- â™ª chappelle's show â™ª - oww! â™ª whoo-hoo, hoo â™ª â™ª whoo-hoo â™ª - â™ª yeah, yeah â™ª â™ª â™ª male announcer:dave chappelle! - what's up! [laughs]
oh, man. what's poppin', y'all? i don't knowif you guys know this, but my favorite tv showis comin' back on the air. it's called making the band. whoo, it's a beast! puff daddy takesfive people and puts 'emin a house together and makes 'em cut a recordfor bad boy.
they argue; they fight.oh, the fights! the drama! if you haven't seenthe first season, you don't know whati'm talkin' about. here's the highlightsfrom the first season. [hip-hop music] - congratulations. y'all made it insidethe house. you did good.
all right,this is what's up: you can live here.you can record here. you can bebad boy artists here, but if you wanna do it, first y'all gotta walk to queensand get me a sugar cookie. - a sugar cookie?man, this is crazy. - we got it.come on, man. bad boy. - a sugar cookie, man.
look, this is not what i got inthe music business to be doing, to be a sugar cookie-getter. you know, i'm a rapper. who are the five best rappersof all time? think about it. dylan, dylan, dylan, dylan,and dylan because i spit hot fire. - that's a good-asssugar cookie.
you guys are official now.welcome to bad boy. it's bad boy, baby. can't stop.won't stop. uh-uh, uh-uh. i'm sending y'allto the studio. i want you to turndaddy out a hit, but i need you to bea family unit and love each other,or this will never work. - that's right, man,that's right.
- go out thereand get daddy a hit. i'm gonna take a nap. - what'd you do? [all shouting] - let 'em fight!let 'em fight! - i'm shuttin'the studio down. [record scratches] [all scoff] - the only way i couldkeep the studio open
is if y'all go out and walk throughnorthern new jersey, get me a setof left-handed golf clubs. i also need you to takea picture with a midget holdin' these balloons. take a picture with a midget holdin' these balloons,holdin' these balloons. you did it. you went out, you found my man--you found a midget, man--
and you got the pictures;you got the golf clubs. here's the keysto the studio. now, if y'all excuse me, i'm going scuba diving withchris tucker and aquaman. you be cool. giddyup. [people clamoring] - what's happening? we're supposed to be a family.
what are you doing? not like this, man! - y'all not workin' like a team. i gotta shutthe studio down, yo. all right, the only wayi'll open the studio up now-- y'all gotta walk uptownto the bronx and get breast milkfrom a cambodian immigrant. i only drinkthe finest breast milks. go out thereand milk a cambodian.
it's 100% cambodian, yo. it's the real shit. [bottles clinking] â™ª breast milk â™ª â™ª you made my da-ay â™ª not only am i gonnaopen the studio up, i'm sendin' you in therewith a legend. that's right,wyclef, playboy. - no disrespect,i wanted to work with wyclef
more than i wantedto work with puff. - yo, dylan, you readyto get it started, baby? - all right, here we go. [clears throat] â™ª bumbaclaat, bumbaclaat â™ª â™ª bumba bumba bumbaclaat â™ª â™ª a rump un tomp,a rump un ting â™ª â™ª a rumpa tumpa tump,a rump un sting â™ª â™ª i rip and i rhyme,i rhyme and i rip â™ª
â™ª dis is the waythat dylan spits â™ª you--you tryin' to getsome of this hot fire? - we can either make this songor not make this song. - you're too close, man!you're too close, man! - hey, y'all gonna chokea legend? you don't thinki want to choke people? you can't just chokeall your problems. this takes hard work. if i had my way,i'd never work.
i'd just stay home all day,watch scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fuckin' day. then i'd dress up like a clownand surprise kids at schools. then i'd take a dumpin the back of a movie theater and just wait till somebody sat in it,hear it squish. that's funny to me. then i'd paint and readand play violin.
i'd climb the mountains and sing the songsthat i like to sing. but i don't gotthat kind of time. playboy.playboy. you just gonna combyour hair, playboy? sara, you just gonna talk upall your anytime minutes? is this anytime?huh? babs, you just gonna sit thereand chop onions right now, huh? good time to chop onions?
look at this nigga. you just gonnado your taxes, ness? you just gonna sit thereand crunch numbers? huh, is that hot? is that what's goin' onin the streets right now, your taxes? all right, look. i got some good news,and i got some bad news, y'all. the bad news is thati'm shuttin' down the studio.
the good news is that i just saved a lotof money on my car insurance. fonzworth,bring me a sandwich! [outkast's the way you move playing] [upbeat hip-hop music] he can fly, man. he can fly.he believes in himself. - â™ª i like the way you move â™ª - eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.
[cheers and applause] - we gonna takea quick commercial break, y'all. don't go nowhere. we'll be right backwith more chappelle's show. - â™ª chappelle's show â™ª- oww! - hey, everybody,welcome back. you know, folks, you ever be watchin'a ball game, and then these beer commercialscome on,
and it just makes it seem likedudes go out and drink beer and have the best time? let me tell you somethin'about drinkin' beer. drinkin' beer bringsthe animal out in somebody. and i know alcohol companiessponsor my show. i ain't talkin' about them.them shits are delicious. i'm talkin' aboutthe rest of 'em. they go too far. the ads are irresponsible.
why don't they makean honest commercial that shows the animalthat beer brings out? like this. - hey,what night is it, guys? all:dudes' night out! yeah! dudes, dudes, dudes. - i don't know what it is,you know? oh.
yo, excuse me,what are you-- - hey, man, what do you mean,don't worry about it? i bought that bitcha drink! i don't play that game! eh! eh!- look out, billy! - oh! what? you thinkthis is a game, biatch? this is dudes' night out! - [screaming]
motherfucker! [screaming] - only reason i'm cryin' is'cause of the adrenaline. - [retches wetly] - oh, no, man, no! [urine splashing] [man grunting] - hey, hey,little lady. y'all wanna party with us?
oh! oh, nigga, that's a dude! - shut the fuck up, dave. i am drunk,and i am horny. hey, baby. ha!you're jealous, dave! - no, don't do it!no! - let's go. - let's get out of here.
- yo.a mouth's a mouth, man. - what?- i'm out. - billy,what are you doin'? billy.billy! ah! - i'm just gonna be a minute. - hey, steve!hey, you guys! - yo, tonya--tony--whatever your name is. - bye, dave.
- when it's dudes' night out, it's got to be schlipp's. - hey, everybody, we're gonnatake a quick commercial break. but don't go nowhere.we'll be right back. - â™ª turn on your tv â™ª â™ª what you gonna see? â™ª - welcome back! welcome backto chappelle's show. i don't know aboutany of you guys,
but i'm a parent,all right? there's a lot of wild thingsgoing on in the world, and it's very hard to explainthese things to your children. that's all right, 'cause tonight,i'm going to help you. i have created a showthat helps to explain the evils of the worldto youth in a waythat they can understand and that's palatableto them,
and i hope you enjoy it. here it is. [twinkling music] - hey, everyone,look what i found. it's--it's a dagger! all: wow! - whoa, that's not a toy,there, robert! - bobble! - hey, kids.
hey, you better be careful whenyou're handlin' those things. that's not a dagger at all.it's called a syringe. people use it to injecta drug called heroin directly intotheir bloodstream. - why? - probably becauseyou get higher that way than sniffing it. - bobble,why do people get high? - oh, very good question,young lady.
for all kinds of reasons. some people think they need itjust to get through the day, and some peoplejust like to party and can quitwhenever they want, like me. dah! [groans] [sighs] kids, there are a lotof double standards
about drugsin this country. [twinkling harp music] â™ª kids, it's timeto keep it real â™ª â™ª life is hard â™ª â™ª and i can't deal â™ª â™ª i know it looksa certain way â™ª â™ª but people get highevery day â™ª â™ª some people do itwith cigarette smokin' â™ª â™ª others treat their headacheswith ibuprofen â™ª
â™ª your grandpa talksabout self-respect â™ª â™ª and then he takes drugsto keep his cock erect â™ª â™ª but it's all drugs to me â™ª â™ª it's all drugs to me â™ª [moans] that junk's kicking in, kids. it feels like i have a millionteeny tiny kitty cats rubbing my balls as i skeet, skeet, skeetall over the walls!
[laughing] let me bringthis bitch home. â™ª they're all â™ª â™ª drugs â™ª â™ª to... â™ª â™ª me â™ª i'm goingto the emergency room. bye-bye, kids. you see, kids,always throw away your trash.
uhh. i'm fucking dying, man! - hey! all:it's stinky the grom. - fuck you too. - what's wrong, stinky? - besides livingin a trash can and having a syringe lodgedin my fucking head, nothing, i guess.
where are your parents,anyway? - my mommy and daddyare at work. - oh, yeah? well, me, i gave up workinga long time ago. - don't give up, stinky. my dad says if you nevergive up and work hard, all your dreamswill come true. - that's the gayest shiti ever heard. - what?
[bouncy bass music] - â™ª i don't believe yo' pappy â™ª â™ª he may be rich,but he ain't happy â™ª â™ª tells you 'bout workand you want to be him â™ª â™ª but when's the last timeyou got to see him? â™ª â™ª he works hard, why? â™ª â™ª so you can go outand buy â™ª â™ª a bunch of shitthat you don't need â™ª â™ª driven by your punk-asshopes and greed â™ª
â™ª that's whyi say â™ª â™ª fuck it â™ª â™ª for the first timein my life â™ª â™ª i'm finally free â™ª â™ª no mansion for me â™ª â™ª i said "fuck it" â™ª â™ª no brand-new humvee â™ª â™ª i say "fuck it" â™ª - â™ª but you'll get no pussy â™ª
- â™ª fuck it â™ª â™ª what you don't understand â™ª â™ª is i make love to my hand â™ª â™ª so i don't need you, honey â™ª â™ª i beat my dicklike it owes me money â™ª that's right,i said fuck it. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna make mea nice feces sandwich. - look, it's dangle!
and, hey,you're chris rock! - it's dave chappelle,but close enough. - where are you guys going? - well, dangle'snot feeling well, so i'm taking himto the doctor. - what's wrong, dangle? - actually,it's my penis. - what's that? [unzips pants]
all: ew. - when i pee-pee,it burns like hell. i have what's knownas a venereal disease. - how did you get it? - from fucking. i got so much puppet ass,it could be from anywhere. - what's the sickness called? - i'm not sure, robert. that's why we're goingto the doctor.
there's a lot of different kindsof penis sicknesses out there. isn't that right, q-tip? - that's right, dave,all kinds. â™ª sex isn't wrongbut you gotta be right â™ª â™ª if you're hitting the sheets â™ª â™ª then wrap it up tight â™ª â™ª listen up, kids,'cause i ain't jokin' â™ª â™ª one bad decision â™ª â™ª your dick will be smokin' â™ª
â™ª you'll catch a v.d.but don't take it from me â™ª [traditional french music] [sizzling] oh, hello, dave chappelle,haven't seen you for a while. what's it been,two months? - dirty motherfucker. oh, here come the crabs. [bright latin music] â™ª the crabs â™ª
- â™ª oh, yes â™ª both: â™ª the crab, the crabs â™ª - ole! - this nigga's a freak. [upbeat music] â™ª i'm the herpes,the herpes â™ª see you in hell,motherfuckers. ooh, baby,i like it raw. - oh, gosh.
- wow, life is hard.- nah, it's not, lisa. all right, look,if you just remember to keep your genitalsout of harm's way, don't chase money,and refrain from littering, you'll be a winner. [kids cheer] - q-tip, take us home! come on, kids! - â™ª it's a v.d. day â™ª
- â™ª v.d. day,a v.d. day â™ª - we're gonna takea quick commercial break. v.d. is in the house.what's up, v.d.? - better not bring your kids! ladies and gentlemen,tonight's musical guest, the voice of dangle, none other thansnoop doggy dogg! - yeah, what up? who let this motherfuckingbasehead on stage?
- hit this motherfucker, g! - nah, man,i can't do that shit. i been dealing herefor five months, and he ain't hit the pipein front of me yet! - so what you saying? - i'm saying,i think you 5-o. - 5-o? nigga, i ain't 5-o. - well, then,hit this motherfucker then!
i can feel it! - have to show this niggai ain't no motherfuckin' police. i'm a take youon a ride, tyrone. check this out, nigga. â™ª creep with meas i crawl through the hood â™ª â™ª maniac, lunaticcall me snoop eastwood â™ª â™ª kickin' dust as i bustfuck peace â™ª â™ª and the motherfuckin'punk police â™ª â™ª you already know i givesa fuck about a cop â™ª
â™ª so why in the fuck wouldyou think that it would stop? â™ª â™ª plot, hell yeah,that's what i'm about to do â™ª â™ª take your ass on a missionwith the boys in blue â™ª â™ª dre, what up, snoop?yo, i got the feelin' â™ª â™ª tonight's the nightlike betty wright â™ª â™ª and i'm chillin' â™ª â™ª killin', feelin',no remorse, yeah â™ª â™ª so let's go straightto the motherfuckin' source â™ª â™ª and see what we can find â™ª
â™ª crooked-ass cops that pop usand give us a gang of times â™ª â™ª and now they wannamake a deal with me â™ª â™ª scoop me upand put me on they team â™ª â™ª and chill with me â™ª â™ª and make my pockets bigger â™ª â™ª they want to meet with metonight at 7:00 â™ª â™ª so what's up, nigga?what you wanna do? â™ª - â™ª what you tryin' to do? â™ª - â™ª i got your gauge, my uzi,and your motherfuckin' .22 â™ª
â™ª so if you wanna blast, nigga,we can buck 'em â™ª â™ª if we stick 'em,then we stuck 'em so fuck 'em â™ª â™ª i said, yeah,and you don't stop â™ª - â™ª 'cause it's 1-8-7on a motherfuckin' rock â™ª - â™ª yeah, and you don't stop â™ª - â™ª 'cause it's 1-8-7on the motherfuckin' rock â™ª - on the motherfuckin' rock? â™ª 1-8-7 on the motherfuckin'-- â™ª - rock.that's how i do.
- i can't put you on that one. - i'd like to thank my guest,snoop dogg. i'd like to thankvenereal diseases and the kidsand everybody. and i'd like to thank youat home for watching. i will see you next week. - i'm rich, biatch! [horn honks] - hi, thank you!
- i have what's known asa sexually transmitted disease. - how'd you get it? [chuckles] [laughter] [bottles clanking] - â™ª breast milk â™ª