Saturday, November 19, 2016

puppets for adults

top of the morning to you laddies! my name is jacksepticeye and welcome back to surgeon simulator! it's been absolutely agessince i've played this. well, i did the vr version. this isnot vr as you can clearly see. but this is a new dlc that came out, andbefore i say anything or before i do anything, okay, let's just take a look atit. this is a remote control for something. it says trump 2016 on it andwhat does our little invitation thingy say? oh, no, haha. why'd you to fall over? this game isalready pissing me off. oh, god. okay, what does this actually say? congratulations on the republican nomination - h.c.

hillary clinton? ok, republic-, what'd say underneath? are you making fun of the fact that hillary clinton can't spell? is that it? really? okay. so what this is, and you've likely seen other youtubers do it already, it's a dlc where youget to operate on donald trump now before i do anything, i just want tosay that i have absolutely no interest or care, or worries, or anything about theamerican presidential election campaigns that are going on right now.

i don't give a shit who wins, i don'teven think i know all the people who are running. actually, i probably do but i'mnot going to say anything just in case i'm wrong. but i have no interest oraffiliation or anything got to do with- oh, shut up - with anythinggot to do with the presidential election so i'm not doing this as a sort of like, "haha, fuck you trump," kind of thing. there's just a-i-i know the comments are gonna be a shit storm so i just want to say that i'm not doingit because of i want to see donald trump in pain or anything i'm literally doingit- wait

how do i play?! i'm literally doing itbecause i wanted to see what the dlc was. do i have to open this? how-how? how do i? do i have to to cut this open orsomething? what am i doing? i just realized that imay not know what the hell is going on. ah... oops, oh, okay. i clicked on something by mistake. i hit something in the remote when i was going back to get to the box. oh, that makes sense, haha. that's why theremote was there. okay.

"your vote counts! is trump a gold-hearted heroor a stone-hearted villain? pick the organ and cast your vote..." do we really have to pick one or theother why couldn't it be 'he's just a human'? gold-hearted or stone-hearted?"see how the world..." okay begin survey. i- oh, we're doing asurvey. oh that's cool! it looks like it's like aa new thing going on *laughs* hello donald! wait shh! shh! it's allgoing to be okay donald. let me pick your nose.

oh god, i'm sorry dude. nice hair! say what you want about donald trump,but man, does he have nice hair! *laughs* okay what the fuck is this thing? oh mother of god! oh christ! am i able to slice my own wrist with this?oh jesus, okay! imma put down the spinning deathball. that thing is- no don'tfuck up! stop messing up all my things! okay we'rejust gonna restart because i-i-i'm not touching that yet. okay, let's pull thistarp off, donald. there we go, nice. so it seems likeeverything on the inside is normal

you're not a monster like everyone onthe internet says you are! okay, we have gold tools and we have a lump ofsteak. can i have some steak? that'd be awesome! what dowe have here? what the hell is this is? is this trump vodka? *laughs* is there actually trump vodka? oh my god, that's hilarious. um, okay so what do we- are both hearts in this? are both hearts in this? do i have to unlock them? why? okay, there we go. why? i know you lovebeing fucking tedious bu- okay, so i'm gonna do both and i'll go left toright. so we start with the gold heart and then we'll work our way up.

can i really cut bones with this? is that what you are? oh, yes! oh, yes! this is the best partabout this dlc so far. cut the bones, please! oh god, i'm gonnaend up slicing through everything! where's the blood loss? blood level? 54- oh god, my watch came off! it's fine, it was given to me by my ex-wife. fuckthat bitch! what the hell?! this doesn't even do anything!oh, donald! oh, donald! oh, donald! oh, i'm sorry! oh god, it's out of control! i'm barely even moving any buttons anymore! oh, no! oh, blood loss is at a quite ahigh level right now. um, okay! there we

go. uh - oh, no! no! get away from those hearts! get away from the hearts! don't bounce them around the place. oh, god, i need to inject him withsomething. where are the injections? which one is the good one? is this the good one? is this going tostop him from bleeding? donald, here! no! that made him bleed even more! where do i inject this?! awww shit. this is making him bleed even more!

where's the good injector? hello? i might need assistance! well, donald, it was great having you in today. it was great having you on the news. uh, for your surgery. oh god, can we pull off his hair? really? *laughs* you can mess around with his comb-over. *laughs* okay, failed miserably. $472,000? i mean, what do you expect? i'm not a real doctor. i mean, i am a real doctor! shut up, you don't know anything! okay, donald duck, let's fucking do this. it's time to

do this properly this time. if i could just get the tarp off- why do things not want to grab? didyou guys make this game purposefully to not grab? that seems like a bunch of bullshit! okay, okay, okay. see? like when i go down to grab this, did you make it so that it actuallydoesn't grab half the time and it's just messing up with me? okay, here we go, here we go. pop. ah, pop. pop. surgery is all about finesse. it's all about finesse and style and-what fucking way does this work? -and

poop. and poop. oh god! sorry. break the bones! break the bones andmake it whole again! how the fuck does this work?! okay, i need to put the axe back down. jesus fucking christ. it was so much better when i was able touse something- ooh, hammer. it was so much better when i had fucking vr controllers and i was able to do it. this is just going to piss me off we go, we have a nice tappy, tappy. you're not even holding that hammer, are you? you're not even holding it. it's just sitting- there we go now you're holding it. puck. come on, break something! break shit!

make some noise! oh, come on! this game pisses me off so much. now i remember why i didn't fucking come back to play this ever again. i didn't actually finish it. come on, come on, come on. other people say that's part of the charm: not being able to control everything. i would say that's part of the 'go fuckyourself', 'cause that's bullshit. a game that doesn't control well is incre-purposefully doesn't control well is the most counter-intuitive thing i've everheard in my life. okay, we just put you down for a second. there we go.

i need to pull out some bones, mr.trump. just pull out some bo- pull out some fucking bones! there we go. there we go. when stuff is out, ready to shout, getting all up about... okay. how is that stuff even still connected?this is not still connected! this needs to come out, sir. sir! just hold on for a second. is this the decombobulator? that's not- that's a nose hair trimmer. okay, this might sting a little. i can't even see what i'm doing. i can'teven see where the fucking laser is. okay,

here we go, here we go. it might hurt just a small- just a tad. just a tad, but it's great at getting bones out, sir. hold on, sir! i know you're running for president and everything but th-... fuck my ass! i know he wasn't running for president and everything but that's no reason to fucking fight me on this. oh, i might not even get this done. imight not even get this fucking finished. because screw all of this bullshit. yougrab the hammer. grab th- why? why?! just grab the fucking thing and we can all have a merry christmas!

grab the hammer. grab the hammer. gra- there we go. now put it back on the fucking table and get ready to grabagain. get ready to grab again. if you grab this wrong i will have your guts for garters. here we go. fucking get in there! smash up some bones! smash up some- some trumpy bones. okay, okay, okay. i'm just going to widdle-waddle, piddle-poddle. that's not fucking breaking anything! ooooookay! twisting every fucking nipple that i have right now. you don't want to twist my nipples, donald! will you just fucking break

something? there we go! it just requires an extra bit of force. ah, god. i'm fucking sticking it in his liver and everything. *singing* if you could break these bones of mine, bones of mine, bones of mine. if you could break these bones of mine! okay, there's enough gone out. there's enough bones gone out of this bullshit to be able to do it. grab a lung. grab a lung and get fucking working. get working, get twerking. grab something at least! at least he stopped fucking bleeding for a while. at least

excessively. just grab all these little bits. just grab all these little bits. it doesn't help that i- oh, there we go. there's a fucking lung coming out. doesn't help that i can barely see what i'm doing half the time. pull out that lung. pull out that lung. pull it out. *grunts* get the lung, get the lung. pull it out, pull it out, pull it out. okay, maybe this fucking little thing is blocking it. um, the-the quagnon (?). that's what that is, that's a quagnon. i am a human doctor. got the other lung, got the other lung. you got it? you got it, homie? you got it, homie?! maybe trump isn't the one who needs the surgery.

maybe i need the surgery on my fucking carpel tunnel that's going on here. can't even- there we go. there we go. pull it out, pull it out! there we go, just dab- just dibby-dab. just dibby-dab. there we go. nice and tasty. nice and t- i can't even see what the fuck i'm doing half the time because my hand is blocking my vision. my hand is inside him! i can't get the hand out! there we go, was the fucking watch was the problem. the watch was the problem with everything that's happening. here we go. oh, yes. oh, so much fun i'm having. right?! okay, i shouldn't actually get too angry because then people will think that i'm

actually, legitimately, really gettingpissed off. i mean i am, but not that much. it's still just a video game. there's no... there's no reason to get that pissed off at a- okay. easy, easy peasy. easy peasy. here we go. just-just-just, oh okay, just t-just tap it. just tap it in there. cut the things out please! oh god, he's gonna die again. if you die again i'll kill you. cut it out! there we go! thank the fucking maker. i'm just stabbing this poor man. i'm just

stabbing this son of a bitch. what am i even cutting? what even needs to be cut for this to work? i don't know, there's no guidance! it's like we're fucking driving- it's like we're driving a boat out into the middle of the ocean and i have no rudders. just-just cut everything. just keep cutting. just keep on fucking cut- there we go! yes. now you're losing blood at a fucking alarming rate. so i'm- because you don't have a heart anymore. okay, imma need to get in and

get that heart. get your fat, motherfucking gorilla hands into that trump sternum, or so help me, lucifer! i will rip your testicles off and wearthem as earrings. i swear by the moon and the stars! give me this fucking syringe. this fucking syringe. i don't need you anymore. *singing* i don't need you anymore. pick it up! what do you have? fucking spaghetti fingers?! this is good. is this good? is this good? 14ml/second? he's losing more blood by injecting him! what the fuck am i supposed to

inject him with to stop the bleeding?! this is a bunch of bullshit! this is a bunch of assness. oh, mercy me. oh, why did i decide to play this? can't even see where the hand is going, not even grabbing anything. just grab it, please. yes! i grabbed something and then he let go! it's too warm in this fucking room for this shit! grab something, grab something and pull it out. yes, yes. you got the heart. there we go. uh, oh god. i need to open up this. oh, god. okay, open! open! i need to put a fucking heart in.

here we go. yes. yeah! i fucking did it! no problem, everyone! i salute you! i know the candidate washaving a lot of hardship. people didn't know if he had a gold heart, a stone heart, baboon's heart, or a heart made of cheese. but i made it work, and i made it happen. okay, let's try again and put the stone heart in then. why do i do this to myself? why? why? there's people with fucking world records in this game. why would you even- it's not even a fact that i'm impressed by the world records,

it's a fact of 'why would you putyourself through so much hardship to play this game?' like, a few games actually, legitimately piss me off. but this game is designed to be- to play badly, and that's not what a game should be it just- it makes no sense. it makes no sense. it is funny though. it's a funny game. okay, let's trim your nose hairs. i wouldn't mind if you actually pickedshit up- and then you can't move your hand down further. okay, here we go. put it down again. put it down again. -and i wouldn't mind if it didn't keep messing up- oh, fucking drop it. -if it didn't keep messing up

everything else that you picked up allthe time. let's try that again, shall we? 'cause fucking motor skills are a huge problem for this surgeon. how did you even become a fucking surgeon? were you operating on-on fucking playdough before this? here we go. there we go, you're gonna look nice for the election. you're gonna look nice for all the people out there. get it in. oh, there we go. it's not even trimming anything. there's no sound! that's very, very unsatisfying.

i need like a hair-cutting sound like *bzzz* *bzzz*. okay, here we go. can you make this a vr surgery please? can you make all the regular surgeries vr? then maybe i'll actually be able to finish them properly. alrighty, you know it's bad when it takes forever to just get this fucking thing off. there we go, there we go. there we go. come on! all you can do is laugh. okay, i need to be able to put the axe a certain way. so i can actually hold it properly, and swing properly. *singing* see? if i was able to swing over a tiny bit more

i'd be able to do it. okay, let's try this. let's try- no. that's still in the same orientation. *gasps* there we go, that's the orientation that i want. oh wait, no it's not. is it? okay, kind of. kind of. oh god, sorry. sorry, donald! oh, everything's stuck on everything. come on. i don't even have the hand lowered, why am i smacking into shit already?! there we go. breaking bones, breaking bones, breaking bones! that's what a surgeon does! he breaks your bones! i'm messing up all his shit already, and i'm not even-

oh god, i'm not even through the rib cage. see, the idea of a rib cage is that you're supposed to like open it up in themiddle and then it opens up on its own. that like the little cartilage on the inside- oh god, what fucking- what even are these buttons?! and it's pissing me off because it's so warm lately here, in ireland. and i fucking hate it. i love sunshine but the heat without sunshine is bullshit. and it's just really warm in here and i can't open up anything because then i'll be subject to reverb, i'll be yelling out into the fucking streets. can't do it, so all i'm doing is melting in myown shit in my room.

we're going to use this. we're going to use this badass motherfucker and see what kind of absolute nonsense we can we go. yeah, cut him up! cut him up! cut those fucking bones! cut his bones out! good lord. you call yourself a doctor. you might as well be a fucking dentist.come on, cut it out! cut it out, cut it... cut it all out! cut it all out! it's moving on its own! i'm not evendoing anything anymore! *saw noises* okay, it's cutting out bones,but an alarming blood loss rate. he's losing a lot of blood. sir, imma need you to calm down!

donald! donald, stop! stop it, donald! don't dieon me! fuck you, donald! *laughs* okay. i'm not fucking trying that again. oh, it pisses me off! 'cause i am bread wasone of those games that pissed me off, but at least i could finish it. this, oh, this is otherworldly type ofrage and unenjoyment. i mean, i still enjoy it to a degree, because itstill makes me giggle and scream and it's good for commentary and everything. i mean, i think it makes good videos, butoh! oh, these nips!

oh! anyway, that's the donald trump dlc, you cango off and get it for yourself if you want, it's up on steam. it's kinda sucky that it's just the samething, it's like, oh, you're trying to make like, some sort of statement, like, "givehim a gold heart, give him a stone heart, which one dopeople want to do?" people are obviously gonna give him a stone heart because it's afucking meme to shit all over donald trump. i mean, idon't know anything about that stuff. i know he's very silly, and he says a lotof stupid shit, and he'd probably make for a terrible president. but other than that,i mean...

i don't know, i don't wanna get into it.everyone is gonna... the comments are gonna be a disaster already, so please, benice to each other. be... be gentle, be kind, and think about whatyou're writing before you write it and don't just shit all over the comments just forthe sake of shitting all over the comments. let's keep it civil. we can make jokesand everything, but let's not shit all over each other. let's not... let's not turn oneach other, that's what they want! plus, i'm irish, so i don't really have ahorse in the presidental election race

right now so... technically i couldprobably say whatever i want because it doesn't... doesn't affect me whatsoever. but for now... donald is dead. the music issad. he is no more. but thank you guys so much for watchingthis episode! if you liked it, punch that like button in the face, like a boss! and, high-fives all around! *whiplash sounds* thank you guys, and i will see all you the next video! markiplier: you will not get to an area that you don't have to murder at least a thousand creatures. jack: okay, so it's america simulator.

*assorted gamer noises* markiplier: hey now! how did that cost $676,000? ah, the gold axe,and the quad-saw. i want one of those in real life, just... *brrrrr* and throw it in the air. so cool.

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