me, I remember account numbers, passwords, or even a note that I only had to read twice, and that’s also the reason why I’ve always passed my test without putting much efforts in it. I mean, it’s already an effort for a party girl like me to actually stay in library for hours.

But who could have blame them, it’s the structure that they made and I just had to follow them. It’s not like I’m that good until I can’t be replaced, there were so many good dancers as well. It just that I feel like I’ve always missed my chances but it’s okay. There is still next year anyway, and I still can perform for Halloween or even participating Glitz. Plus, I know for a fact that they wanted to give me chance but I was the one who didn’t hold onto it.

It’s okay, I’ll be fine. We can’t always get what we wanted right?

Anyway, I did my presentation today and thank god there were no comments from my lecturer. She’s the nobody-get-lower-than-A-in-my-class kind of strict, so my group should be okay. Then I had photoshoot for Maya Dance Competition which I’ve never thought that I’m done for after an hour, I also got my final cervical shot where my arm is kind of hurting right now, I also called the florist to arrange my mom’s flowers and I’m telling you lily is expensive, damn it! Other than that, I bought a pair of shoes for myself and a gift for my mom.

Its 3AM in the morning and I’m holding myself from going to sleep as I’m afraid that I’ll miss my flight. I’m seriously sleepy because I got up early today. Damn, I really need to talk about something.

Sometimes, I wonder what the point of blogging is when I don’t even really enjoy it.

Oh. My pole dance lessons got postponed and I’m taking ballet exam soon. I also might enrol in Nafa after I graduated next year. I’m still considering it because I can’t really be selfish and press another 100k out of my family. It’s Diploma of Performing Arts majoring Dance but it’s quite a good college and I can send a tape to audition myself. That’s a relief because I really have problem with auditioning, I can’t stand of being watched by people (only during auditioning).

My other option would be in Melbourne, it’s a school of performing arts and I’m considering it as well. I still haven’t make my decision but what I know, I have to be below 25 to get in those schools.

Shit, I don’t know what to do with my life. My lecturer wanted to assign me in a production company and damn right I love filming. So, I’m quite confused with what to do with my life.

I love dancing, I love filming and sometimes I just wish I could run away from responsibilities. I wish I could go somewhere far away and live my life according to what I’ve wished for but at times I also think that it’s the adrenaline speaking.

Sigh.

I love my new shoes.
And I think guys from Tajikistan are hot.
I want to go Korea and meet my ‘summer’ fling.
I still haven’t sent the album to my friend.
I like my friend, I think he’s charming.
Sometimes, I wish that I could fall in love with my bestfriend.
I want to fall in love with my bestfriend.
I want a time machine as a final wish before I die.
I hate smoking.
I think I’m more handsome than my brothers.
I wanted to do a plastic surgery.
I did a test and it says that my sex life is insomnia; I’m not quite sure what it means.
Keshen’s sex life is refreshing.
Fin made a vow not to fall in love again and I think that’s the lamest vow ever.
I vowed that before.
I stepped on Fin’s cracked tiles this morning and I know he’ll be angry if he finds out.
I’ve no idea what I was talking about during my presentation today.
I mentioned ‘conspicuous’ but I don’t even know what it means. I was scanning through the note in my brain at that time.
Fin is annoying when he sings. I don’t like him.
Keshen got in BMW Film Clinic. I’m a bit angry because he can’t choose between tightening his braces or go for the clinic.

“Keshen, today I had to choose between my passion or my family. What’s the worst that could happen to you if you don’t tighten your braces tomorrow, you just have to put 2 months longer and if you don’t go for the BMW clininc, you had to wait for another year to get in and even by then, you might not be enlisted”

I recommended him the clinic and I’m super jealous because I’m flying back tomorrow.
I officially hate my housemates.
That’s it.
I’m off to bed.

1MIT

2010-09-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

It’s 5am in the morning and would you believe me if I said I just came back from school? Well, not really actually, I stopped by in McD first before I came back home. It was really a long day for me today, thank god tomorrow I won’t be having any classes.

We finished editing our video which mostly were done by Fin. Honestly speaking, I really think that our video was one of the best and it would be the best if we could submit the full version of it. Unfortunately we can’t and we had to cut from 5 minutes length to 3 minutes. Imagine, how much have we shorten the storyline, how much have we cut off the emotions.

I felt bad for Fin, he looks super tired. Right now he’s already sleeping on the right side of my bed (which is under the ceiling fan, I’m always afraid of that fan). He’ll be staying with me for temporary since his tiles popped out as well. Our landlord will be replacing the tiles soon, and I’m going to take this opportunity to fix my curtain (which has been on my to-do board for 7 months now).

Anyway, I should get my sleep now but before that, here’s our latest production of 1 Malaysia Innovation Tournament. This is the best that we can get out of 7hours editing. All done in three days, so you can tell why is it a bit unplanned.

Fin while doing his magic on our shots

& Me camwhoring behind his back. =p

Dilemma.

2010-08-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when somebody has to make a decision that concerns about family over personal matters, I never thought that the dilemma would come too soon for me to decide.

In times like this, people would tell me to choose what matters the most. But how could I decide when both weigh the same on my shoulder?

I do wish that I don’t have to grow up and start to realize that people around me are dying slowly, or that I don’t have to learn to appreciate what a family means. I wish that marriage happens when two people are in love and has nothing to do with inheritance, or that a child can grow up without a proper teaching of religion but just to play with the world and learn from the mistakes. I wish everything can goes smoothly as what is written in the wish-list, but then again, if everything were meant to be that simple, people would have never realize how important it is to dream for a wish right?

Appreciation, the word itself is very strong but how come I’ve never appreciate anything that comes into my life?

What should I do then?

Insomnia effect.

2010-08-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

Lately, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. My school, my social life, love life, performing and etc. I can’t sleep at night and it’s been days that I slept with my brain with its switched-on mode. Not quite sure how to describe it, but it’s something like I got up in the morning and wonder how times have passed when it was just a while ago that my mind was up on something. Not mentioning waking up couple of times in the middle of the night only to find out that I haven’t been sleeping.

I’m considering sleeping pills at the moment and I consulted my mom on that matter but she got a little pissed after hearing that and even tried to threaten me with a funny fact that she claimed as fattening. Hm. I wonder if she has missed out one fact about my life: I’m never afraid of getting fat because it’s something that can be reversed. I just don’t want to get fat because I hate to spend on new jeans.

I’m just a little stress because it has been a busy week for me. I have to choreograph a good dance steps for me to be able to join MAYA dance competition. The audition is going to be tomorrow and it’s actually a dance competition between universities. I’m only interested because the prize is 5k and it was a big event which 10k people were expected to come. Spotlights, fashion shows, stage (concert-like), celebrities, etc.

Other than that, my flatmates and I also will be joining Malaysian’s short film contest which require us to create a film that shows innovation and stuffs, basically as how we see it, is to build self-confidence or self-esteem, challenging the youth to be daring and stuffs. The challenge is, we have to shoot a film that has something to do with chillies. I just registered our team last night and we left 8 days to complete. I’ve booked the equipment and editing suite from Thursday to next Tuesday as we have to submit our video by Wednesday. So I guess, we’ll start shooting on Saturday and with the script that we got so far, we need many talents to be featured in our film.

I also gave up on my heels because it’s quite troublesome for me to move around and since I have the experience of falling down in school (in my flats) that results countless PMs on my MSN, it also cut half of my usual walking time just because I decided to be more cautious of my steps. I remembered I cried out of embarrassment while my mom was laughing on the other line. I also skipped my most favourite time during the day: Lunchtime.

It used to be a memory that I want to forget but to think about it now, it was a fun thing to remember. =)

About my love life, it still sucks for me and it’s only today that I realized that it’s not love that sucks but more like myself. I always give excuses that the people that were chasing after me are too boring for my liking but today, a cute guy from my school that I have been eyeing since my first semester wanted to chill with me but I actually turned it down just because I’m way too sensitive. Somehow I feel like the invitation is leading to sex although my flatmates were claiming that it was actually nothing, and just a thing that people does in the first step of getting to know each other. Anyway, I trust my instinct this time.

Maybe I’m trying too hard to live like a normal student where fun and entertainment is included. I really want to continue on doing things that I love like performing in school, hanging out with my dance drew from school, go on dates, being talked about (as newsflash) just because I went out with this person, being watched while I walked around in my nice dress, you know, all those stuffs. But I don’t know how to do it with my grades maintained 3.00 and above. And for the record, I’ve missed two shopping moments with my girlfriend and I died in jealousy watching my friends carrying shopping bags every time.

Sigh.

If I don’t stop writing now, I’m sure I will never be able to sleep until morning. I should really stop now and as for the quiz tomorrow, I hope I can do well although I just finished reading one newspaper out of seven. Crazy, I even thought of going for dancing instead of studying those newspapers.

What actually has gotten into me?

Short Pause for my heart.

2010-08-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

There is nothing in my heart anymore but I remember that not long ago, it used to be heavy. Maybe time has picked up a little by little but I’m sure it will be filled once again. For now, I should just forget every word I claimed as promises, and live my life with many new experiences.

It may not be good as experiencing love and heartbreaks or skipping classes and repeating modules but I’m sure the satisfaction will be somewhere around that.

To have is to belong doesn’t applied in love, and I’ve realized that only after the hesitation of getting into a possible relationship that my friends wanted to set me up with. I’m good on my own and better if there’s somebody too. But then again, what’s the use of having people that would listen to you for the whole time when their presence is not even well-appreciated.

This is crazy.

I should just wait for that day, by then, my mind, heart and my guts should have already had the answer.

Dying used to mean nothing but an expression to me.

2010-08-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

It was 5am in the morning when I bang my housemates room and dragged them all the way down from 14^th floor. I was down without wearing anything inside and just depended on my sweater to cover things that shouldn’t be seen.

What happened this morning was actually out of paranoia (how keshen defines it). I was in my room when I heard the noise coming from the living room, so I went out to shut my sliding door as I thought the sound might probably made by the strong wind.

Instead, what I saw was a total shocked, I was terrified by the fact that my tiles was making noise because it was slowly CRACKING! Without even thinking, I screamed while running, banging my housemates’ doors and get them out of the apartment right away. I can’t even think of anything although I do have the second thought of getting my laptop, but I ignored everything and the last I need was to go out from the building safe and sound. I was really shaking that time that I just couldn’t utter a word to the security guard. After a while, he managed to understand what I was trying to say and followed us back to the apartment.

I hesitated a little at first but I thought it should be something that has to be done. The moment I went in my apartment, I actually crawled to the cracked tiles which when I think back about it, it’s quite stupid for an act of a 22 year old lady.

Anyway, the guard told us it might due to the temperature which also create air beneath the tiles and whatsoever which made it cracked, and he told us that we have nothing to worry about. After the guard left, my boys went back to sleep at ease while I stayed up for the whole day since I was still in shocked and couldn’t bring myself to sleep, just in case if there is another sound.

It was quite a day, I really thought that I’m going to die. The only thing I grabbed was my phone, just in case if the building were about to collapse, I’ll give it a shot to call my mom before I die. The feeling was so different, I can’t barely walk. Maybe that is how it feels when there is somebody holding a gun right before you and you thought that day will be your last day and the next thing you know, you’re already dead. Maybe that is the feeling, the final moments where you thought would be your last time of living.

It was terrifying.

Ps: Keshen actually believed that something was coming out from the cracked floor, you know, just like in a movie. God. Fin panicked like hell as well and Keshen refused to go out from the room after he saw Fin’s expression, that’s how bad it was.

Mommy's girl.

2010-08-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Told you I got no life besides dancing. That’s why I’ve been quiet for quite a while now, not really sure what to say next since I have not much interesting things going on. Ah well, apart from few of my final days in Borneo land, I’m just a person with no life.

I got my first presentation tomorrow for this semester, hopefully it’ll turn out fine. Maybe it’s the growing up thing that I’m getting intense pressure when people are watching me. It’s quite stressing for me. Shit, I hate presenting.

Another new thing, it’s super easy to detect freshies in my school now, maybe because I’ve been there for years and the excitement has long gone, but to the freshies, they’re still living it up and it has been three weeks now. Oh please, get it over with already.

Although, it took me a year to get over the excitement.

First I know they’re freshies when they’re wearing school T-shirt, then some are trying too hard to be friendly. Mind you, I even got approached by girls and this topic reminds me one funny-looking boy who disturbed me while I was listening to music with ear phone plucked in my ears. & his name is Bobojon. That should goes in my script once I decide to do comedy. Oh and as for today, I identified freshies when they stopped by for more than 5 minutes reading advertisements posted in school.

So far, I only dislike two freshies that I find rather disgusting. One of them who were sitting across me and put his legs on the table while blowing his puffs away. I was quite moody that morning so I just stared at him right in his eyes, his feet and rolled my eyes away. The second glance on him, his feet is already back where it belongs: land. The second one is Bobojon for disturbing my peaceful mind. Man, I’ve never been so proud calling myself as second year student.

I’m in my second year with the tone of 'I’m your fucking senior you shithead, now turn away and leave me alone.'

I’m a little happy today to for few reasons.

1. I donated RM10 for Pink Ribbon, and I learnt how to do BSE.
2. I got a bottle of perfume from my girlfriend. Diesel for women. Smell good
3. Fin finally came back home and hearing him sing at 3am in the morning was actually a bliss this time.
4. Received two dangling earrings from Fin.
5. I only eat two meals for today and feel like I’ve lost 10 kgs.
6. I get to talk to my mom and show her my affections.

I sent my mom two Korean dramas yesterday, it just hurt my feelings that she can’t watch drama due to internet connection. So, I went to the mall and bought them and sent it to her. It makes me happy in a way because that is something that she wouldn’t have done for herself, and she’s been wanting to watch Boys Before Flower since before I left. Only god knows how much I love her.

At times, I really want to text her not to leave me before I really grow up because if she leave me now, I would die. I’ve been dreaming about her these few days and thinking of her sometimes makes me want to cry.

I’ll study hard this semester and make my mom proud because I’m my mom’s daughter, and she deserve the best out of me.

Till then.

ps: I'm still dressing up for school up to this day & my girlfriends said Sabah must have been treating me well since I looked so fine. I love getting compliments from girls, it feels different.

The end of my holiday.

2010-07-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

I’m planning to start going classes by next two weeks and just busting my ass with all I got to focus just on my study. The first thing that I’ll do once I’m back is to plan my 24/7 student’s life which involve leisure, fitness, assignments and beauty.

I’m not satisfied with my latest result which is a major jaw-dropped to me, I didn’t fail anything but it was terrible which kind of got me confused. All the work that I did were assisted by my own lecturers and not even a single work I passed up without a nod from my lecturer so how can my pointer drop?

I seriously think that there’s a problem somewhere because I put more efforts this time compared to my previous term. I even doubled up my effort by going to library almost every day, until 10pm at night, I cut down my leisure time to 70%, and even went to see my lecturer off campus during weekends. So there must be a mistake, and even if there’s none, there should be.

Anyway, back to my life over here, I’m going to have shows for three days straight and I only have 2 days left to nail my movements. I’m glad all the dances I’m going to do is fun:

Saturday - Wedding (Waltz, Nobody But You, Belly Dance Solo and Group)

Sunday - G-Mart (Michael Jackson Tribute and Lady Gaga Tribute)

Monday - Blue Lagoon, Sutra Harbour (Single Ladies and Belly Dance Solo)

Saturday was supposed to be my final show for the holiday but since opportunity of getting to know people lies on Monday and I got a special request for out-station on Sunday by G-Mart boss himself (ehem), so I’m going just for the sake of giving face as ordered by my boss as well and for the sake of networking I need in the future. I felt bad though because they have to drive all the way back to get me. Sigh.

I wonder who that boss was, it could be a good thing to know since my family wanted to sell me to a rich man. Especially at times like this when all the payment stuck halfway, my mom really wanted to sell me with anything that I have which if mentioned specifically, my VJJ. I'm not kidding, even my brother was looking forward to that. To sell me to any wrinkled-looking rich man.

Crazy family!

Lee Min Ho - Personal Taste. Two Thumbs Up.

2010-07-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

It’s true what they said, it’s not the face that makes people go crazy over somebody but more on the personality. I had 16 hours of getting to know Lee Min Ho in Personal Taste, and it all became too clear to me that I’m madly in love with him. He has strong determination, sensitive, and laid-back, just the kind of person that makes me go ohmygod!

Synopsis

Jeon Jin Ho is a straight architecture who pretends to be gay in order to become a roommate to his female friend, Park Kae In so he could steal the designs of the house to win a tender of a big project.

His hobbies include organization and ironing, and he’s known for his stoic poker face. He’s a stickler for cleanliness, but he also has a talent for figuring out women’s feelings. Kae In is very trusting even though she has a habit of being betrayed. However that doesn’t stop her from giving people the benefit of doubt and Jin Ho is no different.

How will Kae In react when she finds out that her gay roommate is not actually gay at all and even worst that he has fallen for her. Park Kae In was dumped by her boyfriend for her own bestfriend, so after she was all made up, her exboyfriend wants her back. She took it for revenge but she had promised Jin Ho that she'll stop once he mentioned 'Game Over'. She never realized that the feelings that she had for Jin Ho was actually love towards a real man just because for all the time, she thought it was impossible to be with him.

My favorite scene is from episode 10 where Jeon Jin Ho walked towards Kae In who was talking to her exboyfriend, he grabbed her hands and said Game Over, then kissed her infront of that bitchy so-called bestfriend and stupid exboyfriend. That was so cliche but super satisfying! Love it!

Anyway, talking about Korean Actors, here’s my first attempt dancing to Korean Song, Nobody But You with Yian, Tasha, Lexie, Victor and Liaze.

The movements are not clean yet because we only focused with our formation last night, I still can’t memorize them but last night was fun. Although I felt naked when one of the dancer’s boyfriend suddenly walked in the studio, I managed to fake my smile and forget everyone that are not on the dance floor.

Hooked

2010-07-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

I think I misinterpreted the meaning of the words again, just like how I misinterpreted ‘cheating’ which I didn’t mean anything, or anywhere near what people might presume when I mentioned: ‘Hooked-up with a guy that night’. And again, that was my sister who corrected me with that.

Anyhow, I begged everyone for not reminding me about that night, but it seems like everyone was looking forward to turn me into fool the next day. No wonder nobody grabbed my hand on that night, they were looking forward to make me as a laughing stuff. I lost count on how many times I have blushed yesterday, never mind today.

I seriously can’t remember anything, not even after I found a big bruise on my leg the day after and few bruises on my arm yesterday. It was that bad as when I re-tell a story to my sister from my friends side, I still got fooled for the second time. I actually believed my friends when they told me I kissed an old man, and even after I knew about the truth, my sister managed to fool me for the second time.

Was I really that stupid?

Random.

2010-07-25T04:11:00.000-07:00

I’m lazy to write but I feel like writing. It just that I can’t think of anything to talk about. What I know, I misbehaved on my birthday, seriously. I met a guy and we hooked up that night, I’m not really sure what was that about. I was too drunk to know what’s going on in my mind, but I do have the thinking that I want my ex to see me being with another guy on that night, I just don’t want him to think that I still like him. Shit, I hate myself for that.

I don’t know that guy and I don’t want to know him. He wanted to date me once I’m back in KL but I’m not going. He’s cute, I’ve set my eyes on him the moment I got in the club, and I love how he talk to one of my friend and asking for introduction. That was old-fashioned but very adorable. It just that I already have my focus set on somebody, although my feelings for him is not really there anymore but I’m sure it’ll spark once I meet him again.

So, for now, it’s a new chapter of life and a chapter of becoming a beauty-conscious. I’ll start shopping once I’m back in KL, and I promise myself to look presentable at all time and will forever keep powder and mascara in my bag as well.

I also will promise to quit smoking for the sake of the fact that it is written in the bible of beauty. Amen.