Saturday, September 24, 2016

puppets comedy central

captains log: space... it seems to go on and on forever like your favorite tv show that "never" got canceled, not at all forcing you to make your own half-assed episode. afer a thousand light years, i'm about to complete my 15 beer mission. this is the u.s.b. aldrins buzz with a fuel delivery for b.b.r. base...over. you're coming in hot! abort mission! ...over. don't tell me how to fly this vessel!...over.

ugghh open the beer bay door, pal. we have lift off. (laughter) hehehe heres to another successful mission! *bottles clink know it, buddy! death clock, don't fear the reaper. i'd hit that.

i have. it was real cold. *mechanical robot sound next time on everybody loves hypnotoad. (announcer) uh oh! it looks like alpha base needs another fuel delivery! *clicking of empty bottles admiral! we're out of fuel!! - oh - - your -

- god - what do we do? what can we do? *"zod" zod hellebore here to introduce my earthy new beer, olde fortran light extra dark. as the first in my line of "hostile" new flavors, olde fortran needs you to write the olde fortran light extra dark jingle!

the talented lazy slob... *huh?? (alien sound) i'm talking to you... *zod that writes the winning jingle will take home a lifetime supply of olde fortran light extra dark! this is dream-come-true stuff. once you taste olde fortran light extra dark, you just won't want one.

(gasp) are you thinking what i'm thinking? yeah... if those were chicks they were way hot!!! aaahhh...never mind. since beck isn't taking my calls and foghat broke up (static)brannigan (static) diagnosed hernia

true story. hey nixon! it's your old pal, bender. it's your old pal, bender bender! how did you get my private vid phone number? it's classified i won it while playing russian roulette with president putin. with president putin. so um... what do you want?

well, there's this contest that's giving away a lifetime supply of free beer. that's giving away a lifetime supply of free beer. all you have to do is write the winning jingle. called me? the president of earth, to help you write a beer jingle? nooooo i called you

the president of earth to help me rig that contest so that i could win that free beer. oohh, this sounds interesting... haha i like a good rigging we could start with a few incriminating pictures of the contest judge.

yeah? and then, an anonymous call to the tabloids. yeah!!! a wire tap here. a death threat there. and the next thing you know, nixonâ£s swimming in free beer!! a death threat there. and the next thing you know, nixon's swimming in free beer. nooooo!!! i clearly said i would am getting that free beer. ahahahaha....

forget it! tricky dick only looks out for one person... me!!!! arroooo!!!! well.. fry? aw, bender... i always appreciate it when you settle for me. and you know what!?!? this jingle could be my own personal booze license!

i always dreamed of winning a lifetime supply of something. and what with my ability to compute mad rhymes and your ability to... exist. we're a shoe in for that beer, baby! and all i have done is exist since the 20th century! *haha beer! beer!!

beer!!!! (echoing out into space) who's out here harmonizing? and about beer no less. admiral bender, i think weâ£ve got a new mission. i think we've got a new mission. they'll be no one to stop us... this time. *weird sounds of fear are you guys are still in here drinking beer??

noooo! we just ran out. yeah! i can't believe you two let me load the ship all by myself. you're right, we're- noooo!!!! i'm sorry.

okay, but that doesn't change the fact that we were supposed to leave 2 hours ago. and? do you think the professorâ£s going to take this news? how do you think the professor's going to take this news? good news, everyone! i'm so glad you haven't left yet. oh lord. before you drop off that crate of giraffes,

i need you to deliver this old science experiment of mine to chapek 9. to chapek 9. it just sold for twice its value on ebay! *threatening music um, do we really want those cute giraffes in the cargo hold next to what looks like a leaky, handmade, beryllium doomsday device? oh my no no, it's the much cheaper einsteinium - 119.

what about the giraffes? oh, don't worry. if any of them get too close to the doomsday device, just use this spray bottle to give them a gentle correction. it's filled with acid. cool. oh and watch out for space pirates. they do love atomic atomizing apparatuses. hhmmmmmm.

now, off you go! come on guys. don't make me do all the work. yeah, fry. don't make her do all the work. nyah nyah nyah... watch you talk'in bout? your mutiny on strombos 4... it's not that i enjoy yelling at you guys, i really care about you.

aw, shut up baby, i know it! and you're a bad influence on fry. huh? know he'll do anything you tell him. untrue! yesterday i told him to drop dead! bender! ah, i knew he wouldn't do it. you're lucky suicide booths are expensive.

yeah, that's why i bought him a gift card. hahahaha. zod hellabore (singing) bringing me beer for free (singing) for a lifetime! (singing) man, not again! hi amy. hi fry!!! ahhhh *angry chinese *slop sounds

whoa! awehh you did it again! hahaha! ewww. hey hermes! sweet condor of gondor! this doomsday device looks deadlier dan a green snake on a sugar cane plant! ohhh. maican laughter)

wow. well, obviously, you don't seem too concerned. well, you know what would make me feel a whole lot better? is if you all signed one of deez. what is it? it's an updated waiver absolving planet express from gross negligence in the likely event of you dying while transporting this bomb. ah, you didn't make us sign one of those when we delivered that bomb to that peace celebration on sphere-on nine.

that wasn't a bomb. that was just a mislabeled nuclear-powered disco ball. yeah and it was way groovy until zapp brannigan came and wanged it up. it wasn't the only thing he wanged up! ahahahaha. i'm sure i don't know what you're implying. well, let me clear things up for you. by not the only thing i meant you. and by wanged up, i meant...

listen, just because two people were accidentally locked alone in a sex-swing-atorium for five hours and had to disrobe because of a temperature malfunction doesn't mean they wanged it up! (sounds of robot and man's laughter) and by malfunctioning thermostat, i mean...whooooooooaaaaaaa! (more sounds of robot and man's laughter)

hiyah! (sounds of robot and manslaughter)bender - ow my ass oh what a beautiful day. just smell that fresh air. ahhhhh. *breathing in through tentacles and exhaling (music playing.) (louder music) (sounds of the ship taking off.) admiral bender would never kick me for insubordination.

you know it, buddy! owe, ah *zod that reminds me, zod helabore would recommend i drink another beer to avoid a hangover. i've had enough of these inebriation games. games, beer is no game! beer is life.

did you at least secure the cargo? yeah, i, umm, fed the professor's doomsday device and sealed the giraffes in an air-tight container... so hmph! stupid. alert! suffocating giraffe cargo! alert! cargo radiation- (moans) (whatever the sound a miniature synthetic girafffe makes) idiots, why am i not surprised.

you dont normally let us handle the dangerous cargo. damn giraffes have sharp hooves! pretty sharp. you'd think they would have made that distinction by now! these new regulations state it should be a duplicate signature.. hello! and how is everyone doing on this lovely day and what not? doing great, dr. z. and my dearest friend, hermes, how is the family?

oh come on. give me some claw! even a grade 55 would recognize the 4a designation meaning it's a triplicate signature form, with rudimentary fingerprint, dna and stool profiles in the addendum. well, splah! i just don't know what's going on down dere at the central bureaucracy. i mean...

(gargle. spit. slurp. taste.) bad news everyone. what's wrong professor? i just remembered"doomsday device" i just sold. that i forgot to replace that damaged under-thruster on that rickety "doomsday device" i just sold. it's probably leaking hyper-flonic flactation! there's nothing about that sentence i didn't like. if it blows up, it will kill the entire crew!

it will kill the entire crew! it's really not a problem, because i got them to sign updated no-fault death waivers. hermes! if that piece of junk i built explodes, it will destroy the nearest solar system more importantly, my impeccable ebay rating! understood, professor. i will take care of this perilous mission personally.

yes. yes. zoidberg! get that bomb back here! what an honor! woop woop woop woop... i really hate that crab. zod's beer. (singing) looking for zod's beer. (singing) i gotta find zod's beer. (singing)

for my robot. (singing) that's me, baby! yo yo yo. dr. z on the vidphone. initiate zoidberg protocol. *ahhh call ignored. did you just post a photo with the doomsday device? my fans demand insight into my daily routine. oh and he's so photogenic.

don't forget musical. musi-cal! plus i'm humble. oh the humblest. would you two please go be stupid somewhere else! don't mind if i do, we've got a beer jingle to tingle. yeah, leela, we're on a mission from zod!

don't touch me. you're unbelievable. when all the work can wait. (singing) and the captain is someone you hate. (singing) well i think she's the best. (singing) you will never touch her chest. (singing) hey! the best part of drinking beer... (singing) is olde fortran light. (singing)

extra dark. (singing) why do i want a coffee so badly? ahahaha you know what that makes me think of, buddy? beer! (singing) beer!! (singing) beer!!!!!! (singing in unison) that was good the way you held that. thank you.

just get out! aye aye, cap'n. do do do do. *sounds of a flying missle *explosion we're all gonna die! (more explosions. really loud ones.) oh! i bet your stupid selfie gave our position away! ahhh, relax,

they're probably just my adoring fans. earthican vessel, surrender or be destroyed. warning! warning! fans of yours, huh? we're boned. ughh we're rolling, sir. well, well, well. brannigan here.

captain...brannigan. zapp... the zapper... i'm sure you were all upset as millions of others were that i wasn't included in this abomination of a fan film. unfortunately i was preoccupied with a d.o.o.p. emergency.

an alien planets sex machine broke down and i had to fill in. if you know what i mean... sexually. needless to say they wont be needing that pathetic machine again. you're welcome nymphallus 6 point 9. so as you can see.

there was a legitimate reason i wasn't included. it had nothing to do with leela's restraining order. you saw the episode, you experienced the amazing...disappointment of that lousy cliff hanger will the crew of the planet express ship survive the looming space battle? will leela save her precious miniature giraffes?

what did fry see in the deathclock? waht's the deal with that tentacle thing? ...tentacle thing? will amy ever find the perfect color for her toenails? will the professor save his impeccable ebay rating? will zoidberg retrieve the doomsday device? these questions and many other questions will be answered... never! you know why?

cash, clams, dinero. this production's got no talent, no rights, no money... sponsored by! damn it! i told you, i dont care what the wong's think. daddy? can we go to luna park saturday? ughh, i'm too busy... pleaseeee gggrrrr

uh-oh sweetheart my schedule just opened up. i love you. thank you daddy i love you. deathclock (singing) deathclock! when you need to know when you're gonna go. when you need to know when your gonna go...

dont fear the reaper (singing)

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