Tuesday, October 4, 2016

puppets dancing to african music

[music] >> hello. on this episode of all my exes,you'll meet a very recent ex. he's african-american by way of haiti. black and beautiful, he filled a holein me i'd never had filled before, and certainly not to that extent. but i couldn't shake the feelingthat he was ashamed of me. he was ashamed of our love. jean michel, thank you forbeing here on time.

do you know why i broke up with you? did i make that clear? >> not really. i mean i never really understood why you broke up with me, but life goes on. >> i broke up with you, jean michel, because you never tookme into a public forum. never took me to an events,gatherings, soirees. >> what about that one event where charlesbarkley threw a little gathering at

the cigar room? >> if you remember correctly, i begged. >> not true. >> i begged you to take me along. >> you're a white girl. >> you didn't want to takeme out because i was white. >> no, i couldn't take youout because you were white. >> couldn't or wouldn't? >> couldn't.

big difference. >> wouldn't? >> why would i take you to the bet awards? there's nothing butblack people running up in the bet awards. i'm gonna come walking inthere with a white girl? >> yes. >> you want me to get crucified? but you know people not ready for that. >> what about seal, heidi, or whatever?

>> he's african. them africans don't care. they do whatever. >> you didn't like it when i usedto rhyme things with haitian. haitian creation, haitian nation,haitian floatation. do you kinda like it now? >> i think that is one ofthe dumbest things you ever said. that's like me saying,jew you, the italian stallion. you see how corny that sounds?

>> i think it's kinda fun. [laugh] i do. you were my boyfriend fora year and in that space of time you did not eat my pussy once,not on one occasion. do you think that's okay? is that conscionable? >> you know,caribbean men don't eat pussy. i said to you, as a west indian, from the caribbean,that's not something we normally do.

>> right. >> because we don't have to. you know why.i don't have to explain to you why. you've seen all my friend's,they all say the same thing. they don't eat pussy. >> what a lovely lot. >> chelsea, i was this close. you know i was. remember?

>> you said that a number of times. >> a couple of nights iput my face down there. i even went like this for a hot minute>> i was this close. >> a minute seems hyperbolic. >> well,if you didn't break up with me a week ago, maybe this would have been the week thati probably would have ate your pussy. >> aren't you juststringing me along here? >> when you ask me to eat your pussy,that mean you don't respect my culture. >> i would take you back in an instantif you just changed those two things.

if you'd take me out in public regularly. if you'd eat my pussy every now and again. >> would you consideralso having a threesome? >> goodbye black boyfriend. goodbye interracial dating. this has been an abysmal failure. for all my exes, i'm chelsea peretti. on the next episode of all my exes, kenny is an idiot whodoesn't get that it's over.

meet kenny. as he candidly shared his feelingswith me during this interview, i tried my very hardest to listen. we decided to take some space. >> what do you mean? i keep calling you. you don't return my calls. >> we decided it was over. >> no, when?

>> years ago. i just thought you were busy with work. >> do you remember this? >> yeah, i painted it for you. >> did you see it asa complimentary rendering? >> it's beautiful. >> cuz some people would say itlooks like what would happen if david bowie fuckedhoward stern in the ass. >> no, you're gorgeous.

>> was this your firstattempt at oil painting? >> it's my only painting. >> well. >> i got a poem too that i made. >> do you? >> yeah. roses are red. violets are blue. you love me and i love you.

>> okay. >> and that is true. without you, i go boo hoo hoo. >> okay, that's nice. >> do you like it? >> can i text you an answer? >> [laugh] boy. >> i had innumerable problems with you,kenny.

this is my old photo album. look familiar? >> mm-hm. >> do you remember scratching out thefaces of all my friends and loved ones? >> i did it for you. >> it's a little unnerving andhostile to see that you've tried to removed every personfrom my life from this album. don't you think it'sa little bit uncomfortable? >> petunia, just be my girl.

>> i'll tell you what. i'll get back together with you ifyou can correctly define three words. are you ready? >> okay, precipice. >> can i pick the words? >> no, i'm afraid not. precipice is word one. time is up. >> no, no, i know.

>> sommelier. >> precipice is when we dance real close. >> i'm afraid you've alreadyfailed in category one. we're on two, sommelier. >> the people that live in somalia. >> incorrect. fortress. and we're done. >> no, no,fortress is where we would live.

>> unfortunately, kenny->> chelsea. >> as the italians->> petunia. >> would say, et finito. we're done, kiddo. >> but we got great fung shui. that pertains to apartments and furniture. >> no, me and you. >> game over, goodbye. >> [music]

>> join us forthe next episode of all my exes, where you'll meet a man named charles. we dated for five years. he was my parents' favorite. and then he broke my heart. why? why did he do that? a man called charles wasmy boyfriend of five years. my best friend, a favorite of my parents,and an excellent chef.

in the interview you're about to seei tried to find out why he ended it, what wasn't working forhim, and why he ended it. welcome, charles, to all my exes,thank you for being here. >> hm. >> it's great to see you. >> likewise, chelsea. >> you look well, put together, handsome, sun-kissed, one of the beautiful people. >> thank you.

>> i don't remember why we broke up. >> i wasn't attracted to you, chelsea. >> was there any attraction there? >> no. >> was there a personality match? >> when we were drunk. >> but what about all the fun we had? we had our animal print party. we won the regionals forfoxtrot competitions twice.

>> it was like a bad broadway show. >> we laughed all night. is all that just water under the bridge? what about the sex? >> don't get me started. it was rough. >> rough? >> rough. >> you didn't enjoy it?

we had sex after all our parties. >> i was drunk. >> you remember this? you remember this? >> yes, i do. >> our little hats that we gotwhen we were going out to laguna, we got these at the airport. they were little airport hats. remember i had mine on, you had yours on.

we were just trotting aroundmaking everybody laugh. it was a gas. >> we were idiots. >> no it was a gas, you loved it. you had so much fun. you and me, we were singing songs anddoing little kick lines, two person kick lines. >> it's like a bleak blur. >> for my birthday you gaveme $5,000 to get a nose job.

i spent it on a massage chair,were you disappointed? >> it would take more than$5,000 to fix that nose madam. >> you don't like my nose, not a fan. >> i like your nose,just not on your face. thank you. >> you're welcome. where the ex is an incontinentold snooze fest. welcome to all my exes. did you know that i oncedated an elderly man?

the fact of the matter is that i did. you used to love tic-tac-toe. do you still love that? >> well i don't play itnearly as much as i used to. is there the xs and the os? yeah, i don't do that much any more. >> that must be nice. >> maybe sometimes inthe morning after breakfast. >> you used to always be just chasingme with a piece of paper with an o or

an x on it, and->> well, i was eager for you to learn the game andyou were a little impatient, you know? you got tired of it. >> yes.>> we only played, you know, for three or four hours. and you said,i don't want to play no more. i don't want to play anymore. >> right, i wanted a break. i wanted to->> i know, well, i was probably at fault.

it's my fault. i shouldn't have done that. >> you took me on a romanticbird-watching getaway. >> yes, yes. >> do you think you're gonnawanna be out here much longer? >> about another three hours, you know,because they're just starting to nest now. i don't wanna miss that. >> i wasn't happy andthat didn't seem to bother you. it didn't take away from your birdwatching pleasure on that trip.

>> and i apologize. i should've paid more attention to you,i'm sorry. >> even now, and i remember this,you have a distinctive smell of kimchi. >> who? the guy in the laundry? who, kimchi? >> kimchi, the korean snack,i don't know how to describe it. >> you think that i'vegot some kind of aroma? >> well you do,you have a very strong scent.

>> pungent, is it pungent? >> pungent, musky. >> musky. >> vinegary with a bit of spice to it. >> i'll be darned. >> [laugh] man! i do kinda miss you. seeing you now, i do kind of, miss you. >> mm.

>> loel. >> you fell asleep. >> i did. >> now this is an exampleof what happened. >> come close. that's enough. this fall. you and i would fly to the area of mount everest, and climb mount everest.

would you like to do that? >> you are incapable ofwalking up a flight of stairs. >> but we're not talking about stairs,we're talking about everest. just the two of us,this young woman and this old man. >> i'll meet you over there, okay? >> great. >> all right. >> god bless you. i leave you with this.

[sound] >> i'm not sure what precisely we learned from loel, but i think it hassomething to do with lucidity and coherent thought being the buildingblocks of a functional relationship. and smelling good, having a good smell,serving as a mortar of sorts. will i ever see loel again? probably not. but i will go to his funeral,if i don't have other plans. why did i bang a couple fora week straight?

i don't know. i never knew how crowdeda king size bed could feel. >> [laugh]>> do you consider yourselves a polyamorous couple? >> we don't like words. >> no words at all? >> we don't like descriptions anddictionaries. it's a very conservative right-wing words. >> are you able to make love to oneanother without involving a third party?

>> no, no, we haven't. we've never made lovewith just the two of us. we've always needed someoneto be attracted to. >> once i got some spacefrom the two of you, i realized i was thoroughlyunnerved by you. one of you, perhaps more than the other. >> in which directiondoes that compliment go? >> the person that i didn't like, was you. >> sweetie, i'm sorry.

>> no, i'm pointing here to you, fred. >> to both of us, in the middle? >> i didn't like. >> you, meaning as a couple? you did. >> no, i did not like you. >> you did not like her? >> i didn't like you so much. >> you didn't like her so much, but she's.

>> romantically.>> it's hard to connect with amy, and i'm gonna tell you why. she's unfriendly at first. >> she didn't connect with you. she didn't like you. >> uh-oh. >> uh-oh, what fred? >> i can't close my legs. i can't close my legs.

>> n-o, no fred. it's not happening. >> maybe you should talkabout who you did like? >> yes, amy. i liked you. i enjoyed you. >> so do i, so we have that in common. so funny. >> i liked you too.

>> so did i. >> i felt an amazing amountof chemistry with you. >> her. i can't tell you that i havenot had butterflies to come and do this interview because literally->> everything you cooked was so delicious. you are truly talented in the kitchen. >> she likes our cooking. >> cooking is a sensual thing and you area sensual woman and you nailed every dish. >> and you have cute toes.

>> i love these little->> thank you. >> i really love->> i had decided to wear flip-flops. >> i love that. >> and fred then wanted to. >> wow. >> free minds think alike. he doesn't get it. >> one of these thingsis not like the other. one of these things does not belong.

for all my exes, i'm possibly a lesbian. there you go, yeah. it's juicy, isn't it? >> yeah, take it. take it all. you're dripping. [laugh] >> to be honest, i didn't wanna showyou this episode with ze frank, but the journalist in me said, roll tape.

well, welcome. welcome to our little show. have a chocolate covered strawberry anda little apple soda. >> i've seen some of your shows. >> andi haven't quite seen that kinda treatment. >> well, this is how we do it here. >> do you want me to feed you? >> if you like, sure. certainly not required, but [sound].

>> so, this is great. >> i mean, it's socool that you have this show. it looks like you finally found somethingthat you, that you'd love doing. >> thank you, it really, it meansa lot to me to hear that from you. you smell good, you're stillwearing the same scent, right? >> it's pretty amazing you remember. >> brings back a lot of thoughts,and ideas, and memories. >> yeah, it was, yeah. >> visceral.

>> well, we spent a lot of time together. >> we weren't perfect, but we were happy. >> we had our problems. i cheated, you cheated. we got into some physical stuff thatit was mutual, pushing and scratching. but there was a lot of passion. we were passionate. >> yeah, it was->> we were a passionate pair. >> it was intense.

it was intense. >> ze, are you still a master masseuse? yeah. >> good hands. >> are you hungry? i just got groceries. i could cook. we could catch up on old times. trade 10 minute massages, see how it goes.

>> i hope you're not gettingsome kinda mixed message here. >> i don't wanna get backtogether with you, i guess. >> why not? >> chelsea, we were terrible together. >> kiss me. >> let's just kiss andnot think about consequences. >> chelsea, chelsea. that's not. >> [sound]>> that's not gonna happen.

>> [sound]>> you said this was gonna be a journalistic interview. >> it's journalistic, where's my,well i guess i have a reporter's notebook. >> yeah, that's not. >> i guess that means i'm a journalist. >> yeah, that's not what. >> and i do little notes andi make my research, and then i come and i interview a subject. >> this is nuts.

>> no, this isn't nuts, you're nuts. wait a minute ze, come on. please sit down, please sit down. do you remember this? you left it at my house after we broke up. i got it for you. but you left it. >> yeah.>> wait a minute, wait it out. >> yeah, yeah.

the umbrella moves. >> you remember this was yours. >> listen, i don't want it. i don't want it. >> it's a bear that movesan umbrella back and forth. >> while singing, singing in the rain. >> come on ze, don't go. >> you're absolutely nuts. >> please don't go.

we're waiting for you. >> good luck with the show. >> don't go ze,this is not what you should do. [sound]>> hm. ze! >> die hard is here. die hard is here. i'm gonna eat a ton of the chocolatehot lovely muffy sticky buns, yeah. merry, merry, merry, merry, merry.

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