Wednesday, November 23, 2016

puppets for church

(tense music) ♪ give me some rope tie me to dream ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ somebody said it can be here ♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪ i can't count the reasons i should stay ♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪ okay, this awkward silencehas been going on for days. granted,jeffrey looks amazingwhen he broods,

but this has got to stop. now, i don't knowwhat happened, but we have to getto the bottom of this. it's too embarrassing. pelton:i understand. you don't wanna talkabout it, and you won't have to. they will talkfor you. why did you make, have,and bring these?

mmm. don't answer. it's puppet therapy. mmm-hmm. the psychology worldhas recently embraced it after seeing it on law & order. you'll notice thateach puppet is madein your likeness. they werea rush job. it's not like i had themon hand for personal use.

(chuckles)excuse me. let me just grab this thingthat's definitely not a whip. in additionto being adorable, i know firsthandthat puppet therapy can and does work. uh, dean,puppet kevin here thinks i should have a candy barright now. no, you knowhow it winds you up. fine.we'll split it.

all money, bro? he's notwhat he seems! wait.where's pierce? i know he's not with us,but is he still with us? i'm surehe's fine. although,no one's seen him since he lost his mindin the woods. you all werein the woods?oh. oh, so the puppetsare working. okay.

uh...(chuckles) how did it start?what happened? we're not playingwith puppets. oh, jeffrey. dean, what happenedis between us and jesus, and jesusdon't snitch. yeah, and i don't needa puppet to express myself. i already saywhatever i want. but i am a fanof the medium, so...

my fatheris withholding. ow. hmm. that's interesting. guys, are we justgonna avoid making eye contactforever? who are we,jeff during sex? both: huh? let's just give it a shotand move on.

fine.if we're gonna playthis game, then, unlike sexwith britta, we're gonnado it quickly and with a small shredof dignity. eh. yeah. jeffrey, dignityis my middle name, and my first name is dean-nocchio!

(mimics grand entrance music) whoo. it all started on friday. britta was talking abouta few of herlatest causes. this one's forthe greendaleanimal shelter, this one'sfor global warming, this one'sfor global cooling, and this one'sfor the amountof rubber wasted while makingstupid bracelets.

that's calledrubber flubbing, and it'sa real problem. open your eyes, people! britta said,"open your eyes, people." square. nice. what are you two doing? oh. we're playingstudy group bingo.

study group bingo? we've been best friendsfor four years, so we've falleninto a comfortable,repetitive pattern like humorousmisunderstandingson three's company or girls gossiping on gossip girl. so to liven things up,troy and i madethis bingo chart of the predictable thingswe say. this gameis gay. you're mocking us?

that's not a very christianthing to do. can we go backto studying now? both: square. i don't like this game. me neither. i think it's mean. there's no point. yeah, it's insulting. okay, stop.

all: square. (groans)abed's right. we've hadthe same conversationa million times. i guess we're kind ofstuck in a... all: rut? yes. but to be fair,there's not many thingsyou could be stuck in. elevators. bad marriages.

a peat bog. on a flightin the middle seat. time loops. the bottom of a well. your own emotions. quicksand. (overlapping dialogue) (exhales) okay, stop!

how did we getso predictable? and here is ourstate-of-the-art1989 library where...oh, look! it is my favoritestudy group. they all really typifythe diversity we have hereat greendale. uh, ruggedly handsomeleading man... (chuckles)a mom, an activist, a perfect student,a lifelong learner,

a sidekick, and abed. enough's timeto move this tour along to meetmy good friendmagnitude! yeah, prepareto be pop-popped! man: aw, he'sa national treasure. look, the problemisn't us. we're awesome. the problemis greendale. it's pulling our strings,and we need a break.

yeah, our ferris buellerneeds a day off. hey, whose dadhas a vintage ferrari? abed,a pop culture referenceis more of the same. we need to go big. we needan adventure! that's a good idea, annie,but there's one problem. where would we go? (light up-tempo rock) ♪ where, where would we go?

♪ we can go anywhere that you know both: ♪ could we travel through time? ♪ or maybe see france? ♪ or anywhere else naked ladies will dance? ♪ could we fly in a booth ♪ could we go to church camp? ♪ i'd rather stay at greendale ♪ could we ride ♪ a hot air balloon?

all: ♪ yes ♪ now, that's an adventure ♪ well, we should go soon ♪ we can go anywhere in a balloon ♪ that's an adventure ♪ we can go high ♪ we can see anything up in the sky both: ♪ yes all: ♪ now that's an adventure

♪ pierce, bring your dentures all: ♪ we're so thrilled because soon ♪ we'll be in a hot air balloon all: ♪ ah, ah, ah hey, guys. ♪ i'm the balloon guide ♪ before we take off, i'm gonna check the balloon ties ♪ look at the burner, check out the basket ♪ if you have a question, feel free to ask it

♪ could we go to space? ♪ could we fly to heaven? ♪ i'd rather fly to vegas ♪ it's getting time ♪ to ride the balloon ♪ now this is adventure ♪ about to go soon ♪ we're gonna go anywhere in the balloon all: ♪ this is adventure

♪ we're starting to fly ♪ we can see everything here in the sky ♪ this is adventure ♪ there's beautiful weather now outside ♪ and we're fine ♪ as long as we have a balloon guide uh... oh, no! abed: oh, boy.

from now on,no more singingin the balloon. did i miss it? miss what? who said anythingabout a runaway balloon? okay, let meprocess this. (strained inhale) no! oh, god. whoa, whoa.

we're really high. pierce: i'm really scaredof heights. guys, what arewe gonna do? annie: i had a dreamit would end this way. oh, jeffrey,you're ona runaway balloon? you could have could have died. how could you almostlet him die? we all almost died,but we all didn't. you know, plus,a near death experience

would've only brought uscloser together. good point. although it did getpretty hairy after that especially once piercestarted helping. pierce: okay,everyone push down with meat the same time. one, two, three! (groans) come on, people.i can't do this alone. you can'tdo it at all.

oh, look.a downstream. (gasps) all: pierce! no! whoa! troy: if we flyto heaven, please don't tellmy grandpaabout me and britta. (indistinct dialogue) shirley:we're so high. jeff: this is not good.

there are so many's so dark! i can't even seethe landing strip or any of the othernudie bars. oh, heaven,help us. we must be a mileabove the ground. that's internationalairspace. we're literally abovethe law. jeff can marry any manhe wants. wait a second, guys.

i think we're startingto go down. you see?prayer works. so does gravity, shirley. and you knowwho invented gravity,right? all: oh!whoa! guys, let's put a pin in the mysteriesof the universe convountil we land. which will be soonerthan we thought. we're gainingspeed fast, people.

oh!brace for impact. oh, damn you, gravity! damn you, prayer! damn you, vicki! (all scream) has anyone else noticedprofessor duncan hasn't been aroundfor a long time? maybe i can softenour descent. pierce, no!

britta: bring itto me strong,old man monkey strength! (bird chirps) shirley: okay. okay, obviously,that was very scary. post-traumatic stressis a real issue, but with these puppetsgiving voiceto our feelings, we can beginto heal. hey, come on. this is gonna bea long and arduous process.

there's more. hey, well,excuse dean for reactingto the natural lullin your story. i'm so sorry. when you hurt,i hurt. what happened next? abed: whoa. (shirley sighs) shirley: we made it.

britta: everyone okay? pierce: i'm alive. guys, knock it off. okay, still alive? okay, we're all safe. we just haveto figure out how to get backto greendale. but we're in the middleof the woods. where do we start?

we need to splitinto two groups, the survivorsand the others. where's the manifest? oh, stop itwith your lost references. we needto get back home. what if we'restuck here? we need to starta prison system. we'll be strandedhere forever, and i've never seenblue man group!

guys, guys,we're gonnamake it outta here. we gotta relax.we're all gonna be fine. all: ah! what is that? i just want to say,if we're gonna die,i love you guys. i love you all too. i did seeblue man group. i just didn't get it. why can't they talk?they have so much in common.

(groaningand nervous sighing) (hisses) others! huh? (clears throat)oh! (laughs)i'm sorry. (clears throat) i didn't meanto startle anybody.(laughs) and i thought my hairlooked fake.

oh, you guys are a long,long way from greendale. how did you knowwe're from greendale? oh, from pierce's shirt. how did you knowmy name is pierce? it's embroideredon your greendale shirt you gotat the student store. how'd you know i got itat the student store? i'm a touch psychic. all: oh. huh. hmm.

anyway, i used to goto greendalejust like you guys before i came out hereto be free. so this ishow greendalegraduates end up... as transientmountain men. huh.not as bad as i thought. but don't you misshaving stuff? out here,you haveeverything you need. and you can bewhoever you wanna be. all: huh.oh.

♪ here in the woods ♪ you're totally free ♪ you can live off the land ♪ and be who you want to be both: ♪ we can be our own men ♪ and i don't need an a ♪ the perfect mom pressure would all go away ♪ greendale is crazy ♪ and so is that moose

hi, troy. ♪ greendale turns people's screws so loose ♪ we're no exception to tell you the truth ♪ which is why the woods is perfect ♪ for all of you ♪ being socially conscious can be really tough ah. ♪ here in the woods ♪ you can forget all that stuff ♪ i don't like the pressure

♪ to always be cool ♪ i was gonna sing that ♪ now i don't have a rhyme ♪ we all try our hardest ♪ but the pressure in college shirley: ♪ sometimes gets so tremendous ♪ that it would be stupendous annie: ♪ to be free ♪ far away

both: ♪ from greendale mmm, ooh, yummy. ♪ i really love these berries ♪ where are they from? ♪ my hand just made a rainbow ♪ and my... ♪ magic, magic ♪ well, these magical berries ♪ put us in a drug seq...

♪ they make everything swirly ♪ whoa, that bush sounds like shirley all: ♪ now, we're free ♪ from greendale be free, my friends. ♪ from greendale ♪ be free. (sighs) simply inspiring.

ten minutes ago,you weren't even speaking. and now, you've admittedthat a strange man hand-fed youpsychotropic berries. this ispuppet therapy work... dean! there is a firein the cafeteria. garrett, not now! (groans)(chuckles) where was i?ah! i was healing you. hmm?go on.

well, those devil berriesfreed our minds and loosened our tongues. your skinis so beautiful and soft. it's like felt. (overlapping relaxed dialogueand sighing) i feel so freeout here, like i'm my own man. if jeff saidwe had to live out here,

i'd totally be downwith that. (sighing) me too. can i tell you guysa secret? yeah, sure. i was at the grocery storewith my kids, and i thought i saw andrewalk by with another woman. i love women. i'm gonna go takea growler.

anyway, i wantedto follow andreand the woman, so i left my kidsat the magazine stand for just a minute,but somehow, i lost track of timeand ended up tailing them all the wayout of town. it wasn'teven andre. the horrible part isi forgot my kids and left them all nightin the grocery store. (down-tempo music)

well, there y'all go,giving me that look, treating melike judas, judging melike judy. you know, judge judy.she judges people. shirley, this is the firsti've heard of you leaving your kidsin a grocery store. i have no memoryof you saying that. well, if you don't knowmy secret, why have we all beenso awkward around each other?

i thought everyone heardmy secret. i didn't hearyou say anything. so nobody else heardmy terrible secret about how i... trail offfrom time to time? did everyone herereveal a secret? all: mmm-hmm. and no one remembersanyone else's,including mine? all: mmm-mmm.

those berriesmade us real talky but not real listen-y. so if no one heardor remembers anythinganyone else said... both: we're in the clear. ♪ we're in the clear i'm a genius! yeah! ♪ we're in the clear ♪

um, guys? well, um,don't mind me. i'm sure you guyscan get onwith your lives without the worst mom ever. sounds good.anyone up for a movie? abed, sit. shirley, you have nothingto be ashamed of. no one thinksyou're a bad mom. thanks, jeff, but i'm...i'm just gonna go home now.

shirley, wait. i think i knowhow to make you feela little less horrible. britta: i likewhere you're headed. okay, who's holding?i have four berries, but i am saving themfor laser floyd. no, we all needto re-shareour secrets sober. look, we were allfeeling crappy earlier, but at least we werefeeling crappy together. shirley is alone now.

this is the only wayto put us on equal footing, and if it makes itany easier, we can usethese puppets. ah, yay! shut up. okay. i found the perfect girlfor me, and then,i met her kid. ♪ i said it didn't bother me

♪ but truthfully it did ♪ i promised him i'd make it ♪ to a baseball game he had ♪ but i bailed and never called again ♪ and now i'm just exactly like my dad ♪ i am an activist ♪ that's always been my choice ♪ truth is i've never voted ♪ except when i watch the voice

♪ i was struggling in history ♪ i'm normally the best ♪ i let cornwallis rub my feet ♪ to give me all the answers to a test ♪ i caused ♪ the greendale fire ♪ of '03 ♪ fifty acres ♪ went up in a blaze

♪ all because i burned an ant hill all: ♪ this secret inside me ♪ was trapped beyond a doubt ♪ and now my most terrible secret's out there you are. come on, guys. ♪ i've never slept with the great eartha kitt ♪ we dry humped inside of her tour bus ♪ and now my most terrible secret's out ♪

i wanna thank you allfor being so open, and honest,and for syncing your mouthand hand movements. and now,for my most terrible secret. i am not what you wouldcall traditionally... wait, abed,you nevertold us your secret. that's right. i didn't share onethat night. after we got backfrom the woods, everyone was being silentand not making eye contact.

i didn't know why,so i mirroredyour behavior. both: oh. (giggles) thank you, jeff, and i don't thinkyou're anythinglike your father. i don't knowhow you take careof one kid, let alone three. aw.that's nice. so nobody thinksi'm a slutty cheater?

all: no. or me as a criminal? (laughs) nobody respects meany less asa political activist, right? well, uh... the levelto which we respect you as a political activisthas definitely not changed. that's howi would say it. exactly.

whew. bye, dean. bye-bye. both: bye, dean. abed: knowledge isa party. once again,i help fixeveryone's problems only to go home alone. puppet jeff: (seductively)who says youhave to be alone? jeffrey.

(abed humming) (scatting) (beatboxing) (humming)

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