- take a punt.- [clara] right. your choice. wherever, whenever. - anywhere in time and space.- well... ...there is something, someonethat i've always wanted to meet. - but i know what you'll say.- try me. you'll say he's made up,that there is no such thing. - go on.- it's... - it's robin hood!- robin hood? yeah! i love that story.
i've always loved it,ever since i was little. robin hood,the heroic outlaw who robs from the richand gives to the poor. - [giggles] yeah!- he's made up. - there's no such thing.- oh! you see? old-fashioned heroesonly exist in old-fashionedstorybooks, clara. - what about you?- me? yeah, you. you stop bad things happeningevery minute of every day.
that soundspretty heroic to me. just passing the time.hey, what about mars? - what?- the ice warrior hives! - you said it was my choice.- or the tumescent arrows of the half-light.those girls canhold their drink. - doctor...- and fracture15 different levels of reality simultaneously.i think i've gota polaroid somewhere. doctor! my choice.robin hood. show me. very well.
- [clara clears throat]- [the doctor typing] earth. england. - sherwood forest.- [giggles] 1190 ad... - ...ish.- [electronic whirring] but you'll onlybe disappointed. - oh!- [tardis whirring] [birds twittering] [tardis whirring]
no damsels in distress,no pretty castles, no such thing as robin hood. [man] you called? very, very nicely donewith the box, sir! i saw a turk performsomething very similarat nottingham fayre. it's a trickwith mirrors, no doubt? - a trick?- a good jest. [laughs] this is not a trick,this is a tardis. whatever it is, you bony rascal,
i'm afraid i mustrelieve you of it. it's my property,that's what it is! well, don't you knowall property is theftto robin hood? - you're not serious.- i am many things, sir,but i am never that. robin hood laughsin the face of all. ha-ha-ha! - and do people ever punch youin the face when you do that?- not as yet. lucky i'm here then,isn't it? might be a little bit much, but... ooh!what do you reckon, doctor?
by all the saints! are there any more in there? - is that...?- no. oh, my god! oh, my god!it is, isn't it? you found him.you actually found robin hood. that is not robin hood! well, then... who, sir, is about to relieve youof your magic box?
nobody, sir! not in this universe,or the next. well, then draw your swordand prove your words. i have no sword. i don't need a sword. because i am the doctor. and this is my spoon! en garde! - ho-ho!- [grunting]
- [the doctor] ha-ha!- [grunts] oh! [both grunting] - [robin] ow!- you're amazing. i've had some experience.richard the lionheart! cyrano de bergerac! errol flynn! - he had the most enormous...- [clears throat] - [grunting]- ...ego!
- takes one to know one.- [both grunting] - you!- [grunting] [grunting] - doctor!- [blows] like i said... my box.[blows] doctor? [the doctor yells] [robin, clara laughing] - [chickens clucking]- [woman screams]
in the name of all that's holy, take our monies,take our treasure, - but spare my ward!- nay, do not fuss. - all will be well.- this is the sheriff's doing! if he were here now,i'd tear out his black heart! - would you now?- [horse snorts] [woman screams] or are you as milk-liveredas your name suggests,master quayle? [quayle] take me!spare this dear child.
take you?a lardy lack-wit like you? it's labour we requireup at the castle. labour and gold,not old men and theirworthless baubles. this will be a great help,master quayle. believe me. - newcomer to sherwood,are we?- yes, my lord. you may also prove useful.bring her. - [gasps]- [quayle] your daysare numbered, you cur! [spits] you shall live to regret that.
actually... no. - you won't.- [groans] no! no! [sobbing] [robin] let me introduce youto my men. this is will scarlett. he is a cheeky roguewith a good sword armand a slippery tongue. - my lady.- [men laugh] - ah!- [whirring]
what do you wantwith my hair? well, it's realistic,i'll give you that. and this is friar tuck. aptly named for the amountof grub he tucks into. - you skinny blackguard! oh!- [men laugh] - what are you doing?!- this isn't a real sandal! - yes, it is!- oh, yes, it is. this, er, is alan-a-dale. he's a master of the lute,
whose music brightens upthese dark days. ♪ fair stranger you are welcome here ♪ ♪ in sherwood's bonny glade and... ♪ ow! sorry, sorry, sorry.blood analysis. - [beeps]- oh, all those diseases. if you were real,you'd be dead in six months. - i am real.- bye. [robin] and this is john little. called little john.
he's my loyal companionin many an adventure. - [men laugh]- [clara screams] - gets 'em every time!- [all laughing] oh, i cannotbelieve it's you. [laughs] you really arerobin hood and his merry men. aye! that is an apt description.ha! what say you, lads? - [all cheering, laughing]- stop laughing! why are you always doing that? are you all simpleor something?
- i'm going to need a sample.- of what? [clara clears throat]excuse me. sorry. - ahem. what are you doing?- well, they're not holograms,that much is obvious. could be a theme parkfrom the future. or we might beinside a miniscope! - oh, shut up.- a miniscope!yes, of course! why not? your friend... seems notquite of the real world. no. no, he's not really,not most of the time. - [robin sighs]- dark days?
- my lady?- you said that these weredark days. what did you mean? king richard is away on crusade,my lady. his tyrantof a brother rules instead. and the sheriff? 'causethere is a sheriff, right? aye. it is indeedthis jackal of the prince's who seeks to oppress usfor evermore. or six months, in your case. it is a shame to dwellon murky thoughts when there issuch beauty here. [chuckles]
why are you so sad? why do you think me sad? because the doctor's right.you laugh too much. i do not live thisoutlaw life by choice. you see before you robert, - earl of lox...- earl of loxley! - ...ley. yes.- yes. sorry. do go on. i, erm...
i had my lands and titlesstripped from me. i... i dared to speak outagainst prince john. but i lost the thingmost dear to me. what was she called? so very quick. how doesthe doctor stand it? - marian?- you know her? oh, yes,i have always known her. it was marian who told me thati must stand up and be counted. but... i was afraid.
now, this green canopyis my palace and the rough groundmy feather bed. maybe one day,we'll return home. but until that day, until thatday, it is beholden on me to be the man marian wanted, to be a hero for those thistyrant sheriff slaughters. what time is it, mr hood? somewhat after noon. no, no. time of year.what season?
oh, dame autumn hasdraped her mellow skirtsabout the forest, doctor. the time of mistsand harvest approaches... yeah... all very poetic. but it's very green hereabouts,though, isn't it? and,like i said, very sunny. - [clara] so?- have you been to nottingham? - climate change?- it's 1190. you must excuse me. the sheriff has issueda proclamation. and tomorrow,there is to be a contest
to find the best archerin the land. and the bounty,it's an arrow made of pure gold. no, don't go! it's a trap! [laughs] well, of course it is! but a contest to findthe best archer in the land? [laughs] there is no contest! [all laugh] right! that isn't even funny!that was bantering. i am totallyagainst bantering.
how can you be so surehe is not the real thing? - because he can't be.- when did you stop believingin everything? when did you start believingin impossible heroes? don't you know? in a way,it's rather sweet. [crunching] [whirring] [applause] [crowd cheering]
in the contestfor the golden arrow, after ten rounds,the battle is betwixt - our lord sheriff...- [scattered cheers] [herald] ...and the strangerknown as tom the tinker! [loud cheering] perhaps not such a strangerafter all? [herald] take your places! shall we make the contesta little more interesting,my lord? the targets seem a little close.what say you? another 20 paces?
why not? [crowd shouting] [crowd gasps] now, tinker,let us see thy true face. - whoo-hoo!- [cheering] [herald] ye gads!he has split the arrow! truly, he is the finest archerin all england! come forward, tinker,and claim your prize. [crowd gasping]
- [crowd applauding]- [woman] who is he? he's full of surprises,isn't he? i am the doctor. my skills asa bowman speak for themselves. i claim my reward. a mere bauble. - i want something else.- name it. enlightenment. [cheering] [cheering loudly]
- [cheering]- this is getting silly. [all gasp] fascinating. seize him! - [groaning]- what are you doing?put that down! i'm fine! i take year sevenfor afterschool taekwondo. - don't worry, doctor!i'll save you!- i don't need saving! - your honour is safe.- i know! - for i am robin!- [all cheer] robin hood!
- ah!- [shouting] - [crowd gasping]- [electrical fizzling] [man shouts] treachery!treachery! robot! now we're getting somewhere! take them! kill the rest! - [sheriff] kill them all!- [crowd screaming] [screaming] - he surrenders!- what?
- hai!- [robin] you miserable cur! i had them on the run!flee! lads, flee! - live to fight another day!- [all shouting] - to the dungeons...with all of them!- ok. - what're you up to?- quickest way to find outanybody's plans: get yourself captured. [screams] [groaning] [woman sobbing]
- here, let me help you.- thank you, lady. what are you?gargoyle, what are you? - [distorted voice] leave it.- he only needs to rest.we all need to rest. [distorted voice] analysis showsthat peasant creature is spent. - no! no, please!- usefulness expired. no... no! no! damn you! damn you and that villainthe sheriff! - splendid! enchained!- yup.
trussed up like turkey-cocks.thanks to your friend. shut it, hoodie.i saved your life. i had the situationwell in hand. long-haired ninny versusrobot killer knights? - i know wherei'd put my money.- if you had not betrayed me, i would have been triumphant. you would have been alittle puff of smoke and ashes! - ha!- you'd havebeen floating around in tiny, little, laughing bitsin people's goblets!
- balderdash! ha!- oh, right. here we go,it's laughing time. [laughs] well, you amuse me,grey old man! - guard! he's laughing again!- ha-ha-ha! you can't keep me locked upwith a laughing person! i find that...i find that quite funny. do you know,i feel another laugh coming on? - ha-ha-ha!- guards, i cannot remainin this cell! - execute me now!- you heard him,execute the old fool! - no, hang on, execute him!- i do not fear death,so execute away!
execute him! i'd liketo see if his head keepslaughing when you chop it off! robin hood always laughsin the face of death! yes, rolling aroundthe floor laughing! i would pay good moneyto see that! guard! - guard! guard!- guard! guard! will you two shut up?! [sighs] do either of you understand, in any way at all,
that there isn't actuallya guard out there? - oh.- i did, in fact. - no, you didn't.- i said, shut up. the doctor and robin hoodlocked up in a cell. is thisseriously the best you can do? are you determined to starveto death in here, squabbling? well, i'll tell you one thing: i'd last a lot longer thanthis desiccated man-crone. [snorts] - really?- really.
well, you know what? i think you'll find i havea certain genetic advantage. oh! it is not a competitionabout who can die slower. it definitely would have beenme, though, wouldn't it? there was supposedto be a plan. do either of you twohave a plan? yeah, of course i have a plan. - i too have a plan.- ok, robin, you first. - why him?- doctor, shut up.robin, your plan?
i am... biding my time. thank you, prince of thieves.last of the time lords? yes, i have a plan. can you explain your plan without using the words"sonic screwdriver"? because you mighthave forgotten, he sheriff of nottingham hastaken your screwdriver.just saying. - it's always the screwdriver.- right, ok, well, let's hearrobin's plan first. - for god's sake!- [door opening]
[robin] see? there was a guard.there was guard listening the whole time, i knew it.[laughs] the sheriff himselfcommanded me to listen, to find out which of youis the true ringleader. ah, so he can do theinterrogating. very wise. excellent.he will get nothing from me. no, no, no,he will get nothing from me. because interrogation,that's when i alwaysturn the tables. - you see? that's my plan!- just hurry upand take me to him.
- no, no, chop, chop! come on!- [clara sighs] - seriously?- [guard] come on! - no!- [robin] what are you doing? [the doctor]don't be ridiculous! [door slams, locks] [men chattering indistinctly] 'tis a thing of beauty indeed. and will feed a family for atwelvemonth when melted down. tonight we rest.but tomorrow we must draw upplans to rescue robin.
we shall soon see how thosemechanicals feel about thetaste of nottingham steel! lord forgive me. - strange, though, is it not?- what? all this lootingthat the sheriff is doing. and yet, 'tis onlyever gold that he takes. pearls, rubies, all the preciousjewels of the realm seemno consequence to him. only gold. ♪ poor robin and the stranger lay ♪ ♪ in the dungeon all the live-long day ♪
♪ the merry men might pine away ♪ ♪ upon a sherwood morning ♪ - [man grunting]- [woman screaming] eat, my lady, eat! hm? let it not be said thatthe sheriff of nottinghamis a poor host. had a bag of crispsthis morning, thanks. your words are strange,fair one. hm, i should think they are. but i like you.you are refreshingly... direct.
you can take the girlout of blackpool. taken from your friend'sstrange tunic. an intriguing gallimaufry. including this wand. evidently a thingof awesome power. tell me, are you frombeyond the stars? you're the one withthe robot army. you tell me. - i'm sorry?- moan! beat your breast!
moan, groan as though 20devils possessed your guts! - what for?- so as to attractthe attention - of that gargoyle-faced guard.- it's your plan, you moan. no, no, no.[laughs] it won't work. - why?- because you are clearlymore advanced in years - and you havea sickly aspect to you.- i have a what? you're as pale as milk. it's the way with scots.they're strangers to vegetables. i'm not moaning. you moan.
fine. if you wantsomething doing... [moans loudly] - can i rely on youto do the rest?- yes, yes, i know the drill. - [robin moaning]- what is this din? no business of yours, cur! speak up! i can't hear you. - what ails him?- none of your business. - [robin moaning]- i said, what ails him? well, if you must know,he's having a nervous breakdown.
- [guard] a what?- he's like this wheneverhe's in any kind of danger. he just can't seem to cope,he gets so afraid,he goes into a kind of fit. i honestly believe thathe may die of sheer fright, like some tiny,shivering, little mouse. - [robin moans, clears throat]- oh, god, i thinkhe's soiled himself. [guard] let him die.it will save us the troubleof executing him. and what will happento the reward? - [robin moaning]- reward? [the doctor] oh, god,i shouldn't have said that.
tell me! he carries a vital message.the prince has promiseda bounty. - a big one?- an enormous one. - what's that? say again?- [robin moaning] [muttering] come closer.come closer. you breath stinkslike a serpent.has anyone ever told you that? [grunts] - soiled myself?- did you? that's getting into character.ok, keys!
- i'll get them.- no, no, i'll get them. - i'll get them!- doctor! - no, no, wait!- doctor! i'll get... oh! [keys rattling] [water splashes] - well, there is a bright side.- which is? clara didn't see that. but enough of tawdry matters.
let us talk of softer... ...sweeter things. ah, good, yes, i was hopingwe'd get round to that. - you were?- mm. for i have known i was destinedto draw the eye of a greatand powerful man for a long time, ever sincei saw those mysteriouslights in the sky. - you saw them, too?- and those strange mechanicalmen, with their promises. - i too have experienced this.- really? well, i would never haveguessed. tell me your story.
- tell me yours.- oh, no, no, no. - but you have to go first.- why so? because great menalways precede. - you have a point.- your story then. once upon a time,there was a brave and clever and handsome man. i can almost picture him.i don't even haveto close my eyes. unappreciatedby his royal master. - prince john?- the very same.
then came the lightsin the sky,and everything changed. the skyship came to earth in a fury of fire. i'd almost call it a crash.i remember it well. a craft from the heavenlyspheres, bedightwith twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining! the most beautiful thingthe brave and handsome manhad ever seen. and i suppose the mechanical mensaw you as their natural leader.
it was i, and i alone, to whom the mechanical menwithin imparted their secrets. shortly, i shall be the mostpowerful man in the realm. king in all but name.for nottingham is not enough. - it isn't?- after this, derby. - right.- then... lincoln. - and after lincoln...- worksop? the world! [the doctor grunts, pants]
- now what?- first a blacksmith's forge. so as to remove our chains? no, so i can knock upan ornamental plant stand. of course it's so we canget rid of our chains. i don't want to be manacledto you all night. - [laughs]- oh, no, please, please,don't do that. - "ornamental plant stand."- it's not even that funny. you're an amusing fellow,doctor! - don't. can you just stop!- [robin laughing]
[the doctor] you'll giveyourself a hernia. so, what are you hanging aroundhere for then, your majesty? why are you bothering to squeezepips out of peasants ifyou've got a skyship on standby? enough questions. i am impatientto hear your story. oh, but i do not have one. - i was lying.- lying? yeah. people are so muchbetter at sharing information if they think the otherperson has already got it.
- oh, that's very clever.- thank you. - you'll do very well.- for what? doesn't every king...require a consort? right. you do that again, and you'll regret that. [the doctor] at last,something real.no more fairy tales. - what is this place?- a spaceship.more 29th century than 12th. databanks, databanks,databanks.
where was this ship headed? the promised land again. like the half-face man,but more sophisticated. - [beeping]- disguised itselfas a 12th century castle. it merges into the culture. tries to keep a low profileso no one notices. that explainsthe robot knights. but the engines,the engines are damaged. they're leaking radiationinto the local atmosphere
creating a temporary climateof staggering benevolence. - i beg pardon?- i told you. it's too sunny, it's too green. and there is even an evilsheriff to oppress the locals. - this explains everything,even you.- it does? well, what does every oppressedpeasant workforce need?the illusion of hope. some silly storyto get them through the day, lull them into docilityand keep them working. ship's databanks.
full of every mythand legend you could hope for, including... robin hood. [beeping] isn't it timeyou came clean with me? you're not real,and you know it.look at you. perfect eyes, perfect teeth.nobody has a jaw line like that. you're as much a part of whatis happening hereas the sheriff and his metal knights.you're a robot. you dare to accuse meof collusion with thatvillain the sheriff?
- i dare!- you false-tongued knave! i should have skewered youwhen i had the chance! i would liketo see you try! [explosion] oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - surrender, outlaw!- very good. kill him. kill robin hood! you can drop all thatstuff now, sheriff. - doctor?- he's not what you think he is.
this is all play-acting. we can't justlet them kill him! [the doctor] you're not foolinganyone, sheriff. [shouting] - what the hell are you doing?- surviving. - [clara screams] no!- no! clara! yeah, sorry about the girl.such a pretty thing. what a queenshe would have made. [splashing]
stop pretending. you and your fancy robots. - i get it, i understand.- oh, so you too know my plans? you and your robotsplundering the surroundingcountryside for all its worth... gold. gold. of course. gold. you are creatinga matrix of gold to repairthe engine circuitry. this is the schemethe mechanicals have devised. soon this skyship will depart.destination: london. there, i will obliterate theking and take my rightful place
as ruler of this sceptreed isle. it won't work.there's not a chance. i've seen the instruments.there's been too much damage. you are stoking upa gigantic bomb! [clicks tongue] [gasps] [loud clang] [distorted voice] engine capacity at 48 per cent. [man shouting in distance]
engine capacity at 48 per cent. it's not enough. that's not enough.it'll never make orbit. [rumbling in distance] that's the engines,building up power. stupid, stupid sheriff. stupid... things. [pants] what are you looking at?
- hi.- the time for games is over. [woman] i thinki understand you. the sheriff is using the goldto replace something? that's the principle.but he's a moron. if he tries to fly his ship,it'll explode and wipe outhalf the country. what we needis a little riot. time to reflecton lasers and gold.spread the word. you will tell me everythingthis doctor knows about robin hoodand his merry men.
what is this?why are you interrogating me? and then you will tell meexactly who this doctor is and what are his plans. [distorted voice]you are fit for labour. stand aside while thispeasant unit is freed. - i'm afraid you'rea little late.- explain. i'm already free! [grunting, panting] mine, mine...
...mine! [distorted voice] engine capacity at 75 per cent. 'sblood! who will rid me of this turbulent doctor?! - [metal clangs]- ah! [groans] come. [man screams] ah! everyone, the last one! - [cheering]- [the doctor] out! out!everyone, quickly! get out!
- [people shouting]- [the doctor] quickly! you've saved us all,clever one. thank you. [rumbling] [distorted voice] engine capacity at 82 per cent. you are indeedan ingenious fellow, doctor. but do you really think yourpeasants' revolt can stop me? i rather think you're therevolting one around here. bantering. i'm bantering!listen to me. you don't have enoughgold content
to seal the engine breach.if you try and take off, - you'll wipe out halfof england.- liar! from my sky-vessel,i shall rule omnipotent. you pudding-headed primitive,shut down the engines! what you're doing will alterthe course of history. i sincerely hope so. - [steam hissing]- or i wouldn't be bothering. [mechanical whirring] listen to me! it doesn'thave to end like this.shut it all down.
return clara to meand i'll do what i can... - i don't have clara.- robin's one of yours! what did you say? he's one of yourtin-headed puppets,just like these brutes here. - robin hood is not one of mine.- of course he is, he's a robot! created by yourmechanical mates. - why would they do that?- to pacify the locals. give them false hope.he's the opiate of the masses. why would we createan enemy to fight us?
what sense would that make?that would be a terrible idea. yes. yes, it would... [mumbles]that'd be a rubbish idea. why would you do that?but he can't be. he's not real.he's a legend! too kind! and this legenddoes not come alone! hiya! [fabric ripping]
- you all right?- oh, yeah! good. hyah! - my men are taking the castle.- no! - and i am going to take you.- this one's all mine. [robots power down] what do you say, outlaw?a final reckoning? oh, yes. ha! - are you ok?- fine, yeah.
- good. we don't have long.- [rumbling] - i shall avengeevery slight, outlaw!- doctor... i know. the wholecastle's about to blow. you have longbeen a thorn in my side! well, everyone should havea hobby. mine's annoying you. i'll have you boiled in oilat the castle by sunset. can we make it a littleearlier, 'cause that'sa little past my bedtime! i'm too much for you, outlaw!first of a new breed! half man, half engine!
[sheriff] never aging. never tiring! are you still talking? - [rumbling]- bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves! [liquid splashing] [bubbling] sorry, was that... - ...was that showing off?- that was amazing.
run! come on, run! - [all shouting]- [loud rumbling] it's never gonna make it.not enough gold!it'll never make it into orbit! - where is it? where did it go?- where did what go? - the golden arrow!- tuck! - you took it?- of course we did. - we're robbers.- i love you boys. [clara] doctor,what are you suggesting? the golden arrow!
it might just be enoughgold content to get the ship into orbit andout of harm's way. well, it has to be you.my arm is injured. you're good at this!i saw you!you won the tournament! i cheated. i made a specialarrow with a homing device. oh, brilliant!right, let me have a go. you? you do taekwondo!that's not the same thingas this! my friends, surely wecan manage it together? go this way.
[distorted voice] engine capacity at 83 per cent. insufficient powerto achieve escape velocity. maximum power surge. - [engines roaring]- [laughs] - [alarm blaring]- [distorted voice] engines critical. engines critical. engines... [cheering, laughing] ♪ one autumn day in nottingham ♪ ♪ brave robin hood was in a jam ♪
♪ the arrow flew with truest flight... ♪ - give it a rest, alan.- [laughter] my lute! [men laughing] still not keenon the laughing thing? - no, not at all.- [laughs] - whoo-hoo!- [laughs] - [sighs]- i am gonna miss you. - [clara] you're very naughty.- [robin] oh, i know.
whoever he is, he is a very lucky man. marian is very lucky, too. - i fear not.- don't give up. not ever,not for one single day. be safe, if you can be. but always be amazing. - hm.- [chuckles] goodbye, robin hood.
goodbye, clara oswald. [both laugh] - so, is it true, doctor?- is what true? that in the future i amforgotten as a real man.i am but a legend. - i'm afraid it is.- hm. good. history is a burden. stories can make us fly. i'm still having a littletrouble believing yours,i'm afraid. is it so hard to credit,
that a man borninto wealth and privilegeshould find the plight of the oppressed and weaktoo much to bear? - i know...- until one night he is movedto steal a tardis... ...fly among the starsfighting the good fight. clara told me your stories. she should not havetold you any of that. well... well,once the stories started, she could hardlystop herself. - you are her hero, i think.- i'm not a hero.
well, neither am i. but if we both keeppretending to be... ha-ha! ...perhaps otherswill be heroes in our name. perhaps we willboth be stories. and may those storiesnever end. goodbye, doctor,time lord of gallifrey. goodbye, robin hood,earl of loxley. and remember, doctor,
i'm just as real as you are. admit it, you like him. we're leaving hima present, aren't i? robin? - i've found you at last.- marian! marian! how are you...? - oh!- [men cheering] [laughs loudly]thank you! thank you, doctor! ha-ha-ha-ha!
[the doctor] "what's that in the mirror or the corner of your eye? what's that footstep following, but never passing by? perhaps they're all just waiting, perhaps when we're all dead, out they'll come a-slithering, from underneath the bed." [metal clanging]
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