Saturday, September 3, 2016

puppets central park

[energizing music ♪] [jive voice] jeff dunham,i'm talking to you, my man. this is yo' nightand this is yo' time. you gonna put the smack downon that crowd like 50 cent. uh... you gonnaget it crunk like usher. like the ushers? aww man.i gotta think, white. think, white. you mean, eh, going todo well like toby keith.

huh? i think i get it. you my man, jeff. thanks, sweet daddy. group hug? what? uh... okay, jeff,you can put me down now. uh, w-we got a show to do. t-their waitin' for ya.

oh... shit. ♪♪ [announcer] ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, jeff dunham! [cheers, applause] thank you! thank you so much! all right!

you... you are assuming way too much,ladies and gentlemen. but thanks for comingout tonight. i am happy to bein orange county. i'm happy to be in santa ana. my mother-in-lawhad a dance studio she had this dance studiofor thirty years. she owned it and she ran it. a few months ago,she was four days away

from closing the saleon the dance studio. she was going to takethe money, retire,and be independent. live out the rest of her life. then the hurricanes came. guess where my mother-in-law'sdance studio was. west palm beach, florida. guess who's livingwith me and my familynow in los angeles. i'll say it again. i'm happy to be in santa ana!

where's chris rockwhen you need the man? mmm. ... it's me, my wife,three little girls, three female dogs,two female rats, one female fish,now, my mother-in-law, and as a bonus,my sister-in-law. i'm growing a uterusas we speak. the only other malein the household is my golden retriever, bill,

and they had him neutered. oh, it was very sad. i came home after being gonefor about five days, i walked in the front doorand bill's lying on the couch. he look's up like,[whimpering] "dude... you're not gonna believewhat they did to me." run! [cell phone ringing][sweet daddy] who 'dis? ooh, ladies, meet mein the green room.- our daughters now are...

... eight, ten, and, god forbid,fourteen years of age. [audience groans]thanks for your sympathy. my wife and i recognizethat we are that we are living on the verge of hell. because, from whati understand, when women livein the same house, apparently godhas a sense of humor. because eventually theirbiological time-clocks synchronize.

so i know when all my daughtersget to be that age, i'll be sitting on the phonewith my agent every threeand a half weeks going, "you gotta get methe hell out of here!" my office door will be lockedand all i'll hear is... [imitating scraping sound] [sinister voice]"daddy... let us in." bill will besitting next to me, "don't open the door!"

well, i know some of you knowwhat's going on this evening. i have little peoplein boxes and, uh... i got to tell you, the way security isat the airport's nowadays when you try and check inwith a small personin your luggage... they stop ya. most airports nowadays havethe sophisticated equipmentfor checking your luggage. they have like big mri's. they can checkthe contents, the materials.

but some of the smallerairports don't. we all know burbank airport,just north of here a few miles, don't have all thesophisticated stuff. they still have to hand-checka lot of luggage. i was in lineabout three and a half weeksago early one morning. very crowded. and most people when you getyour luggage hand-checked, it's no big deal. they might pull outyour underwear like, "ooh."

but for me,they're pulling out dolls. i told him not to do that joke. and i figured outthe way they decide whose luggage they'regonna hand-check is a complete judgement callon these guys' parts. they look at you and theydecide and apparently i lookedlike a terrorist with a trunk. the guy says, "sir,we gotta look in that trunk. i'm like, "ehh, we go." so he takes the big trunkand he puts it on topof the silver table.

he opens it up and the firstthing he pulls out is oneof my little guys, peanut. you'll see himin a little while. you might know peanut. but he pulls peanut outand he's like, "hey." people in line are like, "hey!"and i'm like, "ohh." now, they have these swabsand they swab whateverit is they're looking at. they then takethe piece of material, they put it in the analyzer, it then checks to see if yourstuff has come into contactwith anything dangerous.

chemicals... whatever. so the guy haspeanut in one hand, swab in the other-- this is all's too stupid to make up. he could've swabbed peanuton the head, on the foot... no. in front of god and everybody,swabs his butt. just like that, now... i know it's only a puppetbut i work with the guy. there's a relationship here!

and i'm sitting therewatching this and the first thingi find myself thinking is, "you sick bastard! what... ... the hell? why you wipingmy friend's butt?" he then takes the swab,puts it in the machine, shuts the door,i think we're finished. we start to put things away. suddenly the little machinegoes... [imitates buzzer]

three more guys come out, they had me upagainst the wall, they're checking my id, they're doing a backgroundcheck on the internet, they're going throughall my stuff. it takes 15 minutes. now we're finished. everything was fine. then we startto put things back.

and then i start to think,"what the hell... ... was on peanut's butt... ... that labeled me,the potential terrorist?" this is all true.and i asked the guy, and he goes, "well, it's allin the code on the computer. let's see."[imitates typing] and he goes, uh,"that would be, uh, military gradeplastic explosives. and i go...[awkward chuckles]

"what?" and he goes,"well, sometimes the machineconfuses lotion for that." and i went...[nervous chuckles]"no... there's... no... lotion... on the puppet's ass! i had been buildingbombs in my garage. ya caught me, skippy. thanks forstraightening me out." i don't ever want to go throughthe burbank airport again. there's only a small numberof these guys thatdo all the checking

i know next timei go through, they'll allbe standing in a group and one of them willpoint and go, "there he is. there's the gay puppet bomber. there is lotionon his puppet's ass!" now, uh, you two girlsare twins, right? now ladies and gentlemen,i have a few guysto introduce to you tonight. the first guy, i met years agowhen i was still in college. and he is a vietnam war veteran

and he was a welder at the time and he had been marriedfor many, many years, and he was just tiredof being in the houseand wanted to get out. he saw what i did on weekends. he thought it would be funjust to get up in frontof people and... and just talk and give his points of viewson all kinds of subjects. so we tried it a few times, i thought he was great.we've been a team ever since. please help mewelcome my old friend, walter.

shut the hell up! duuh! walter, are you happyto be here? oh, overjoyed! last week i was lyingon a beach in mauiand i couldn't decide, "gee, should i stay hawaii, or go to frickin' santa ana? my god, i can die happy, now. fine city.- i don't give a damn.

what's wrong with you? i don't's hot as hell outside, my skin's all dry and itchy, you put me in a sweater, sure as hell notgonna ask you for lotion. you know, you don'thave to do this. yeah, i could get a real job. yeah, well--[chuckles] what would you do?

i wanna bea greeter at walmart. what the hell's so funny? at walmart?what would beyour opening line? oh... [clears throat]welcome to walmart. get your shit and get out. have a nice day. anything else wrong?- i don't know. my wife and i couldn't findany place to park anywherenear this stinkin' joint. then some jerk pulled upin a brand new mercedes,

goes rightin the handicapped spot. he got out of the carand there was nothingwrong with him. don't you hate that? [audience]yeah! so i ran his ass over. i made an honest manout of him. then his mothergot out the other side and started swingingher crutches at me. [laughs turn to groans]

took her out with the door. don't you feel kind of bad? aww, hell,they can carpool. good thing the policedidn't see you. i ain't afraid of the copsaround santa ana. you seen some of these guys?- what? cops on bicycles. what's wrong with that? how intimidating is this?

"all right buddy.pull it over!"[imitates dinger] what do they dowhen they arrest somebody? "all right, in the basket." yes ladies, i wrote that joke. yeah, you can tellthe rookie cops, they got playing cardsin their spokes. "halt!"[imitating card flicking] so your wife's in town?- oh yeah. she having a good time?- she always has a good time.

good. pisses me off. she's a lovely lady. she's gettin' old. well, women age like... ... like fine wine. she's aging like milk. did you guys get inanother argument this morning? yeah.- what happened?

i don't know.she rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle, and ran my ass over. never heard it putquite that way before. oh, it even has a sound. it goes, nag, nagnag,nag, nag, nag... biiitch!bitch, biiiitch! how long have you been married? uh, what is it now?

uh, 46 years. ah, what was the happiestmoment of your life? 47 years ago. how long you been married? uh, 15 years. you'll see. i'll see what? remember when you said,"till death do us part?"- yeah. later you'll realize you'reactually setting a goal.

walter, what exactlyis marriage to you? it's like drinking a slurpee.- slurpee-- first couple of sips is like,"boy, it's really good. i'm glad i did this!" then you keep drinking, it goesright to your head, and you go, "ow, ow, ow! the hell was i thinking? someone kill me, please!" it eventually it stops hurting.

yeah, then you're stupid enoughto take another frickin' sip! ain't the same anymore is it?- what? being married all these years.- why? you can't lookat other women now, you can't talk to them,you can't do nothing. [chuckles]what are you talking about? i'll show youwhat i'm talking about. see this lovely young ladysitting right herein the front row? this gorgeous young thing?- ye--

do you see her?- ye-- do you see her!?- yeah... oh, well. only thing you can do now is run to the endof your chain and bark. getting married is kindalike buying a new car.- a new car. you know when you see thatcar on the showroom floorjust before you take it home? yeah? that's as goodas it's ever gonna look.

pretty soon, it'll havedents and scratches, parts start to go bad. then the new models come out,and you're like... [wailing] "honey, can i just sit in it?" no, remember...[barks, whines] walter, how's the love life? you mean sex?- yeah. i'm married you moron! i'm too old, too.

you're not too old. how would you know? well, i don't know, but i doknow i had grandparents who, well into their 80's,were still having fun. their 80's?- yeah. good god. what the hellkind of sex is that? [straining voice]"was it good for you?" "uh, i can't remember."

"we just finished!" "eh, who are you?" walter, are you tryingto tell me there's nothing sexually goingon between you and your wife? it's very difficult.she gripes about everything. like what? eh, she said i don't makethe right noises during sex. well... sorry to hear that. wanna hear what i do?

[nervous chuckle] n-no. all right,you talked me into it. now, wait a minute-- now be careful, these are gonnabe kind of pornographic. "get... off. i can't seethe weather channel! get the hell off!" oh, now that's funny. wait, no it's not.

you know, walter, i knowyou know better than i do, but, i mean, is there anykind of foreplay for you guys? foreplay?at our age? yeah, it's come down to,"hey, wake up." you know whatoral sex for us is?- what? she screams, "screw you,"and i yell, bite me." come on, walter, at your age,how do you keep thingsfresh in the bedroom? febreze? i don't know.

my wife and i heardthat coffee's good for your sex life.- coffee? yeah.- is it? no, it kept me awakefor the whole damn thing. i actually had to participate. doctor said it's badfor my heart, too. all the caffeine. no, seeing my wife naked. that's awful.

oh, you've seen her, too?- no! so is coffee goodfor the sex life or not? i don't know, but they'renever gonna let us backinto that starbucks again. well, we used a filter!- would that-- you know, walter,despite how you act, i bet when you were youngeryou were quite a ladies man. i used to chase skirtsall over the world.- really? 'till i got to scotlandand, boy, was i surprised. so you had women everywhere.

i even dated a girl in india. really?- lovely young lady. sure.- weird-ass country. what's wrong with india?- i don't know. most the women gota red dot in the middleof their forehead. the hell is that?"you are here." maybe it lights upwhen the coffee's ready. will you-- i'm sorry.

scratch it off,you frickin' win something. will you stop?! [hushed] how about this? "hey, it looks like she'svideo-taping me all the time!" as everybody wascoming in tonight, they were given an opportunityor two to ask you a question. yeah?- so before the show started, i grabbed a small handful.- yeah?

i think you should answer them. i don't give a damn. you, pal, here in the blueshirt, in the front row. did you fill one out? hello!? did... you... fill... one out?! where are you going?sit the hell down! you bastard, this is tv!

the hell?[chuckles] think he's goingto take a piss? i-- i don't... these are extensive tickets.- yeah. extensive setup,a lot of production. yeah. divide it all up,if he's gone for three minutes, he's taking a $600 piss. dumb-ass.

is he coming back?! okay. we'll wait! right... [laughter subsides] [nervous chuckles]okay... [laughter] [laughter, cheers, applause] what's that guy's first name?

mike!- mike. dumb-ass... are the speakers hooked upin the bathroom? yes they are. oh, mike! we're waiting for you, mike! kinda tough to go with allthis pressure, isn't it, mike? mike! get out!

mike's taking a long time. could be having trouble. what does mike do for a living? transportation. he--he's-- he does transportation? the hell does that mean? medical transportation! medical transportation?

the fuck is that? welcome back, dumb-ass! mike, could youhear us in there? mike? somebody pull his string,he's not talking. could youhear us in there? i couldn't hear it. oh, you couldn't... well, we could hear you.

you didn't wash your hands. back to you, asshole. stop it. i'm sorry,i'm just kidding around. what was your first name,there in the blue shirt? oh, nick! oh, nick.good to see you, nick. now, nick, what do youdo for a living? i work in construction.- oh, construction.

what kind of construction?what do you do? i work witha general contractor. oh, you work with a general-- you're notthe general contractor. you work with one.- i will be. so what is your title, nick? uh, i guess you could considerit framing and drywalling. framing... and drywalling... ah.

got anything for that, dumb-ass? you know, nick, we got jokesfor doctors, and lawyers,and even trash collectors, but the framingand drywalling guy... not in our arsenalof snappy comebacks. now, we're not gonna bothergoing home and writing any 'cause, hey, what arethe fucking odds now? it was nick, right?was it nick or m-- yeah, nick. nick and mike.mike and nick.

dumb-asses. would you be nice to the crowd? duuh. all right, now, someof the folks signed these,and some of them didn't. all right, where is,uh, valerie... what is that?- i don't know. renoo? renee? r-remny? remzee? valerie, where are ya?!

oh, hey, val--right there. "dear walter, how do you takeoff ten years to look younger?" who, me? oh, that would bethompson's water seal. this is from milton. "dear walter, my wife sitsat home all day and won't work. how can i get herto get a job?" well, milton,you're going to have to die. that'll teach the bitch.

where is nick manos?- right here! oh--oh, nick! nick says, "dear walter,you're lookinga little frustrated. when's the last timeyou got laid?" oh crap.i recognize him. that's our gay stalker. i need medical transportation! ah, uh... this is from stephen,

"dear walter, can you pleaserecommend a good proctologist?" [laughter, applause] tony whittier? oh, tony,from whittier, california. eh, pay attention you idiot. "dear walter,time and time again, i have filled outthis sheet, six times, you never answer my question. what gives?"

let's skip that one. this is from chris. it's chris, uh,it's a girl, chris. dear wal--you read this. uh, "dear walter,after nine and a half years,my boyfriend still hasn't... ... popped the question..." it says, "pooped the question." chris, you needto learn to spell, i think. how the hell do youpoop the question?

i guess you shouldlisten from the other end. "dear walter, why don'tchicken breasts have nipples?" what?! i guess 'causeif they got too cold, they poke a holein the package. new from the colonel,chicken 'n tits. "dear walter,what is one of jeff'sdeepest darkest secrets?" ooh, he has a sex blow-up doll. no i don't- yes you do.

no.- yeah, and the sick partis, he makes her talk. and, boy, does she lie. will you stop it? "dear walter, what was yourfavorite toy as a child?" dirt. and we were happy. kids nowadays,they have too much. they got the internet, they gotvideo games, computer crap. hell, they're even passing outcondoms in high schools.

did you know that?- yeah. when i was that age,we had to walk five milesto get a condom. uphill! in the snow! with a boner! oh, stop it! all right,i threw this one away 'cause i thought it waskind of, over the line, but i think we crossedthat a couple times.

you read it.- why? i just can' read it. all right, okay... "dear walter, why is it thati gag when i brush my tongue but not when i givemy boyfriend oral sex?" well, obviously,your toothbrush is bigger. and that's walter!there we go, all right! thank you so much. all right, and now,ladies and gentlemen...

[deep breath] folks, every once in a while,if you're in show business, you feel the needto reinvent yourself,redo things, make the creative juiceskeep flowing. i felt, not long ago,it was time for me to do that. so i fired my current managerand hired a new one. he's actually here this eveningand before i go any further, he wanted to come outand say a few words. we're gettingto know each other,

he's gettingto know my audiences. i think you're reallygonna enjoy him because he's a smart guy,i really respect him. please help me welcomemy new manager,sweet daddy dee. [sweet daddy]well it's about time. these folks beenwaitin' to see me, mmm... whoa! ha ha! [lip smack]

how you doing, sweet daddy? oh,'s not sweet daddy. it's sweeeeet daddy dee! well, i'm happyto call you my new manager. i'm what you call, a playain a management profession. right. pimp. you're a pimp?- that makes you the hoe. i-i'm not a whore.

what do you do for a livin'? make people laugh. make 'em feel good?- right. you the hoe. that's not right.- why do you do what you do? why? because i enjoy itand it's the best wayi know to make money. wait a minute, what if i say ido it only because i enjoy it? you the dumb hoe. so, what ideas doyou have for my career?

first thing i gotta dois school you in street. street?- word. what?- word. what word? you said, "word."- word. aww, snap.what the hell? dog, word is like,"i heard that." heard what?- oh shit. dog, you're not are neon white.

you're so white,you make barry manilowlook like a brother. wait, i like barry manilow. ooh, are you gay?- no. i heard about the lotion. i'm not gay. you're just white.- yeah. it's all good.- yeah, look... do you think thisis gonna work between us? let's make an analogy, here.

an analogy. if we were food...- food. i would be a fine summer winethat would be divine anytime. ah, what about me? every good wineneeds a cracker. oh, that's funny shitright there! you gotta laughat that shit. oh, we got a finehoochie mama right here. hello!

you lookin' to go homewith some real wood? you'd like it. i may be short, but itain't my feet holding me up. sweet daddy,w-what are you doing? i'm tryin' to findme some hoes, dog. some hoes? oh, you mean women.oh, i got it, okay. word. don't you ever do that again.

i don't knowwhat the hell that was. you just embarrassedthe hell out of everybody. even the white folkis sittin' there goin', "what the fuck was that?" you know, us black folkgot a sayin', "stay black." i got some advice for you.- what? stay white. all right, look, look.

i know a lotof white people emulatethe african american culture to make themselves seem cooler. yeah, yeah, us black folkgot a word for that.- what? irritating. so i say it again,and it goes for mosteverybody in this room. i stay blackyou stay white. as for my mexicanbrothers and sisters, you learn english,mother fuckers. how 'bout that?

oh! that's funny shitright there. oh, lordy, i'm gladi'm goin' home in the suitcase. look, sweet daddy,who are some ofyour other clients? ooh, i can't tell you that.- why? i gotta protect theiranonymity. well, give us a about some initials? o.j... oh, shit! so you have some athletesand former athletes?

oh, sho' enough. so you like sports?- oh yeah. i like sports.let's talk about sports. uh-huh. what do you think about, um... uh, the hockey strikewe had not long ago? the what? - you know, the hockey strike.- oh, yeah! me and all the brotherswas layin' around the hood,every day goin',

"oh lordy, what do we do?there's no hockey! thank the lord we got nascar!" nascar, there's anotherdumb-ass, cracker sport. nascar's very popular. i know that,i just don't get it. a bunch of grown white mengoin' 500 miles in a circle. what the hell? what kid of threeand a half hours is this? "look! they're makin'a left turn!

oh, they're makin'another left turn! i wonder what'sgonna happen next! let's go to commercial!come back in ten minutes. you ain't gonnamiss a fuckin' thing!" hey, is that the dudethat walter was talkin' to? yeah, right there-- i was talkin' to himoutside before the show. really?- uh-huh. he was dissin' meon my threads.

oh, he didn'tlike your clothes.- that's right. and then he asked me,how come my nameis sweet daddy. really?- yeah. you know what i said to him?- what? ask your momma. don't get all upin my grill, dog. you know, uh,this ain't just me up here. and if i'm not funny,it's not my fault. see, dog,i'm kinda like coffee.

coffee?- yeah. before you experiencemy brown goodness, i gotta go througha big ass white filter. that's funny shit right there! so, sweet daddy, do youlike the audience here? oh, i love your crowd,uh, but i feel a littlebit outnumbered. is there one other brotherin the house tonight? [cheers]oh. yo, dog... run!

start up the car!i'll meet you out backafter the show! it's like we're ata dwight yoakam concert,or some shit like that. look sweet daddy,before you go, why didyou choose me as a client? because you're safe.- i'm what? i got a lot of clientsend up in jail and in trouble. i don't see you puttingyour ass in jail any time soon. well, thank you. unless of coursethey make lotion illegal. will you pleasedrop the lotion?

okay, but i ain't pickingit up anywhere near your ass. there's sweet daddy dee! and now, ladies and gentlemen, how do we describethis next guy? pretty much just white trash,trailer park. please help me welcome,bubba j. [slow laugh] how you doing, bubba j? i'm doin' purdy good!

well, i'm glad you're here. yeah, i-i wasfixin' to come here, and i went outthe front door to come here, and i came here,and i got here, and here i am! so, uh, bubba j,what does the "j" stand for? uh, my last name is junior. oh. well, it's a good thingthey didn't name you, junior.

yeah, that'd be dumb.junior junior... that's my brother's name. so, bubba j, what haveyou been doing today? i've... been... watchin' nascarand drinkin' beer! that's your favorite sport.- yeah. nascar is, too. you know, nascar'svery hot right now. oh, i know.everybody loves nascar. well, sweet daddy saidit's just a bunch of guysdriving in a circle.

oh i know.that's my favorite part. "they're makin' a left turn!" [slow chuckle] it's a sport that's easyto follow when you're hammered. i understand you gota new tattoo. yeah, i got another onesomewhere else that'll grow. did you get it? they got it. yeah, i'm tired of hearin'that most nascar fansdrink too much.

oh, 'cause it's not true? oh, no, it's true. i'm just tiredof hearin' it. makes me thirstyfor another beer. well, besides beer,do you ever have wineat the track? yeah, but i have boxed wine. boxed wine.- yeah. it's wine that comes in a box.- yeah. it's great 'causeif you had too much to drink,

then you got somethin'to throw up in. bubba j, don't you worryabout your health? huh?- your health. uh, like what? your liver? aww, no. my last abductions,the aliens took it. you think you gotabducted by aliens? i don't think, i know!

they took me and theystuck somethin' in my butt. and not in the good way. but, bubba j, when yougo to a nascar raceand you party a lot, who-who is yourdesignated driver? what the fuck is that? d-do you drive drunk? no, officer! i'm practicin'. yeah, all right.

bubba j, have you everhad an intervention? yeah, and penicillincleared it right up. stupid cousin. it was a second cousin! that's a grey area! all right. bubba j, do you playany sports yourself? does quarters count? no.

do you have a drinking problem? no, i pretty muchgot it figured out. what's your favorite beer? an open one. and how do you knowwhen you've had too much? i run out.- yeah, all right. have you ever beento an aa meeting? aa is for quitters. hey, uh, mr. dunham,i was wondering,

w-what is itthat you do for a living? i-i'm a comedian. [gasps] you are?- yeah. you got oneof them, catchphrases? well, you know,i-i'm a ventriloquist. you don't eat meat? bubba j, are you married? oh, yeah. yeah, is your wife pretty?

yea-- what's the difference? the light. where'd you meet your wife? at the family reunion. so, bubba j,where was this family reunion? at the state fair. state fair?- uh-huh. why don't you tell usabout the first timeyou saw your wife.

all right, yeah... there she was. more? yeah, more. where was she? oh, she was leanin' upagainst the ferris wheel...- yeah? ... makin' it tilt, sunlight glistenin'off her curlers, corn-dog in one hand,a budweiser in the other.

ooh, my tattoo's growin'! i went up to herand i said, 'young woman, you look more deliciousthan mayonnaise oozin'out of a spam sandwich." [audience groans] and then she smiled.- yeah. what a tooth! so, i guess you dated hera little while? yeah, a little bit. then you proposed?

no, her daddy did that for me. how'd that happen? i was supposed to come pickher up 'bout 7:00 one night got there at 7:30.- yeah? and her daddy wason the front porchwith his shotgun. he said, "hey, bubba j,guess who else is late? i'm glad you're laughin'. somebody had toexplain it to me. i still don't get it.

so, i guess you hadthe wedding at the church?- yeah. had the reception? at walmart. walmart? yeah.- why? easier to return the gifts. yeah, we walkedin the front door, some old codger is standin'there and he goes,"hey, welcome to walmart. get your shit and get out!"

say good night, bubba j!- good night! that's bubba j! i met this next guy many yearsago also when i was in college. he is notfrom the united states. he's from a small micronesianisland in the south pacific. and he hopped a cruise ship. i actually met himdown in florida. we met up,we talked a little bit, i thought he was kind of funny,

we went on stagetogether a few times, and he's been in my actever since. please help me welcomemy buddy, peanut. [rambunctious laugh] [rambunctious chuckle] how you doin', peanut?- doin' pretty good. how are you?- i'm fine. that's g-g-g--that's g-g--that's gooood! well, it looks likea pretty good crowd, tonight.

you like it here? oh, i love cominghere to... to... to, uh, this... town right here! which town? this one.- which is? the... one we're in right now... peanut.- what? where are we? ... you don't know?

i don't think you know. i forgot.- what? i forgot.- you forgot? yeah, we go so damnmany places, i forgot! well, think about itfor a second. all right, all right,all right! [whispers]damn. the drive from the valley? was bad as hell.

traffic?- sucked like hell. drivers?- angry as hell. and you?- were scared as hell. parking here?- sucked more like hell. so?- we're in hell! and these are our hell-mates. think about it,the next time somebodytells you to go to hell... yeah?- come right here! i don't know!

help me out.- what? help me out! [groans] sorry. i wrote it down for you. oh, good!he wrote it down! ah, yes, i love coming to... sah... natah...

ah... nah. the hell is that?! sah-natah-ah... ... nah. what, is it a frickin'indian reservation? sah-natah-ah-nah! how! it's santa ana.- what?

it says, santa ana. look, i knowi didn't finish school, but that frickin' says,"sah-natah-ah-nah." dumb-ass! i will never blink. they pronounce it, "santa ana." well, they're wrong! sah-natah-ah-nah,sah-natah-ah-nah, sah-natah-ah...[native american whooping]

it's santa ana. are you sure? yes.- okay! [whispering]okay! and you're happy to be here? what?- you're happy to be here? [effeminate voice]oh, yes i am. just last week, i was lyingin bed and i woke up sobbing. "i will never be happyuntil we return to,sah-natah-ah-nah!"

and now we're here! thank you for bringing me! it's a fine city.- okay! we're playingat a very nice theatre. okay! this town is great. [suppressed chortle] it's a fine city. have you looked around?!

holy crap! sucks! there's a lot of historyin this city. translated: old... ass... shit. they've beenrejuvenating, refurbishing. polish a turd,it's still a turd. but the drivedown here did suck. yes it did.- oh, my god! was on the 405then the 5, holy crap.

thank goodness weturned on the radio and listened tothe traffic report. how much good did that do us? none what-so-fricking-ever! i hate the traffic reports,they're a waste of time.- right. let me do the traffic reports. i'll save everyonea lot of time and money.- all right. "hey, peanut,it's 8:00 in the morning. there's a lotof traffic out there.

what's going on?" it's 8:00 in the morning! everyone left their houseat the same... damn... time! back to you! call me back at 5:30,i'll tell you the same thing! only, guess what,they're going the other way! [imitates airplaneflying overhead] you know what elsepissed me off today?- what? trying to use my cell phone.

having trouble? just likethe stinking commercials. can you hear me now?how 'bout now? now, how 'bout now,nownow, now? you know what you don'thear in those commercials?- what? the other endof the conversation! [stammering]i-- d-- u-- s-- [makes static noise] what a piece of shit!

do you know whatcell phone sex is?- no. can you feel me now?how 'bout now? stop it! this guy's notgetting any of this. i've been watchinghim the whole time. it's all going...[airplane overhead] i'm just kiddin', buddy.what's your name? what is your name?! i'm fuckin'looking right at you!

aren't i? i think so. fix my eyes, asshole. it's hard to talkto somebody if you'renot lookin' right at 'em. i know. it's like trying to talk tosomebody who has a lazy eye. you don't knowwhich eye to focus on. you ever done that? you're sitting theretalking to him, thinking,

"aww crap, should i be lookingat that eye, or that eye?" focus you moron! what if someonehere has a lazy eye? i'll confuse i am! over here!here! here! here! you know what pesto is? pesto, it's the stuffthat goes on salad, and pizza-- no, "pesto."- what?

it's a magicianwith a hair-lip. peth-doh! [sings jingle]peth-doh! what if somebodyhere has a hair-lip? th-orry. boy, what if somebody hada hair-lip and a lazy eye? they're really gonna be,"pithed off!" back to you, dude.[airplane overhead] i'm kiddin', you righthere with the blonde hairand the glasses,

what is your first name? terry ♪ terry ♪ what do you dofor a living, ♪ terry? ♪ i'm a business analyst. a-a business... analyst... fascinating. how the hell does that work? you go to a business and go,"mm-hmm, mm-hmm...

you are a business." so, where were we before this? before this,we were in, uh, d.c. ah, yes, washington, d.c. [british accent]doing a show in a theatre.a lovely theatre. 'bout five minutes in the showi happen to look down. about where you're sittin',dude, there was a guy sitting right there whereyou are, but he was facing that way.- right.

and every time i saidsomething, the guy went... [lips flapping] and i go, "hey, buddy,what are you doing?" the guy goes...[lips flapping] it was a signer.- right. a... signer! think about this for a second. they brought a bunchof deaf people to see the ventriloquist!

what do you do next? "we're gonna takeall the blind folksto see david copperfield!" the elephant disappeared. it just fucking disappeared. oh my god, he's juggling now!you should see-- oh, sorry! the hell were they thinking? and as the show went on,this guys startedto piss me off. i've never actually

seen... before. so, then i thought,"okay, i'm gonna geteven with this guy." suddenly, in the middleof the show, i went, "hey, stop-sign, thank you,turn around, doing-doing, horse-shoe, turtle,durka-durka-durka-durka. and this poor bastard'sjust signing away! all the deaf folks are like... "the hell's going on? "our guy sucks!"

and then to really screwwith the guy, i went... [silence] of course,now he's just sitting there. all the deaf folksare like, "uhhh..." come on! what are we missing?! sad part is, this is allcompletely true. we're going to hell, aren't we? well, here we are.

no! [airplane overhead] oh, check it out!look, look, look, look! are you ready? si, seã±or. now, some of the new folksdon't know, tell them what you are. i'm the jalapeã±o on the stick. that's our jalapeã±o on a stick.

si.- tell them your name. my name, josã©. josã©.- josã© the what? josã© jalapeã±o... on the stick! and you're mexican? no, seã±or,mexicans are from mexico.- i see. i am cuban.- ah. i am from florida.

i understand you guyshad a good day today? yes, we had a great day. no, we did not. yes--no. yes--no, we did not [guttural]hhave a good day. yes, we...[exaggerated guttural] hhhad... a great frickin' day! did you have a good day? yeah.- no.

shut up. a good day?- yes. no.- shut... up. you're supposed to havetaken him to the spa. [whispering]i took him to the spa! he put mein the vegetable steamer. it's the same thing! i't not the same thing!- it is, too. it gets hot, then it getssteamy, and then it goes...

[ding] purple bastard! mexican condiment! a condiment? i do not use them. you don't? and neither did your mother! [sweet daddy] oh, that's funny shit right there! that is funny shit!

whoa, that was really good. you gotta workon it a little, though.- why? 'cause from here it soundedlike it came out of my ass. now, i have somewhereto put my stick. oh-- oh yeah?well your mother's a corn dog. ha! on a stick.- all right. look, josã©, are you happy?

si, seã±or, i am[guttural] hhappy. what the hell is,[exaggerated guttural]"hhhappy?" are you always happy? i'm not hhappy on hhaloween.- oh. what the hhhell is wrongwith hhhalloween? there are no costumeson a stick. you could be a fudgesicle did anything else happen today?- no. si.- damn!

what else happened? hell for gettingout of the car today. out of the car?what happened? he slammed my stickin the door. and now i hhave a sore stick! peanut, did you apologize? [suppressed laughter] no.- why not? 'cause i couldn't.- why?

i couldn't breathe! why couldn't you breathe? because he waslaughing too hard. [deep, loud, inhale] [quick breaths] man, it was funny. he looked like a hood ornamentfrom taco bell! look, you're justgonna have to apologize. all right, all right, allright.

josã©, i'm... i'm sorry. it's okay.- okay. i hope you die. look, you're just gonnahave to be nicer to him. how do you say, uh, â¿cã³mo estã¡ usted? muy bien. - â¿quiere algo de beber? oh, si, bueno. what are you doing? i'm speaking to josã©in his native tongue.

well, don't do that.- why not? well, it makes mefeel... left out. huh?! well, i don't speak spanish. [sings twilight zone theme] picture, if you will. look, josã©,you're an unusual kind of guy. what makes youhappiest in life? my bmw.

oh, he has a bmw. yeah, big mexican woman. on a stick! josã©, would you feelbetter in the box? it's much nicer in the box. okay.- whoa! oh, dude, i thoughtyou were gonna drop him oh, geez. that would have been...funny as hell.

do not drop me, seã±or. i won't drop you, josã©. i would then be josã© jalapeã±o on the floor. do a little tap dance,we got salsa! that's terrible! not with the rightkind of chips, it's not. i'm sorry, josã©. it's okay.- okay. i kick his ass later.

i'll turn yourass into guacamole! i'll stir youwith your own stick! ♪ this is the waywe stir the guac ♪ ♪ stir the guac ♪♪ stir the guac ♪ olã©! i'm sorry, josã© don't close the door. why not? [whispering] the cockroaches.

you have cockroaches in there? one big one... a big one. ... on a stick. seã±or.- what? i need to come back out. well, i have to goon with the show, josã©.you stay right there. seã±or!- what? i need to come back out!

you can't come back out! i wish to see the seã±oritas.- what? i want to see the girls. what girls?- any girls. what makes you thinka girl would want to see you? [sly tone] josã© has the stick. it's gettin' kindof racy out here, isn't it? josã©, you juststay right there. i'm going to serenade the seã±oritas.

no, you can't sing. - i'm going to sing. you can't sing. ♪ ay, ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ i am josã© jalapeã±o ♪ ♪ you love jalapeã±os you love me you do ♪ ♪ you love jalapeã±os i give my stick to you ♪ thank you, josã©. [shrill] ♪ ay, ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ i am-- ♪

[muffled] ♪ ay, ay-- ♪ [muffled] ♪ ay-- ♪ [muffled] ♪ ay ♪ it's a good trick, seã±or. say, goodnight, josã©. goodnight everybody! and that's josã© jalapeã±oon a stick! [exaggerated japanese accent]ooh, that's-ah josã© jarapenohon-ah stick-ah whooo!

what are you doing?h-ah, speakin' zhapanese. you don't know japanese. yeah i do. toyota! ohh, godzilla. that's not right.- oh, you're right, it'd be... godzilla! what is wrong with you?! too much, coffee, coffee! mmm!

you didn't have coffeebefore the show. okay, i admit. it was crack!- no! you didn't do crack. well, then you did.- no! are you sure?- yeah. come on, it feelslike one of us did. didn't you do crackbefore the show?- no. during the show?- no.

after the show?- no. when?- never. what?- i've never... ... done crack! are you sure?- yes. are you lying?- no. see how angry you are?- yeah. it's the crack! there isn't any crack!

oh my god,he sold it all! will you pleaseexplain to everyone,i don't abuse drugs. okay...[suppressed chortle] come on, you gottaat least smoke weed. no, i don't smoke pot. ever?- no. never smoked pot?- no. never done drugs?- no. then how in the helldid you come up with me?!

you're a sick man! will you just tell them?! jeff does not abuse drugs.- thank you. he's an alcoholic. and he's funny as hell,a drunk ventriloquist... [slurred laugh] [slurred] look, i can talkwithout moving my lips. [muffled]peter piper picked a peck... [belches]

you should get drunkand go to a strip joint.- why? you'd be throwing your voice in places it shouldnever come from. some girl comes dancing up tothe table and everybody hears, [muffled] "let me out!" [muffled] it's dark in here! [muffled] no coins, please! you don't think that's funny?- no. you're gay.- no!

gay, gay, gaygaygay. you are gay! i have a wife and three kids. [gasps] good cover. you know what the gay folksneed that they don't have?- what? a superhero. a gay superhero. gayman...[sings superhero jingle] [effeminate]hi!

♪ here i cometo save the day ♪ ♪ and i look fabulous! ♪ oh, and when he flies,his butt whistles. you-- [faint whistling] "look, it's gayman!" "don't turn your back on him." unless you have the lotion. you guys havebeen a great audience!

thanks so muchfor coming tonight! well, sweet daddy, uh,pretty good show, huh? uh, yeah, dog, whatever. let's, uh, count the till, now. okay, but hey,who are your friends? oh, my friends, uh, yeah. uh, this one here is,uh, is, uh, the limo driver, and the other one is,uh, the mechanic in case the limobreak down on the way home.

yeah, that's it.isn't that it, that's it. beautiful thing.[lip smack] ha ha. count the money, dog. all right, uh... let me help you out, here.- okay. one for you,- right. one for me,- right. and then onefor my lady friend,

and then another onefor my other lady right here. oh, that's good.let's do it again, now. this is all good,it's all good. one for you.- right. one for me,another for my baby's momma. that's you,at least potentially, and then two for my otherlady friend right there-- wait a minute, this is supposedto be coming out of your share. that's what we doin'.we all sharin'.

it's all're gonna be big. trust me, dog. one for you, two for me,three for my lady friend-- aw! this is all good.we are gonna have so much fun. ♪ we are gonna par-ty ♪ ♪ and then i'm gonnatake my clothes off ♪ and then we gonna do some...

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