Friday, March 3, 2017

puppets joke explained

sidewalk singer 1: bam, bam, baruram sidewalk singer 2: oh, that ice cream it's keeping me down so cold and delicious it's making me frown hey, granny, you want a biteof this garbage? - no, i don't.- no? - no.- all right. mrs. j.

get away from me,you little prick. [jelly addict gasping] got a watermelon?i'm hurting real bad. well, we got a special today.watermelon and cherry. - you got the money?- yeah. here. hi, rainbow brown. hi. harumph. oh, watermelon and cherry. let's see,where did i hide the beans?

oh, they're in here. nah, that's where we keepthe guns and such, idiot dum-dum. wizo:oh, no, did i lose the beans? oh, no, in this one. ha-ha-ha. - oh,- squeak. squeak. wizo:oh, what a relief. i found them. hey, this is only 16.

oh, mr. rainbow brown, sir, please, i'm hurting real bad. i'll suck your dick. ah, get off me, you damn junkie. but, okay, fine.get your beans from that genius. this neighborhoodis really going to shit. - oh.- out of the way, granny. - hah?- stop, thief. [panting]

[police siren wailing] [car screeches] freeze. police. [herbie zings] scrambled eggs. officer herbierequesting back up. dispatch: heh, right. who is this, seriously? gak. hah. hah. go.

see you later, puppet piggy.ha-ha-ha. [gasping] [groaning] whoa. ahhh. - ahhh.- ahhh. hah. you're under arrest, punk. [gasps] oh, boy. oh, boy. oh, boy. i just finished my reporton that perp.

he had a ton of priors. busted for sexually assaultinga bunch of sock puppets and, um-- where is he? - who? that kid?- yeah. ah, i let him go. oh, are you goofing me? that was likehis third armed robbery. i nearly popped a stitchcatching that guy.

he was just blowing off steamin p-town. we've all been there before,right, boys? i used to hold up storesin p-town just to feel that sweet rush. i still do it. [cops laugh] hah. maybe i should talkto the chief. you squawk to the chief? and i'll useyour fuzzy, blue ass

to buff the chrome on my bike. again! scrambled eggs. oh, fucking puppets. - rainbow.- gulp. jake:hurry your fluffy ass up. - you got the take?rainbow: sure do. cherry beansstill weren't moving so i cut them inwith the watermelon

and sold both stashes. who told you to do that? well, nobody.i just thought that i'd-- - ughh.- i don't pay you to think. stupid piece of fluff. i'm the boss of p-town,you understand? where's our cut? okay. yeah, your cut. yeah. here you go.

woo-hoo. oh, wow, thanks, jake. that's it? we make twice as muchas any-- ughh. you think my uncle put mein charge because i'm an idiot? don't forget who the boss is,or i'll cut you into maxi pads. i hate uppity puppets. any mitten in the citycould do your job. bye, jake. ha-ha-ha. he's the best. abigail: hold still.herbie: ow!

do you have to usesuch a big needle? ow! oh, come on, herbie. i'm getting tiredof sewing you up. i can't quit, abigail. i-- i-- owie! stay still. you won't be able to help anyoneif you're torn to shreds. abigail: there. done.herbie: yeah. that punk will think twice

before he sticks upanother store in p-town. not that everybody appreciateswhat i do. - some puppets--- herbie. i know someonewho appreciates it. abigail:oh, he's kicking. hey, herbie jr. can you hear me in there? i bet you're gonna grow up to be a big,strong police officer

just like your dad. herbie:whoa! gasp! that's my boy. [giggles] [glass breaking] [police sirens wailing] [dog barking] hey, rainbow. if we're drug dealers,

how come we gotta live here? look at that city, wizo. the humansliving their fancy lives in their luxurypenthouse suites. dining on all the string cheesethey can eat. and washing it all downwith aged chocolate milk. and being tucked into bed by supermodelswho has sex with them. and what puppets get?

hassled by the cops for trying to sella few jelly beans. it ain't right. someday, somebody's gonna shake itall up and change everything. [wizo snoring] [sighs]

[disco music playing] i got a jobfor your lazy woofer ass. - okay, come on, guys. let's go.jake: no. just you, rainbow. sasha:huh? [guiseppe carrot humming] [car engine rumbling] take these beans to room 128and get the money. now, if you come outwithout the money, you're dead.

- simple enough?- too simple. what do you need me for? i thought any puppetcould do my job? you wanna be a big shot dealeror not, you fuck tart? this is your chance. hey, about a fluff job? romeo, stick me in your butt? hey, sexy,you wanna play with these? [groans]

did--? did he bring the beans? green monster:tv time's over. you got the money? let's see the beans. okay. we open at the same timeon three. - one, two, three.- two, three. blue monster:oh, no. [gunshots] [gunshot]

[the snoopers reportid music] this just in. tragedy today at flappy's motelin p-town heights. in what appearsto be a drug deal gone wrong, five puppets are dead, including innocent bystander,giuseppe carrot who is survived by his wifeand baby carrot. preliminary reports indicate a lone gun man is responsible. the perp is still at large

and considered armed and dangerous. as we mourn this tragic tragedy, we ask who will bring thisbloodthirsty monster to justice? - need a hand with that?- no. [zings] - can i help?- beat it. - i can help you with that?- how did you get in here? good point.i'll go secure the perimeter. reporter:is this puppet massacre proof

that the police don't careabout puppet crime? the department caresabout all crimes. in fact, we're going to starta new puppet crime task force. chief. hey, chief. who's on thisnew crime task force? there. there. it's okay. get that puppet copin my office. we'll be making an announcement. chief, follow up question.what's your favorite color?

chief, you gotta have to answerthat question sooner or later. you're not above the truth. [moans] you want to be a big shot dealer or not, fuck tart? big shot dealer or not? fuck tart. come back without the money, you're dead. dead. dead. dead. fuck tart. come back without the money... the money... the money.

hah. give me a milk. strawberry. rainbow brown. still selling poisonto little boys and girls? i don't talk to no cops. you're talking to me right now. - that didn't count.- what about that? are you still fetching doughnuts for those puppet-hitting pigsdown town?

you give puppets a bad name. you're a traitor. get out of my face. get out of my bar. you wanna step outside? because that's what you cops do,beat on innocent puppets. herbie:come on, guys, put me down. i got calledto the chief's office. - i gotta go.- if you say so.

- whoa.- whoa. officer herbie smushyrupser.reporting as ordered, chief. take a look at this,officer herbie. i need someone like youon this task force. you mean, i'd make detective? oh! oh, boy. oh, boy. oh, boy. calm down a minute, herbie. i've called a press conference. all i want you to say

is that we take crimesagainst puppets seriously. hah. sure, i can do that but-- but, wait. what about all the puppet crimesbeing swept under the rug? suspects released?evidence eaten? i can't say that. it's not true. herbie, listen. i know we're not perfect, but if you would justgo out there

and tell the press what a great puppet detectiveyou're going to be then you'll help us dothe right thing. oh, yeah. yeah. huh, and thinkof all the puppets we can help. fantastic. chief: press conferenceis in 20 minutes. go find your new partner,detective sanchez. oh, new partner. oh, boy!

[herbie humming] oh. excuse me,are you detective sanchez? we're gonna be late. you mean shell monkey?over there. thank you. [sanchez snoring] detective sanchez? i'm herbie. i'm your new partner.

i thinkwe're gonna be best friends. oh, this? no, no, no. i don't want to do this anymore. tell the chiefi changed my mind. but you have to go. we're gonna be late for ourfirst city-wide press conference as best friend partners. i don't care. get lost. sometimes,life can get you down.

but you shouldn't let thatmake you frown. - because--- stop! stop it, no singing, okay? jesus christ! i'll go. i just don't wanna hearany fucking puppety ass songs. ha! ha-ha-ha. we care about puppet crime we swear it justice for mr. carrot because--

reporter:chief. over here, chief. reporter 1: is this newtask force a hollow attempt--? chief, follow up question.follow up question. - what's your favorite number?- that's it. no more questions. [speaking indistinctly] ah, you freaking puppets. roxy, do me a favor.make me another scotch. jake: you wanted to see me,uncle sonny? sonny:jake. my favorite nephew.

everything okayin that hoop of yours? - yeah. yeah, no problem.- good. good. roxy, make jake a scotch. - gin and tonic.- sounds good. me too. - everything all right, jake?- yeah, no problem, uncle sonny. you're telling meyou had nothing to do with that puppet massacrethat's all over the news? well, yeah. i thinkthat was one of our guys. - hey!- yah!

that's all right, kiddo. never could squeeze muchout of p-town. too silly. - oh.- i hate silly. usually,i can handle those fuzzy fucks. they love balloons. but these ones,they were out of control. they're icing each otherover nothing. rainbow:over nothing. [roxy shrieks]

that's exactly right. relax, boys. it's just a puppet. what's up with the puppetsall of a sudden? you start talking puppets,and a puppet shows up. how'd you get in here, rainbow? i don't mean any disrespect, i'm just hereto give you your money and then you're gonna give memy cut. - what's your name, son?- rainbow. rainbow brown.

rainbow,let me tell you something. most puppets i meet is silly. - i hate silly.- gulp. i could tell you mean business. i could use a puppet like you. want some beans? no, thanks,i don't touch the shit i sell. good. get him a drink, roxy.

the puppet wants out,uncle sonny. sonny:indulge me for a moment. rainbow, tell me, what's the one thingyou would change about our operation in p-town? i'd start selling combos. take banana,a vanilla and a chocolate, you got a banana split. you can do a pb and can do a mai tai.

i love it.why don't you do that for me? i need someoneto run p-town for me right. someone with brains and ballsto cut through all the bull and get the job done. what do you say, rainbow? wanna be friends? drug addiction. it's a problem we faceevery single day in the city. but did you know that puppets

have substance abuse problemsas well? they like street name:jelly beans. real name: jelly beans. here's some signsto look out for in case you see a puppetdoing drugs. i'm high on life is a mess. oh. oh, no. drugs! ah!

just remember these easy steps. i feel better now. know the law. obey all laws. puppetsand humans working together. - we're here to help.- we're here to help. [grunts] you know, i appreciate youtaking me out here like this, but we got to work on ourbig case early in the morning.

we're not solving any cases, muchacho. let me tell you something,i'm a terrible cop. i'm not even allowedto carry a gun. you, you're a puppet. let me let you inon a little secret, okay? we're just cheap prs so the police departmentlooks nice. well, i got a hunch there'sa killer still out there. and we're just the best frienddetective task force

to catch him. i mean, you, you've gotexperience and street smarts. and i've got the forensicscovered and i know puppet karate. what would be better prthan us bringing him in? i was like you once. you wanna knowwhy i became a cop? why? becauseof the police academy movies.

whoo, boy, was i wrong. it's not like that at's just accidents. and jerkswho call you shell monkey. you like to drink,mr. negativity. well, i'll tell you what, if i can drink youunder the table you have to help mesolve this case. oh, all right. it's on, flat top.

oh, boy. herbie: let me tell yousomething, mister. i. me. i thinkyou are a great detective. and if we worked together, with cooperation, we'll be the besttask force ever. oh, my god. herbie. no! i'm gonna get the bastardswho shot my sweet herbie.

oh, my god. what am i gonna do?what am i gonna do? ma'am, he's just drunk. ah, baby,you're so glad i'm beautiful. i love you so goddamn much, ah. what were you thinking staying out all night carousingand carrying on while waiting up at homewith your unborn child? hey, lady, give him a break. yeah, lady, give him a break.hic.

sanchez: yeah.herbie: ahh. why don't you tellyour human buddies down at the station to give him a break? the last time he was this drunk was after he got a perfect scorein his detective exam. and you good for nothing copstore it up and made him eat itlike it was spaghetti. like spaghetti.

you got a perfect scoreon the detective test, herbie? i failed that three times,and i cheated. [laughs] - shhh. oh.- oh, shut up, you old witch. ha-ha. oh-oh. [mewling sound] rainbow:then get it cleaned up. i don't want any screw upswhen sonny visits. i still have to sell him onthe banana brothers deal today.

and that goes for everybody,no silliness. he hates silly. - oh. oh, oh, oh.- yes, wizo? what about super silly? because, we were going to dumpa batch of green oatmeal on him. absolutely not, wizo. - what about super duper silly?- no. what about super blooperpoopity scooper silly? [gun cocking]

okay. [sasha squeaks] he's here. he's here. oh. oh. oh. [clears throat] rainbow, my fuzzy little friend. - how you doing?- good to see you, sir. roxy. jake. well, here,now let me show you around.

here's wherewe sort the beans by purity. sonny: wow, you got a reallyimpressive organization here, rainbow. we never see so muchcoming out of p-town. hah, thanks. now, down hereis where we process the inca-bolivian sugarinto a molten mixture then we add the tutti-frutti,coloring in the drain cleaner. [sasha squeals]

- uh.- oh. is this what you call silly? [rainbow groans] because if it is, i like it. ah, you're a real gangster now,rainbow. you gotta startdressing the part. no more baby gap t-shirts. jake, take a cab.

[puppets laughing] get off. this is crazy. it's way too risky.they can't be trusted. if we make a deal with them,we can double, maybe even triple the moneycoming out of p-town. this is getting ridiculous,uncle. it's one thing to trustthese fuzzy little guys, but the banana brothers,they're freaking maniacs.

peeled off columbo's skin and chopped himinto tiny slices. they have connectionswith every fruit in town. i can handle them. ah, i like your ambition,rainbow. and i know howto reward loyalty. i'm gonna trust you on this one. - but don't let me down.- i won't, sir. rainbow, please,call me sonny.

you're making a big mistake,uncle sonny. put a sock on it, jake. look at you two. what?you getting readyfor mommy and daughter dance? go make us some drinks. hey, knock it off. pig. get over here. i hope you know whatyou're getting into, puppet. cause when it blows upin your face,

i'm gonna be there to make sure you don't take my family downwith you. forget about it, jake. it's puppet town. [moaning] well, okay, let's split upand canvass the area. we're looking for anyone who might have witnessedthe shooting. excuse me, sir,may i ask you a few questions?

[strokey zoom growling] hey. hey, no filming. strokey zoom: huh?- hey, buddy, give me that tape. - whoa. what the hell?- hey, big time. let me zoom in on that mouthand go for take two. what are you?some kind of pervert? ha-ha-ha. give me that tape. give me that. excuse me, sir. sir,could i just ask you--? darn.

- oh. oh, ma'am, hi.- hey, don't touch the crutch. ah, oh, poop. sanchez:you fuzzy pervert. what are you? a camera puppet.huh, nice thinking. sir, were you here shootingon the day of the shooting? yeah, i was. i remember because i was jerkingwhile zooming. that's why they call mestrokey zoom.

i can't stop recording. good police work, sanchez. oh, thank you. now, all we have to dois stay up all night watching hours and hoursof strokey's surveillance tapes. goddamn. you must be loco, ese. we would never make a dealwith sonny russo. yeah, we don't make dealswith dirty skinsects.

it doesn't a-peel to us. [banana brothers laugh] sonny is a friend.he respects puppets. we are not justany poncho puppets. - we are los bananas.- we are los bananas. i promise you he respectsbananas. also all fruits. oh? what about you? how do we knowyou won't just "split" on us? don't worry, i'm not "yellow".

- oh.- oh. [gulps] [all laugh] that's a good one, amigo.okay, okay. let's do some beans. [speaking in spanish] i-- i don't usuallywhen i'm working. you want to dealwith the banana brothers? you've got to prove you're loco. so you know how to get loco,rainbow?

ahhh. gahhh. are you kidding me with this? actually, chief,if you just keep watching you'll see, uh, we found, uh... [car motor revvingthen tires screeching] oh, yeah, that's the spot. you see this car, chief, it took offbefore the shooting started.

and as we all know,before is different than after. the driver of this caris involved in the massacre. - he knows something.- yeah. where did you findthis pervert, herbie? actually, sanchez foundstrokey zooms. uh, it was no big deal. i was keeping my eyes peeled,uh, looking for clues. - and so forth and so...- uh, excuse me, chief. uh, do you think you could maybe

lean over that deskand arch your back a bit? you're looking so, ha-ha-ha... [grunting] oh, yeah. [strokey zoom crashes] sanchez, you goddamn idiot,all you had to do was nothing. somehow you managedto screw that up too. the last thing we needis another accident. you wonder why people call youofficer dumbass.

i don't wonder that. listen,you're not real detectives. you pose for picturesand visit schools. just imagine you as my puppets. but chief,strokey's tape clearly shows-- besides, doyle already gotyour missing killer. he made a full confessionan hour ago. i told... i told you.i killed them all, okay? i confess.

that's what i'm supposedto say, right? right? ugh... this is utter baloney. he's coercing that confession.let me talk to him. case closed. oh, and for goingbehind my back, i'm bustingboth of you knuckleheads down to firing range duty. doyle is the new headof puppet crimes.

no, please... - but chief, i--- now if you'll excuse me. i have to go somewhereand relax. this job is killing me.i'm 37 years old. - doyle!- ugh... sanchez:see where trying gets us. we had a sweet assignment, now we're bumpedback down to the ammo locker. goddamn it, sanchez.

why do you haveto screw everything up? you didn't do anything, did you?doyle made you confess. oh, no, i just, uh...uh, is this a test? i, uh... i killed them all.i killed them all, i tell you! - you're lying!- no! herbie, if you keep this up,i'm gonna lose my pension. i am not gonna letan innocent puppet go to the gas chamberfor a crime he didn't commit. [sanchez groans]

gas chamber? [the snoopers reporttheme song playing] good newsfor lovers of justice tonight. the ruthless killer responsible for the massacreat flappy's motel is behind bars. whispers butterfield, degenerate bean junkieand heartless doo-doo head, was apprehended todayby detective corky doyle.

though this won't bring poor giuseppe carrot back to his family,p-town residents can rest easier knowing this savage killer is off the streets. good job, doyle. [dark music playing] [gulps then sighs] roxy: hey, rainbow.- oh... hey, hey...hey, roxy, uh, what's up? just stopping byto visit a friend.

- we're friends, right, rainbow?- of course, we are. roxy:oh, i wanted to party tonight, but sonny said i maxed outall my cards. ha-ha-ha,i see you like to party too. oh, just trying to stay focused.i got a lot of work to do. oh, rainbow, i, uh... did sonny do that? he ought to treat youwith more respect. i would.

i know, rainbow. that's why i love beingaround you. you know... i go some human stuff. [roxy sniffs then sighs] [growls] [both laughing] [rainbow growlingand roxy laughing] [both sigh]

- roxy?- yeah? what about sonny? don't worry about him. we're just friends. [rainbow sighs] friends. [muted music playing] [hand thuds] [guns firing]

herbie: thirty-eight, 39...sanchez: two sixty-three. herbie: forty.sanchez: two sixty-four. - forty-one, ah...- two sixty-five. i can't believeyou did this for ten years. i've only been at itfor four poinks, and it feels like a hundred. will you stop saying numbers?i'm gonna lose count. [cops cheering and laughing] being a cop is about justice,not counting.

five seventy. - five seventy-one.- sanchez, i've been wondering. what's this, uh, accidenti've been hearing about? [phone rings] sanchez. yeah, one second. it's for you. detective herbie.oh, what's the address? - five seventy-seven, 578.- 54623 thousand oaks lane. - five seventy-nine, 580.- and that's it?

- 15101.- five eighty-one, 580101. - and a four-digit extension?- five eighty... - five eighty-seven...- 4315. - five eighty-nine...- ten four, thanks a million. - goddamn it!- come on, sanchez. pfft... we shouldn't be here. what if somebody wantsto check out a firearm, and they don't put a dollarin the can.

[herbie zingsthen camera clicks] [zings]- will you knock it off? what? those noises, they're annoying. i don't knowwhat you're talking about. - what's that over there?- huh? [zings]- yes, see. that's the noisei was talking about. ha, ha, yeah, okay.

humans make noises too,you know. - what? we do?- yeah. after you ateall those burritos, you couldn't stopmaking noises. oh, you mean noises like this? [grunts then farts] sanchez: ha-ha-ha.- oh, scrambled eggs. - how do you do that?- scrambled eggs is right. see, we're not too differentafter all.

ugh. rainbow:hey, roxy. oh, hi, rainbow.sonny, ain't here. i wanna talk to you. yeah? what is it? rainbow:come away with me. leave sonny.i want you to be my girl. i'm smart. i can take the cash i have nowand do anything with it.

i can buildan amazing life for us. well, um, this is... this is crazy, ha, ha. herbie: look, there's the carfrom strokey zoom's home video. see, when i ran the plate, all i was able to getwas this address. come on.let's get a closer look. herbie, wait for me--i don't even have a gun. fucking...

i have to have you, roxy. i know you feel somethingfor me. when we're together,i can feel the electricity. so... my right hand guyin love with my girl... [laughing] rainbow and roxy. now that is some silly shit. ha-ha-ha, jake, guys...

jake, you got to see this. [sonny and roxy laugh] you do have to admit, rainbow,it is pretty silly, ha-ha-ha. sonny: get this, rainbow here,he was, uh... he, ha, ha... he was gonna propose to roxy. [sonny, roxyand henchmen laugh] [jake, sonny, roxyand henchmen laugh] what's the matter, rainbow? i thought puppets like to laugh,ha-ha-ha.

sonny:oh, wait a minute, wait... say the part againabout the, uh... the electricity! ha-ha-ha. - static electricity.roxy: oh, boy! [jake, sonny, roxyand henchmen laughing] herbie:scrambled eggs. sonny russo and rainbow brown? but he'sjust a two-bit street dealer. this proves there's more goingon here than anyone thought.

all right, we got your let's get out of here. oh, well, look at them, sanchez. best friends,just laughing it up. - they're having a really--man: hey, who's out there? [herbie zingsand sanchez farts] so, what do you say now, chief? you know, herbie,when i first made you detective, some people told mei had made a mistake. - ha, you don't say, chief?- yes.

they said a fluff-headlittle puppet couldn't follow simple ordersor obey simple commands. well, a puppet can do anythinga human can do. uh, herbie... well, if that's the case,would you mind telling me what the hell were you thinking? sonny russo is apersonal friend of the mayor's! but chief,i was just trying my best to-- you are not supposedto be doing anything!

you're on indefinite suspension,effective immediately. - but chief...- chief, it's really not fair. and you,are you shitting me, sanchez? it's like you hada fucking lobotomy. do you knowhow to wipe your own ass? [sad music playing] give me your badge and gun. [badge and gun clunk] ah, don't give me that crap.i found you at red lobster.

that's where you wind upif you don't watch your mouth. i thought you were a friend. but you'rejust like everyone else. you're high on your own beans,you stupid mitten. nobody talks to me like that! don't move. what do you wanna do? shoot me? you worthless piece of fluff. me and roxy are gonna leave.

sonny:roxy, make us some drinks. and use the good scotch. it gonna be rainbow's last! [gun fires then roxy screams] [sonny groans] [footsteps approaching] uncle sonny! you just made the biggestmistake of your life. kill it![guns cock]

[puppets zing then guns cock] henchman:oh, no. [henchman sighs] [guns cock] you just got to know one thing,rainbow. jake... drop the balloon, jake. [puppets cheering] wait, guys, guys...he's getting away!

you better run, jake.this town is mine now. do you hear me? mine! fear grips the hearts of puppets and humansalike tonight as a waveof gang-related violence has swept over the city. puppet on human killings have inflamed tensions that haven't been felt since the flutsy wutsy police beating tapes release.

a source close to the city's unpopular chief of police claims she plans to reach out to the puppet community. but the word on the street is that no end to the killing is in sight. [people screamthen woman screams] no one knows who is ultimately behind these deadly gang actions on either side. but it is feared they are motivated by racial hatred. [rainbow laughs]

until more is known, the mayor's office is urging citizens to stay inside their homes and neighborhoods as much as possible. mm, you're so soft. so are you. this is snooper p. snoopsfor the snoopers report. back to you, jan. i wanna see felts flying.double patrols in p-town.

anything soft and fuzzy, i want shaken downand squeezed for info. i don't care if stitchesget split in the process. i want results. uh, chief, i have an idea. does in involve a blow-up dollfilled with lasagna? all: ha-ha-ha.- no, it doesn't. spit it out, goddamn it. what do you want? a dollarfor the vending machine?

uh, no, i was just thinking maybe we could getherbie back and... [everyone grumbles] herbie? when are you twogetting married? [everyone laughs] beat it, shell monkey. [ships horn blaring] herbie? herbie, i need your help,but the chief said i need to--

oh, no. uhn. - oh, you puppets look the same.- please, don't kill me. wait a minute, that's it.oh, thanks, mwah. i can't believei didn't think of this earlier. please, don't go. as crime in the city continues to escalate, puppets and humans alike are asking [doorbell rings] who can stop it.

abigail:herbie, could you get that? [herbie jr. mumbling] herbie, i've got a-- oh, sorry. - where's herbie?abigail: sanchez. - what are you doing here?- oh, herbie! six weeks-- herbie, crime's out of control, and you're the only onewho can stop it. please, sanchez, herbie isn'tthe only cop in the city.

he has to put his family first. yeah. [herbie and herbie jr. laugh] his name is herbie jr. [herbie snickers] oh, hi. sanchez: but that's just are the only one. all right,you have to go undercover. no human cop can do it,

because all puppetslook the same. oh, that's so racist, sanchez. besides, i'm suspended. i can't. sanchez:herbie, think about it. you could becomethis awesome renegade cop, wear a sweet leather duster. you could break all the rules. i could never do that sanchez.

if i break the rules, i sink as low as the crooksi'm trying to stop. yeah, i guess that makes sense. herbie:i'm really sorry, sanchez. i am too, buddy, i am too. oh, but... - never mind.- wait, what is it? - yeah, what is it, sweetie?- mm-mm. uh, you can tell us, abigail.

i promise nothing badwill happen to me. you don't have to violateyour suspension if, pursuantto police general order 69, section 7, paragraph c,you become a civilian informant. - yeah.- ha! you know, i think she's right. - i'm in.- yes, all right-- wait, how did you know that?

so sexist, sanchez. i'm the criminal prosecutor.i'm just on maternity leave. oh, sorry, ma'am. don't you worryabout your husband herbie. i'll take care of him.i've got years of experience-- sanchez: oh, your upstairsneighbors are 69-ing. hmm, do i really haveto wear a wire? no one will find it. they're gonna believeyou're a real hoodlum.

well, there's just one problem. if rainbow brown is mixed upin all of this, he kind of knows me. we were best friends, growing upin the mean streets of p-town. back in those days, we sangsongs in the corner for nickels. [organ music playing] [singing in unison] dear old pal we'll always be together we're old pals

through hell and stormy weather i'll be true you're my pal and i'm yours too i'd lay down my life for you herbie: but life was hard. jellybeans were destroying the neighborhood. crime was out of control. give me that, ha-ha-ha. - hey, give that back.- come on, herbie, don't...

[both grunting] herbie, we can't let that meanytake our nickels no more. oh, there's a police officer manover there. he'll help us. no way, herbie, we've gotto stand up for ourselves or elsethey'll never leave us alone. but the police officer manhas got a shiny badge and a hat. herbie, he's getting away! oh... oh... i was so nervous talking to that cop.

it took me a little while to explain what happened. by the time we caught up to rainbow, it was too late. [rainbow gruntsthen meany groans] meany:oh, stop, oh... meany: oh...rainbow: ugh, no! herbie! when rainbow finally got out, he was different. he became a dealer, just like that onesthat ruined p-town.

and our friendship was over. if rainbow browncan recognize you, i don't knowwhat we're gonna do. the answer isright under your nose. - oh, what...?- oh, look at this. a tiny little cute disguise. and we can put the wireless mikeright underneath it. - oh...- ugh. sanchez:check it out.

wow, abigail,how did you do it? i made itout of your favorite coat. come home safe, and i'll sew itback together, honey. you know what?you guys are so cute together. - oh, ha, ha.- yeah. [roxy sniffs] [both moaning] - oh, rainbow...- oh... [both sighing]

- roxy?- mm? we're best friends, right? - we're more than friends, baby.- ha, ha, yeah. yeah, good. hey, are you gonna buy mea new fur coat? the last one ran away, because it was alive,you big dummy. ha, ha, hey hey. hey, hey, hey,i got work to do.

[grumbles] [gasps]- hey. jake turned into a balloon. - oh, boy!- oh, boy, yeah! [both laugh] [both groaning] damn himand his shiny, shiny balloons. that's the fourth timethat jake's outsmarted us, and he's an idiot!

i wanna hear new ideas! [sasha squeaking] no, no, that will never work. we don' have accessto that level of explosives. i got an idea, boss. we need to upgradeour firepower. look at this piece,it lacks the caliber and range to successfully terminatea target such as jake. i'm talkingarmor piercing rounds,

rocket propelled grenadessurface to air missiles... space lasers...we need weaponry. wizo:boss, boss, i got a message. jake just hijackedone of our heroin boats, and beat all of our guysto death. everyone, get out! and don't come back until you've hadsome good ideas! and just to be safe, if you see

any suspicious-lookinghumans around, kill them. [shudders] little nick: and despitewhat the general public might... this is herbie calling sanchez.i have the target in sight. little nick: of course, you gotto take recoil into account. herbie [on headphones]:i'm approaching them, cover me . little nick [on headphones]: don't get me wrong, this gun is bigger.

but is it big enough? herbie:hey, yo there, guys. - what's the haps?- huh? hey, i've never seen you before. i got some beans i gotta move, and i heard your bossis the guy. well, maybe he is,and maybe he isn't. maybe he was, maybe he does... maybe we don't even gota boss.

- yeah.- maybe we're unemployed. this is just a sam--whoop, ha, ha. [evidence sticker rips] this is just a sample. let me talkto whoever is in charge. oh, you want to talkto rainbow brown. [herbie gasps]- hey. yeah, sure, whatevs. nah, i got a better idea.

- grab him.- oh, yeah. [herbie screams] felt fight,felt fight, felt fight! [foreboding music playing] [crowd cheering] [growling] [screams] no, wait, wait, wait!wait, i don't wanna fight! i don't wanna fight!i'm just here to sell drugs!

i'm just a drug seller, i'm...and i'm selling drugs! i just want to sell drugsto as many drug users as i can! hey, look out!i just wanna sell drugs! hey, this felt fighting...this fighting is crazy! [hank shudders] huh? huh? [crowd jeers] rainbow:i like this puppet's style. bring him back to the mansion.

oh, and he's right.this felt fighting is crazy. kill all those human scumbagsand shut it down. sure thing, boss. [people screaming] little nick: those were somenice moves you had out there. i was really impressed. herbie:ha, ha, what? me? little nick:don't worry. you seem just likethe rule-breaking renegade type

he likes to have around. well, i've never even returneda library book, ha, ha. come on, the boss is waiting. [sasha sqeaks] go and get them, buddy... [pants] [gasps]- hey, mister. are you some kindof suspicious-looking human? uh, no, i'm a puppet.

a puppet made out of meat. oh, well, that's okay. i love you just the way you are. don't let anybodytell you different. so you're the street dealer who doesn't likefelt fighting, huh? ha, ha, well, i'm interestedin one thing, man, getting rich selling beans. i gotta say...

you seem familiar. we met someplace before? maybe in the joint? ha, no, no, no.i just got into town. well, you picked a bad time. there's a war going on between usand jake russo's fleshbag gang. you can't trust anybody. you could be a spyor an assassin.

oh, no, no, no. no, not me.i'm just a puppet with a dream. i heard aboutabout how you were making it big and i wanted to meet you. maybe we could be friends. what's your name? um, flerbie. - flerbie.- mm-hm. flerbie.

you know, flerbie, i used to think that this racketwas all about friendships too. buy beans from one guy,sell them to another. but i was wrong. oh, you were? it's about working for jake? huh? what...?hey, what gives? - are you working for jake?- no. how about the cops?you wearing a wire?

huh? ha, ha, no. uh, don't be silly.of course not. - strip him.- huh? no... what? oh, no, hey, cut it out. stop, hey... could you...? [herbie pants] - clean as a whistle, boss.[sasha squeaks] saw the way you handled yourselfin the ring...

impressive. oh, thanks, ha, ha. you're smart.i need a puppet like you. so, what do you say?think we can be friends? oh, ha, ha, uh... - yeah, it would be an honor.- great, you're in. [wizo cheers then laughs] aah, scrambled eggs,that's good. rainbow:single malt root beer.

not bad for a mittenfrom p-town, eh, flerbie? - ha, no, sir.- please. call me rainbow. roxy: oh, rainbow,they're playing our song. - come dance with me.- not now, roxy. i'm talkingto my new pal, flerbie. - ha, ha.- hey, you're smart. what are we gonna doabout that fleshbag snake-in-the-grass jake?

that rump roastis the only thing standing between meand total control of the city. oh, really? um... tell me more about him. i should have killed himwhen i had the chance. he set me up, you know.the massacre... you were set up? i can trust you, right, flerbie? herbie:huh? well, yeah, sure you can.

- well, here, have some.- oh... oh, no, no,, no, i really shouldn't. come on, be a pal. well, you know, it's not really my, uh,my thing. - i mean today, ha, ha.- ha, ha. come on, flerbie, loosen up. [indistinct dialogue] rainbow:yeah.

[sighing] herbie:oh, ha, ha, ha. whoa... so here's what happened. jake comes to me,says he's got a job. i got a jobfor your lazy luffa ass. rainbow: i knew something was fishy from the get-go. but what was i gonna do? say no? take these beans to room 128and get the money now.

if you come backwithout the money, you're dead. anyway, i'd rather be dead than slinging beans on the corner for the rest of my life. right, flerbie? we open at the same time,on three. one... - two, three.- two, three. - huh?- oh, no! where's the beans?

somebody set me up. i'm gonna get you your beans. i just needto take this money first. you think we're numbskulls? touch that case,you'll die today, mitten. hmm. huh? hey! [zinging]

[squeals] [rainbow pants thenuncle stiffy screams] [screaming] uncle stiffy. owie! my footsie-wootsie. [cries and grunts] hey, hot stuff.what's all the commotion? jake. [gun fires]

[gun clicking] uh... ahh! jake was right about one thing. this was my big chance. i played the good little soldier. made sure sonny knew i could be trusted. now who's the fuck tart? ha-ha-ha, we did it, herbs.

i recorded itjust like you said. now we have all the evidencewe need to put rainbow brown behind barsfor the p-town massacre. boom! ha, ha. keep it down. look, it's not over, sanchez. - hah. i'm going back.- what? rainbow's organized allthe puppet gangs. the seventh avenue spellers,

the letters and numbers mafia,the banana brothers. wait, the banana brothers? - those guys are loco .- yeah, that's right. now he's at warwith sonny's nephew, jake. if we arrest rainbow now,jake will take over and things will go right backto the way they were before. we have to take them both down. don't you see? we could end all crime.

end all crime? herbie,are you sure you're okay? [crashes and cats caterwaul] hah, hah, look, i've gotta go. wait, herbie. - your mustache.- oh, right. don't worry, partner.just wait for my signal. [whispers]i have a plan. [sinister music plays]

truce? what do you mean truce? no, it's just a pretend truce. act like a dumb puppet. then when jake shows upand everyone is in one place... [crickets chirping] would you believei was just a little mitten growing up in p-town? me and my best pal usedto do shows in the street corner to try to get some extra cash?

dear old pal - you know that one?- me? no. no, i, uh...i never heard of it. you kind of remind me of him. because you're such a good pal. oh. ha, ha.'re my pal too, rainbow. thanks, herbie. that was his name, herbie.

oh, i can't believei almost forgot his name. boy, have i got to cut down. rainbow, come on. you said we could go out tonightand party. plans change. fine! stay with your littlemitten friend. god! oh, look at you.a couple of faggots. i hope you choke on his dick!ha! fuck it! damn it, shit.

don't worry about her, flerbie. you're my best friend now,right? yeah, sure. best friends, rainbow. i'll think about your plan. i'm glad i found you, flerbs. you get me. [breathes deeply] anyway, let's do some beans.

hey, beans. ha-ha-ha. abigail:i only know puppet recipes. i hope you like it. mm, looks tasty. thank you. well, go's gonna get cold. oh, hey, herbie says he's sorryhe couldn't make it. he really misses youand herbie jr. a lot. mm. bon appĆ£©tit.

[sighs and sniffs] is that bubblegum? - mm-hm.- it's delicious. [sniffs] licorice? [sobs] that was his favoritehamburger pudding. [cries uncontrollably] to crime and other rewardsthat it brings.

hah. that was the bestice cream cake i have ever had. only the finestfor my best friend, flerbie. i used to be your best friend. do you ever shut up? [violin music playing] [people chattering] ha, ha, well, so, uh, have you thought about my plananymore, rainbow? we get you and jakein the same space and then we--

[snorts and laughs] you're crazyif you think you can stop jake. here we go. you'll never stop him. - know why?- why? because i'm a puppet? - because you're a loser.- you're a whore. - yeow!- aah! rainbow? woman 1:oh, my god.

ouch. [people laughing] woman 1:oh, oh, oh. what are you looking at? you looking at the puppet show? you want the puppetto make you laugh? well then take a good lookat the show then. because the next time you seea puppet like me, i might be shoving a gunin your mouth!

waiter:more root beer, sir. premium reserve. two bottles. but of course. [whispering]sanchez. uh, i'll be right back. what in almond's nameare you doing? herbie, it's me, sanchez. - i'm in disguise.- no poop, sherlock. abigail is worried.

you can kill the wholeoperation, you big doo-doo head. [in normal voice]hey, watch it, fuzz face. i'm looking out for you. i'm three stitches awayfrom single-handedly taking down the two biggest drug dealersin the city. single-handedly?i thought we were partners. what the hell is this? hah, i'm undercover.what do you expect me to do? you're in too deep, herbie.

- you're in too deep.- ugh! why don't you go backto that closet where you belong and leave the real police workto me. hah. hey, rainbow. uh, you, uh... you gonna go after roxy there? who needs her? okay, ha, ha. you're my best friend, flerbie.

- oh, that's great.- a toast. to my best and only friend. - rainbow brown?rainbow: yeah. [herbie gasps]who wants to know? this is from jake. - hah, hah, hah.- i'll kill you, jake. okay, we gotta get out of here. i'll kill you! who's he calling a dum-dum?

uh, who's this? we think he works for jake. i want you to see what he knows. wake up, skin sack. oh, where am i? you. i know you! - no. hah.- yeah! - you're the fuzz--- what do you know about jake? - this is police brutali-- aah!- tell me about jake.

hah! where is he? - aah!- whoa, whoa, flerbie. take it easy. yeah, i guess i-- guess i don'tknow my own strength. he's still breathing. and you can have another goat him later. i'm gonna take a quick dipon the ball pit. [pants and coughs] herbie:sanchez, are you monitoring?

i'm sorry. i didn't mean it. i don't know what came over me. wizo! get in here! rainbow:what's he saying? wizo:um, let me see here. oh, ha, ha. he's saying:"i'm sorry, sanchez. help me take downrainbow brown--" ha, ha.well, that's you, boss, uh...

"because weare best friend partners. we are cops." [rainbow pants] herbie! aah! what are you--what are you gonna do, boss? abigail:mama? say, "mama". [baby mumbles] [knocks]

man:pizza delivery. i didn't order any pizza. aah! [sea gulls squawk] rainbow:all right, listen up, everybody. jake's gone too farand at the end of the day, it's either gonna be him or us. and none of you bozos were ableto come up with a good plan. - aah.- oh, no. except my pal flerbie here.

[all cheer] we're gonna meet with jakeand get a truce. [all boo] don't. that's crazy. no, you dummies. we're not reallygonna make a truce. we're gonna take them outonce and for all. oh? we're meetingin neutral territory.

melty's ice cream. i go in, they pat me down. but i got a guy at melty's who serves me a banana splitwith a .22 in it. bam. but boss, that's too dangerous. you'll never make it out alivewith just a .22. oh, boss. and what do you think, flerbie?

ha, ha.i think that's a great plan. that's why i like you, flerbie. you're loyal. get ready, everyone. we move tonight. [whispers]sanchez, scrambled eggs. this is serious now.melty's ice cream. yeah,it's all going down tonight. elvira,

marry me. still drunk. they don't know we're... [burps] [truck horn wails] i'm coming for you,little buddy. i'm sorry. i mean, we... abigail? baby herbie jr.

hello? herbie: sanchez, where are you? it's going down at melty's tonight. it's time. it's time. oh, aah! aah! herbie:ah, here we are. two best friendson their way to a blood bath. - ha-ha-ha.- ha, ha.

maybe you really should makea truce with jake. why do so many peoplehave to die over jelly beans? don't worry. i'm not gonna be the onegoing in there to kill jake. - you're not?- no. you are, herbie. huh? ha, ha, my name's flerbie. - cut the crap.- ow! what do you gotta say now,cop?

uh, you're under arrest? it's herbie and all the guys. they're getting ice cream. you look drunker than usualbarging in here. better have a good explanationfor this one. chief, there really isthis time. i'll explain. it better not have anythingto do with you and herbie mounting some kindof renegade operation to crackthat puppet massacre case

i specifically told you to drop. oh. uh-- because youare one baby dick hair away from your pension. and then i'll never have to deal with your pathetic excusefor police work ever again. - wait! no, chief.- goddamn it. - i don't wanna hear anymore.- no, chief. let me finish for once, okay?

i know i'm the worst copin the force, okay? you don't haveto constantly remind me. i know. that accidental shooting?it wasn't an accident at all. there's no faulty trigger. i shot that kid on purpose because i thoughthe was a ghost. anyway, i may have given uptrying a long time ago. i know you want me to just takemy pension and get out of here. but right now,we need to do something

because herbie's undercoverand he needs my help. so you better give me backmy gun. okay, sit. all you had to do was ask. [tires screech] show him, wizo. [sasha squeaksthen abigail grunts] - hah! abigail.- uh! you morons are in violation ofso many statutes of puppet law,

i don't know where to start. statute 37 through 60.transportation of-- mm! mm! you wanted to bea big time drug dealer, well, here's your chance. the gun's hiddenin the banana split. i'll give you five minutes. the amount of timeit takes ice cream to melt. otherwise, your kid'sgonna grow up like us.

in an orphanage. [1920s music playing] he's clean. so you're rainbow'snew best friend, huh? uh, yeah. something like that. - ice cream?- uh... sure, i'll have a banana split. [sneers] so you wanna negotiate a truce.

i used to come to this placewhen i was a kid. my uncle would bring me. then all the puppets startedto move into the neighborhood. crowding up the place, playing their kazoos, spilling ice creams. i hate spilled ice creams. - there's not gonna be a truce.- huh? i'm gonna killevery last one of you.

i'm sorry. looking for this? the old double cross. you know, the key is not tolet it slip what you're up to. now i wonder who could havepossibly told me about that. [snickers] mm, sorry, flerbie. but you gotta understand. a girl like mehas got to be with a winner.

- right, jakey?- that's right, baby. - you gonna kill him already?- i'm try-- i'm-- i'm attempting to do thatright now. if you just shut your mouthfor one goddamn second while i'm trying to work. trying to impress your puppetfriend talking to me like that? - come on!- i know what i'm doing! jeez! let him have it, boys.

- oh.- hah. [whispers]fucking puppet. [in normal voice]kill him. [herbie whimpers] [whimpers] [chokes] [gun firing] aah! abigail:statute 80-c.

jeopardizing the welfare of a puppet or non-puppetinfant under the age of-- sasha, go make surethey're both dead. and bring me a scoopof rum raisin. yes, sir, mr. brown, sir.[sasha squeaks] ah. [gunfire] no, thanks. herbie, it's me.

it's sanchez, your partner.don't shoot me. what the hell happenedin here? - damn, ha, ha.- sanchez. where are you? what happenedto all the gang guys? sanchez, get down. huh. just give me a reasonto blow this man's head off. oh, you do thatand i'll blow you so hard. blow your head. blow your head, get it.

sanchez? okay. - for agape.- shut up! you, drop itand kick it over to me. i'm gonna take the shot. - no, do not take the shot.- don't take the shot. no. kind of got it,that's why i'm doing it. sanchez,you haven't been allowed to carry a gun for ten years. - what? come on.- huh, oh.

you drop itor the puppet is gonna die! fine. just don't hurt him, all right? ha-ha-ha![whimpers] oh! did you see that? ha-ha-ha! not bad for drunkand hungover. amazing shot, sanchez. but rainbow brownhas abigail outside. oh, don't worry.back-up and everything is here.

we got abigail, she's he dead? scrambled eggs. thanks, partner. [police siren wails] you like squatting? i've dated a lot of cops,you know. good job, herbs. you really did end all crimein the city. ha, ha. you mean, we did. hey, ha, ha, i didn't knowyou could shoot like that.

eh, it's been ten yearsin the firing range. - mostly why--- hey, uh, where's abigail? - uh, she's right over here.- oh, good. huh. that's not abigail. - are you sure? she's pink.- oh, you're so racist, sanchez. jake:you can't arrest me, come on. aah! take me to the hospital.i'm a respected-- man 1:man down, man down. man 2:somebody call the medic.

[screeches] abigail! oh. give me that bike. how do you start this thing?he's getting away. sanchez, help me.he's getting away. i got you, little buddy. now hold on. - hey, little nick? yeah.- how dare you, maniac. we gotta make a getaway.yeah, plan b.

shut up, bitch! - we lost them.- it's okay. i'm pretty sure i knowwhere he's going, sanchez. - all right, which direction?- uh, left. left? maybe we should makea right if you like. no, we gotta bring them back. sanchez:fine, we'll go your way. hah! what was that? i fell like we ran over a bagof dry leaves or something.

okay, when we getto the mansion, i'll go in after abigail,you cover the rear. - you cover the rear.- just drive. [both shout] - uh...- all set for plan b, boss. - so, uh, where are we going?- watch these two. anyone comes through this door,kill them. [both gasp]oh, boy. i got just the thing.

okay, heli, fire it up. hotdog. i've been waitingfor this day my whole life. hah, hah, abigail! - mm, mm.- abigail, i'm sorry. - herbie, no, it's a trap.- what? say helloto rainbow's little friend. me. [both gasp]ha-ha-ha. whoa! [bullets clink]

[herbie pantsthen abigail gasps] oh, herbie, you saved us. abigail, stay here. herbie? herbie! here we go, rainbow. i love you. you're under arrest, rainbow. mr. helicopter, land immediately or i will be forcedto open fire.

not a chance, pig.move it, heli. [heli groans] it doesn't have to be like this,rainbow. if you cooperate, i'll make sureyou get a fair trial. you always side with the humans,herbie. they sent me to prison. locked me away with the animals. you don't have to trust them,rainbow. just trust me. but you, you ratted me out.

after i made parole,i couldn't find work. i had to sell beans. and you, you wouldn't even say"howdy do" to me. hey, rainbow, you remember that old song weused to sing when we were kids? shut up, herbie. no, i'm not doing it. herbie, shut up. you're my pal and i'm yours too

[in unison] dear old - pal.- hah! [rainbow screams] [heli explodes] huh. rainbow! [cries] but i didn't do anything wrong. what are you doing to me?i didn't...

[shouts] over 700 pounds of jelly beanswere recovered from the scene, say police spokespeoplewho are calling this the biggest bust in puppetand human organized crime in this city's history. and i, for one, must admit that this puppet crimetask force has had a huge victory today which i, for one, must say...

[cameraman snickers] - hey, where are you going?cameraman: oh, yeah, herbs. slip her the tongue. ha-ha-ha. have a little backdoor action. hey, hey, hey, get back here.get back here. now you focus on me, i said.this is for my pulitzer. well, it doesn't even say"probationary" on it with marker anymore, ha-ha-ha. and you are fully clearto carry your piece.

i never thought i'd say thisbut good job, sanchez. thank you, chief. so now, this officially begins the new permanentpuppet crimes task force. not bad for a burnout drunk and a three-foot pile of felt,huh, herbs? ha, yeah. i can't believewe actually stopped all crime. - yeah, ha, ha, we did.- yeah. we got another one, chief.

another one what? take a look, detectives. [yelps] that is a puppet body part. chief:i was afraid of this. what's going on? we've got a puppet serial killeron our hands. and you two idiots are the only onesthat can stop him.

- scrambled eggs.- holy shit.

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