puppets by gwen

♪ sifl and olly ♪ - ♪ sifl and olly show ♪ - everybody! ♪ sifl and olly show ♪ - ♪ sifl and olly show ♪ - rock! ♪ sifl and olly show ♪♪ okay,here's those guys. sifl: ( sighs ) thank you, chester. hi, everybody,and welcome to the show. my name's sifl,and this is--

- dude.- what? - i just got a message on my machine...- uh-huh. - from that stealth guy.- the guy who hates you. and he said that he found outwhere i live again. - oh, dude.- he's gonna kick my ass, dude. - for real?- yeah, for real! so if i gotta goduring the show, - i gotta go, okay?- okay, that's fine. but just handle it for meor something

'cause i don't knowwhat to do, man. - this guy's serious.- if he shows up, take off. - you're gonna know when he shows up, believe me.- really? okay, well, we gotta goto our interview now. so we'll see you in a minute. hi, everybody, and welcometo the part of the show where-- is that stealth?i'm out of here! bye! hey, you punk-ass freak,where's olly? oh, you must be stealth,huh?

damn right i am!where is he? he's hiding from you, so... well, you better find himright now or you're next, buddy. dude, you can't smoke in here.put it out. i smoke becausei'm a bad-ass mother. can you hold onjust one second? every cigaretteis a tiny smoke signal beckoning the angel of death. you're kind of a jerk.

smoking makes you look cool,it makes you die young, which are both very tough! yeah, whatever. what's your problem man-- i'm a bad customer! okay, tell me whyyou're after olly. i mean, this is ridiculous.what-- that little jerki'm gonna kick his ass. well, why? that little punkdrove a golf cart

through my bar mitzvah! and not only that,he was dressed up like beaver! well, some things you just gottalet pass, dude. how the hell am i supposedto let that pass?! embarrassed me in frontof my whole family! i'm a family man! and he's gonna dieat the end of your show if you don't get him out here now! all right, gimme one secondand i'll go talk to him, okay?

oh, so he's here. - no--- little lying punk-ass. i oughta kill ya. well, good luck, buddy.hold on. hey, olly.olly, come on in here, dude. - olly: is he gone? - sifl: yeah, he's gone. - it's all clear, come back in.- no, he's not. he's right there! dude! - punk.- dude, i want you guys to settle this right now. - this is ridiculous.- no way.

talk this out.get it solved. um... okay, look, dude,you can drive-- you can drive a golf cartthrough my bar mitzvah, okay? that's cool.you're having a bar mitzvah? yeah, i'm...having one next week. okay, i'll be there. you're not even jewish. ixnay on the ewish-jay.

what was that? i think he just saidsomething in pig latin, like "i'm not jewish"or something. you little punk!you're dead! after the show,the cameras go off, you go off, mother! it was just a stupidbeaver costume! i can't even--i'm out of here! the black wrath of hellwill fall from the skies!

bat wings sweeping your gravewith black smoke, death, and hell! okay, can we justsettle this later, then? - sure.- great. ♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, rock facts, rock facts ♪ ♪ rock facts ♪♪ the answer coming up. - dude, would you just leave, okay? - you're dead. wait outside or something,but you can't be here.

- why?- we're gonna do a song. and you're gonna ruin it. it's just--your whole presence is gonna just popthe creative bubble. i'm gonna pop your skulllike a bubble. - oh, cool, that's great. thanks a lot.- listen, dude. listen, man,this is a special song. - you have no right being here.- yeah. i'm-- i'm gonna--i'm gonna kick his ass,

- and then i'm gonna kick your ass.- you're not gonna touch me. and then i'm gonna kick itlike rock death. you hear me, you stupidlittle ( bleep ) jerks? - hey!- dude, you're not gonna do anything. - we're gonna do our song. we're gonna do it how we want.- oh, yeah? - we're gonna make our audience happy.- oh, yeah? - and you're not gonna get in our way!- oh, yeah? our audience wantsto be happy, right? so we're gonna do a nice songfor everyone!

and everyone's gonna smileor i'm gonna comekick your ass myself! - you're dead.- yeah, we're gonna be real happy on your ass. we're gonna getreal happy on your ass, buddy. hey, get a load of this! you want happy, buddy?!you got it, buster! ♪ well, it's okay'cause cindy's a hostess ♪ ♪ and it's okay'case she's a the mostest ♪ ♪ and it's okay'cause cindy's a hostess ♪ ♪ she's a-okay'cause she's the mostest ♪

♪ the blackest wrath,the earth shall crumble ♪ ♪ mountains of your skullsshall tumble ♪ ♪ death, decay,destroy forever ♪ ♪ nightmare,scratching dreams i'll sever ♪ ( faltering ) ♪ it's okay,cindy's a hostess ♪ ♪ and it's okay'cause she's the mostest ♪ ♪ she's a-okayand she's the mostest ♪ ♪ smoke and fireburn the darkness ♪ ♪ the sickle swinging,fear and sharpness ♪

♪ the terror sweepslike bats through hades ♪ ♪ the heart is ticking,death is waiting ♪ ♪ and it's okay,cindy's a hostess ♪ ♪ she's doa ♪ ♪ she's the mostest ♪ ♪ rise and writher,snakes shall slither ♪ ♪ through your bodyas you shiver ♪ ♪ cold and helplesson my dagger ♪ ♪ mythologyand jerry springer ♪♪

sifl: not unlike pink floyd's "the dark side of the moon" and "the wizard of oz," the prodigy's "the fat of the land" perfectly replaces the soundtrack of "free willy 2." wow. are you still sufferingfrom sleepwalking? uh, i don't know.am i? well, i don't know.

what are all these tiresdoing in the kitchen? oh. i think you'vebeen sleepwalking and taking all the tiresoff our neighbors' cars. - yeah, i dream that i'm in the army and i--- take tires off cars? - yeah.- is that what you did in the army? well, no, but we used tiresto exercise with. ( snickers ) ( laughing ) how do youexercise with a tire?

have you ever picked upa tire? - no.- they're heavy. oh, okay, i think we gotta goto precious roy now. hello there, friends, and welcome to the precious royhome shopping network. - i'm olly.- hi, i'm sifl. we are the spokesmen,as you know, for the precious roy lineof quality products. today, mom and dad,get the kids.

they're not gonna believethis one, okay? - we all love pets, right? i love 'em.- yeah. yeah. but we also know they can bea bit of a problem. - right, guys?- you know about the problems i have with pets. yeah, you got some serious-asspet problems, man! with the precious roy's lice monkeys, all your problems are over. they're quiet. no messes. never run away. okay, guys, these aren't gonna chew up your newspaper.

they're gonna start writing their own newspaper, okay? you're gonna grow whole civilizations in a glass of water. and you can watch them go to school in the morning with the free magnifying lens,not included. watch them get married, folks.let's take some calls. this is incred--i'm overwhelmed. yeah, we got hear what'son the street about this. man: hello, i'm a scientist,

and i was wondering how big these things'll get. 'cause quite frankly, i just-- i just don't see them. olly: okay, when was the last time you had your eyes examined, okay, buddy? man: i think you guys are trying to push plankton on us good people. if you looked harder,you'd see the truth. look with your heart.get your eyes checked. next call.

man: oh, my god, 911? my son accidentally drank an entire glass full of lice monkeys,. oh, my god, did you call a vet?!did you call a vet?! no! okay, what you'regonna need to do is make an incisionfrom your son's chin all the way downhis stomach, okay? but he'll die. i can't do that?

what's more important,huh?! your son or millions uponmillions of civilizations?! i see your point. i'll do it. i'll do it, thank you. olly: now, folks, these lice monkeys are your friends. they want into your homes. they need youto start their lives. they're waiting for you.

let's take a little talkwith precious roy about it. precious roy. this is precious roy! and i just ate a handfulof honeybees! precious,what about the lice monkeys we're trying to sell here? buy my soda taffy! pre-- oh--precious, we're on the air trying to sellyour lice monkeys.

you're on the air?!suckers! ♪ precious roy, precious roy ♪ ♪ making lots of suckers out of girls and boys ♪♪ ♪ calls, calls, calls,calls from the public ♪ ♪ calls, calls,calls, calls ♪♪ ready, captain? i'm ready to takecalls from the public. okay, cool, just pick upyour phone and yell into them, - and you should get through.- to us.

okay, caller, go ahead. - hey, you guys dig chicks?- sifl: yes, sir. yeah, well, i dig theman awful lot. i dig 'em. ♪ and they justdon't dig on me ♪ they just don't dig on you. no, they don't.they just don't. why did you sing that? sing what, partner?you crazy son of a bitch. - listen to my story--- what's your question?

my question is i want to knowwhy i'll be out with a girl ♪ and she's just nothaving any fun ♪ and then i take her home.i take her home. ♪ and she just won'tgive it up to me ♪ me neither. exactly the kind of guythat makes it hard for me to find girls because they're a wreck after they go out with you. i'm your nightmare.

oh, god, all right,next caller. uh, hi, my atm cardonly gives me monopoly money. why? w-well, i don't know. it's just giving me all this-- sifl: well, what does it look like, your card? well, let me see.let me get it. it, um-- it's yellow,and it says "community chest." why do you thinkthat's an atm card?

well, it's shapedlike an atm card. are you sure you're notjust playing monopoly? i don't know.what's the difference? - the difference is not important.- i don't know. but the, uh-- olly: you're exactly the type of guy that makes girls not like to go out with me okay, next caller. that's just you, dude.

this is your landlord! - oh, god.- yeah? what do you want? two words-- frickin' monkeys,you hear me? hey, they're gone! yeah, i want them out of there,you hear me? they're still there. - no.- no, we took 'em back. but they came back. you're liars!both of you!

no, they came back becausewe let them stay up late. either they goor you go, okay? hey, you just--you just try to come over. - and you'll see what--- you'll see what 60 watch-monkeys will do to you. yeah, let's getout of here anyways. this guy bums me out. - see you guys. we'll be back.- all right. chester's here today.and we're gonna talk to him. chester's here.hi, chester.

hey, how's it going? - it's going pretty good. - yeah. um, so, uh... let's talk about your past. um... you were born in las vegas, right? ( chuckles) yeah. so what? oh, nothing, we're just tryingto learn about you, man.

all right. um... and whenever youwere a little boy, you were put in-- you were raised by a dance--a tap-dancing troupe? yeah, they kind of considerthemselves a tribe. so it's a tap-dancing tribethat you were raised by. yeah. they had rhythm.( chuckles ) well, actually,i learned, um--

when i was about 15, i usedto sit on the roulette tables, and i got an amazing senseof rhythm from that thing ripplingacross my ass. i'll bet. sifl: the answer after the break. sifl: certain notes in mariah carey's high range have actually been known to make dolphins abduct and eat small children. - olly: whoa. - sifl: yeah.

have you driventhe new 3-d barbie van? no, i haven't driven one. all toys are-- all the toysare going holographic. in the future, everything'sgonna be holographic. so what-- i mean,what do you buy? just a holograph? all you buy-- all you buyis the base, the stand. that's gotta be really heavy. it is, it's huge,and then that--

- all your toys are produced through holograms.- the stand. holograms-- everythingis gonna be a hologram. so you can't touch anything,though. - you just look at it.- in the future-- no, in the future,you won't touch anything because everythingwill be a hologram. but you can geta lot more things. - you just won't be able to touch them.- right, they're holograms. okay, we got to takean interview now.

here's an interview. yo. hey. - hip-hop.- how's it going? okay, it's the interviewpart of the show, and today's interview throughthe ecstasy of technology is via satellite to the moon, - which we're really excited about.- yeah. we're going to goto the moon

and visit withour contest winners of the sifl and olly free accessto the moon contest. you might've seen that.these are the winners. they've won three years in spaceto do whatever they want. there's no mission.total freedom. and you got to remember,these are three dudes from ohio university that are just kind of crazyto begin with. yeah, they're not eventrained astronauts.

and i mean, up there,there's so much-- you can joyride. you can do whateveryou want up there. yeah, and these guysare having fun up there. - yeah, and there's no cops up there.- not on the moon. there's no cops.so rock, you know what i mean? so any second,we should be getting the transmission coming in. they they should be cuttingin any second now,

but this is going to be--this is going to be good. this is going to be exciting.oh. champs 1.this is champs. - yes, you're on--- these are the champs 1 calling. is this"the sifl and olly show"? yes, you're on the show.you made it. yeah, we just made it tothe moon about 20 minutes ago. we were in the galaxyof n-tobbin. - yeah, okay, everybody--- we went to a theme park there.

we went on the roller coasters,and then after that, we battled the planetwith our robot zentar. we destroyed the whole planetwithin 22 minutes, calamity-- that's great.that's great. you see, everybody,we sent a group who won the sifl and olly contestto the moon, so we were goingto talk to them-- april 1,is this april 1? - yes, you're on the show. you're on the show. - thank you.

( groans ) are you enjoying it up there? we just made contactwith a new creature. are you okay up there? we're just going to bein a little trouble. ( static ) help. okay, ladies and gentlemen,i don't know what's-- - can you tell--- ( warbling whine )

i don't know what'sgoing on up there. i am being transformedinto a giant asparagus. dip me. hey, come in here.come on. olly: what? come in here.this is "calls from the public." yeah, okay.i was getting a drink of water. - oh, really?- listen to how much water i drank. ( sloshing )

- wow, that's really cool.- yeah. - yeah, okay.- oh, yeah, calls from the public. here we go. first caller.caller, go ahead. uh, yeah, i'm having bitof a problem in the bathroom. - oh, yeah?- what number? what number? yeah, like,one or two or... uh... three? - three?- what's three?

don't make me say it.it's so embarrassing. - say what? what's three?- i don't know what three is. shaving. no, that's totally normal. - yeah, don't worry, buddy.- really? yeah, that's just partof a man's cycle. it happens once a month.don't worry about it, really. totally--totally normal. so i'm not weird? no, it'snatures way.

oh, thank you. - sure, no problem.- see you later, pal. okay, let's take another call.caller, go ahead. yeah,what is 900 minus 400? 500. okay,and what is 20 plus 20? 40. - okay, and just one more--- wait, what is this about? what are you doing?why are you asking us?

i'm in math class right now. we're giving you answersto your test? i just thought i'd calland get some answers. - you can't do that. that's cheating.- that's cheating. oh, the teacher's coming.i gotta go. oh, jeez, okay. ♪ it's almost the end of the show ♪♪ hey, everybody,welcome to the end of the show. dude, you're justgoing to have to--

- i know.- you're just going to have to piece yourself together, man. i can't believe it. i mean, shejust ripped me apart. dude,that's rock 'n roll, man. - yeah, i mean--- you know how it is on the road, dude. yeah, i mean,you think these girls want something more from you,and all they want from you - is that your--- they just want the limo. - they want the rock.- they want the rock.

- yeah,- then they wanna rock all night. they want the wine. it's tough. but you know what, dude?comes with the package. 'cause that'srock 'n roll, dude. you're right, dude. ♪ and then she ripped outmy heart and soul ♪ ♪ and acted likeit was nothing at all ♪ ♪ she wants to go wherethe bad girls go ♪

♪ like at a rock 'n roll,rock and roll show ♪ ♪ and acted likeit was nothing at a-a-all ♪♪ ( chuckles)okay, ladies and gentlemen, here's sifl and olly. olly: wow, you actually did it right. - hi, everybody, welcome to the show.- ( cell phone rings ) and-- what the hell's that? oh, that's my cell phone.let me get it. dude you turned your cell phoneon and brought it in here?

no, i just never turned off. i always keep it on. you shouldn't bring it on theshow, dude, 'cause what are you going to do, take a call? yeah, well, we take calls fromthe public. we have an interview, folks,here it is. hello, and welcome to theinterview part of the show. today we've got delixis urbanyawho invented favorite flavored fuzz-- olly?

- hmm?- he cancelled. - he cancelled?- yeah, he left-- - did you get someone new?- no. no. he cancelled. - he left me a message--- why didn't you tell me he cancelled? he left me a messageat like 1:00 today. - i don't know, i mean--- why didn't you tell me? i--i'm telling you right now. i never heard the phone ring. yeah, well, he called early.

oh, yeah,like 2:00 in the aft-- you turned the ringer off again,didn't you? i was not up at 2:00 in-- i was up before 2:00in the afternoon. what time did you get up?1:45. - n-- no.- okay, what time did you get up then? i don't-- don't ask mewhat time i get up! we're on tv! i don't care if we're on tv.

the point is you turn offthe ringer every morning-- no, we're on tv,you're talking about our ringer. you're talkingabout what time i get up. people are cancelling and you'reyou're not even telling me, - and we go on television with nobody.- now we have the interview time to do something,so you got anything in mind? yeah, i want to fight youright now, and i want to change the channelto something different - and beat your ass!- yeah, get your ass out of my face.

( yawns ) god...i feel like crap. gosh, my head is killing me. ( groans ) where am i? where-- where am i? am i wearing ski boots? oh,they're anti-gravity boots. okay, i--i gotta go home. i just-- look, i don't knowwhat happened last night,

but let's just pretend the wholething didn't happen, okay? i mean, you're really furryand everything. i kind of like that, but--( burps ) excuse me. did i-- did i eatraw bacon last night? i-- i gotta go. i mean, i really gotta go. um, what did you sayyour name was? ( horse neighs )

oh.oh, not again. and today, we're gonna recap--i don't know-- ( rings ) - what the hell was that?- it's the phone. - you turned it back on now.- you told me you got mad when i turned it off. so you turned it back onduring the show. yeah, i didn'twant to miss any calls. - how did you--- ( rings ) so you're giving the number--the number of the phone here

- out to people?- sure, how are people-- you can't be doing that, dude. - how are my friends gonna call me?- ( rings ) - what? during the show?- any time. you give them your home number,not here number. - this is my home number.- ( rings ) i have my cell phone,and that's too expensive for people to call me on that. i'd rather have themcall me here.

- ( rings )- i can't believe you. well, hmm. ( synth music plays ) ♪ won't you come to ♪ ♪ answer my phone,answer my phone ♪ - ♪ answer my phone, answer my phone ♪- ♪ won't you ♪ ♪ answer my phone ♪ ♪ won't you ♪ ♪ leave me alone,leave me alone ♪

( clears throat, chuckles ) - ♪ leave me alone ♪- ♪ leave me alone, leave me alone ♪ - ♪ leave me alone, answer the phone ♪- ♪ leave me alone ♪ - ♪ answer my phone, leave me alone ♪- ♪ leave me alone ♪ ♪ leave him alone,leave him alone ♪ - ♪ leave me alone, leave me alone ♪- ♪ answer the phone ♪ ♪ the phone ♪ - ♪ answer the phone, answer the phone ♪- ♪ answer the phone ♪ ♪ answer the phone,answer the phone ♪

- ♪ answer the phone ♪- ♪ answer the pho-o-o-ne ♪ ♪ answer the phone ♪ ( vocalizing,telephone rings ) no, you can't make me! ♪ i'm coming to answerthe telephone ♪ ♪ now ♪ you can't make me...answer the phone. ♪ i'm gonna answer the phone ♪♪ find out in a minute.

( fanfare plays ) good evening and welcometo the news. my name is sifl. tonight we're going to behaving a weather repor-- no, way, no,the weather girl's out. she can't do anything.no way. she did me. hi, this is anita zest. i don't know whatthe weather's like now,

but last night was so hot,wasn't it, olly? - i guess.- i wrote some poems for you, baby. hey, look, it is unethicalto date the weather girl. - what about you and serena?- i miss you. but that's different, we were ona totally different level. - oh, baby, i can't wait.- yeah, right. there are gonna be somechanges made around here. - good night, folks, thank you.- ( both moaning ) if you remove the gem on gwen stefani's head,

she will deflate like a punctured love doll. just take a wordlike "onion," okay? - okay.- okay, you got the word "onion." which you know,i hate onions. i know, but just--this is gonna prove the point. you hate onions, too,though, don't you? - yeah.- okay. but if you--this'll totally prove my point. - if you take the word "onion."- mm.

- take the first letter.- yeah. - take the last letter.- okay. see? it spells "on." oh, yeah.so that's why-- so the first letterof every noun and the last letterof every noun, - when you put them together--- spell "on." no, it's a preposition.that's what a preposition is. wow, what about, uh...

"about." "about" is a preposition. - okay.- and that would be "at," which is another preposition. - ah.- okay. - and now precious roy.- time for precious roy. hello there, folks,and welcome to the precious royhome shopping network. we're gonna offer youthe type of quality - you can only get from a precious roy product.- a precious roy product.

now are you one of thosealternative types? - yes.- sure, you are. you had piercings yearsbefore anybody else did. but you know what,folks, seriously? some of us are runninginto some piercing problems. oh, you know about my problemswith piercing. that's right, dude,you've had some serious-ass piercingproblems, haven't you? yeah, i have.

you've pierced everysquare inch of your body. where you going to go? one more hole,you're going to be leaking. blood or-- or urine. where do you go from here,folks? your pets. the precious roy pet piercer. now we know aren't only our friends. they are our accessories.

it's time to start utilizing the piercing possibilities. i'd-- sifl, i would love to see a donkey with earrings. sifl: oh, me too, well, you know, bulls had nose rings years before anybody else did. that's right,it's time that you're pets pay for your personality. let's take some calls. man: yeah, hi, i have everything on my body pierced. i mean, everything is pierced.

terrific, so this is yourkind of product then, right? well, yeah, it's crescent fresh, but i have a pet snake, and i pierced his tongue. - okay.- okay. - and he's having some troubles. - really, what's wrong? well, he can't retract his tongue into his mouth, and sliding around running into things. that's too bad,but what's the reaction you get when your friendswhen you're with the pet?

well, they say he looks great. - sifl: well, terrific. - thank you! olly: let's take another call. caller? old woman: yes, i was calling about your pet piercers. - yes, do you like them? - i think they're terrible. makes good-looking pets look like slackers. hate those types. - let me ask you this, you old hag--- what?! do you put little sweaters and things on your dogs?

of course i dress up poochie and mulacho all the time. what's the difference, huh?accessorize. get with it. you're old. enough said. now, folks, the pet piercers are for you. they're for your home.they're for the pets. style. let's talk with precious roy, precious? this is precious roy. and the kids in the parkthink i'm a weirdo. what about the pet piercers,precious?

buy my antifreeze. what? you guys are suckers! you ready?stop meditating. - okay, hi, everybody.- why. you know, pop musicyou might think is the most popularin the world, but actually, - it's world music.- world music. - that's the most popular in the world.- definitely.

so we want to shareand sort of broaden the whole music spectrumon this channel and really open upthe ancient language of the tubacclian monksand show you the severe karmic energythat can be opened up in the ancient language. yeah, we took a trip about fourmonths ago to the east indies and met up with this crazytribe, and they-- - and it was a tribe--- the elders--

yeah, the elderstaught us the-- taught us song through carvingsand severe stillness. it was intense.let's do it for them. it takes a little bitof appreciation, - but listen up.- okay, you ready? remember your puritywill transcend through your whole life and maybe in your urinefor like three or four days. ( rapid folk music plays )

( singing gibberish ) ( music stops ) ( clears throat )hello, everybody. - hi.- does my breath smell? - yes.- i need to brush my teeth. yeah, you need to takesome calls from the public. yeah, this is"calls from the public." - okay, caller?- caller? - go a...- head.

yeah, sifl and olly? - that's us.- yeah. yeah, i just want to letyour viewers know that there is a $75 millioninside a tree in kent, ohio. - okay.- thanks. why are you telling us that? well, i'm in jail,and i was bad, and now they're notgoing to let me out. and so whoever wants it,it's yours. okay,what are you in jail for?

uh, counterfeit... - counterfeiting.- olly: oh, man. and-- and, uh.molesting trees. mnh-mnh. mnh-mnh. great, great. okay, well,how about a new color? caller, go ahead. uh, yeah, i have twins, and i have reason to believethat my daughters

are experimentingwith black magic. - wow.- that's kind of cute. well, it's not really. they seem to be all-knowingalmost. it's really strange. you know that twinsare pretty psychic. no, i mean they got, like,my soul in this crystal, and a keep me in this jar. it's bad.it's very bad.

it's getting out of hand,what's your question, really? well, for-- for their birthday,they asked for a pony. deep voice: get us a pony! sifl and olly: get them the pony. hi, my name's abe lincoln. - hey, abe, what's up, man?- hey. not much,how you guys doing? i got a brain-rattling questionfor you little buster brocks. i go out,i get teased all the time.

i'm always getting teased.i think it's the name. - yeah.- your name's abe lincoln? yeah, apparently he'ssome big dude in our history. why don't you getyour name changed? well, i thought about that, but i think the problemreally is the beard. - what beard?- you don't have a beard, man. yeah, but when i go out,i wear the beard. - i would steer clear of all beards and hats.- and parties.

that's not really the advicei was looking for. maybe i'll try someone else. - okay, thanks, man, see you.- cool. - wow.- oh, well, we tried. yeah, we tried a lot. - see you, guys.- see you all later, bye. hi, everybody,this is the part of the show where we talk to chester. - hey, man.- hey. heads up.

did you have a good time at the donut store this morning? yeah, yeah,it was really cool. - you were a real regular down there now.- yeah. sifl told methat they're going to be naming a doughnut after you. you got a doughnut named after you? yeah,it was kind of designed-- it was kind of designedafter me, you know? - so it's going to be the chester.- yeah, yeah.

so what's it like? it's packed full of creamsand jellies. ( laughs )oh, just like you. ( laughs ) - what--- i'm kind of flexible, you know? yeah, what do have to do to geta doughnut named after you? well, i, uh--drank a cup of coffee. i was underwaterwhen i did it. wow, that's difficult.

yeah, it takes-- takes good--good lips and suction. ( laughs ) all right, chester,thanks a lot. sure. sifl: stick around for the answer. olly: no, but if the members of sugar ray were bird-shaped and had hollow bones, they could fly. - sifl: i guess they could. - olly: mm-hmm. so by this time,it's 3:00 in the morning,

and there's onlytwo of us left, and we foundtwo of the hidden passageways, two of the rotating doors. one was a bookcase. the third one ends upthat it's in the oven. yeah, in the oven.i've heard of that before. yeah, it's the back coil.it looks like a coil. you turn it,and the door swings open, - and then that takes you down into the lower tunnels.- wow.

so this whole place was justfilled with secret passageways. and you werethe only two there. yeah, we were there tillabout 5:00 in the morning. - just walking--- i got blisters. - those tunnels go all over the city, don't they?- yeah. oh, we've got to takean interview now, folks. my name's sifl,and this is the part of the show where we have interviews,but today, we don't have an interview.

we don't have any moneyto get an interview. we seem to have blown allthe money in the budget somehow, and we really can't affordto book anyone else. olly was gonna tryto figure something out, - and he's not back, so maybe i can just--- woo-hoo! i got it! - you got it? you rock, man.- uh-huh. i got all the money.we're set. we're gonna havethe coolest show. thank god.how did you do it, man?

how'd you pull it off? i sold all of your teeth. and it's thisexcellent contract. - it's all signed with this agency.- wait, wait, wait. why are you selling my teeth?what's wrong with your teeth? you're the dudethat's spending all the money hiring full-timeice sculptors and all this stupid stuffwe don't need. so they're your teeth.so i sold all your teeth.

we're set on money now. but, dude,my teeth are in my mouth. no, all you got to dois go to bed tonight. that's all you gotto worry about. and they'll leave the moneyin a suitcase under your pillowin the morning, that's it. it's a package deal.they pull and everything. i don't like this. and this is not gonnafly with my lawyer.

hi, sifl. h-- how'd you-- why-- how did you knowto come here? i'm the tooth fairy. i came for your teeth. i heard that...i get to keep them... from my lawyer. well, my lawyer told meto come down here because i'm the tooth fairy.

and i came for your teeth,okay? okay,well how about, um... look, just give meyour damn teeth, okay? and then i'll go, okay? i can't--no, i'm not gonna do it. give me your damn teeth,that's it. i'm gonna take your teeth,and then i'm gonna go. and you'll hear frommy lawyer tomorrow otherwise, and i don't think you wantto meet my lawyer.

i think you don't wantto meet my lawyer. i think you don'twant to meet my lawyer. i think... you're a cheap ho. hi, everybody, welcometo the almost end of the show. - and--- yeah, i cannot look at this guy any longer. - you guys can't see this, but our cameraman jimmy...- jimmy. his head is about the sizeof a basketball. - nice going, jimmy.- ( man grunts )

he had to goto the dentist today. had some seriousdentist work done. his head is huge. well, it's his own fault becausehe eats candy all the time. he always has a suckerin his mouth. hey, jimmy, you like donuts,don't you? - ( man grunts ) - ( laughs ) - oh, man.- oh... you know,he's going to learn his lesson.

i know. ♪ jimmy wentto the dentist today ♪ ♪ he couldn't believeall the tooth decay ♪ ♪ holes like molesand cavity creeps ♪ ♪ that's what you getwhen you eat sweets ♪ ♪ he was sitting inthe dentist's chair, i say ♪ ♪ what a naughty boy,he had tooth decay ♪ ♪ tooth decay ♪ ♪ sham-a-lamma, gingivitis,tooth decay ♪

♪ sham-a-lamma gingivitis,tooth decay ♪ ♪ brush-a, brush-a, brush-a,tooth decay ♪ ♪ brush-a, brush-a, brush-a,tooth decay ♪♪

puppets by cher

["hark! the herald angels sing" instrumental playing] ♪ ♪ - [together] ♪ christmas isabout one thing ♪ ♪ endless holiday shopping ♪ ♪ spending allyour hard-earned cash ♪ - all right, i don't know about you, i'm already bored. you know, same holiday thing we've already seen a million times. at least spice it up, right? give me a beat or something. whatever.

[ciara's "what christmas means to me"] - ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ candles burnin' low ♪ ♪ lots of mistletoe ♪ ♪ lots of snow and ice ♪ ♪ everywhere we go ♪ ♪ choirs singing carols ♪ ♪ right outside my door ♪ ♪ all these things and more ♪

all: ♪ all these things and more, baby ♪ - ♪ that's what christmas meansto me, my love ♪ ♪ christmas meansto me, my love ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, ooh ♪ ♪ i see your smiling face ♪ ♪ like i never seen before ♪ ♪ and even thoughi love you madly ♪ ♪ seems i love you more ♪ ♪ the little cards you give me ♪

♪ touch my heart, for sure ♪ ♪ all these things and more,darling ♪ all: ♪ all these things and more, darling ♪ ♪ i feel like i'm runnin' wild ♪ all: ♪ runnin' wild ♪ - ♪ as anxiouslike a little child ♪ ♪ greet you'neath the mistletoe ♪ ♪ kiss you onceand then some more ♪ ♪ wish you a merry christmas,baby ♪ all: wish you a merry christmas, baby ♪

- ♪ and such happinessin the coming year ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ deck the halls with holly ♪ ♪ and singsweet "silent night" ♪ ♪ fill a tree with angel hair ♪ ♪ and pretty, pretty lights ♪ ♪ we'll go to sleepand wake up ♪ ♪ just before daylight ♪ ♪ all these things and more,baby ♪

all: ♪ that's what christmas means ♪ ♪ to me, my love ♪ - ♪ oh ♪ ♪ oh, all these thingsto me, baby ♪ all: ♪ all these things and more ♪ - ♪ that's what christmas means,christmas means to me ♪ ♪ ooh baby, baby ♪ ♪ ooh, all these thingsand more ♪ ♪ is what christmas meansto me, yeah ♪ ♪ christmas means to me,my love ♪

[bell ringing] - bless up, bless up! happy holidays! giving back is the key. it's christmas time.merry christmas. it's all about giving back. thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you. bless up, bless up, sir. excuse me, sir.bless up. it's all about giving backto the young world.

it's the holidays.- no--no hablo ingles. - [speaking spanish] [playful dramatic music] - all right, what do you--what do you want, man? - oh, you know english now?- yeah, yeah. wha--what do you--- i like that. the key is to give back.uplift people. the more you give, the moreblessings you're gonna get back. - uh, man, all right.cool?

all right.- another one. - another what?- another one. - all right?- what is that, balmain you're wearing? - here, man.cool? - another one.- yo, you can't be serious. - another one.- ano--another what? how much cash you think i have?i'm not an atm. - it's the holidays.- did you give to the kids?

- i'm santa claus. man, you should be happy.- i'm ecstatic. - give thanks.- thanks--cool, cool. thanks, man.- feel good about this! the key is to give back,to give back at all times. what you just witnessed was rudy being a grinch. rudy's not a bad guy. he just don't seethe big picture. he doesn't hear the beat.

he doesn't havethe keys of holiday spirit, so we're gonnagive the keys to rudy. it's christmas. let the story begin. - so, yeah, you know, christmas is supposed to be about spending time with people that you love and all that, which--that's what i thought i was doing. - are you evenlistening to me?

- i can be on my phoneand listen at the same time. - okay, thenwhat am i saying? - um, i don't know.- see? exactly. - i wasn't listening.i'm sorry. - do we needto go get you a sweater? - i'm not gonna buy a sweaterjust for a christmas dinner. - here we go again.- i think--no, i'm serious. i think it's stupid.i would--i'm literally-- it stands for everythingthat i hate about christmas.

it's false consumerism,so many people buying things. buy, buy, buy.- you bought your phone. - it's a phone.this is an american work of art. from china.- the sweater thing is really importantto me, rudy. - why--how can the sweaterbe important? what're you, mr. rogers?who cares? - it's a family tradition. - it's a stupid tradition.okay?

can we get out of it, please?- no. rudy, you promised me.- i just--the christmas thing just freaks me out.you know that. make something up.tell your family that, uh, um... rudy had to go...had to go... uh, volunteer at a--at a children's hospital. - you know what, rudy?i just--i don't think i can-- - i just--i'm telling you i--[glass shatters] oh, no.

no. no, no, no, no, no, no, no. no.i broke my phone. - you're breaking my heart.- i broke my phone. bella, i broke my phone.what am i gonna do? i need to fix it.i can't-- - have fun with your phone,rudy. i'm done.- what do you mean? where are you go--bella, where are you going?

bella?- to my family. - okay, i'm gonna--listen. i'm gonna fix my phone,i'm gonna come. i promise.- no, rudy, you're not coming. we're done.- what? bella. bella! [exhales sharply] - damn.that's crazy, man. on christmas?- i know.

- the holidays?- yeah, man, yeah. - [quietly]man. y'all done, right?- yes. - y'all finished?- i guess. yeah.- a'ight, i'ma go get that. - what? get what?- hey, baby! - what are you talking about?- baby! - get--hey, where are you--wh-- i hate christmas.i hate it.

[piano glissando plays] ♪ ♪ [delicate piano music] ♪ christmas reallyfreaks me out ♪ ♪ makes me feel alone ♪ ♪ i think that elvesare creepy ♪ ♪ i'm not a fan of snow ♪ ♪ forgive me when i say ♪ ♪ that christmas is a bitch ♪

♪ chocolate makesmy skin break out ♪ ♪ i don't like decorations ♪ ♪ i'm sick ofall these cheesy songs ♪ ♪ that play on every station ♪ ♪ think it's all so wack ♪ ♪ but people seem to disagree ♪ ♪ the kids wait upfor santa claus ♪ ♪ a man with overalls ♪ ♪ he eats their milkand cookies ♪

♪ must have high cholesterol ♪ ♪ but who am i to judge? ♪ ♪ this guy's not even real ♪ ♪ there's mistletoeand candy canes ♪ ♪ all of it's so frickin' lame ♪ ♪ sorry if i sound insane ♪ ♪ christmas sweatersmake me itch ♪ ♪ decorations always glitch ♪ ♪ that's why christmasis a bitch ♪

♪ there's people shoppingat the mall ♪ ♪ for phones and big tvs ♪ ♪ wasting all their money ♪ ♪ on lightsand christmas trees ♪ ♪ making corporations rich ♪ ♪ that's why christmas isa bitch ♪ ♪ and every time i look around ♪ ♪ i see a smiling face ♪ ♪ is this a problemjust with me ♪

♪ or with the human race? ♪ ♪ all these reallyannoying songs ♪ ♪ that people love to sing ♪ ♪ what can i possiblybe missing ♪ ♪ from this christmas thing? ♪ ♪ kids wait up for santa claus ♪ ♪ a weird dude with overalls ♪ ♪ this guy's gotta havehigh cholesterol ♪ ♪ but it makes people happy ♪

♪ it makes no sense to me ♪ just a fat guy who breaks into your house.it's bullshit. ♪ i find all of this shitso lame ♪ ♪ i don't like playingcheerful games ♪ ♪ if only i couldflip a switch ♪ ♪ it's a complicated sitch ♪ ♪ these stupid sweatersmake me itch ♪ what's up, man?- bless up.

how you doing? [mischievous music] - wasn't that--wasn'tthat just you in the--in the santa outfit?- maybe. - am i--am i freaking outright now or was that just you? - you always freaking out, rudy.you always tripping. [chuckling]- how do you know my name? what're you,like, my guardian angel or so-- yo, i don't believein this shit, man.

- oh, man, my song.rudy, stop tripping, man. sing this song with me.this is my jam right here. [mariah carey's "always bemy baby" playing on radio] ♪ do, do, do-- ♪come on, sing it with me. ♪ do, do, do, do, do, do dah ♪ - i'm not gonna sing, man.- ♪ do, do, do-- ♪ sing this with me, man. - i'm not gonna sing.- ♪ do, do, do ♪ both: ♪ do, do, do ♪- ♪ do, do, do ♪

- this mariah carey, man. [together]♪ do, do, do, do, do, do ♪ all right, man, i sang.all right? i sang.- [chuckles] - i gotta fix my phone, man.that's all i care about. - i know the right place. i got the right people. matter of fact,it's down the street, man. let's ride.

- ♪ hey yeah, yeah ♪ - rudy, we here.- but we didn't go anywhere. the door is right there.go inside. i'll be right here. - this looks sketchy, man.what is this? - chill out.stop. go inside. - and i can definitelyget this fixed? - rudy, maybe i'm tryingto teach you something. - what does that mean?- i'm the key.

go inside.- man, are you gonna hurt me? - maybe.rudy, stop. - are you gonna murder me?like, what's going on? - do i look likei'm gonna murder you? - kinda.- rudy, man, trust me. you good.go inside. - i'm gonna find youif something happens, bro. - [chuckles]find me? rudy, you gotta stop, man.

you been getting beat upyour whole life, man. chill out.- i'm just gonna go inside here, and i should trust you.- yo, rudy, go inside, man. - all right.- man, you're hardheaded. get inside, man. rudy trippin'. [door creaks] - ♪ i tried to be a catholic ♪ ♪ but i didn't wannaget on my knees ♪

♪ i tried to be like buddha ♪ ♪ but i didn't feel likelearning chinese ♪ ♪ i tried to be a muslim ♪ ♪ but i just likedrinking too much ♪ ♪ i tried to be a jewish ♪ ♪ but i don't love bagelsenough ♪ ♪ i don't believe in moses ♪ ♪ i don't believe in judah ♪ ♪ i don't believe in santa ♪

♪ and i don't believein buddha ♪ ♪ i don't believe in david ♪ ♪ don't believein christmas trees ♪ ♪ found diegoism ♪ ♪ now i believe in me ♪ ♪ yes, i believe in me ♪ ♪ oh, i believe in me ♪ ♪ i tried to study scientology ♪ ♪ but i-i just did thatto meet tom cruise ♪

♪ i tried to bejehovah witness ♪ both: ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ - ♪ but i really like... ♪ - uh, excuse me.um, i'm looking for the-- - get in line.- ♪ i tried to be a vegan ♪ ♪ but i really can'tgive up pork chops ♪ ♪ i tried to be a nudist ♪ both: ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ - ♪ but the neighborskept calling the cops ♪ ♪ so confused,didn't wanna choose wrong ♪

♪ i tried to be religious-- ♪- uh, excuse me? i was told i couldfix my phone here? - oh, wait, so ju--just'cause i'm mexican you think i could fix your phone?- no, no, no, that's not it. - oh, i see.so mexicans are not smart enough to fix phones?that what you're saying, bro? - no, that's notwhat i meant at all, man. it's just my screen needsto be fixed. it's pretty easy. - oh, it's easy.so a mexican can only do it

'cause it's easy.i understand, okay. - [exhales sharply]can you fix it or not? - oh, the bakercan fix anything. - who's--who's the baker? - she--she's, like, magic.like, you know, criss angel? she's like criss angel,except she-- she's not full of shit. what's up with your hair, bro? - my hair?- you look like bruno mars,

except you're not famousor--or talented. - look, man, i'm just tryingto get my phone fixed. all right, if you can't do it--- whoa, hold on, hold on. come back, come back.i'm just messing around with you.come on, let me see that phone. damn, that is a big crack. i haven't seen that much cracksince high school. i'm just kidding.i didn't go to high school. - come on, man.can you fix it or not?

- you like cookies, rudy?- how do you know my name? - hmm, i know a lot of things,bro. you know,when you walked in tonight, you know what i thought?this guys doesn't belong here. but now?now i realize, this is exactlywhere you belong, man. - what does that mean?- i don't know what i'm talking about,to be honest. i think i'm still drunk.- rudy,

the baker is readyfor you now. - oh, hell, yeah, bro.that's dope. you're really lucky, man.all these people are in line waiting to see her, and you justget to jump the line. - what am i supposed to sayto this baker person? - relax with all the questions,bro. what're you, ellen degeneres? geez, just go in there.and take off your jacket. relax.all right, man, whatever.

- good luck, papi. [soft music] [clattering] - [knocks softly] excuse me? - hi.- hi. - have a cookie.i just made these. they're really, really good.- i'm a vegan. i can't--- have a cookie.

- i'm on a diet.- no, no, have a cookie. - allergies.i can't. - trust me.- i--thank you. i appreciate that.i'm okay. - eat the [bell dings] cookie. let's play a little game.- i like games. - the thingthat matters most to you in this whole wide world is? - starbucks.easy.

- no.- um, shark week. for sure.- no. - instagram.- nope. - okay, you kno--i got it. you know when you'reat a restaurant and you go to the bathroomfor a sec and when you come backfrom the bathroom, your food that you orderedis already at the table? - no.- no?

- no. - really? - you can learn somethingwhile you eat that cookie. - what do you wanna know? - the thingthat makes you scared. like, your biggest fear. - spiders.for sure. [metallic pop] spiders.- no. - uh, clowns.dude, clowns.

- no.- you're not afraid of clowns? - mm.- anchovies. - nope.- an alien invasion? - no.- when you order an uber, and the uber driverstarts talking to you and won't shut up.- no. - don't take ubers?- i didn't say that. i just wanna knowfrom your heart. - people who wearsocks and sandals.

- come on. - losing bella. - why? - i mean--i guess it's just 'cause of the way i am. it's real dry. - you need some milk? [bells jingle] - the fridge?

[wind blowing] whoa, whoa!what the-- what the--what is this, narnia? - go ahead.it won't hurt. - you want me to go in there? [soft dramatic music] [coughs] what is this place? ow.what the hell?

who are you? ow, wh--[coughs]why are you slapping me? - because you askthe wrong questions. how am i supposed to usemy infinite wisdom to help you if you don't askthe right questions? - wai--you...you have infinite wisdom? ow.- what're you, sexist? i can't have infinite wisdom because i'm a woman?- no, no, no, no.

i didn't mean it like that.sorry. can you stop slapping me,please? - [exhales]i'm sorry. i think i overreacted.- where the hell am i? - maybe a better questionwould be, "hmm, why am i here?"- [sighs] okay.why am i here? - only you can answerthat question. - you told meto ask the question.

- no, i didn't.- how about-- do you want me to just be quiet? i'm just gonna stop talking.is that what you want? i'll stop talking? - in the mystical realmof winter wonderland, music not only hasthe power to heal but also to enlighten. stay in the path and you,rudy, will find the light. - you didn't slap me that time.you didn't--

of course. - because you askedthe right question, and, also, your noseis starting to bleed. - my nose is bleeding?- yeah. - i am bleeding.- me too. - no, no!hey, hey, hey! hey, come back! hey, hey, hey! stop--stop it!stop that guy!

stop that guy.stop him, stop him. - hey, he has my phone.- hey, what's your problem, man? he has my phone.he just took my phone. he went inside there.- he's on the list. - that's a thief.you let a thief on the list? - how you think he got onthe list in the first place? this is club naughty.you have to be a real shitty personto get in here. - this guy just took my phone,man.

like, what am isupposed to do? [indistinct chatter] - how much oil you gotin your hair, anyway? - what?what do you put in your hair? [chuckles]- nothing. - all right, all right.i'm sorry, sorry. just relax.i don't know if i'm dreaming or what's going on.- why don't you just let me punch you in the face,and if you wake up,

you're dreaming.- no, no. you don't need to punch me--punch that guy. - who?- this guy right here. punch him in the face.- great. [club music playing quietly] [tablet chimes] - what?- you rudy? - yeah.- are you sure? [tablet chimes]- yeah, i'm rudy.

- you just popped up on my electronic tablet here, and it says "let you in."you're pretty high on the list. - i'm on--i'm on the list?- yeah, right on top, man. you must do some freaky-ass shitto get in this club. go and enjoy yourself, okay?- i'm good? - uh, yeah, you're really good. - all right, thanks, bro. all right.thanks, bro.

[tablet chimes]- ♪ tell me all your secrets ♪ [bebe rexha's "i got you"]♪ lookin' like you need it ♪ ♪ 'cause i got you ♪ ♪ you oh ♪ ♪ you ♪ ♪ i got you,i got you ♪ ♪ 'cause i got you... ♪- anyone see a guy with a phone? - ♪ you oh ♪ ♪ we can get highoh, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ we can get lowoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ let me be your friend,baby, let me in ♪ ♪ tell you no liesoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ we can get lostoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ take it all offoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ give it to me alloh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ tell me what you're thinkin' ♪ ♪ always overthinkin' ♪ ♪ i just wanna love you ♪

♪ i got you ♪ ♪ don't have to be so guarded ♪ ♪ let's finish what we started ♪ ♪ it's all i ever wanted ♪ ♪ i got you.i got you ♪ ♪ we can lostoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ i'd do the time for you ♪ ♪ tell a lie for you ♪ ♪ yeah, baby,that's what i'd do ♪

♪ i'd walk the line for you ♪ ♪ take a shot for you ♪ ♪ it's true ♪ ♪ i'd die for you,i'd die for you ♪ ♪ 'cause i got you... ♪ - what's up, man?- hey, what's going on? - we're the band.- what band? - boyce avenue.- no damn boyce avenue here. - you sure?- no, yeah, i'm sure.

look, this is club naughty.you're not naughty enough. you have to [...] off, okay? - lele?- mancuso, how are you? - what the hellare you doing here? - yo, i'm always here.what're you doing here? - i don't know.some guy just took my phone, and now i'm here at the...- the naughty club. - the naughty clu--how do you know this place? - yo, i'm latina.i've been naughty since i was,

you know, like, a little girl.a baby. where's bella?- we, uh... kinda broke up.- kinda? you know, there's no kinda.you either, like, you're togetheror you're not together. you're like ricky martinor you like ricky iglesias? iglesias for me, but it's okay--- we broke up. - i thinkyou're cheating on her. i'm gonna tell herthat you're cheating on her

because, like, i have to tell--- lele, don't do that. - i'm gonna tell heryou're cheating. you wanna make out?- what? just a little kiss. un besito. just, like, you know,right here. nobody has to know, you know?- i mean... - hey...[speaking spanish] you see?you're cheating on her. your crazy.that's why you're here...

- i'm just very confused.- 'cause your naughty. - we got a problem, bro?- ricardo, ricardo, no. - you try to kiss my girl?- what? no. - yes or no, bro.you try to kiss my girl? - no, ma--what're youtalking about? - papi, look at these pants.see these pants? - here we go again.- you know how expensive these pants are?- no. - like, $10.

they're not that expensive.the point is, they look fantastic.- nobody here cares about your pants.- you don't like these pants? - no, you look like a flamingo. what do you want?- it's one sexy flamingo. you know what i'm saying?don't smile, bro. don't smile.let me ask you something. can you do this?- let me ask you something; are you trying to be ricky martin?- can you do that?

- are you tryingto be ricky martin? 'cause you can't be--- don't interrupt. why you alwayson someone else's side? mustache, pink pants.- [speaking spanish] [both talking at once] - you look likethe frickin' pink panther. - what's up, bro?what're you looking at? what's the problem?- rudy just lost his phone. - you lost your phone, bro?- yeah, some--some guy--

- you wanna lose your life?- i--what? - you heard me, bro.you wanna lose your life? - are you serious? - relax.i'm just kidding. look at his face.i'm just kidding. i'm not kidding, bro.i'll kill you tonight. i'll kill you right here.- okay, you know what? that's it, that's it, that's it. - you're gonna be killedby a man with pink pants.

- [speaking spanish]all right, all right. you know what?it was great seeing you. okay, go.- see you later, gringo. - give it up for fifth harmony.[cheers and applause] [fifth harmony's"that's my girl" playing] - ♪ yeah, who's been workingso damn hard? ♪ ♪ you go that head... ♪[together] ♪ on overload ♪ ♪ got yourselfthis flawless body ♪ ♪ aching now... ♪[together] ♪ from head to toe ♪

- ♪ ain't nothin',ain't nothin' ♪ - ♪ all my ladiesround the world ♪ - ♪ good girls better get bad ♪ both:♪ you've been down before ♪ ♪ you've been hurt before ♪ ♪ you got up before ♪ ♪ you'll be good to go,good to go ♪ - ♪ destiny said it,you gotta get up and get it ♪ ♪ get mad independentand don't you ever forget it ♪

♪ got some dirton your shoulder ♪ ♪ then let me brush it offfor ya ♪ ♪ if you're feeling meput your five high ♪ [together] ♪ that's my girl ♪ ♪ that's my girl ♪ - ♪ what you waitin' for? ♪ - ♪ that's my girl ♪ - ♪ la ♪ ♪ nod if you've been playedby every boo... ♪

[together]♪ just trying to show you off ♪ - ♪ thought he was the bestyou ever had ♪ ♪ until he... ♪[together] ♪ cut you off ♪ - ♪ bet you,bet you know your worth ♪ all: ♪ if you're feeling meput your five high ♪ both: ♪ that's my girl ♪ - ♪ oh ♪[together] ♪ that's my girl ♪ ♪ that's my girl ♪- ♪ oh ♪ - ♪ what you wait,what you wait ♪

♪ what you waitin' for? ♪ [together] ♪ that's my girl... ♪ - that's him.that's the guy. - that's him.that's--that's the guy who has my phone. it's this guy. the phone is in his crotch area.you see that? - ♪ put your heartand your soul in it ♪ - elf raid!

[all screaming] [all screaming and clamoring] - he took my phone!no, he--he took my phone! [overlapping shouting] - everybody out!get out! [boyce avenue playing"be somebody"] [together] ♪ 'cause weoh, oh, got a dream ♪ - get out of here!- ♪ oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ gotta be somebody ♪- move!

- ♪ be someone ♪ ♪ 'cause we, oh, oh, oh,got a dream ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh,gotta be somebody ♪ ♪ be someone ♪ - ♪ so please ♪[cheering] ♪ be somebody with me ♪ ♪ piles of magazines ♪ ♪ left from two months ago ♪ [together] ♪ i'm clinging... ♪- ♪ to old news ♪

[together] ♪ memories... ♪- ♪ i'm scared to lose ♪ ♪ now i find reminders ♪ ♪ down the sofaand under the bed ♪ [together] ♪ three words... ♪- ♪ could've made you stay ♪ [together] ♪ three words... ♪- ♪ that i left too late ♪ ♪ so go ♪ ♪ go oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ your hearthas to be followed ♪ ♪ whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

[together] ♪ 'cause weoh, oh, oh, got a dream ♪ ♪ 'cause weoh, oh, oh, got a dream ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh,gotta be somebody ♪ - ♪ so please ♪ [music fades] - i wanna get the hellout of here, man. where am i? - sorry. i'm on my lunch break now. - thanks a lot for nothing.

- [playing troye sivan's "wild"] - what the-- bella? bella!bella! it's me! it's rudy!bella! bella! - ♪ too long till i drownin your hands... ♪ - bella, what--what're you doing with him? bella, look at me!bella! bella! - ♪ leave thisblue neighborhood ♪

♪ never thought lovin'could hurt this good oh ♪ ♪ and it drives me wild ♪ - bella.bella. bella, don't-- hey, what are you doing, bro?get away from my girl. - ♪ 'cause when youlook like that ♪ ♪ i never ever wantedto be so bad oh ♪ ♪ you're drivin' me wild ♪ ♪ the wild, the wild love ♪

♪ the wild, the wild ♪ ♪ can we make the mostout of no time? ♪ ♪ can you hold me? ♪ [phone ringing]- pick up the phone, bella. - ♪ can you make meleave my demons ♪ ♪ and my broken pieces behind? ♪ ♪ too long to the weekend ♪ ♪ too long till i drownin your hands ♪ ♪ too longsince i been a fool oh ♪

♪ leave this blue neighborhood ♪ ♪ and it drives me wild ♪- what is this, the future? ♪ and it drives me wild ♪- bella, open up. please. - ♪ you're drivin' me wild ♪ ♪ the wild, the wild ♪- no, do--don't-- - ♪ drivin' me wild ♪- oh, oh, no, no, no... [groans]oh, my god. ah, shit.

oh, my god. [groans] [sighs] [wind blowing][sighs] man. [mutters indistinctly] [smacks, ice crunches] - hey, hey.chill with all the noise, bro. why you so loud?- what the hell are you?

- what do i look like to you?- i don't know. - look at the shoes.look at the ears. - i don't know.an elf? - yes, genius, an elf.- what's wrong with the elves around here, man?aren't elves supposed to be, like, happy and jolly?- jolly? - what?- do you know how many hours i work a day?- no. - 28.

- that doesn't make any sense.- exactly. - i don't understand.- guess how much they pay me. - no, i don't knowhow much you get paid. - nothing, bro. they pay me in candy canes. eight candy canes an hour. - look, man,it can't be that bad. you get to wear, like, a funcomfortable costume all day. - i can't feel my ballsin this suit.

feel 'em, bro.- no, bro. no. i'm not--i'm not gonna feel-- - i haven't washed this shitin four years. - okay, well,that's a personal choice. - do you knowhow cheap santa is? - bro, at least your girl didn't just leave youfor some youtuber. - oh, you had a girl.- yeah, but she-- - the last time i made love, waswith that reindeer over there.

- bro, at least some guydidn't steal your phone out of nowhere, okay?- who do you think made that phone?who? - i don't know.someone in china? - yeah, that's probably true.- probably. i mean, they make everything,right? - okay, okay, you'reprobably right about that one. - you know i'm right.- this ain't easy, bro. - please, man,i gotta get out of here.

how do i get out of here?- are you sure you wanna leave? - yes, please.i just-- i don't want any trouble. - the keys.- what keys? - [sighs]the keys. - what am i supposed to do?- play the keys. - play?- yeah. [piano notes plunk] [sighs]nope.

[sprightly piano music] can't you play something good?like some tupac or biggie or something like that?- i don't know any tupac or biggie, man.how's this? [ice crackles] did you hear that?- yeah, she's calling you. oh, but you don't have to go.you could chill here, you know? - i'm gonna go.- just chill, just-- - look, man,it's good to meet you.

- no, i made a new friend today,bro. please--okay.- all right, good luck, bro. - good luck.- okay, leave me. - ♪ i just want youfor my own ♪ ♪ more than youcould ever know ♪ [together]♪ ever know ♪ - ♪ make my wish come true ♪ ♪ all i want ♪ ♪ for christmas ♪

♪ is ♪ [jaunty festive music] ♪ ooh oh ♪ ♪ i don't wanta lot for christmas ♪ ♪ there is justone thing i need ♪ all: ♪ and i ♪- ♪ don't care ♪ ♪ about the presents ♪ ♪ underneaththe christmas tree ♪ ♪ i don't needto hang my stocking ♪

♪ there upon the fireplace ♪ ♪ santa clauswon't make me happy ♪ ♪ with a toy on christmas day ♪ ♪ i just want you for my own ♪ ♪ make my wish come true ♪ [together] ♪ all i wantfor christmas is you ♪ ♪ you, baby ♪ ♪ oh, i won't askfor much this christmas ♪ ♪ i won't even wish for snow ♪all: ♪ and i ♪

- ♪ i'm just gonnakeep on waiting ♪ ♪ underneath the mistletoe ♪ ♪ i won't make a listand send it ♪ ♪ to the north polefor saint nick ♪ ♪ i won't even stay awake ♪ ♪ to hear thosemagic reindeer click ♪ ♪ 'cause i just want youhere tonight ♪ ♪ holding on to me so tight ♪ ♪ what more can i do? ♪

♪ baby, all i wantfor christmas is you ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ ♪ you, you, you ♪all: ♪ ooh, baby ♪ ♪ oh, all the lightsare shining ♪ ♪ so brightly everywhere ♪ ♪ and the sound of children'slaughter fills the air ♪ ♪ and everyone is singing ♪all: ♪ oh, yeah ♪ - ♪ i hear those sleigh bellsringing ♪ ♪ santa, won't you bring methe one i really need? ♪

♪ won't you please bring my babyto me yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ oh, i don't wanta lot for christmas ♪ ♪ this is all i'm askin' for ♪ ♪ i just wanna see my baby ♪ ♪ standing right outsidemy door ♪ ♪ oh, i just want youfor my own ♪ ♪ oh, baby, all i wantfor christmas ♪ all: ♪ you, baby ♪ ♪ all i want for christmas... ♪- ♪ you... ♪

- i like this.bro, come on, do something. [low rumbling]you're freaking me ou-- i gotta go.i see the light, bro. i see the light. - i see the light!- ♪ all i want for christmas ♪ all: ♪ is you ♪- and cut! - [together]mazel tov! - whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down,usain bolt. - what?- what song did she sing to you?

- uh, i don--hey,what's the name of that song? the one that's really famous.that plays all the time? i don't remember the name.- "all i want for christmas is you"?- that's the one, yeah. - i rememberwhen she sang to me, bro. i remember likeit was yesterday. - when was it?- it was yesterday. - okay, well, i gotta go, man.thank you so much for everything.i appreciate it.

you're the coolest puppeti ever met, diego. - hey, bro, if you ever needanything, um, don't call me. - yo, yo.yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! dude, i'm so happy to see you. - oh, i see you see the light.- i just saw the light. i just saw it.- now you trust me, huh? - we gotta go--we gottago to bella's right now. - bella's?- yeah, bella's. - bella's?- bella's.

my--my girlfriend, bella, yes.- you sure you wanna go there? - right now!we gotta go right now, bro, yes. - you can't golooking like that. - what do you mean?what's wrong with this shirt? - you can't, you can't.- i paid $40-- - pick one of these sweatersright here. - why would i wear that?- bella's! - the sweater party!the sweater party! yes, yes, yes, yo!let's go, let's go.

yo, thank you--- yo, yo, chill! don't step on my jordans, man.i'm just trying to get my wings. man, chill.- all right, all right. 'cause you'remy guardian angel. - yo, rudy, come on, man.let's go. - let's go.let's go. [together]♪ hark the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ glory to the newborn king ♪ - hey, guys.[together] ♪ peace on earth... ♪

- merry christmas.[together] ♪ and mercy mild ♪ ♪ god and sinners reconciled ♪- sounds--sounds good. sounds really good.is your--is bella here? [together] ♪ joyfulall ye nations rise ♪ ♪ join the triumphof the skies ♪ - all right, you guysare freaking me out. is your sister here? [together]♪ with angelic hosts proclaim ♪ ♪ christ is born in bethlehem ♪- i like it.

very beautiful.[together] ♪ hark ♪ ♪ the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ glory to ♪ ♪ the newborn king... ♪ - [grunts] hey, hey, hey calm down.calm down. i'm good, i'm good, i'm good. hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.merry christmas. - what the hell's he doing here?- oh, no.

- loser.- rudy, what're you doing here? i told you not to come.- hey, i would be mad at the old me too,but i've changed, bella. i just saw the lightand i've changed just like that. i didn't believe it either,but i just changed. just like that.you have no idea the crazy experience i just had. [stammers]it all started with this magic-- there was a magic refrigerator.- is this kid smoking?

- after the refrigerator,one thing led to another and all of a sudden,there was this elf. this really hot, hot elf.well, okay, not that hot. relax, so she had really--uh, a good personality. she started slapping me aroundfor some reason. after that, there wasanother elf, this guy elf, who was really depressed,so i helped him out. one thing led to another,one thing led to another. mariah carey--mariah carey mademe magic cookies.

- what?- this kid is definitely smoking something.- sir, i'm not sm-- i don't smoke--usually.listen. after the mariah carey thing,i saw a light, and i had a vision,i saw the future. kanye west was the president,there were flying cars, and, uh, me and youwere together. we were together.i finally get it. i finally getwhat christmas is all about.

what it all means.it's happiness. - [laughs]he said penis. - rudy--- hey, rudy. she's moved on, pal.that's it. - what is your dadtalking about? - fruitcake enchiladasalmost ready, familia! - ha ha!- that smells fantastic. - who the hell is that,and why's he wearing a hat? - hey, who's this,your cousin?

- cousin?who are you? - [speaking spanish]- who is this? what is going on?- rudy, things can change just like that. mm, he's a musician.- but i'm a musician. - he has tattoos.- i have tattoos. - and best of all,he's never on his phone. - unless i'mon my microphone. ♪ como t㺠te llamas, yo no s㩠♪

♪ de donde llegaste,ni pregunt㩠♪ ♪ lo ãºnico que sã©,es que quiero con usted ♪ ♪ quedarme contigohasta el amanecer ♪ ♪ ã“yeme mamacita,tu cuerpo y carita ♪ ♪ piel morena,lo que uno necesita ♪ ♪ mirando una chica tan bonita ♪ ♪ y pregunto porqueanda tan sã³lita ♪ ♪ ven dale ahã­ ahã­,moviendo todo eso pa' m㭠♪ ♪ no importa idioma ni el paã­s ♪

♪ ya vamonos de aquã­,que tengo algo bueno para ti ♪ ♪ una noche de aventurahay que vivir ♪ ♪ ã“yeme ahã­ ahã­,mami vamos a darle ♪ ♪ rumbeando y bebiendoa la vez ♪ ♪ tu tranquila que yo te dar㩠♪ ♪ una noche llena de placer ♪ - [sighs][song fades out] well, where are you now,khaled? where you at?

[boxes thud, glass shatters] - dude, what the hell? - [exhales] - merry christmas to you too!- [sighs] ♪ christmas really sucksright now ♪ [delicate piano music] ♪ it's left me all alone ♪ ♪ don't have my girl beside me ♪ ♪ i have no place to go ♪ ♪ i guess this proves my point ♪

[horn honks] ♪ but i've been throughso much shit today ♪ ♪ now i'm not okay ♪ ♪ found the christmas spirit ♪ ♪ but i lost my girlfriendanyway ♪ ♪ she probably likes him'cause he's rich ♪ ♪ this stupid sweatermakes me itch ♪ ♪ i told you christmas isa bitch ♪ [song ends]

hey!hey! what're you guys doing?yo, you guys abandoned me. you both abandoned me. - you act like you surprised,man. - yeah, w--i am surprised.what are you guys doing here? - mariah, i beengiving him the keys all day. - [sighs] do you knowhow valuable that is? - what keys?what is he talkin'-- every time he says "keys,"i'm confused.

- you gotta listen to him.- you guys have been saying nonsense all day to me.- you're very fortunate. - do you have any ideawhat i just been through? you're eating chicken wings and my girljust broke up with me. - i told you i neededto get my wings. - i thought you meant--you saidyou were a guardian angel. i thought you meant wings.not wings. - i baked this dude cookies.

- what does that mean?i lost my girlfriend. - rudy, didn't i tell youi was your guardian angel? - yes,and now you're drinking wine and eating chicken wings. this is why christmas isa bitch. - ♪ no, no, no ♪- christmas is love. matter of fact,pull up your chair. let's talk. i'm gonna beeven more honest with you.

work on the hairpieceyou got up front. - what's wrong?- just a little bit. like, you could--you could--- now my hair's a problem? i think he's just sayingit's a little dramatic. - feel it--just feel it.- wow. you don't even have productin this hair. - no product.- see i have a hair product-- - hey, feel it.- i can't do that, my brother. - i went to beauty school.500 hours.

- listen. - so in the end, i don't know. i guess--i guess i kind of get what this christmas thing is about. i think it's about being yourself around the people that you love or something. or maybe it's just about having an awkward conversation with mariah carey and dj khaled. i don't know. but maybe i had it wrong.

maybe christmas is not a bitch. maybe i'm just a bitch. - mark.- i see the light, bro. i gotta go.i gotta--[thumps] i gotta go. - ♪ oh yeah ♪ - i like it.very beautiful. - ♪ lots of mistletoe ♪ - you look likeoompa loompa. - oompa--that's one sexyoompa loompa.

you know what i'm saying?- oompa--oh. - willy wonka just scoredwith these pants. you know what i'm saying? - i'll do my bestto keep you off it, okay? - ♪ right outside my door... ♪ - [gasps] i told you.i told you. - oh, oh...- don't worry. - oh, oh, i see, so, mexicans are notsmart enough to fix phones?

is that what you're saying, bro? [scoffs]you must like donald trump, huh? - ♪ christmas means to me,my love... ♪ - [exhales sharply]- [chuckles] - ♪ i see your smiling face... ♪ - huh?- yeah. - okay, so just get it lower.that's all. - okay, so just--- oh, hell, yeah, bro. that's dope.

- ♪ seems i love you more ♪ ♪ touch my heart for sure... ♪ - well, why do you look awayfrom me when you say that? - 'cause you're freaking me outwith all the cookies and the beautiful hair.come on. - [laughs]- do you really wanna leave? - yes, bro.i'd rather do anything than touch your balls right now.[both laugh] - ♪ i feel like i'm runnin' wild ♪

all: ♪ runnin' wild ♪ - ♪ and anxiouslike a little child... ♪ - so many selfish-- hey, how you doing?happy holidays. god bless. - ♪ wish you a merry christmas, baby ♪ all: ♪ wish you a merry christmas, baby ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ deck the halls with holly ♪

♪ and sing sweet "silent night" ♪ ♪ fill a tree with angel hair ♪ - hey, what's going on?we're the band. - what band?- we're, uh, not on the list? - ♪ we'll go to sleep and wake up ♪ ♪ just before daylight ♪ - ♪ all these things and more, baby ♪ ♪ that's what christmas means... ♪ - i'm like, "what?"[mumbles]

- who are you? - who are you?[laughs] - [crying softly] [...] you, santa. i was kidding. - just a little kiss.nobody's seeing. no one's gonna see.just... [mumbling, smooching] [speaking spanish]

- ♪ christmas means to me ♪ - ♪ christmas means to me ♪ - ♪ oh, baby, baby ♪ - you enjoy yourself.- i'm good? - [stifled sneeze]ah, i sneezed, dude. [laughter] - ♪ christmas means to me,my love ♪ - mark.- whoa, slow down, usain bolt. relax. where you going? - ♪ i ain't worriedabout nothin' ♪

♪ i ain't wearin' na--nada ♪ ♪ i'm sittin' pretty impatient ♪ ♪ but i know you gotta ♪ ♪ put in them hours ♪ ♪ i'ma make it hotter ♪ ♪ i'm sending picafter picture ♪ ♪ i'ma get you fired ♪ - ♪ i know you're alwayson the night shift ♪ ♪ but i can't standthese nights alone ♪

♪ and i don't needno explanation ♪ ♪ 'cause, baby,you're the boss at home ♪ - ♪ you don't gotta go to work ♪ ♪ work, work, work,work, work, work ♪ ♪ but you gotta put in work ♪ ♪ you don't gotta go to work ♪ ♪ let my body do the work ♪ ♪ work, work, work, work,work, work, work ♪ ♪ we can work from home ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - ♪ let's put it into motion ♪ ♪ i'ma give you a promotion ♪ ♪ i'll make it feellike a vacay ♪ ♪ turn the bed into an ocean ♪ ♪ we don't need nobody ♪ ♪ i just need your body ♪ ♪ nothin' but sheetsin between us ♪ ♪ ain't no gettin' off early ♪

- ♪ work, work, work,work, work, work ♪ - ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - ♪ you ain't gotta go to work ♪ ♪ let my body do the work ♪- ♪ do work, do work ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah,we can work from home ♪ ♪ yeah, we can work from home ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ oh oh ♪ ♪ yeah ♪

puppets by atmosphere lyrics

- take a punt.- [clara] right. your choice. wherever, whenever. - anywhere in time and space.- well... ...there is something, someonethat i've always wanted to meet. - but i know what you'll say.- try me. you'll say he's made up,that there is no such thing. - go on.- it's... - it's robin hood!- robin hood? yeah! i love that story.

i've always loved it,ever since i was little. robin hood,the heroic outlaw who robs from the richand gives to the poor. - [giggles] yeah!- he's made up. - there's no such thing.- oh! you see? old-fashioned heroesonly exist in old-fashionedstorybooks, clara. - what about you?- me? yeah, you. you stop bad things happeningevery minute of every day.

that soundspretty heroic to me. just passing the time.hey, what about mars? - what?- the ice warrior hives! - you said it was my choice.- or the tumescent arrows of the half-light.those girls canhold their drink. - doctor...- and fracture15 different levels of reality simultaneously.i think i've gota polaroid somewhere. doctor! my choice.robin hood. show me. very well.

- [clara clears throat]- [the doctor typing] earth. england. - sherwood forest.- [giggles] 1190 ad... - ...ish.- [electronic whirring] but you'll onlybe disappointed. - oh!- [tardis whirring] [birds twittering] [tardis whirring]

no damsels in distress,no pretty castles, no such thing as robin hood. [man] you called? very, very nicely donewith the box, sir! i saw a turk performsomething very similarat nottingham fayre. it's a trickwith mirrors, no doubt? - a trick?- a good jest. [laughs] this is not a trick,this is a tardis. whatever it is, you bony rascal,

i'm afraid i mustrelieve you of it. it's my property,that's what it is! well, don't you knowall property is theftto robin hood? - you're not serious.- i am many things, sir,but i am never that. robin hood laughsin the face of all. ha-ha-ha! - and do people ever punch youin the face when you do that?- not as yet. lucky i'm here then,isn't it? might be a little bit much, but... ooh!what do you reckon, doctor?

by all the saints! are there any more in there? - is that...?- no. oh, my god! oh, my god!it is, isn't it? you found him.you actually found robin hood. that is not robin hood! well, then... who, sir, is about to relieve youof your magic box?

nobody, sir! not in this universe,or the next. well, then draw your swordand prove your words. i have no sword. i don't need a sword. because i am the doctor. and this is my spoon! en garde! - ho-ho!- [grunting]

- [the doctor] ha-ha!- [grunts] oh! [both grunting] - [robin] ow!- you're amazing. i've had some experience.richard the lionheart! cyrano de bergerac! errol flynn! - he had the most enormous...- [clears throat] - [grunting]- ...ego!

- takes one to know one.- [both grunting] - you!- [grunting] [grunting] - doctor!- [blows] like i said... my box.[blows] doctor? [the doctor yells] [robin, clara laughing] - [chickens clucking]- [woman screams]

in the name of all that's holy, take our monies,take our treasure, - but spare my ward!- nay, do not fuss. - all will be well.- this is the sheriff's doing! if he were here now,i'd tear out his black heart! - would you now?- [horse snorts] [woman screams] or are you as milk-liveredas your name suggests,master quayle? [quayle] take me!spare this dear child.

take you?a lardy lack-wit like you? it's labour we requireup at the castle. labour and gold,not old men and theirworthless baubles. this will be a great help,master quayle. believe me. - newcomer to sherwood,are we?- yes, my lord. you may also prove useful.bring her. - [gasps]- [quayle] your daysare numbered, you cur! [spits] you shall live to regret that.

actually... no. - you won't.- [groans] no! no! [sobbing] [robin] let me introduce youto my men. this is will scarlett. he is a cheeky roguewith a good sword armand a slippery tongue. - my lady.- [men laugh] - ah!- [whirring]

what do you wantwith my hair? well, it's realistic,i'll give you that. and this is friar tuck. aptly named for the amountof grub he tucks into. - you skinny blackguard! oh!- [men laugh] - what are you doing?!- this isn't a real sandal! - yes, it is!- oh, yes, it is. this, er, is alan-a-dale. he's a master of the lute,

whose music brightens upthese dark days. ♪ fair stranger you are welcome here ♪ ♪ in sherwood's bonny glade and... ♪ ow! sorry, sorry, sorry.blood analysis. - [beeps]- oh, all those diseases. if you were real,you'd be dead in six months. - i am real.- bye. [robin] and this is john little. called little john.

he's my loyal companionin many an adventure. - [men laugh]- [clara screams] - gets 'em every time!- [all laughing] oh, i cannotbelieve it's you. [laughs] you really arerobin hood and his merry men. aye! that is an apt description.ha! what say you, lads? - [all cheering, laughing]- stop laughing! why are you always doing that? are you all simpleor something?

- i'm going to need a sample.- of what? [clara clears throat]excuse me. sorry. - ahem. what are you doing?- well, they're not holograms,that much is obvious. could be a theme parkfrom the future. or we might beinside a miniscope! - oh, shut up.- a miniscope!yes, of course! why not? your friend... seems notquite of the real world. no. no, he's not really,not most of the time. - [robin sighs]- dark days?

- my lady?- you said that these weredark days. what did you mean? king richard is away on crusade,my lady. his tyrantof a brother rules instead. and the sheriff? 'causethere is a sheriff, right? aye. it is indeedthis jackal of the prince's who seeks to oppress usfor evermore. or six months, in your case. it is a shame to dwellon murky thoughts when there issuch beauty here. [chuckles]

why are you so sad? why do you think me sad? because the doctor's right.you laugh too much. i do not live thisoutlaw life by choice. you see before you robert, - earl of lox...- earl of loxley! - ...ley. yes.- yes. sorry. do go on. i, erm...

i had my lands and titlesstripped from me. i... i dared to speak outagainst prince john. but i lost the thingmost dear to me. what was she called? so very quick. how doesthe doctor stand it? - marian?- you know her? oh, yes,i have always known her. it was marian who told me thati must stand up and be counted. but... i was afraid.

now, this green canopyis my palace and the rough groundmy feather bed. maybe one day,we'll return home. but until that day, until thatday, it is beholden on me to be the man marian wanted, to be a hero for those thistyrant sheriff slaughters. what time is it, mr hood? somewhat after noon. no, no. time of year.what season?

oh, dame autumn hasdraped her mellow skirtsabout the forest, doctor. the time of mistsand harvest approaches... yeah... all very poetic. but it's very green hereabouts,though, isn't it? and,like i said, very sunny. - [clara] so?- have you been to nottingham? - climate change?- it's 1190. you must excuse me. the sheriff has issueda proclamation. and tomorrow,there is to be a contest

to find the best archerin the land. and the bounty,it's an arrow made of pure gold. no, don't go! it's a trap! [laughs] well, of course it is! but a contest to findthe best archer in the land? [laughs] there is no contest! [all laugh] right! that isn't even funny!that was bantering. i am totallyagainst bantering.

how can you be so surehe is not the real thing? - because he can't be.- when did you stop believingin everything? when did you start believingin impossible heroes? don't you know? in a way,it's rather sweet. [crunching] [whirring] [applause] [crowd cheering]

in the contestfor the golden arrow, after ten rounds,the battle is betwixt - our lord sheriff...- [scattered cheers] [herald] ...and the strangerknown as tom the tinker! [loud cheering] perhaps not such a strangerafter all? [herald] take your places! shall we make the contesta little more interesting,my lord? the targets seem a little close.what say you? another 20 paces?

why not? [crowd shouting] [crowd gasps] now, tinker,let us see thy true face. - whoo-hoo!- [cheering] [herald] ye gads!he has split the arrow! truly, he is the finest archerin all england! come forward, tinker,and claim your prize. [crowd gasping]

- [crowd applauding]- [woman] who is he? he's full of surprises,isn't he? i am the doctor. my skills asa bowman speak for themselves. i claim my reward. a mere bauble. - i want something else.- name it. enlightenment. [cheering] [cheering loudly]

- [cheering]- this is getting silly. [all gasp] fascinating. seize him! - [groaning]- what are you doing?put that down! i'm fine! i take year sevenfor afterschool taekwondo. - don't worry, doctor!i'll save you!- i don't need saving! - your honour is safe.- i know! - for i am robin!- [all cheer] robin hood!

- ah!- [shouting] - [crowd gasping]- [electrical fizzling] [man shouts] treachery!treachery! robot! now we're getting somewhere! take them! kill the rest! - [sheriff] kill them all!- [crowd screaming] [screaming] - he surrenders!- what?

- hai!- [robin] you miserable cur! i had them on the run!flee! lads, flee! - live to fight another day!- [all shouting] - to the dungeons...with all of them!- ok. - what're you up to?- quickest way to find outanybody's plans: get yourself captured. [screams] [groaning] [woman sobbing]

- here, let me help you.- thank you, lady. what are you?gargoyle, what are you? - [distorted voice] leave it.- he only needs to rest.we all need to rest. [distorted voice] analysis showsthat peasant creature is spent. - no! no, please!- usefulness expired. no... no! no! damn you! damn you and that villainthe sheriff! - splendid! enchained!- yup.

trussed up like turkey-cocks.thanks to your friend. shut it, hoodie.i saved your life. i had the situationwell in hand. long-haired ninny versusrobot killer knights? - i know wherei'd put my money.- if you had not betrayed me, i would have been triumphant. you would have been alittle puff of smoke and ashes! - ha!- you'd havebeen floating around in tiny, little, laughing bitsin people's goblets!

- balderdash! ha!- oh, right. here we go,it's laughing time. [laughs] well, you amuse me,grey old man! - guard! he's laughing again!- ha-ha-ha! you can't keep me locked upwith a laughing person! i find that...i find that quite funny. do you know,i feel another laugh coming on? - ha-ha-ha!- guards, i cannot remainin this cell! - execute me now!- you heard him,execute the old fool! - no, hang on, execute him!- i do not fear death,so execute away!

execute him! i'd liketo see if his head keepslaughing when you chop it off! robin hood always laughsin the face of death! yes, rolling aroundthe floor laughing! i would pay good moneyto see that! guard! - guard! guard!- guard! guard! will you two shut up?! [sighs] do either of you understand, in any way at all,

that there isn't actuallya guard out there? - oh.- i did, in fact. - no, you didn't.- i said, shut up. the doctor and robin hoodlocked up in a cell. is thisseriously the best you can do? are you determined to starveto death in here, squabbling? well, i'll tell you one thing: i'd last a lot longer thanthis desiccated man-crone. [snorts] - really?- really.

well, you know what? i think you'll find i havea certain genetic advantage. oh! it is not a competitionabout who can die slower. it definitely would have beenme, though, wouldn't it? there was supposedto be a plan. do either of you twohave a plan? yeah, of course i have a plan. - i too have a plan.- ok, robin, you first. - why him?- doctor, shut up.robin, your plan?

i am... biding my time. thank you, prince of thieves.last of the time lords? yes, i have a plan. can you explain your plan without using the words"sonic screwdriver"? because you mighthave forgotten, he sheriff of nottingham hastaken your screwdriver.just saying. - it's always the screwdriver.- right, ok, well, let's hearrobin's plan first. - for god's sake!- [door opening]

[robin] see? there was a guard.there was guard listening the whole time, i knew it.[laughs] the sheriff himselfcommanded me to listen, to find out which of youis the true ringleader. ah, so he can do theinterrogating. very wise. excellent.he will get nothing from me. no, no, no,he will get nothing from me. because interrogation,that's when i alwaysturn the tables. - you see? that's my plan!- just hurry upand take me to him.

- no, no, chop, chop! come on!- [clara sighs] - seriously?- [guard] come on! - no!- [robin] what are you doing? [the doctor]don't be ridiculous! [door slams, locks] [men chattering indistinctly] 'tis a thing of beauty indeed. and will feed a family for atwelvemonth when melted down. tonight we rest.but tomorrow we must draw upplans to rescue robin.

we shall soon see how thosemechanicals feel about thetaste of nottingham steel! lord forgive me. - strange, though, is it not?- what? all this lootingthat the sheriff is doing. and yet, 'tis onlyever gold that he takes. pearls, rubies, all the preciousjewels of the realm seemno consequence to him. only gold. ♪ poor robin and the stranger lay ♪ ♪ in the dungeon all the live-long day ♪

♪ the merry men might pine away ♪ ♪ upon a sherwood morning ♪ - [man grunting]- [woman screaming] eat, my lady, eat! hm? let it not be said thatthe sheriff of nottinghamis a poor host. had a bag of crispsthis morning, thanks. your words are strange,fair one. hm, i should think they are. but i like you.you are refreshingly... direct.

you can take the girlout of blackpool. taken from your friend'sstrange tunic. an intriguing gallimaufry. including this wand. evidently a thingof awesome power. tell me, are you frombeyond the stars? you're the one withthe robot army. you tell me. - i'm sorry?- moan! beat your breast!

moan, groan as though 20devils possessed your guts! - what for?- so as to attractthe attention - of that gargoyle-faced guard.- it's your plan, you moan. no, no, no.[laughs] it won't work. - why?- because you are clearlymore advanced in years - and you havea sickly aspect to you.- i have a what? you're as pale as milk. it's the way with scots.they're strangers to vegetables. i'm not moaning. you moan.

fine. if you wantsomething doing... [moans loudly] - can i rely on youto do the rest?- yes, yes, i know the drill. - [robin moaning]- what is this din? no business of yours, cur! speak up! i can't hear you. - what ails him?- none of your business. - [robin moaning]- i said, what ails him? well, if you must know,he's having a nervous breakdown.

- [guard] a what?- he's like this wheneverhe's in any kind of danger. he just can't seem to cope,he gets so afraid,he goes into a kind of fit. i honestly believe thathe may die of sheer fright, like some tiny,shivering, little mouse. - [robin moans, clears throat]- oh, god, i thinkhe's soiled himself. [guard] let him die.it will save us the troubleof executing him. and what will happento the reward? - [robin moaning]- reward? [the doctor] oh, god,i shouldn't have said that.

tell me! he carries a vital message.the prince has promiseda bounty. - a big one?- an enormous one. - what's that? say again?- [robin moaning] [muttering] come closer.come closer. you breath stinkslike a serpent.has anyone ever told you that? [grunts] - soiled myself?- did you? that's getting into character.ok, keys!

- i'll get them.- no, no, i'll get them. - i'll get them!- doctor! - no, no, wait!- doctor! i'll get... oh! [keys rattling] [water splashes] - well, there is a bright side.- which is? clara didn't see that. but enough of tawdry matters.

let us talk of softer... ...sweeter things. ah, good, yes, i was hopingwe'd get round to that. - you were?- mm. for i have known i was destinedto draw the eye of a greatand powerful man for a long time, ever sincei saw those mysteriouslights in the sky. - you saw them, too?- and those strange mechanicalmen, with their promises. - i too have experienced this.- really? well, i would never haveguessed. tell me your story.

- tell me yours.- oh, no, no, no. - but you have to go first.- why so? because great menalways precede. - you have a point.- your story then. once upon a time,there was a brave and clever and handsome man. i can almost picture him.i don't even haveto close my eyes. unappreciatedby his royal master. - prince john?- the very same.

then came the lightsin the sky,and everything changed. the skyship came to earth in a fury of fire. i'd almost call it a crash.i remember it well. a craft from the heavenlyspheres, bedightwith twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining! the most beautiful thingthe brave and handsome manhad ever seen. and i suppose the mechanical mensaw you as their natural leader.

it was i, and i alone, to whom the mechanical menwithin imparted their secrets. shortly, i shall be the mostpowerful man in the realm. king in all but name.for nottingham is not enough. - it isn't?- after this, derby. - right.- then... lincoln. - and after lincoln...- worksop? the world! [the doctor grunts, pants]

- now what?- first a blacksmith's forge. so as to remove our chains? no, so i can knock upan ornamental plant stand. of course it's so we canget rid of our chains. i don't want to be manacledto you all night. - [laughs]- oh, no, please, please,don't do that. - "ornamental plant stand."- it's not even that funny. you're an amusing fellow,doctor! - don't. can you just stop!- [robin laughing]

[the doctor] you'll giveyourself a hernia. so, what are you hanging aroundhere for then, your majesty? why are you bothering to squeezepips out of peasants ifyou've got a skyship on standby? enough questions. i am impatientto hear your story. oh, but i do not have one. - i was lying.- lying? yeah. people are so muchbetter at sharing information if they think the otherperson has already got it.

- oh, that's very clever.- thank you. - you'll do very well.- for what? doesn't every king...require a consort? right. you do that again, and you'll regret that. [the doctor] at last,something real.no more fairy tales. - what is this place?- a spaceship.more 29th century than 12th. databanks, databanks,databanks.

where was this ship headed? the promised land again. like the half-face man,but more sophisticated. - [beeping]- disguised itselfas a 12th century castle. it merges into the culture. tries to keep a low profileso no one notices. that explainsthe robot knights. but the engines,the engines are damaged. they're leaking radiationinto the local atmosphere

creating a temporary climateof staggering benevolence. - i beg pardon?- i told you. it's too sunny, it's too green. and there is even an evilsheriff to oppress the locals. - this explains everything,even you.- it does? well, what does every oppressedpeasant workforce need?the illusion of hope. some silly storyto get them through the day, lull them into docilityand keep them working. ship's databanks.

full of every mythand legend you could hope for, including... robin hood. [beeping] isn't it timeyou came clean with me? you're not real,and you know it.look at you. perfect eyes, perfect teeth.nobody has a jaw line like that. you're as much a part of whatis happening hereas the sheriff and his metal knights.you're a robot. you dare to accuse meof collusion with thatvillain the sheriff?

- i dare!- you false-tongued knave! i should have skewered youwhen i had the chance! i would liketo see you try! [explosion] oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - surrender, outlaw!- very good. kill him. kill robin hood! you can drop all thatstuff now, sheriff. - doctor?- he's not what you think he is.

this is all play-acting. we can't justlet them kill him! [the doctor] you're not foolinganyone, sheriff. [shouting] - what the hell are you doing?- surviving. - [clara screams] no!- no! clara! yeah, sorry about the girl.such a pretty thing. what a queenshe would have made. [splashing]

stop pretending. you and your fancy robots. - i get it, i understand.- oh, so you too know my plans? you and your robotsplundering the surroundingcountryside for all its worth... gold. gold. of course. gold. you are creatinga matrix of gold to repairthe engine circuitry. this is the schemethe mechanicals have devised. soon this skyship will depart.destination: london. there, i will obliterate theking and take my rightful place

as ruler of this sceptreed isle. it won't work.there's not a chance. i've seen the instruments.there's been too much damage. you are stoking upa gigantic bomb! [clicks tongue] [gasps] [loud clang] [distorted voice] engine capacity at 48 per cent. [man shouting in distance]

engine capacity at 48 per cent. it's not enough. that's not enough.it'll never make orbit. [rumbling in distance] that's the engines,building up power. stupid, stupid sheriff. stupid... things. [pants] what are you looking at?

- hi.- the time for games is over. [woman] i thinki understand you. the sheriff is using the goldto replace something? that's the principle.but he's a moron. if he tries to fly his ship,it'll explode and wipe outhalf the country. what we needis a little riot. time to reflecton lasers and gold.spread the word. you will tell me everythingthis doctor knows about robin hoodand his merry men.

what is this?why are you interrogating me? and then you will tell meexactly who this doctor is and what are his plans. [distorted voice]you are fit for labour. stand aside while thispeasant unit is freed. - i'm afraid you'rea little late.- explain. i'm already free! [grunting, panting] mine, mine...

...mine! [distorted voice] engine capacity at 75 per cent. 'sblood! who will rid me of this turbulent doctor?! - [metal clangs]- ah! [groans] come. [man screams] ah! everyone, the last one! - [cheering]- [the doctor] out! out!everyone, quickly! get out!

- [people shouting]- [the doctor] quickly! you've saved us all,clever one. thank you. [rumbling] [distorted voice] engine capacity at 82 per cent. you are indeedan ingenious fellow, doctor. but do you really think yourpeasants' revolt can stop me? i rather think you're therevolting one around here. bantering. i'm bantering!listen to me. you don't have enoughgold content

to seal the engine breach.if you try and take off, - you'll wipe out halfof england.- liar! from my sky-vessel,i shall rule omnipotent. you pudding-headed primitive,shut down the engines! what you're doing will alterthe course of history. i sincerely hope so. - [steam hissing]- or i wouldn't be bothering. [mechanical whirring] listen to me! it doesn'thave to end like this.shut it all down.

return clara to meand i'll do what i can... - i don't have clara.- robin's one of yours! what did you say? he's one of yourtin-headed puppets,just like these brutes here. - robin hood is not one of mine.- of course he is, he's a robot! created by yourmechanical mates. - why would they do that?- to pacify the locals. give them false hope.he's the opiate of the masses. why would we createan enemy to fight us?

what sense would that make?that would be a terrible idea. yes. yes, it would... [mumbles]that'd be a rubbish idea. why would you do that?but he can't be. he's not real.he's a legend! too kind! and this legenddoes not come alone! hiya! [fabric ripping]

- you all right?- oh, yeah! good. hyah! - my men are taking the castle.- no! - and i am going to take you.- this one's all mine. [robots power down] what do you say, outlaw?a final reckoning? oh, yes. ha! - are you ok?- fine, yeah.

- good. we don't have long.- [rumbling] - i shall avengeevery slight, outlaw!- doctor... i know. the wholecastle's about to blow. you have longbeen a thorn in my side! well, everyone should havea hobby. mine's annoying you. i'll have you boiled in oilat the castle by sunset. can we make it a littleearlier, 'cause that'sa little past my bedtime! i'm too much for you, outlaw!first of a new breed! half man, half engine!

[sheriff] never aging. never tiring! are you still talking? - [rumbling]- bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves! [liquid splashing] [bubbling] sorry, was that... - ...was that showing off?- that was amazing.

run! come on, run! - [all shouting]- [loud rumbling] it's never gonna make it.not enough gold!it'll never make it into orbit! - where is it? where did it go?- where did what go? - the golden arrow!- tuck! - you took it?- of course we did. - we're robbers.- i love you boys. [clara] doctor,what are you suggesting? the golden arrow!

it might just be enoughgold content to get the ship into orbit andout of harm's way. well, it has to be you.my arm is injured. you're good at this!i saw you!you won the tournament! i cheated. i made a specialarrow with a homing device. oh, brilliant!right, let me have a go. you? you do taekwondo!that's not the same thingas this! my friends, surely wecan manage it together? go this way.

[distorted voice] engine capacity at 83 per cent. insufficient powerto achieve escape velocity. maximum power surge. - [engines roaring]- [laughs] - [alarm blaring]- [distorted voice] engines critical. engines critical. engines... [cheering, laughing] ♪ one autumn day in nottingham ♪ ♪ brave robin hood was in a jam ♪

♪ the arrow flew with truest flight... ♪ - give it a rest, alan.- [laughter] my lute! [men laughing] still not keenon the laughing thing? - no, not at all.- [laughs] - whoo-hoo!- [laughs] - [sighs]- i am gonna miss you. - [clara] you're very naughty.- [robin] oh, i know.

whoever he is, he is a very lucky man. marian is very lucky, too. - i fear not.- don't give up. not ever,not for one single day. be safe, if you can be. but always be amazing. - hm.- [chuckles] goodbye, robin hood.

goodbye, clara oswald. [both laugh] - so, is it true, doctor?- is what true? that in the future i amforgotten as a real man.i am but a legend. - i'm afraid it is.- hm. good. history is a burden. stories can make us fly. i'm still having a littletrouble believing yours,i'm afraid. is it so hard to credit,

that a man borninto wealth and privilegeshould find the plight of the oppressed and weaktoo much to bear? - i know...- until one night he is movedto steal a tardis... ...fly among the starsfighting the good fight. clara told me your stories. she should not havetold you any of that. well... well,once the stories started, she could hardlystop herself. - you are her hero, i think.- i'm not a hero.

well, neither am i. but if we both keeppretending to be... ha-ha! ...perhaps otherswill be heroes in our name. perhaps we willboth be stories. and may those storiesnever end. goodbye, doctor,time lord of gallifrey. goodbye, robin hood,earl of loxley. and remember, doctor,

i'm just as real as you are. admit it, you like him. we're leaving hima present, aren't i? robin? - i've found you at last.- marian! marian! how are you...? - oh!- [men cheering] [laughs loudly]thank you! thank you, doctor! ha-ha-ha-ha!

[the doctor] "what's that in the mirror or the corner of your eye? what's that footstep following, but never passing by? perhaps they're all just waiting, perhaps when we're all dead, out they'll come a-slithering, from underneath the bed." [metal clanging]