♪ in the not-too-distantfuture ♪ ♪ next sunday, a.d. ♪ ♪ there was a guynamed joel ♪ ♪ not too differentfrom you or me ♪ ♪ he workedat gizmonic institute ♪ ♪ just another facein a red jumpsuit ♪ ♪ he did a good jobcleaning up the place ♪ ♪ but his bossesdidn't like him ♪ ♪ so they shot himinto space ♪
♪♪ ♪ we'll send himcheesy movies ♪ ♪ the worst we can findla la la ♪ ♪ he'll have to sitand watch them all ♪ ♪ and the'll monitor his mindla la la ♪ ♪ now keep in mindjoel can't control ♪ ♪ where the movies begin or endla la la ♪ ♪ because he usedthose special parts ♪ ♪ to make his robot friends ♪
robot roll call:cambot, gypsy...- hi, girls. - ... tom servo...- what a cool guy. - ... crow!- what a wisecracker. ♪ if you're wondering howhe eats and breathes ♪ ♪ and other science factsla la la ♪ ♪ then repeat to yourselfit's just a show ♪ ♪ i should reallyjust relax ♪ ♪ for mystery science theater ♪
♪ 3000 ♪♪ hey, everybody,my name is joel. welcome to the satelliteof love. oh, movie time!ah, movie time! [bots laughing] - he did it, he actually did it!- hey, good one there, cambot. boy, we really faced him. i didn't thinkhe was that gullible. yeah, what a maroon.commercial sign in five,
four, three, two--commercial sign now. ah, hit the buzzer. i can't, my arms are inoperable.you do it. my good onesare in the shop. uh, it was, uh,all in fun, joel. we were just giving youthe razz. i'm just glad i programmed youtwo knuckle-knobs to give me some occasionalgood-natured ribbing. whew.
it looks like it's timefor the invention exchange. mommy! mommy!don't look at me! don't ever look at me! and don't drool this time. well, hello, booby.this week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into thefield of self-surgery, much in keeping with the themeof today's film. all you need is a willingsubject, a can of nitrous oxide,
and an oversized versionof the game operation. operation, the goofy gamefor dopey doctors. remove wrenched ankle. nooo... why?why? thank you. and it's all in the nameof science, you know? but if you touch the sides--[buzzer] nooo...thank you.
well, you get the idea,don't you? don't you? and you used to workwith these guys? yeah, that's what i'm talkingabout, you guys. again, me and the scientistsare in direct dichotomy. they took milton bradleyand turned him into dr. phibes, while i took this day-glo x-rayfluoroscope, chopped it, channeled it, added some thrushpipes and came up with a game that teaches you about your bodyas you play.
hey, kinda like twister. yeah.everybody knows that food in your throat is called bolus. i call this game pin-bolus.get it? okay, as you can see, my innardsare all lit up. i take this ordinaryday-glo barium meatballand eat it. wow.[pinball bells dinging] okay, then as you can see,
i can movemy kidneys here, and it's kind of likeplaying pinball. this gives a whole new meaningto play with your food, doesn't it, joel? hey, if you score enough points, do you get an extraball movement? oh, good one, crow. ah. does hopping around make youtilt or something?
no,but it will make you throw up. and there's the pin-bolus. anyway, what do you think,sirs? oh, i'm feelingmuch better now. uh, say, could you get mea glass of juice with one of those little bendystraws on it? - i love...- can it, frank. [frank groaning in pain] well, joel, today's film isa plotless little peccadillo
called "ring of terror". it's about some of the oldestmedical students in history. chomp on it, but don't choke. oh, we got movie sign! [industrial clanks and bangs] oh, what's that, tom? it says centerville. a real great placeto raise your kids up. neat.
what do you suppose the arrowsare leading to? [all]aah! oh.playstar productions? i gotta look this one up.just a second. let's see, um...oh, here's the book. "'ring of terror,' 1962.bomb. "director, clark paylow,starring george mather, "esther furst, austin green,joseph conway. "medical student must confronta corpse as a fraternity
initiation prank in thislow-budget loser." - huh.- well, can we go then? i think this is the beginningof a long, hard ride here. no, wait, supposedto go that way. what gives? hmm.hey. hi, everybody.oh. i see.yeah, it's one of those. ♪ look for the union labelwhen you are dying and-- ♪
hey, lyndon larouche'sbrother! they just bought drugsfrom the queen of england. suits by botany 500,body by fisher. he looks like count chocula. shouldn't they havetheir high beams on? it must be cold.no, no, sorry. okay, everybody on setfor the big cossack number. oh, the caterers are here. they must be, uh, servingtombstone pizza.
oh, look, she's mad'cause she lost her job on "petticoat junction." aw, get that cameraout of my face. ah, "the funeral,"by henry gibson. oh, bocchicchio.that's my favorite italian wine. ♪ pay low, pay low ♪ ♪ directors comeand they want to go home ♪ yeah, i'm the last guy in line.i like being there. go ahead and lay a--never mind.
hey a, graveyard,what a coincidence. then they can bury the scriptfor this thing. from the graveyard of motionpictures comes "ring of terror." - funeral group?- funeral, guys. - hey, guys?- they're hiding. i told morris to bury mein a mausoleum. hey...funeral guys. wait a minute. hey, guys, that thing'sgetting really close.
it's an automatic gate.it'll open. - hey, no, i don't think so.- yeah. hey, that's not funny.hey, do you mind? we're getting too close,we're gonna crash, please! - oh.- whew. - thank you.- whew. hey, check it out. bob dobson, from the churchof the subgenius. - the almighty bob.- hmm.
- hi, i'm the life of the party.- i'm a lamp. let me invite you for a strolldown graveyard lane... oh, it's joe franklin. ...where beautyand love abide and and in death, we are bornto eternal life. mr. magoo,what happened to you? gloomy gus. ah, life. all monuments, from the simplestto the most elaborate,
stand erect on the closed booksof the lives of our beloved departed. huh? and each marker withholdsmany stories, some filled with happiness,some filled with sorrow. some filled witha creamy nougat center. uh, we'll just wait here then,huh? - mister?- do you mind? - hey.- here.
- hi.- what would they do if they had the chanceto relive their lives again? - uh, i'd get out of here.- i'd buy polaroid. - yeah.- what would you do? we'd hunt you down to the endsof the earth, buddy. oh, hi. - we're over here.- uh, over here. down here, guy.down here. - puma?- what?
uh, humor, you missed thatsection in the bookshelf. um, we'll just stay here then. - puma?- yuma? puma. - what's yuma?- tumor. tumor.he dropped a tumor. oh. he had a tumor,and he can't find it. - puma!- hmm.
- i think that's what--- let's try to "yuma" him. johnny yuma was a rebel. - raygun?- where are you? - hmm.- i don't get it. - puma!- oh, yo-yo. yo-yo ma.it's his favorite cellist. oh.in a graveyard? - well...- don't be afraid, puma. - i don't know.- don't be afraid.
- hey, hank ketcham'sburied there. oh, no. puma! plot's around here somewhere. yuma, i think.oh. oh, there you are, puma. ah, it's a little kitty. - nice kitty--- rrreeow! yes...nice puma.
- nice kitty.- were you frightened? rawr!rawr! yes, puma. now, let's you and i gofor a stroll, huh? through the kitchen. you'll make a nice burrito. [cat screeches]oh, that's nice. - i'm calling betty white.- i'm sorry, puma. - i didn't mean to step on you.- sure.
- yeah, right.- meow, run! puma?puma! - puma!- puma! isn't this a little redundant,buddy? puma? - oh, he's walking.- puma. puma!where are you? - don't tell him where i am.- don't be afraid. you're okay, little fella.
[cat meows]there, puma. - come to--- [imitating cat fighting] - i didn't mean to step on you.- i meant to kill you. lewis b. moffitt. - sat on a toffitt.- february 3, 1933. - november 17, 1955.... ...if man is still alive. "i feared not." [tom laughing]
i don't think so. i remember him.i remember. yeah?tell us about it. doodly doodly doodly doodly...hmm. buy hand lotion...magazine... light bulb.- hey, kooky. try to get alongwith the others. hey, i'm going to the cafeteria. to go get my foreheadlengthened!
- just waiting for you.- i'm ready. come on, lew,the girls will be there. - huh?- jeez, he looks old to be a college student. - to the cafeteria.- come on. not now.maybe later. say, when is your first lecturein dissection? it's any day now. they haven't told us yet.
professor rayburn isa terrific cut-up. i love that joke. physically, i'm fine,but technically-- i'm all messed up inside. i gotta keep hitting the books. betty might beat the cafeteria. i gotta keep hitting her too. aw, come on, let's leave.let's go, fellas. yeah, hope they don't havechili peppers.
i hate chili peppers.love hamburgers. let's see, where was i?oh yeah. "see dick, see dickmake a lateral incision..." quite frankly, i was neverso bored in all my life. did you touch it? first thing he did wasturn the car light on. - on?- that kooks me out! - then he opened the glovecompartment, took out some papers...
and rolled a big spleef. and read me seven chaptersfrom a book he's writing. what's the name of the book? "tropic of cancer." he called it"the beat evolution." "the beef evolution"?hmm? are you sure there were no callsfor me tonight? sorry, snow cone. who is she, janis ian?
she looks like a model forresusci-annie. gee, that's funny.when lewis says he'll call, he's always right on the dot. - yeah, purple microdot.- i wonder if anything's wrong. are you kidding? nothing will ever happento that one. why not, he's just likeany other human being. well, he's gota prehensile tail. that's not what i hear.
what do you hear, alice? well, jerry says he's got nervethat won't quit. my boyfriend seymour sayshe likes him. alice, you were sayingsomething. i sure wish you'd finish. this sounds like it was recordedin somebody's bathroom, doesn't it? well, you might not if youunderstood him. do you understand him?
i think i do.well, pretty well, anyway. i always get the feeling there'sa fight going on inside him. between male and female. but it's like there weretwo people inside of him, two separate personalitiestrying to gain control. glen and glenda. i know i'm notputting it right. but i know how i feelwhen i'm with him. i feel a song coming on.
♪ doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ it could be, if it weren'tfor one thing. - i look like resusci-annie.- nothing seems to shake him. he's not afraid of anything.it might hurt him someday. what do you think? [all]you're high. you could go crazy trying tofigure the answer to that one. i'm going to call him. oh!go!
well, it's going to startgetting pretty sticky in here in a few minutes. let it lay, you guys. - see you in the cafeteria.- bye. come on, let's goto the cafeteria. did she say cafeteria? wow!jeez, i gotta-- the cafeteria!ooh! [phone ringing]
could you get that, son?oh. i forgot, i'm a college student.sorry. hello?this is lewis moffitt. betty!i missed you at the cafeteria. - i was at the hairdresser's.- getting a punch job. - on account of our date?- what else? well, you're gonna bethe slickest chick at that ever-loving hop. 'cause i'm going to coat youwith bear grease.
...waiting for you to ask mewhat i'm doing. i just did. well, the gang have gone downto the cafeteria. - would you like to join them?- for some wilding? now that's what i call service. send mr. moffitt's car aroundto the door, james. oh, i love itwhen he calls me james. aw, she's the ginchiest. life does begin at 40.
let's see. ooh, that bursitis is reallyacting up today. i'm gonna have totake a sweater. my legs are old,my teeth are gray. oh, the brakes. gee, you must have jetson this heap. my launching pad is only threeblocks away, remember? yeah.hey, don't get me started. my missile's ready to fire.
the shuttle has clearedthe tower. - to the moon!- to the moon, alice. can't we spend a quiet evening,like, alone? you mean "alone" aloneor metaphorically alone? the fellas ought to all betogether in case he does. you know, the autopsy's beingconducted at city morgue, and john does don't growon slabs every day. we wouldn't be gone long. - if i know you.- okay.
we go for a short drive,moonlight, and then to the cafeteria. - meow!- rawr! [muffled voice]oh, i'm in the trunk... oh... the dump again? it's not a dump,it's a sanitary landfill. bob has a problem.[imitates high-hat] bob wasn't careful, you see.now he's paying the price. i just love these outdoorpiano bars.
aren't they lovely? ow.hey, how'd you like it if somebodypicked apples off of you? have you ever been whippedwith a magnolia frond, dear? naked. uh, excuse me.excuse me. you forgotto put your teeth in. i wish you were studying lawor architecture or engineering or anythingexcept medicine.
my mother wanted me to marrya street musician! ... 'cause your fatherwas a doctor doesn't mean you have to carryon with a life that was setby someone else. betty, we've been overall that before. i'm studying medicine notbecause dad was a doctor, but because-- i'm old.i've got a practice. i've been a respected doctorfor 20 years.
i'm not afraid of any of it. i'm not afraid of the blood orthe corpses or the operations. that's why i love you. things like that are importantfor a doctor, to do his duties well. i'm sorry, betty, if you're notinterested in all that. it's my fault, darling. i'll never bring upthe subject again. i'm that codependent.
[making sucking,slurping sounds] hi, i'm satan. this is what happens when you dothe hanky-panky before you're married. let's watch the fun.really. oh, captain spaulding. lucky for me, somebody seta bale of hay by the door. what a hoot.don't pollute. excuse me, gotta get in here.
pardon me.excuse me. just getting in here.excuse me. just be a moment.pulling in the tail section. yep, that's a lot better.oop, i hit something. mmm, mmm, oh, steve,put my truss back on. slip her the tongue,that's what i'd do. - huh?- uh oh. was that you? come on, old man,let's mix it up a bit.
- what do you say?- it's a rattler. hold still, betty. i'm your worst nightmare,old timer. come on, mix it up. what's he doing? aw, come on. oh, stupid old snake. i'm going to turn you intoa pair of boots. oh, yeah, thinkyou're a big man.
had to use a stick.come on, man to man. me and you.oh yeah. oh, thanks a lot. ow, owie! stupid old snake,you ruined everything. welcome to america, snakey.tell your friends. he did the mamba mambo. now, where were we? i believe i had my tonguedown your throat.
i'm all right, lewis. get me my nitro pills,will you? you're not afraid of anything.not anything. - except our intimacy.- hmm. boy, i hatethese 4:00 a.m.s. hey, campus cafeteria. snazzy namefor a hot club, huh? yeah. hey, guys,it's the dave brubeck quartet
appearing at the cafeteriatonight. looks more likethe davey brubeck. dave jr.and the kids. - big sound for--- that's when we frag him. - what do you say?- yeah. hi, i'm greasy.i can't stop turning my neck. see?look. i'm wormy.i have webbed armpits and an extra big toe.
hey, how's that guy playinga saxophone with his lap? hey, music cue, you guys. come on.let's go. play.mmm. boy, i love these toenailclippings. ugh. hey, six inches, everybody.come on. spread out. hi, grandpa.
well, here's your syrup, boys.chug-a-lug. - what about our pancakes?- now, these two have a problem. which one of the free sodasdid you like the best? - i like the next one!- i enjoyed them all! i'd like to try a raspberry. will you have another onewith me? i shouldn't. well, all right.hey, howard. gotta cut out, gang.pick me up.
trying to holda staring contest. make it raspberry, will ya?hey, make it two. two raspberry sodas for thelast of the big-time spenders. hey, cambot, could you runthat music from the movie? let's do that thingwe worked out. - i got the drawings here.- okay. is your college meeting your needs? do you find you plop downinto the library's cushy chairs and then just can'tget back up?
do you often refer to the headof the english department as "young man"? do you wish those frat partieswould ditch all that annoying fun and serve you anice hot cup of chamomile tea? then you should join usat the old school. yes, it's the old school, asseen on playstar productions' hit movie "ring of terror." now let's acquaint you with someof the features at this fineuniversity-- joel?
- why, thank you, thomas.- you're welcome. this campus sprawls beautifullybut safely over one-tenth of a square mile, nestled betweenthe irene ryan hip clinic and the will geer institutefor truss research. - mr. crow?- thank you, sir. you've just finished with oneof dr. rayburn's fine lectures on blue rinses, and you and your walkerare spoiling for fun.
hey, why not head down--slowly-- to the athletic facility,located just off war story park. the school team, the larks,look forward to another terrificseason. cheer them on from yourbarcalounger in the bleachers as you do the nod, or belt outthe school song, "it's a good dayfor a bm." these kids really know howto have a good time. it's not uncommon at allfor the more excited winners
to dump a whole coolerof geritol on their unwitting coach's head. but you know, it's not all funand games for these oldsters. the curriculum's tough,tough, tough. that's right. there's napping 111with the fearsome dr. prowler, a man so mean he once expelledan entire class just for snoring too loud. there's upper levelsoup slurping,
and advanced check payingand tip shorting. corn sanding and bunioncounseling right on campus. and when your grandkids cometo visit, you'll receive a fully researched dossieron each of them so you can tell them apart. but that's not all. last year, the lecture counselbrought in some amazing speakers. among them, estelle getty,lawrence welk,
laird brooks schmidt, artlinkletter and, inexplicably, garrett morris. so send foryour free catalog today. join us at the old school. our motto? [all] horselanum semper epidernum. which means let's get rid ofthose annoying liver spots. and remember, if you're over 50,you cannot be turned down. hey, what say we bust looseand get some nice hot bosco?
hey, here come the girls. girls.let him stand up. not me, though. hey, quit movingthose chairs around. odd fellow, that moffitt.he rarely mixes with anybody or anything.books, classes-- you're forgetting bettycrawford. betty crocker? what she sees in him,i'll never know.
she's beautiful,and smart, too. - and, boy, can she cook.- she's very devoted to him. doesn't play the field,like some girls i know. what a burn. is she coming to the hoptomorrow night? - yeah, with lewis.- he won't be there. not if the autopsy'stomorrow night. him and 15 other guys. all of you will be dancingwith tears in your eyes
'cause the boy in your armsis a girl. sounds good to me. you doctors always spoilour social life with your all-nightstudy routine. all part ofa doctor's training, getting used to the irregularhours of a doctor's life. and just getting usedto being irregular. oh, here they come now. well, gang...
gee, she looks like she'sjust seen a ghost. or a snake. hey, we just finishedmaking out... our wills. - hi, gang, what's new?- not us. don't tell me you took herto the morgue to look atall the dead bodies. i just had a rendezvouswith a rattlesnake. it crawled into the carwhile we were parked. but lewis killed it.
- gee, no wonder she's pale.- i'd have fainted. [tom, joel]uh, line? lew, i saw professor rayburnon the way down. he said the coroner might havea stiff ready for us. say, we took care of thatalready. - that's great.- yeah. soon as the city coronerconfirms it. he'll let us knowthe exact time. the guy's not dead yet,he's just really old.
he's getting better! - let's eat.- mm-hmm. oh, hey.oh, boy, does that look great. these are baked yams. a miss karen finleysent them over. the check? hey, is this the price, or isthat your telephone number? you can do betterthan that tiny. i heard that oneabout five years ago.
- when i was chinese.- ah. - come on, let's eat.- hey, where's my diet cola? - mm-hmm.- this is great. - yeah.- saccharine tablets. help to keep the weight down.i gotta make that fraternity. we've secretly switchedtiny's coffee with chicken-friedpork loin gravy. let's watch and seewhat happens. what a bunch of fat pigs.
at least it's still acceptableto laugh at 'em. - hey.- hey, you know what? i heard that music is a realfine form of exercise. - let's eat some.- especially dancing to it, too. - you wanna?- sure! - [joel slurping]- finish it off, joel. looks like a precursorto the monster truck rallies. yee-hoo.oh, that's rich. ♪ rattle, rattle, thunder,clatter, boom, boom, boom ♪
oh, no, that's mean. - ooh, what's going on here?- praying mantis. even i've got to laugh. an interpretive dance showinghow plate tectonics works. chortle.chortle. - yee-hoo.- they really are cool cats. - yeah, they are.- even the truck driver and his chicksgot a laugh. okay, now, who's makinga trumpet noise?
i don't see no trumpet. they're laughing throughtheir instruments. i guess so. - ugh.- look out. fun. yep, yep, yep. at least they're havinga good time, you know? that's a goodstroke candidate. - you were enjoyed.- mm-hmm. meanwhile, at the dame edithevans college for grownups...
the frosh look likethey're going to provide a lot of kicks theseyear, howard. "these" year?he said "these" year. well, the radiology class hassome new routines worked out for the budding medics. we're thinking oftaking advantage of the freshmen's osteoporosis. ... some stunts tried outat yale and cornell, not to mentionjolly old oxford.
- oh, man.- geek. they even have one fromthe university of naples, which dates way, way back. bella napoli.so whaddya got, paisan? - shut up.- it's pretty gruesome. isn't that don deforefrom tv's "hazel"? hey, what gives? - don defore. besides, we can'tgive the pledges out
their routines until afteri see how they make out in their first autopsy. - you mean aw-topsy.- that will be tonight. - jason, jason--- kill that guy. - kill him.- kill him. hey, come on, you guys. there's a fireat the mort-sci building. get the marshmallows. - professor rayburn.- hello, moffitt.
- how's the toffitt?- may i ask a favor of you? why, certainly.what is it? is it okay if i kiss upto you? ...student to assist youat your autopsies. yes, but that shouldn'tconcern you. i usually pick seniors. well, there never was anyonethat's older than me. i was wonderingif i might help you. that's odd.
most of the fellas tryto dodge it. why, you couldn't be a dayover 40. they give me all kindsof lame duck excuses, from heart conditionto athlete's foot. alzheimer's to broken hips. - may i, sir?- all right. is he supposed to bea freshman? i'll tell you what you do.you go by the morgue just before class and, uh,slip into a surgical gown.
and that's all. then take a cold showerand hop up on the slab. thank you very much.i appreciate it, sir. yeah, right, whatever. what a jerk. [laughs]oh, to be 40 again. idiot. hey, check it out, you guys. here comes the schoolactivity bus.
the prom queen probablyhad a stroke or something. the school song is called"code blue." that's randolph mantoothbehind the wheel there. hope he's giving the moviethe heimlich here. you've got to get thatin every movie, don't you? - i'm sorry.- emergency 9-1-1. mm-hmm. hey, look, everything's madeby the japanese. - man.- godzira! hurry!
we got godzira in the back of the truck. ana-tom-me.that must be where they do the au-top-sees. they make toys there. let's see, the hip bone isconnected to the, um, huh-- - yeeees?- hey. i'm calling from the other line.mm-hmm. - oh, yes, carl.- uh, yeah, my name's carl. - you have one ready?- oh, yeah, i have one ready.
- definitely.- no, no, no. - it's not too late.- oh, it's not too late? good.i was wondering-- - i want to have it tonight.- good. - it's not gonna be too late?- tomorrow is saturday. - tomorrow is saturday. so you would probablyneed it soon. - oh, that'll be fine.- mm-hmm. i'll get it to you right away.right away.
i'll notify the classimmediately. good.would you tell the class? - thank you.- that'd be great. anyway, uh--what? anyway, i wasn'tdone talking. i really would like to finish upmy conversation. let's see here. 1-9-7-6-corpse.hello. [phone rings]
right in the middleof "bonanza." better get that.could be the phone. hello? this is professor rayburnspeaking. gene rayburn! when stanley grabs his tools,he blanks. will you notify the boysto be at the city morgue, 315 broadway,at 8:45 tonight. wear loose-fitting clothes andhave a two-minute song prepared.
the city morgue.315 broadway. now, i know that's a lot ofnumbers for you to remember. - right.- hey. - this is it, fellas.- we're going to broadway! - whoo!- hooray! - broadway!- and, jim, you go to the north dormitory and spreadthe word around. tom, you go long.you, put on that band uniform. you, grab those things.
and you, and you--you know what to do. hey, morrison hall.break on through, dudes, whoo. there's a door of perceptionover there. howard, can we useyour station wagon? it's one of the biggestin the world. and, jerry, you can take six,can't you? - i always do.- good. we'll see you there.and remember, 315 broadway. come on, let's go.
♪ oh, we're gonna go seea dead guy ♪ ♪ we're gonna go seethe dead guy ♪ and so all 55 studentscrammed like clowns, their aging, brittlebones carefully placed in the station wagon,with not one head rising above the seat. and they kept their blinker onthe whole way. girl rhubarb.girl rhubarb. all right, look sharp,team gang.
i want everyone to be on theirbest behavior. and so the students from clowncollege arrive, pile out of the car,and enter the mortuary. - go on upstairs, upstairs!- hurry. it's like the dead guycan't wait. city morgue, we deliver. gentlemen, this is your firstgastro vascular dissection. or at least the first onesanctioned by us. this is a sample of your futuremedical career.
uh-huh, yeah, go on.sure. some of us may succeed,and some of us may falter. but words will never hurt us. - however strong we may feel--- our bones are very brittle. ... some of us cannot overcomecertain inner emotions. like love. and when we view an autopsyof this kind, let me say to you to feel freeto leave the class. - to do the technicolor yawn.- to blow chow.
to talk to a chinamanon the white porcelain phone. to summon the earl. to accustom ourselvesto the callousness of... of the script. mr. moffitt.... show the boys your toffitt. will you roll inmr. john doe, please? oh, with pleasure, sir.i'd be happy to do it. - kiss-up.- i'm queasy.
- i'm nauseous.- i'm sickened. - i'm hungry, too. [imitating heartbeat] oh, i forgot, he's dead. - okay okay, let's go.- let's go. it all looks so good.hmm. ooh. mr. john doe left this worldwith one possession. - dibs. dibs.- a gold ring.
hey, check out that guy.he's got a really cute wrist. not as cute as hisdown there. i know they're lookingat my wrist. - we shall the begin...- the beguine. ... with a pectoral incision. oh, i'm so ashamed. i've been living a lie. tor wantsa potato sandwich too. teacher's pet.
now, earlier today, i bakedthe corpse at 425 degrees. then we followwith an abdominal incision. and a light lemonchiffon sauce. with shallots. eww. we have now exposedthe gastro vascular cavity. which should be stuffedwith a sage dressing. we have cut throughthe epidermis and you see this yellow mass--that's the fatty tissue.
which should be whippedinto stiff peaks. oh, the fatty, oh-- we then proceed to the rightand locate the duodenum. oh, the duo-- oh-- now, gentlemen, pleasepay close attention. the show is down here,gentlemen. i'm about to show you...uh, say, doctor guy? uh, could we have someof those tools up here? we got another one up here.
now this is most importantto the human body. my boss, he alwaysgoes on like this. now on with the show. uh, microphone, please?microphone? audio. you come in herewith a corpse filled with mush, and you leavevomiting profusely. remind me to never eatthose spaghettios. one day that'll be me.
i just said remind me to not eatany more spaghettios. now what do you need? i'm talking you.i don't need-- how's it going so far?i gotta eat soon. i got a grateful deadconcert to go . hey, wait a minute. you do the hokey pokey,turn yourself around. that's really whatit's all about. now that we've, uh,made the pectric incision,
i want you to noticeall the fleshy tissue... around my waist. this man must have led a veryfull and active life. 'cause there's a squirrelin his stomach. ... or brick layer. but his muscle structureup in his chest-- ugh, cancel that tripto the white castle. look, i said i'll never eatspaghettios. now, another indication--
another indication,gentlemen... another indicationof an indication. when you lookat the duodenum... another indication. you find, oh, all kindsof little things. little things likelittle cars and trucks, little plastic army men,wads of fur. uh...check, please. it's a kind of a dark,uh, bloody mass.
oh, this is my stop. well, it's not very pleasantto look at, i must admit. but with riceand the correct seasoning, you've gota wonderful meal. they don't have nice wrists. as we look in theupper chest cavity.. confuscius say bluuugh! i'm into this.it's just the way i am. the aorta...
the aorta makesan excellent sock puppet, and will from here on berepresented by the timpani. let's see, 11:00on the big fm. time for another fade. we now find mr. heart. this is justa serving suggestion. ... has rendered, posthumously, a great serviceto medical science. what a showman,ladies and gentlemen.
he gave his all. he be transferredto the general mausoleum of the raven hillcemetery... where we'll meet forbars and punch. ... where he will be storedfor about a week in the receiving vault. these are the battered facesof men in their 40s. he will probably be buried therein potter's field. you've been a wonderfulaudience.
enjoy the buffet. you may escortmr. john doe to his drawer. the junk drawer? but first, the "saw the ladyin half" gag. [tom humming upbeat tune] - ah!- that's horrible. - look at those nails.- you were enjoyed, friend. meanwhile,at the amityville house... oh... oh...not the clown suit, dad, no.
i'll take out the trash. uncle bob, get off me. oh... oh... no.curly. - moe...- what's this? - "the psychology of fear", huh?- hmm. got me.whew. what is it?what's the matter? you were talking in your sleep.
what's wrong,you having a nightmare? did i say anything abouta clown suit and my uncle? what are you doingwith my book? "the psychology of fear."what are you scared of? give me that! now go tell your motherto come to bed. does that mean i gotta go? all right, get in. what's the matter with you?
i was just thinking. do you have to do itstaring at me? it helps. - every time you havea nightmare, you always saythe same words. - "don't turn off the light."- what are you doing now? - taking notes?- what does it mean anyway? - ask a psychiatrist.- don't get touchy. well, how you think it feelsto wake up and find some guy
starting at you? makes my heart pound. i don't meanto bug you about it. it's the same nightmarei've been having ever since i was a kid. it's got some meaning, i guess,but i don't know what it is. i just like it. maybe i've been aroundtoo many dead bodies. look, if it annoys you,i can move to another room.
oh, no, i didn't mean that. i just, well, you know,i just wondered. looks like tony dow, doesn't he? - don't you have nightmares?- after that autopsy, i'll probably have plentyof them. look, it's 10 minutesafter 4:00. and i'm not even wearinga watch. well, goodnight,sergeant carter. hey, look, he's turning thelights off with his mind!
wow. it's the old school, whereold values are nurtured. i don't know about you,but that irene ryan is fine. so we're waiting for the cdsto turn over, you know? then we're gonna cash 'em. hey, how's the hip, bud? you got that cataract operationcoming up, don't you? - yep.- hey, speak up, come on. - that's better.- well, not exactly.
you know, i can't sayi blame them, though. we did leave them strandedat the dance. - alice won't even look at me.- can you blame her, pug-boy? oof. i don't know how they have thenerve to want to speak to us even after last night. oh, i do. i'm tired of playing secondfiddle to a skeleton. yeah, they'd rather be withthose dead bodies over there
than with these live onesright here. - tell 'em, brunnhilde.- excuse me. uh-oh,the monkey boy's coming. excuse me.- ditch him. betty.betty, wait. oh... she knows i can't makethose stairs. i'll use the ramp. i was hoping they'd get over itbefore we do it again
to them friday night. that's right.the barbecue. they're gonna eat the body? when are we gonna get ourinitiation assignments? the orders will be handed to usin sealed envelopes at 11:00 p.m.,after the barbecue. zowie. - that oughta be a ball.- for whom? i hear somepretty gruesome stories.
after that autopsy,what could be so tough? watching the fat peopleeat again? hey, you were the only guythat didn't seem to mind it. mr. moffitt, you may escortmr. john doe in. hey, i know what your initiationassignment should be. say, if you're thinkingwhat i'm thinking-- - that makes me psychic!- don't say it. we'll suggest itto the senior committee. - well, i'm game.- 'nuff said.
just so long asi make the fraternity. - let's go, buddy. hey, we're going tobe late for class. yeah, we're gonnabe late, too. we better get to class, too. kill that guy. boy, if they only knewwhat they're in for. - comes the dawn.- brother. all right,gentlemen and miss,
this is your first exposureto the world of robotic anatomy. beneath this sheet is a onewe will call mr. hoover, who, through no faultof his own, is dead. he left this worldwith one possession-- an upholstery attachment. all right now, keep in mind,today's lesson will lay the groundworkfor your future careers in medicine,or should i say mechanics?
some of you willsucceed gloriously while others willfail miserably. now remember,today's lesson is on anatomy. there will be times when youwish to leave the room. - okay.- okay. - but don't.- sorry. all right now, by examiningmr. hoover, we can say he led a very richand rewarding existence. he inhaled deeply from thefibers of the carpet of life
and left the worlda little cleaner. now, i carry on a bitmaybe, but you let me go,and you can see that... [dialogue fades out] ... like this, and goeslike this, and leads us up to the abdominalbag incision, okay? [robots groaning] leading us intothe epildermal layer. using the zipper so as not todamage the soft inner bladder.
oh, richard basehart,oh... all right. finally, dissected... [dialogue fades,joel speaking gibberish] with a flip of the switch,you're in business. the pelvis... oopsie. ... from which we drinklustfully from. next we must probemr. hoover's vascular
gastro cavity-- - oh, it stinks. as we can see,he probably cleaned a very dirty,dirty carpet. as we can see, we havesome pieces of hair. [gypsy groaning] um, some plastic things. a few pennies here.some trix cereal. some audio tape.
and something, looks likea piece of wax with some dog food attached. [gypsy groans] oh, look out! - oh, yuck.- gypsy's chunking! right now, gentlemen,please pay attention. this is for your benefit. now we probe deeper intothe vascular gastral cavity, finding movie signusmajoris, which we must expel,
meaning movie sign. there, all done. that was pretty disgusting,joel. - hello, bob.- oh, hi. - i'm a bush. say, you handled yourselflike an old pro at the dissectionlast night. well, i practice a lotwhen i'm alone. how much nerve does it taketo push a cart around?
one with a dead body on it? [all]brother. hey, what's the story on youanyway, moffitt? i'm a serial killer. i mean, what are you tryingto prove? energy equals matter. what makes you thinki'm trying to prove anything? you're playing it boldand fearless these days. and tan and beautiful.
why-- to impressthe fraternity committee? hey, lew. i been lookingall over for you. you found me. - you know wayne arnold?- yeah. - he was killed last night.- you're kidding. - that's great!- yeah, congratulations. slammed right into a truck. they said he was going over 100miles an hour when it happened.
- on his lark?- i'm going over to the funeralparlor tonight, and i wondered if you wantedto come along. gee, i'd like to, but i betterhit the books. - yeah, i'm all torn up inside.- you scared, moffitt? you know, as a matter of fact,i can make it. he's a tower of jell-o. i better cut out.i'll see you then. - so long.- so long.
what a nut.we'll be right bac-- hey! grover's corners,after dark. oh, meyer's funeral home. - we cater.- yecch. oh, i shouldn't have eatenso much spaghetti. i'm dickens.he's fenster. we're cops. - hmm.- he's in mourning. he's wearing his underwearat half-mast.
definitely half-mast. i really like thatlarry storch ensemble. do you really thinkwe should have gone through walter'scloset? - anybody home?- wayne? - dead guy?- dead body? - wayne?- hello? - echo.- echo. - abra cadaver.- oh!
got him, joel. hmm. fantasuite. - hey.- ah, the buffet. that spinach dip looks great. - no, that's his head.d'oh! i can't believe he's wearinghis brat house t-shirt. i'm gonna go throw up. i love open caskets when they'vegone through the windshield.
[imitating whooshing wind] - ooh, ooh!- mommy! - mommy!- the clown suit? - uncle bob?- don't panic, lew. i'll light the candle. i'll curse the darkness. - wow.- what's wrong? i gotta get out of here. come on.- what happened?
- it got dark.- yeah, the candle-- i'm here, bob. do you rememberthat nightmare i had? about the clown suit? i said i didn't knowwhat it meant. - yeah.- well, i didn't, but i do now. - mm-hmm.- when i was eight years old, - my grandfather died.- mm-hmm. the coffin wasin the living room.
let it out, buddy.let it out. the night before the funeral,i begged my mother to leave the light onin my room. - that's it, let go.- she wouldn't do it. - so i killed her.- and i cried. and she told meif i didn't stop, my grandfather would get upand give me a licking. and then she kept putting upposters of bruno hauptmann. i laid there all nightin the dark,
listening to all the sounds, scared to death that body'dget up and come into my room. and this was last year. well, now that you knowwhat the reason is, it won't bother youanymore. - i sure hope so.- me too. it's like you're not funto be with. - look, do me a favor, will you?- sure. don't tell anybodywhat happened.
don't worry,i won't tell anybody. you know how it is. you just don't want peopleto think you're chicken. nobody thinks that anyway.[all cluck like chickens] i sure hope not.i don't want them to start. come on,let's get out of here. let's go get a pizza. meanwhile, at the coliseum,the vomitoriums are cleaned and readiedfor the day's activities.
look, it's sammy davis, jr. we have 18assignments ready, each in a separate sealedenvelope. in a mayonnaise jar under funkand wagnalls' front porch. ...tom neely,and lewis moffitt. say, i just gota great idea-- take this down. okay. why not have jerry as bacchus,king of wine? how old is that guy?
now, tomorrow we forbidto touch any liquids all day long, not a drop. uh-huh, yeah. then at the barbecue,we let him have all the liquid he wants. give him the worksat silver lake fountain? - great.- shut up. - cool.- tom neely. oh, yeah.the homely boy.
the chemistry guy. i got another great idea.got it? we all know how...- he's so cool. sooner or later,every boy and girl disappears into the shrubs. - why not have neely, now...- uh-huh, okay. have neely dressed as cupid--flashlight, bow and arrow,the whole works. wait a minute.cupid didn't have a flashlight.
maybe he was a movie usher.coal miner. [mock laughter] - huh?- okay now. - lewis moffitt.- lewis moffitt. hey, clark,where have you been? all the assignmentsare made except one. except lewis moffitt's. we've got a great idea.and it fits him to a "t." terrific.go on, tell him.
listen to this, fellas,it's good. that's great. well, at the autopsy,moffitt acted as if he'd playing aroundwith corpses all his life. we're the young ones. the entire proceduredidn't bother him a bit. galvanized stomach, huh? - shut up!- thank you. professor raymond saidthat john doe's body
would be transferredto the raven hill general mausoleumafter the autopsy. now, tomorrow night,after the barbecue-- that's when we really swing intohigh and-- hey, wait a minute! back at the institute. oh, sansabelt jeans. hey, hey, buddy,i'm in the bushes. help me. psst, psst.
- betty.- if you'll excuse me. - no excuse for you.- no, i won't excuse you. i'm going to talk to youand you're going to listen. i'm turning off my hearing aid.blah blah blah. i'm not listening,i'm not listening. was that your hip, honey? will you please get out? not untilyou listen to me. okay, but make it short,will you?
first of all,why are you sore? [exaggeratedthroat clearing] you don't know? well, i imagineit's about leaving you at the dance, isn't it? you know perfectly well-- that retirement dancemeant a lot to me. you knowwe had to make that lecture or flunk out automatically,we had no say in it.
- i know that.- then why are you mad? i guess you reallydon't know. well, i'd certainlylike to find out if you don't mindtelling me. hey, you can tell us too. it isn'tjust the dance, lewis. it's the wayyou've been acting. woodenly. you've been acting likesome sort of superman.
oh, thanksfor noticing, lois. at leastthat's what they say. they? they say you've been showinghow fearless you are by wheeling dead bodiesinto classrooms. - and eating them. they say you've been actinglike an oddball. they say you won't evenlet them like you. they again.
- they.- yep, it's they. you know what i think about theyevery time i hear that word? i think of some big,gray, shapeless monster - with a million facesand a million voices.- like "them" or "it." - or the the.- and when you look close,nothing at all. if you listen to they, betty,you'll be running around in circles all your life. [clapping] it's you that i care about,not they.
what they say,what they think... how do you feel? - i feel like they.- i don't know. how would you feel if you heardstrange things about me? i have. i wouldn't stop talking to youuntil i found out whether it was true or not. is it true? i would let theymake any decisions for me.
hey, it's they. there they are. oh, did you have funat the bedsore dance? and now, emma, wearingthe model 3000 plastic hip with its slim tubularconstruction. and here's opal, votedmost like barbara bel geddes. miss cataracts. [applause, whistling] it's divinein the early days.
hey, it's the warren commission. miss hot flash,gliding through that changeof life gracefully. - popcorn, professor rayburn?- yes, it is, actually. - no, no.- which way to the voms? don't bury me,i'm not dead yet. this is my project,now let's go get some chow. this is whati'm waiting for. oh!
let's get some, 'cause there'sgonna be none left. - oh, i got one!- it's yvonne de carlo. look, you made your pointabout him being fat. just stop it. - very humiliating.- come on, folks, give him air. come on, show's over,let's go. i knew our prehensile tailswould come in handy. [imitates monkey] - bacchus, the king of wine.- bud, the king of beer.
oh, no, you havetwo more minutes to go, then you can haveall you want. what is this,an est meeting? i'm so thirsty, it seems likei've been without water for a month instead ofhalf a day. [whispering]kill him, kill him. - all right, all right.- kill! kill him. - kill him.- hey, fellas, his highness cravesto sup of yon nectar.
- kill him!- are we ready? [all]yeah! a tall, refreshing gobletof coke nectar. - and a bucket of battery acid.- ahh! [laughter] a big steamy bucket. [sighing] it's even funnierfrom the trees. funny, funny, funny.
oh, i deserve that.the look on your face. hey, look who's wearingcorrective pants. hey, it's george s. kaufman,guys. didst thou get thy fill? it's comingout of his seams. well, did youspot any lovers? - yeah.- any what? yeah, i'm afraid i did. - what is this?- it's a hazing.
- but i'm notgiving up so easy. what about the ring of terror?what about the plot, joel? am i the only onewho cares? - i remember, tom.- okay. i think the only plotwas back in the cemetery, tom. ah, you're right, crow. [elmer fudd voice]shh, be very quiet. i'm humiliating myself. i'm shaming my familyfor years to come.
[man]honey, you're all for me. look, i'm a guy,it's not that dark. this guy later went onto head an s&l. - stupid and lonely?- yeah. "saturday night live." uh, fantasy gram,bush division. candygram for mongo. oh, mama. - i've got another one...- oh, come on!
- that's it.- you made your pointabout the fatties, please. geez. yeah, it's really sad. do we have to watch this? [all]she's got a gun! - oh, it's a sandwich.- whew. could be loaded, though. all right, doll,let me ask you a question. what is it, tiny?
- is this foreplay?- did you bring the mustard? oh, i'm physically ill. this is like "9-1/2 weeks." it's worsethan the autopsy. this movie should be called"onion ring of terror." hey, nice packagethere, huh? what a cute little chick. peep, peep. [whistling]
there's a million bushesin this naked city and a millionnaked people behind them, in the naked city. [slurping sounds] [stameering]uh, you've got my partial. you taste just like they. okay, now, tilt my head backand clear my air passage. now blowin my mouth 15 times, and then push on my chest15 times.
that's it. okay, i should be breathingon my own now. oh, come on, tommy,i know you're there. so maybe they just pants himat the end, is that it? tommy, come on. tommy,can you hear me? oh, plenty to go around.now tongue me, tongue me! [cackles]you bad boy! my turn, come here,my little puck.
- my little man-woman.- oh, for fun. well, i almost made 36 inches.see? good, now aboutyour waistline. pretty good,tiny, considering. you mean, i'm in,i'm a brother? - well, not quite.- what do you mean? - uh, here's your assignment.- let's see. become jack weston?no problem! for the next seven days,you will...
forego all food whatever, with the exceptionof bread and water at three regularintervals a day? aw no, that's too much,i quit. here, you can havemy saccharine bottle and take backyour assignment. i don't wanna be anybody'sbrother that bad. oh, that's rich. i already got me a brother,and i got a sister too.
they're both inside me. i'm gonna go find ragdoll'cause she likes me just the way i am. now, wait a minute, tiny. - wait a minute.- what do you want? - you passed.- yeah? i wasjust kidding you. you passed your initiation,you're one of us. - yeah?- well, thank you, casey.
keep your feet on the ground,and keep reaching for the stars. oh, boy, waittill i tell ragdoll! it's almost 11:30. - my assignment.- should i decide to accept. - may i read it?- sorry, darling. against the rules. and we're too old to betaking any chances, love. let's see. uh, "dearsir, this is our third attempt to reach youby mail.
if you do not pay your billby thursday, april 25--" "you shall go toraven hill cemetery, enter the generalmausoleum ..." um, honey,you sound funny. all modulated and reverbed. should you or any of your i.m.force be caught or killed, the secretary will disavowany knowledge of your action. "&senior initiation committeeupon your return to the campus. the senior committee willlater make proper restitution
through the caretakerof raven hill." love, vincent price.- what's wrong, lewis? it's taken 53 minutesto get back to the plot. you're not scared are you?you are. i'm just a towerof jell-o, dear. for the first time in your life,you're really scared. don't be silly,there's nothing to it. i've got to go. - please be careful, darling.- really bad.
i'll see youwhen i get back. billy, don't be a hero. gee, i like the cutof his trousers. oh, i love that manlyman o' mine. well, off to findsomeone else. hey, it's the carsfrom six flags over texas. - those go really slow.- the good ol' days ride, right? [car starts] - it's a pedal car.- yeah.
no, hey, look,it's radio-controlled. huh. [chattering] back off, everybody. bob, have you seen lew around? yeah, he should be backany minute. - where'd he go?- on his assignment. hey, what about you,did you finish yours? yes, i asked everyone who liveson howard street for a penny.
and? - i got 23 cents.- 23 cents? you were gone four and a halfhours and all you gotis 23 cents? - d'oh.- must be the recession. [imitating trumpet wah]wah wah wah wah. say, what kind of assignmentdid lew get? oh, he'll tell you. if he's able to tell youwhen he gets back. you know, i heard you guys gavean assignment
that dates backto the 15th century. - about that time.- discover america? - the spanish inquisition?- break offfrom the catholic church? why all the curiosity? oh, i just wondered if lew'sassignment was as weird as mine. - weird?- weird? yeah, i guess that isthe word for it. - weird.- weird. weird. really weird.
can we get out of here?no, stay? mm-hmm, stay here. hey, that's wherefred mertz dropped dead. a bus stop, a wet day,she's there. i say,"please share my umbrella." bus stop, bus goes,she stays-- man, that thing looks likea bumper car. when cars ruled the world. page 22.
uh, your headlights, guy. boy, i'm dyingto get in there. [chuckles]get me! i'm scared and i'm stillmaking jokes! whoo! man, a mortuarylocked at night. what's the deal? hmm, look. many a quaint and curious volumeof forgotten lore. that's it, i'm steamed,that cuts it.
no fraternity is worth this. oh, i know, he's going to goaround to the drive-in window. bring it in. yup, right over there. oh, there's no wayhe could have walked that far. mm-mm. got a car that cool,you gotta use it. juliet?juliet? i cometh hither, juliet.
ow!owie! oh, it hurts. - ah!- whew! well, that really hurt. that'll be--okay now. - whoa.- the nurse is coming. - damn jerries almost got me.- kinch, lebeau. oh, i'm feelingthe sting on that one. not young a mananymore.
- only got a few of those in me.- i made it. i'm in switzerland! hey, look,it's the von trapp family. wow, everybody'sburied here. jim morrison,the unknown soldier, the dead. - wow.- rock and roll heaven. jimi hendrix. - his little bit of--- oh! oh, i hate those darnmaple leaves.
[muffled]get off my grave! stop it! [muffled]hey, are you tryingto wake the dead? ah, what's going on? - puma?- puma? - come here, puma.- oh, come on. we're riffing onthe same movie we're doing. - sorry, that's not--- i'm going to kill you all-- oh, you're already dead.
the whole gambinocrime family. stonehenge and i can't eventell what time it is. how do you like that? so they just come hereand die, neat! well, they dieand then they come here. oh, that's even better. - hmm.- let's see here. fiction... literature, non-fiction--ah, sports.
ah! ooh, that's it,i finally did it. i finally broke my damn,dirty hip! [muffled shout] - nice ray milland, joel.- thanks. you bet. wow, just one time,i'd like to bogey this hole. i mean, i really shankedthat last one, now i can't findthe ball.
ah, you're in the bunker,i think. yeah, i'm a playinga slazenger nine. - maz-oh-lo-eum?- mahzoleum. that's for making dead peoplefresh and light. the hills are live--oh, well, maybe they're not. no one will be admitted duringthe breathtaking walking scene from playstar productions'"ring of terror." [gulping]jimmy crack corn,and i don't care. jimmy crack corn,and i don't care.
the miss has gone away. [burps] maybe mr. lincolncan help us. let's ask him. - nice.- swell pad. cool. oh, really nice workmanshipon this gate. oh, this must be the place. it says, "comeand bury 'em."
please slip corpsesunder the door after 10:00. kind ofa louis sullivan design. hey, listen, guys. it's procol harumdoing a sound check. skip the light fandango. they got a buddy squirrel'snut shack, 1 potato 2, hot sam's, radioshack,this mall's got everything. wow, i wonder what it coststo heat this barn. verily, i shall sprintthrough the valley
of the shadow of death. - [imitation whip sound]- that worked. it actually says,"you stab 'em, we slab 'em." that's pretty funny. at least they've gota sense of humor. going to the chapel,gonna get buried. so the way i hear it,if i smoke one of these things then i'll be able to jointhese people, huh? wow, looks likethe e. c. escher room.
- m.c. escher.- m.c. escher. hey, get me,i'm edward r. murrow already. it's the power station. looks likea locker room. ah, looks like hal's brain. oh, no, i think it'sgeorge romero's automat. yep, look there,there's a hot hoagie of the living dead. buck and a quarter.
cato? where are you,my little yellow friend? - cato?- cato. cato. oh, good, the kitchen,boy, i'm hungry. [sniffing]you smell something? - oh.- ah, corpse scat. - yeah.- he's around here somewhere. - hmm.- nice hush puppies.
oh, reese's pieces. et must beon the premises. man, this has got to bethe biggest place in the world. let's see, bread, carrots,toilet paper, sh-- hey, wait a minute. hmm, aisle three. spices, flour, rice,corpses, rings of terror. - oh!- ah! merv griffin,what are you doing here?
- whoa.- whew. - who died in there?- clean-up in aisle three. let me tell you.let's see, salted, blanched. ah, honey-roasted,there we go. "a" to "m." aw, this--i hate the dewey decimal system. oh, yeah, likethat's a big surprise. all right? - s'okay.- s'all right.
keeps them fresh though. fisher. [gagging] oh, god, it reeks! [gasping]oh-- oh, my god, oh. oh, his finger came off. - oh, no, that's mine.- ew, gross. get that cat out of here. what is it, girl?
dad-- he's trapped--down in dead rock canyon? hey, you kids,get out of here! let's see, where was i? oh yeah, i was about to,uh... oh, yeah. oh, god, it's awful,oh, i got my finger-- ooh. - he's melting.- never let 'em see you sweat. [cat shrieking] - whoa!- oh, kitty! - oh, remember him?- oh, yeah!
uh-oh. uh, well, i guesshe won't try that again. cat got your tongue? i'm satan, i did it,and i'm proud. and they saidthose cat guards wouldn't work. [russian accent]please, don't haze. i'm dead now. don't haze. he's 22, yeah,i could bet that. did you enjoymy little tale?
good, kill him. - lewis b. moffitt.- mm-hmm. - "i feared not."- [together] not! huh, that's rich! yet, fear dwellswithin all of us, young and old alike. - but mostly old.- yeah. has terrifying fearever gripped-- it's the kraft tomb,that's probably where
ed herlihy's buried. uh-oh, geez, nowit's that heart thing. we've been downthis road before. could somebody pleaseopen the gates? - put the brake on.- i'll try to stop 'em. - no!- if you can't do it-- - help me, batman, help me!- we're gonna get crunched. - it's getting too tight!- help me. oh, please,i don't want to die!
- whew, thank goodness.- phew! dã‰j〠vu. looks like callback time, guys. oh, yeah,there he is, bob dobson. i'm a lamp,drive safely. - goodnight.- spooky. ooga-booga! ahh! - oh, oh!- let's get out of here.
- it's freaky, man.- that was stupid, man. okay, you guys,it's the end of another movie. all you gotta do is tell mea good thing and get the juicyram chip, all right? - uh.- go ahead, hold it, joel, this is unfair,this film's a dog. there isn't an upliftingor good thing about it. he's right, joel. now, for example, did you seehow degrading
they wereto overweight people? now, it's bad enoughthey showed the two fatties pounding maltsin some desperate shark feeding frenzyand eating ram chips, but then they kept cutting awayto the skinny kids laughing as the twotugboats tried to tango on the dance floor--ram chip, please. yeah, and while the other kidsmade out in the bushes, our hefty heroes were forcedto vacuum in a sandwich
with ram chips,and in the very next scene, they showed them divinginto a wheelbarrow full of hot dogsand ram chips. and it wasn'tjust people either-- ram chip-- the spooky guy fromthe beginning purposefully stepped on pumathe cat's tail. i'd like my ram chip now,please. yeah, and they weren't usingany stunt snake when they-- guy did the tap danceon the rattler's head.
uh, ram chip now? and what aboutthe car crash victim? onion ram chip. the only two people--only two people show up at his wake, and then the onlypoint of the scene was to show how our herowas really a fraidy cat. - ram chip now!- yeah. so they killed a characterjust to advance the plot. and-- aw, jeez, joel,what was the deal?
are all med studentsso mean and frustrated 'cause they haven'tgotten ram chips or just the ones that have beenin school for 40 years without ram chips? cherry ram chips. well, listen, you have tolighten up because-- hey, cut it out. because i can think ofan obviously good thing. even though people made funof the heavy people,
they still lovedeach other for who they were. now, i need something positivefor you to get a ram chip. there was tonsof food for them to eat, like chocolatelyram chips. yeah, and this movieprovided work for a bunch of senile old codgerswho eat ram chips. yeah, none of the girlshad to study late or watch dead bodiesgetting cut up or get a degree-- ram chip now, please.
all the freshmenwere publicly humiliated for everyone's enjoymentby not getting ram chips. you're still not giving methe positive things i need. - oh.- hmm. well, at least that guy didn'thave to marry resusci-annie. yeah, and thank goodnessthe fat people were so stupid they didn't even realizethey were the brunt of everybody'sram chip jokes. well, it's a good thingthat those mean parents
locked up our heronext to his dead granddad or there wouldn't bea movie. - or ram chips for anyone.- well, listen. - ram chips.- there's only one who getsthe ram chip and that's me. - and i give it to gypsy.- what? - ooh-hoo-hoo!- there you go, girl, all right. - now, why, why, why?- well, because i'll tell you. the only good thing aboutthe movie was that - it was really short.- hey.
- and we're done for the day.- yeah, we should get a letter. let's get one of those lettersand read it. hold it, don't touchthat letter. it just so happenswe've cooked up another cinematic ram chipfor you to digest. [chuckling] "the phantom creeps"part three. [all groaning] but first, a commercial.
gee, it looks like an eye chart,doesn't it? yeah, i don't thinki'm ready for this. hey, willis cooper. - that's alice's dad, man.- no, he was kill in vietnam. - no, he was eddie haskell.- oh. hey, what kind of a forddo you think we're gonna have,you guys? i think we'll havea ford beebe! - beebe! beebe!- ford beebe!
what kind of a sauldo we have? - the good kind.- a good kind of saul, hoo-hoo! [impersonating vampire]to be or not to be. blah, blah, blah.that's the question. blah la la la. would you get my agenton the phone? i want to direct. and madonna has a new look. come on, vogue,there's nothing to it.
strike a pose. stephen, did you think grandpaseemed funny this trip? punch it, hal,i want to die with you. dumpy and frumpy. [chuckling]good one, crow. and of course, the boysin the back room. vandergrift generator. - eddie ray acuff.- dora clementine. - hugh chet huntley.- anthony averill harriman.
- frank mayo brothers.- james gnarly farley. [whispering]rosebud... rosebud. - rosebud.- try to keep the credits down. well, forewardis forewarned. dr. zorka, not a real doctor,believed to be dead, attempts to preventthe authorities from discovering his scientific secrets,the helsinki formula, by using a device which makeshim invisible, a contract to appearon the comedy channel.
[laughing] - uh, guess i'm outta here.- yeah. [oboe flourish] now, dr. mallory will berepresented by the oboe. and when you hearthe scary oboe sound, stomp your feetand go, "boo." nancy's sister jeanwill look around. hey, what's this? - get that frog out of here.- hey.
huh, somebody left a mint. ah, welcometo the embassy suite. ah, let's see. i'll take that. it's a necco wafer. shakin' the bush, boss. a coin, a car...joyride time! - yeah, whoo!- [humming] eat my dust.
hey, looks likean ear of corn. why, i think i hearda floating ear of corn. - oof.- yup. ooh, that had to hurt. eh, you know, they're alwaysrepeating these things on "america's funniesthome videos", aren't they? - yeah.- okay. - goodbye!- so long! - auf wiedersehen.- call if you getworried about it.
don't push downthe kitchen sinks. bye, see you next fall. does that meanthe date's over? well, that must be the partthey didn't show us there. - ooh!- nice tag. i'm going totry that too. i'm going to join himin death. okay, you justgo really fast and-- - go for it!- oh!
oh, yeah, he's okay. always clowning around. come on, get in, dummy. ugh, i'm sorry, mom. i'll take outthe garbage next week. i'm sorry. there's something overin those bushes. - it's a frog.- keep down. invisible frog.
must bethe driver of that car. oh, good, bob,you killed a sequoia. i missed him,whoever it is. i bet he missed you too. get to your car. yeah, it's betterthan mine. that spider, shoot it! itsy bitsy... that's one of zorka'smechanical devices.
- say.- but it's poisonous. - what are you going to do?- try and catch it and take it to malloryfor analysis. oh, usethe smoking jacket. - ...newspaper girl to faint.- i know. - oh, i'm soft-boiled.- she's poached. [imitating vampire]i thought i'd neverget out of this field. excuse me. that's uncle joe,he's moving kinda slow.
here, stanley, take this. [humming three stooges theme] please, at least let meget the tie rod in. [imitates vampire]next week, i go to the ladies' locker roomat the ywca. they say i makea better door than a window. now i kill somethingfor no reason. don't worry, i will. i have a hunch one of thosegot to jim daly.
that's why he's doingshow tunes all the time. it's gone. make sure you geta dry cleaning receipt. where'd it go? i don't know. i wish i knewwhere it came from. your folks know? - that may be mallory now.- no, it's the coppertop. it is malloryand two of my men.
- two of my good strong men.- yes. - you all right, bob?- yeah, but my coat's wrecked. you cracked up. bailed out just in time. better check that carfor ownership if there'senough left of it. yeah, it's registeredunder the name beelzebub. miss drewwould like to go too. she'll take you backin her car, won't you?
there's a lot in this casethat has to be kept off the record for a while. yeah, but it'll fit on the cdon the extra bonus track. zorka's left something behindthat's even worse than dynamite. - this film?- someone evidentlygot hold of it. the wrong kind of publicitywill hurt us. all right, i'll be carefulwhen i phone the paper. that's swell,i knew i could count on you. check with meat mallory's tomorrow.
thanks, i will. what's the matterwith your coat? one of zorka's mechanicalspiders disappeared under it. i don't dare put it on. spider, how'd it getout here? i wish you'd tell me. i chased that car from zorka,and the driver got away-- - try not to talk so fast.- should i look aroundfor him, captain? - bunch of auctioneers.- no, it's too late.
he's probably milesaway from here by now. let's get back to zorka's. there's an extra mackinawin the car here. oh, great, i'm famished. hey, hey, where'd you learnhow to drive? your shocks are terrible. it's monk. it's oneof the jazz murders! this is a break.
the chief wants him. let's see if we canbring him to. listen, monk,with zorka dead, you're in a tough spot. now, why don't youjoin up with our crowd and tell us what's becomeof zorka's-- - join us.- join us! what makes you thinki know anything about it? why, i oughta pop you.
how'd you'd like a knucklesandwich, mr. frank mayo? quit stalling, you knowwhat we're talking about. i can't even guess. all right, we'll take him alongand work him over. great, i've been wantingto drop some pounds. liston is down!liston is down! cassius clayis the new world champion! get in the car, quick!it's the army gang. ghost car to the rescue!
yay! hey, look, nojackrabbit starts-- oh! all right, drive alongthis rear projection. take a leftat the cyclorama. ... taking that prisonerwith them. - who do you suppose they are?- well, we're gonna find out. that's not what i asked. whoa! - the getaway chase game!- getaway!
gotta get away,gotta get away. we don't know who it is,let's just shoot all the tires and let god sort it out. let god patch it. whoa, guy, you gotta knowhow to ease down. this is a big car, come on. i would have put on my belt,but they haven't been invented yet, boss. ghost car to the rescue.
oh, let's have a picnic,come on. ooh!come here, you. i love you,you're mine. [giggling]quit tickling. cut it out, cut it out. - quit clowning.- eat it, boy, eat it. - die, boy, die.- eat it, come on. - oh, don't drool on me!- swallow it! i'm gonna snag on you.i'm gonna snag on you.
[muffled speech]oh, my retainer,i've lost my retainer, ooh! now, who are you? what were you doingat zorka's house? come on, talk up! well, i, uh, uh--[gunshot] guess they didn't want himto spill the beans, huh? - how come they--- he's only stunned. joel, how come they killall these people, but the creditsdon't get any shorter?
have you noticed all these guyslook the same? how do you they knowwho they're shooting at? okay, you proved your point. - shall i go get 'em?- no, it's too late. - we got one of them anyway.- you mean they did. no, he's our guy. they fixed this oneso he won't talk. sure is good shootingfor this kind of light. yeah, i gotta admire him.
- you men all right?- sure thing. he got 'em. he's the kind of guy,i'd like to shake his hand. i'll get the equipmentout of the car. we got to find outall about this gang. who they are and whatthey're doing in this business. why do they always shoot eachother all the time? ... zorka intends on sellinghis formula to? that's what i'm afraid of.
that guy's right. he really doeshave a flat butt, boss. nice watch. so you were going tosell me out to rankin and a spy ring, were you? - no, boss, i love you!- no, i sweat i wasn't. i swear--oh, you're kidding. that's...[chuckling] of course.
you wouldn't dareto betray me. the police here want you, monk,they don't want me. - mung?- they think i'm dead. you are. now with the governmentand the spy ring both determined to steal my secret,it is necessary to share a very vital secret analogy. i like to wear mittens. the hiding place of the sourceof all my power.
- the source?- cool, let me at it. hey, is that where you makethose great baked beans? whistleberriesyou must never taste. in my absence... uh, boss, i'm fine,really. i checked myself at homein the shower. you don't have to,uh, um... - oof, that was close.- yeah. it's calleda rubik's cube.
don't screw it up. there is power enough to seizeor destroy the world. and only i-- i know how to releaseand control it. no brag, just fact. hey, shooters, all right. source of all your power,it's cuervo. whoo! uh, i'm gonnaneed a lime, boss. my gag reflexes is rightat the surface.
kept insulated. and it would be fatalto open it. - and you can keep it--- make it ahead of time. keep it in the freezer,makes bomb pops too. it's a nice bouquet,good legs. -it's a real smoky,single malt. slunge! finish it. bring her closer.
it reacts to her,definitely. or to somethingshe's carrying. squeeze her gently. oh, so it'sjust a hold-up. i'll give you five dollarsif you have a hard-boiled egg in your purse. dr. zorka's disc,where'd you get it? dr. zorka's house,under a withered plant. - his wife?- yes, i remember.
i meant to take it. - that's the thingit reacts to. and that's the cluefor our antidote. and that's the thing that we--hey, wait. you gettinga good draw off of that thing? [bong gurlging sound] well, he's ours. we're going tohave to brand him. you hold him, down, hoss.
little joe, keep this thing--make it hot. getting strongerwith every beat. bonjour. buongiorno. you were lucky last nightthat they only got one of you. it's unfortunate the g-menare in on this. well, they are in on it, chief. we gotta act quickif we expect to beat them to zorka's secret,wherever it is.
- you think monk's got it?- oh, sure. he wrote "'round midnight",didn't he? almost as though he wasunder a hypnotic spell. you know, i likethis hypnotic spell bit. perhaps he is. has it ever occurred to youthat zorka might be alive? no, what do you mean? i mean zorkamight be alive. dr. zorka's donesome remarkable things.
he's never seemed quite rightto me either. he should've diedin an ordinary accident. i always imagined himdoing something real splashy. bring him to me. perhaps the sight of moneywill loosen his tongue. i knowsome other ways too. like beating him over the headwith hedge shears. our leader is expecting usto get control of this great secret.
with it,we can conquer the world. then we start thinking big. mayberry. - my favorite town.- mm-hmm. there he goes. string on the door.i saw it. cheap. you passed out becauseyou had the disc that was plantedon ann zorka.
who'd want to destroy her? - oh, i would.- me too. yep. can i take this alongto zorka's laboratory? - it might lead to something.- certainly. i'll attempt an analysisof what is on that disk. it might lead directlyto zorka's secret. - oh, don't get up.- come along. lazy.
there he doesn't go. - oh, fun.- ...from the zorka discs. good massage, yeah? i hope we can getenough information so that we can crackthis case wide open. yeah, before it cracks us. so, with grenadine or without,my dear? now, if i can just get thisformula properly recorded-- i can get a contractwith dave geffen.
wait a minute,he casts a shadow? now, would you prefera long island iced tea? did he have a hairnet on? he's casting-- clumsy oaf. squeeze him. what's the matter,dr. mallory? - oh, perhaps--- i'm having chest pains! first word sounds like--
he was doinghis joe cocker there. he's wearing a hairnet. - hey, that's the closet.- dummy. what's his inning? hey. has he been hitting you? hey, whoa, this is neat. ha, what are youdoing saturday? i'm movinginto a new place.
okay, now drop and give me 20.[chuckling] cool, a robot. uh, right face. don't smoke,please don't smoke. - i'm dead now.- don't smoke. now, try to rememberto get out real slow. we're trying to padthe film here. hey, why do we alwayshave to get here just as the sun is setting.
- oh, it's happy hour.- those long shadowsgot your nerves, eh, jim? i hope to tell you,around this place. well, let's see what thiscan find for us. it's a boy scout conference. - watch out for spiders.- and boy scouts. i'm going to takea little nip. not even chauffeurscan resist the rich tasteof ultimate power. "dear john, i have to tell you--what i have to tell you is"--
oh, never mind. needle almost jumped offthe dial here. must be another disk around.close. i'm taking this cube and i'mgoing to solve it myself. i've seen his power and,you know, he's not that good. and i'll see you later. - oil can.- don't smoke. please. hey, these game boysare great.
- i got "centipede."- it's strong here. i lovethat old thing, heh. now it's stronger. this way, gents. oh, terrific, i got the sourceof ultimate power and i'm trapped like a rat. uh, landlord. i'm doing the dishes! i just want to showthe apartment, is that okay?
hello, pest control. we're spraying today. - hello?- not so strong here. the plot gets weakerover here. funny. i'll just sneak by hereif you don't mind. - hey!- hey, what do you mean hey? - who is this mug?- he came with you. - what are you asking me for?- oh, i met him last night.
he may beone of the spy rings. - oh!- what's the matter? - what?- what? he who smelt it,dealt it. ... burned my hand, and whenit touched that box, - it went up in smoke.- sure. must be somethingpretty hot in there. - don't open that.- leave dr. mallory open it. yeah, i oughta...
we'll take himto headquarters first. you palooka.big old, uh... that's what you get for wantingto rule the world, buddy. oh, crap, he's gonnaopen that thing. i gotta get a plan. what's the matter, bob,can't you make it? no, not yet. maybe it's just as wellafter what happened with that neometer.
yeah, you're probably right. hey, let's clown aroundwith something we can'tpossibly understand. hey, bob. wonder what'sthe matter with this car. the engine stopped running. well, let's hopethe rear projection holds out. whoo, shocking. - wow.- yep.
- hey, bob, look!- hey, neat. it's blowing up power lines,open up another one, bob! - cool.- you're doing great,keep her rolling. whuh-oh. zorka must bea power line protestor. so i'll just get outhere, okay? yeah, don't bother stoppingthe car for me. - ho!- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - and guess what time it is.- oh, we better get out of here.
it's time to split.come on, let's go. thanks for coming,good night. you've beena wonderful audience. "the phantom creep"audiences are the greatest audiences in the world! man, that wassuch an ordeal. what a cruel trick, making uswatch a whole other movie again. yeah, with each episode,that phantom creeps gets moreand more ridiculous.
yeah, i know. who did that chauffeurthink he was, thinking he couldrule the world? hey, it wasn'tmy fault that we showed "the phantom creep"at the end. it's dr. forrester who callsall the shots around here. if you ask me, that chauffeurhad the right idea. as a matter of fact,i've prepared a little number. ♪♪ [piano ballad]
♪ if chauffeursruled the world ♪ ♪ it's what i'd liketo see ♪ ♪ 'cause everyonein the world ♪ ♪ would takea backseat to me ♪ ♪ i wouldn't haveto drive ♪ ♪ i wouldn'thave to steer ♪ ♪ 'cause all would bow downbefore me ♪ ♪ in total abject fear ♪ ♪ all the gorgeous dames ♪
♪ would worship at my feet ♪ ♪ why i could haveany one of them i want♪ ♪ even meryl streep ♪ ♪ i'd havecomplete respect ♪ ♪ of everyoneon the planet ♪ ♪ including intellectuals ♪ ♪ even david mamet ♪ ♪ tell me why doi have to take ♪ ♪ orders from this guy? ♪
♪ i'd like to drop himin a bucket of boiling grease ♪ ♪ and watch himslowly die ♪ that's enough, frank. that's enough, frank! frank! ♪ it's what i'd-- ♪aah! ♪ to see,♪ 'cause everyone-- ♪ - that' enough!- ♪ in the world ♪ ♪ would take a backseatto me mammy ♪
[sing-song]we thinkyour song is fabulous! ♪ but i guesssome other palooka ♪ ♪ will rule the world ♪ ♪ no,not me ♪ push the button,judy garland. just pushthe button, frank. you think the ace awards peopleare watching this? oh, for crying out loud. ♪♪ [song ends]
weird? weird.
