Tuesday, August 30, 2016

puppets by cher

["hark! the herald angels sing" instrumental playing] ♪ ♪ - [together] ♪ christmas isabout one thing ♪ ♪ endless holiday shopping ♪ ♪ spending allyour hard-earned cash ♪ - all right, i don't know about you, i'm already bored. you know, same holiday thing we've already seen a million times. at least spice it up, right? give me a beat or something. whatever.

[ciara's "what christmas means to me"] - ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ candles burnin' low ♪ ♪ lots of mistletoe ♪ ♪ lots of snow and ice ♪ ♪ everywhere we go ♪ ♪ choirs singing carols ♪ ♪ right outside my door ♪ ♪ all these things and more ♪

all: ♪ all these things and more, baby ♪ - ♪ that's what christmas meansto me, my love ♪ ♪ christmas meansto me, my love ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, ooh ♪ ♪ i see your smiling face ♪ ♪ like i never seen before ♪ ♪ and even thoughi love you madly ♪ ♪ seems i love you more ♪ ♪ the little cards you give me ♪

♪ touch my heart, for sure ♪ ♪ all these things and more,darling ♪ all: ♪ all these things and more, darling ♪ ♪ i feel like i'm runnin' wild ♪ all: ♪ runnin' wild ♪ - ♪ as anxiouslike a little child ♪ ♪ greet you'neath the mistletoe ♪ ♪ kiss you onceand then some more ♪ ♪ wish you a merry christmas,baby ♪ all: wish you a merry christmas, baby ♪

- ♪ and such happinessin the coming year ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ deck the halls with holly ♪ ♪ and singsweet "silent night" ♪ ♪ fill a tree with angel hair ♪ ♪ and pretty, pretty lights ♪ ♪ we'll go to sleepand wake up ♪ ♪ just before daylight ♪ ♪ all these things and more,baby ♪

all: ♪ that's what christmas means ♪ ♪ to me, my love ♪ - ♪ oh ♪ ♪ oh, all these thingsto me, baby ♪ all: ♪ all these things and more ♪ - ♪ that's what christmas means,christmas means to me ♪ ♪ ooh baby, baby ♪ ♪ ooh, all these thingsand more ♪ ♪ is what christmas meansto me, yeah ♪ ♪ christmas means to me,my love ♪

[bell ringing] - bless up, bless up! happy holidays! giving back is the key. it's christmas time.merry christmas. it's all about giving back. thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you. bless up, bless up, sir. excuse me, sir.bless up. it's all about giving backto the young world.

it's the holidays.- no--no hablo ingles. - [speaking spanish] [playful dramatic music] - all right, what do you--what do you want, man? - oh, you know english now?- yeah, yeah. wha--what do you--- i like that. the key is to give back.uplift people. the more you give, the moreblessings you're gonna get back. - uh, man, all right.cool?

all right.- another one. - another what?- another one. - all right?- what is that, balmain you're wearing? - here, man.cool? - another one.- yo, you can't be serious. - another one.- ano--another what? how much cash you think i have?i'm not an atm. - it's the holidays.- did you give to the kids?

- i'm santa claus. man, you should be happy.- i'm ecstatic. - give thanks.- thanks--cool, cool. thanks, man.- feel good about this! the key is to give back,to give back at all times. what you just witnessed was rudy being a grinch. rudy's not a bad guy. he just don't seethe big picture. he doesn't hear the beat.

he doesn't havethe keys of holiday spirit, so we're gonnagive the keys to rudy. it's christmas. let the story begin. - so, yeah, you know, christmas is supposed to be about spending time with people that you love and all that, which--that's what i thought i was doing. - are you evenlistening to me?

- i can be on my phoneand listen at the same time. - okay, thenwhat am i saying? - um, i don't know.- see? exactly. - i wasn't listening.i'm sorry. - do we needto go get you a sweater? - i'm not gonna buy a sweaterjust for a christmas dinner. - here we go again.- i think--no, i'm serious. i think it's stupid.i would--i'm literally-- it stands for everythingthat i hate about christmas.

it's false consumerism,so many people buying things. buy, buy, buy.- you bought your phone. - it's a phone.this is an american work of art. from china.- the sweater thing is really importantto me, rudy. - why--how can the sweaterbe important? what're you, mr. rogers?who cares? - it's a family tradition. - it's a stupid tradition.okay?

can we get out of it, please?- no. rudy, you promised me.- i just--the christmas thing just freaks me out.you know that. make something up.tell your family that, uh, um... rudy had to go...had to go... uh, volunteer at a--at a children's hospital. - you know what, rudy?i just--i don't think i can-- - i just--i'm telling you i--[glass shatters] oh, no.

no. no, no, no, no, no, no, no. no.i broke my phone. - you're breaking my heart.- i broke my phone. bella, i broke my phone.what am i gonna do? i need to fix it.i can't-- - have fun with your phone,rudy. i'm done.- what do you mean? where are you go--bella, where are you going?

bella?- to my family. - okay, i'm gonna--listen. i'm gonna fix my phone,i'm gonna come. i promise.- no, rudy, you're not coming. we're done.- what? bella. bella! [exhales sharply] - damn.that's crazy, man. on christmas?- i know.

- the holidays?- yeah, man, yeah. - [quietly]man. y'all done, right?- yes. - y'all finished?- i guess. yeah.- a'ight, i'ma go get that. - what? get what?- hey, baby! - what are you talking about?- baby! - get--hey, where are you--wh-- i hate christmas.i hate it.

[piano glissando plays] ♪ ♪ [delicate piano music] ♪ christmas reallyfreaks me out ♪ ♪ makes me feel alone ♪ ♪ i think that elvesare creepy ♪ ♪ i'm not a fan of snow ♪ ♪ forgive me when i say ♪ ♪ that christmas is a bitch ♪

♪ chocolate makesmy skin break out ♪ ♪ i don't like decorations ♪ ♪ i'm sick ofall these cheesy songs ♪ ♪ that play on every station ♪ ♪ think it's all so wack ♪ ♪ but people seem to disagree ♪ ♪ the kids wait upfor santa claus ♪ ♪ a man with overalls ♪ ♪ he eats their milkand cookies ♪

♪ must have high cholesterol ♪ ♪ but who am i to judge? ♪ ♪ this guy's not even real ♪ ♪ there's mistletoeand candy canes ♪ ♪ all of it's so frickin' lame ♪ ♪ sorry if i sound insane ♪ ♪ christmas sweatersmake me itch ♪ ♪ decorations always glitch ♪ ♪ that's why christmasis a bitch ♪

♪ there's people shoppingat the mall ♪ ♪ for phones and big tvs ♪ ♪ wasting all their money ♪ ♪ on lightsand christmas trees ♪ ♪ making corporations rich ♪ ♪ that's why christmas isa bitch ♪ ♪ and every time i look around ♪ ♪ i see a smiling face ♪ ♪ is this a problemjust with me ♪

♪ or with the human race? ♪ ♪ all these reallyannoying songs ♪ ♪ that people love to sing ♪ ♪ what can i possiblybe missing ♪ ♪ from this christmas thing? ♪ ♪ kids wait up for santa claus ♪ ♪ a weird dude with overalls ♪ ♪ this guy's gotta havehigh cholesterol ♪ ♪ but it makes people happy ♪

♪ it makes no sense to me ♪ just a fat guy who breaks into your house.it's bullshit. ♪ i find all of this shitso lame ♪ ♪ i don't like playingcheerful games ♪ ♪ if only i couldflip a switch ♪ ♪ it's a complicated sitch ♪ ♪ these stupid sweatersmake me itch ♪ what's up, man?- bless up.

how you doing? [mischievous music] - wasn't that--wasn'tthat just you in the--in the santa outfit?- maybe. - am i--am i freaking outright now or was that just you? - you always freaking out, rudy.you always tripping. [chuckling]- how do you know my name? what're you,like, my guardian angel or so-- yo, i don't believein this shit, man.

- oh, man, my song.rudy, stop tripping, man. sing this song with me.this is my jam right here. [mariah carey's "always bemy baby" playing on radio] ♪ do, do, do-- ♪come on, sing it with me. ♪ do, do, do, do, do, do dah ♪ - i'm not gonna sing, man.- ♪ do, do, do-- ♪ sing this with me, man. - i'm not gonna sing.- ♪ do, do, do ♪ both: ♪ do, do, do ♪- ♪ do, do, do ♪

- this mariah carey, man. [together]♪ do, do, do, do, do, do ♪ all right, man, i sang.all right? i sang.- [chuckles] - i gotta fix my phone, man.that's all i care about. - i know the right place. i got the right people. matter of fact,it's down the street, man. let's ride.

- ♪ hey yeah, yeah ♪ - rudy, we here.- but we didn't go anywhere. the door is right there.go inside. i'll be right here. - this looks sketchy, man.what is this? - chill out.stop. go inside. - and i can definitelyget this fixed? - rudy, maybe i'm tryingto teach you something. - what does that mean?- i'm the key.

go inside.- man, are you gonna hurt me? - maybe.rudy, stop. - are you gonna murder me?like, what's going on? - do i look likei'm gonna murder you? - kinda.- rudy, man, trust me. you good.go inside. - i'm gonna find youif something happens, bro. - [chuckles]find me? rudy, you gotta stop, man.

you been getting beat upyour whole life, man. chill out.- i'm just gonna go inside here, and i should trust you.- yo, rudy, go inside, man. - all right.- man, you're hardheaded. get inside, man. rudy trippin'. [door creaks] - ♪ i tried to be a catholic ♪ ♪ but i didn't wannaget on my knees ♪

♪ i tried to be like buddha ♪ ♪ but i didn't feel likelearning chinese ♪ ♪ i tried to be a muslim ♪ ♪ but i just likedrinking too much ♪ ♪ i tried to be a jewish ♪ ♪ but i don't love bagelsenough ♪ ♪ i don't believe in moses ♪ ♪ i don't believe in judah ♪ ♪ i don't believe in santa ♪

♪ and i don't believein buddha ♪ ♪ i don't believe in david ♪ ♪ don't believein christmas trees ♪ ♪ found diegoism ♪ ♪ now i believe in me ♪ ♪ yes, i believe in me ♪ ♪ oh, i believe in me ♪ ♪ i tried to study scientology ♪ ♪ but i-i just did thatto meet tom cruise ♪

♪ i tried to bejehovah witness ♪ both: ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ - ♪ but i really like... ♪ - uh, excuse me.um, i'm looking for the-- - get in line.- ♪ i tried to be a vegan ♪ ♪ but i really can'tgive up pork chops ♪ ♪ i tried to be a nudist ♪ both: ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ - ♪ but the neighborskept calling the cops ♪ ♪ so confused,didn't wanna choose wrong ♪

♪ i tried to be religious-- ♪- uh, excuse me? i was told i couldfix my phone here? - oh, wait, so ju--just'cause i'm mexican you think i could fix your phone?- no, no, no, that's not it. - oh, i see.so mexicans are not smart enough to fix phones?that what you're saying, bro? - no, that's notwhat i meant at all, man. it's just my screen needsto be fixed. it's pretty easy. - oh, it's easy.so a mexican can only do it

'cause it's easy.i understand, okay. - [exhales sharply]can you fix it or not? - oh, the bakercan fix anything. - who's--who's the baker? - she--she's, like, magic.like, you know, criss angel? she's like criss angel,except she-- she's not full of shit. what's up with your hair, bro? - my hair?- you look like bruno mars,

except you're not famousor--or talented. - look, man, i'm just tryingto get my phone fixed. all right, if you can't do it--- whoa, hold on, hold on. come back, come back.i'm just messing around with you.come on, let me see that phone. damn, that is a big crack. i haven't seen that much cracksince high school. i'm just kidding.i didn't go to high school. - come on, man.can you fix it or not?

- you like cookies, rudy?- how do you know my name? - hmm, i know a lot of things,bro. you know,when you walked in tonight, you know what i thought?this guys doesn't belong here. but now?now i realize, this is exactlywhere you belong, man. - what does that mean?- i don't know what i'm talking about,to be honest. i think i'm still drunk.- rudy,

the baker is readyfor you now. - oh, hell, yeah, bro.that's dope. you're really lucky, man.all these people are in line waiting to see her, and you justget to jump the line. - what am i supposed to sayto this baker person? - relax with all the questions,bro. what're you, ellen degeneres? geez, just go in there.and take off your jacket. relax.all right, man, whatever.

- good luck, papi. [soft music] [clattering] - [knocks softly] excuse me? - hi.- hi. - have a cookie.i just made these. they're really, really good.- i'm a vegan. i can't--- have a cookie.

- i'm on a diet.- no, no, have a cookie. - allergies.i can't. - trust me.- i--thank you. i appreciate that.i'm okay. - eat the [bell dings] cookie. let's play a little game.- i like games. - the thingthat matters most to you in this whole wide world is? - starbucks.easy.

- no.- um, shark week. for sure.- no. - instagram.- nope. - okay, you kno--i got it. you know when you'reat a restaurant and you go to the bathroomfor a sec and when you come backfrom the bathroom, your food that you orderedis already at the table? - no.- no?

- no. - really? - you can learn somethingwhile you eat that cookie. - what do you wanna know? - the thingthat makes you scared. like, your biggest fear. - spiders.for sure. [metallic pop] spiders.- no. - uh, clowns.dude, clowns.

- no.- you're not afraid of clowns? - mm.- anchovies. - nope.- an alien invasion? - no.- when you order an uber, and the uber driverstarts talking to you and won't shut up.- no. - don't take ubers?- i didn't say that. i just wanna knowfrom your heart. - people who wearsocks and sandals.

- come on. - losing bella. - why? - i mean--i guess it's just 'cause of the way i am. it's real dry. - you need some milk? [bells jingle] - the fridge?

[wind blowing] whoa, whoa!what the-- what the--what is this, narnia? - go ahead.it won't hurt. - you want me to go in there? [soft dramatic music] [coughs] what is this place? ow.what the hell?

who are you? ow, wh--[coughs]why are you slapping me? - because you askthe wrong questions. how am i supposed to usemy infinite wisdom to help you if you don't askthe right questions? - wai--you...you have infinite wisdom? ow.- what're you, sexist? i can't have infinite wisdom because i'm a woman?- no, no, no, no.

i didn't mean it like that.sorry. can you stop slapping me,please? - [exhales]i'm sorry. i think i overreacted.- where the hell am i? - maybe a better questionwould be, "hmm, why am i here?"- [sighs] okay.why am i here? - only you can answerthat question. - you told meto ask the question.

- no, i didn't.- how about-- do you want me to just be quiet? i'm just gonna stop talking.is that what you want? i'll stop talking? - in the mystical realmof winter wonderland, music not only hasthe power to heal but also to enlighten. stay in the path and you,rudy, will find the light. - you didn't slap me that time.you didn't--

of course. - because you askedthe right question, and, also, your noseis starting to bleed. - my nose is bleeding?- yeah. - i am bleeding.- me too. - no, no!hey, hey, hey! hey, come back! hey, hey, hey! stop--stop it!stop that guy!

stop that guy.stop him, stop him. - hey, he has my phone.- hey, what's your problem, man? he has my phone.he just took my phone. he went inside there.- he's on the list. - that's a thief.you let a thief on the list? - how you think he got onthe list in the first place? this is club naughty.you have to be a real shitty personto get in here. - this guy just took my phone,man.

like, what am isupposed to do? [indistinct chatter] - how much oil you gotin your hair, anyway? - what?what do you put in your hair? [chuckles]- nothing. - all right, all right.i'm sorry, sorry. just relax.i don't know if i'm dreaming or what's going on.- why don't you just let me punch you in the face,and if you wake up,

you're dreaming.- no, no. you don't need to punch me--punch that guy. - who?- this guy right here. punch him in the face.- great. [club music playing quietly] [tablet chimes] - what?- you rudy? - yeah.- are you sure? [tablet chimes]- yeah, i'm rudy.

- you just popped up on my electronic tablet here, and it says "let you in."you're pretty high on the list. - i'm on--i'm on the list?- yeah, right on top, man. you must do some freaky-ass shitto get in this club. go and enjoy yourself, okay?- i'm good? - uh, yeah, you're really good. - all right, thanks, bro. all right.thanks, bro.

[tablet chimes]- ♪ tell me all your secrets ♪ [bebe rexha's "i got you"]♪ lookin' like you need it ♪ ♪ 'cause i got you ♪ ♪ you oh ♪ ♪ you ♪ ♪ i got you,i got you ♪ ♪ 'cause i got you... ♪- anyone see a guy with a phone? - ♪ you oh ♪ ♪ we can get highoh, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ we can get lowoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ let me be your friend,baby, let me in ♪ ♪ tell you no liesoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ we can get lostoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ take it all offoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ give it to me alloh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ tell me what you're thinkin' ♪ ♪ always overthinkin' ♪ ♪ i just wanna love you ♪

♪ i got you ♪ ♪ don't have to be so guarded ♪ ♪ let's finish what we started ♪ ♪ it's all i ever wanted ♪ ♪ i got you.i got you ♪ ♪ we can lostoh, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ i'd do the time for you ♪ ♪ tell a lie for you ♪ ♪ yeah, baby,that's what i'd do ♪

♪ i'd walk the line for you ♪ ♪ take a shot for you ♪ ♪ it's true ♪ ♪ i'd die for you,i'd die for you ♪ ♪ 'cause i got you... ♪ - what's up, man?- hey, what's going on? - we're the band.- what band? - boyce avenue.- no damn boyce avenue here. - you sure?- no, yeah, i'm sure.

look, this is club naughty.you're not naughty enough. you have to [...] off, okay? - lele?- mancuso, how are you? - what the hellare you doing here? - yo, i'm always here.what're you doing here? - i don't know.some guy just took my phone, and now i'm here at the...- the naughty club. - the naughty clu--how do you know this place? - yo, i'm latina.i've been naughty since i was,

you know, like, a little girl.a baby. where's bella?- we, uh... kinda broke up.- kinda? you know, there's no kinda.you either, like, you're togetheror you're not together. you're like ricky martinor you like ricky iglesias? iglesias for me, but it's okay--- we broke up. - i thinkyou're cheating on her. i'm gonna tell herthat you're cheating on her

because, like, i have to tell--- lele, don't do that. - i'm gonna tell heryou're cheating. you wanna make out?- what? just a little kiss. un besito. just, like, you know,right here. nobody has to know, you know?- i mean... - hey...[speaking spanish] you see?you're cheating on her. your crazy.that's why you're here...

- i'm just very confused.- 'cause your naughty. - we got a problem, bro?- ricardo, ricardo, no. - you try to kiss my girl?- what? no. - yes or no, bro.you try to kiss my girl? - no, ma--what're youtalking about? - papi, look at these pants.see these pants? - here we go again.- you know how expensive these pants are?- no. - like, $10.

they're not that expensive.the point is, they look fantastic.- nobody here cares about your pants.- you don't like these pants? - no, you look like a flamingo. what do you want?- it's one sexy flamingo. you know what i'm saying?don't smile, bro. don't smile.let me ask you something. can you do this?- let me ask you something; are you trying to be ricky martin?- can you do that?

- are you tryingto be ricky martin? 'cause you can't be--- don't interrupt. why you alwayson someone else's side? mustache, pink pants.- [speaking spanish] [both talking at once] - you look likethe frickin' pink panther. - what's up, bro?what're you looking at? what's the problem?- rudy just lost his phone. - you lost your phone, bro?- yeah, some--some guy--

- you wanna lose your life?- i--what? - you heard me, bro.you wanna lose your life? - are you serious? - relax.i'm just kidding. look at his face.i'm just kidding. i'm not kidding, bro.i'll kill you tonight. i'll kill you right here.- okay, you know what? that's it, that's it, that's it. - you're gonna be killedby a man with pink pants.

- [speaking spanish]all right, all right. you know what?it was great seeing you. okay, go.- see you later, gringo. - give it up for fifth harmony.[cheers and applause] [fifth harmony's"that's my girl" playing] - ♪ yeah, who's been workingso damn hard? ♪ ♪ you go that head... ♪[together] ♪ on overload ♪ ♪ got yourselfthis flawless body ♪ ♪ aching now... ♪[together] ♪ from head to toe ♪

- ♪ ain't nothin',ain't nothin' ♪ - ♪ all my ladiesround the world ♪ - ♪ good girls better get bad ♪ both:♪ you've been down before ♪ ♪ you've been hurt before ♪ ♪ you got up before ♪ ♪ you'll be good to go,good to go ♪ - ♪ destiny said it,you gotta get up and get it ♪ ♪ get mad independentand don't you ever forget it ♪

♪ got some dirton your shoulder ♪ ♪ then let me brush it offfor ya ♪ ♪ if you're feeling meput your five high ♪ [together] ♪ that's my girl ♪ ♪ that's my girl ♪ - ♪ what you waitin' for? ♪ - ♪ that's my girl ♪ - ♪ la ♪ ♪ nod if you've been playedby every boo... ♪

[together]♪ just trying to show you off ♪ - ♪ thought he was the bestyou ever had ♪ ♪ until he... ♪[together] ♪ cut you off ♪ - ♪ bet you,bet you know your worth ♪ all: ♪ if you're feeling meput your five high ♪ both: ♪ that's my girl ♪ - ♪ oh ♪[together] ♪ that's my girl ♪ ♪ that's my girl ♪- ♪ oh ♪ - ♪ what you wait,what you wait ♪

♪ what you waitin' for? ♪ [together] ♪ that's my girl... ♪ - that's him.that's the guy. - that's him.that's--that's the guy who has my phone. it's this guy. the phone is in his crotch area.you see that? - ♪ put your heartand your soul in it ♪ - elf raid!

[all screaming] [all screaming and clamoring] - he took my phone!no, he--he took my phone! [overlapping shouting] - everybody out!get out! [boyce avenue playing"be somebody"] [together] ♪ 'cause weoh, oh, got a dream ♪ - get out of here!- ♪ oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ gotta be somebody ♪- move!

- ♪ be someone ♪ ♪ 'cause we, oh, oh, oh,got a dream ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh,gotta be somebody ♪ ♪ be someone ♪ - ♪ so please ♪[cheering] ♪ be somebody with me ♪ ♪ piles of magazines ♪ ♪ left from two months ago ♪ [together] ♪ i'm clinging... ♪- ♪ to old news ♪

[together] ♪ memories... ♪- ♪ i'm scared to lose ♪ ♪ now i find reminders ♪ ♪ down the sofaand under the bed ♪ [together] ♪ three words... ♪- ♪ could've made you stay ♪ [together] ♪ three words... ♪- ♪ that i left too late ♪ ♪ so go ♪ ♪ go oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ your hearthas to be followed ♪ ♪ whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

[together] ♪ 'cause weoh, oh, oh, got a dream ♪ ♪ 'cause weoh, oh, oh, got a dream ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh,gotta be somebody ♪ - ♪ so please ♪ [music fades] - i wanna get the hellout of here, man. where am i? - sorry. i'm on my lunch break now. - thanks a lot for nothing.

- [playing troye sivan's "wild"] - what the-- bella? bella!bella! it's me! it's rudy!bella! bella! - ♪ too long till i drownin your hands... ♪ - bella, what--what're you doing with him? bella, look at me!bella! bella! - ♪ leave thisblue neighborhood ♪

♪ never thought lovin'could hurt this good oh ♪ ♪ and it drives me wild ♪ - bella.bella. bella, don't-- hey, what are you doing, bro?get away from my girl. - ♪ 'cause when youlook like that ♪ ♪ i never ever wantedto be so bad oh ♪ ♪ you're drivin' me wild ♪ ♪ the wild, the wild love ♪

♪ the wild, the wild ♪ ♪ can we make the mostout of no time? ♪ ♪ can you hold me? ♪ [phone ringing]- pick up the phone, bella. - ♪ can you make meleave my demons ♪ ♪ and my broken pieces behind? ♪ ♪ too long to the weekend ♪ ♪ too long till i drownin your hands ♪ ♪ too longsince i been a fool oh ♪

♪ leave this blue neighborhood ♪ ♪ and it drives me wild ♪- what is this, the future? ♪ and it drives me wild ♪- bella, open up. please. - ♪ you're drivin' me wild ♪ ♪ the wild, the wild ♪- no, do--don't-- - ♪ drivin' me wild ♪- oh, oh, no, no, no... [groans]oh, my god. ah, shit.

oh, my god. [groans] [sighs] [wind blowing][sighs] man. [mutters indistinctly] [smacks, ice crunches] - hey, hey.chill with all the noise, bro. why you so loud?- what the hell are you?

- what do i look like to you?- i don't know. - look at the shoes.look at the ears. - i don't know.an elf? - yes, genius, an elf.- what's wrong with the elves around here, man?aren't elves supposed to be, like, happy and jolly?- jolly? - what?- do you know how many hours i work a day?- no. - 28.

- that doesn't make any sense.- exactly. - i don't understand.- guess how much they pay me. - no, i don't knowhow much you get paid. - nothing, bro. they pay me in candy canes. eight candy canes an hour. - look, man,it can't be that bad. you get to wear, like, a funcomfortable costume all day. - i can't feel my ballsin this suit.

feel 'em, bro.- no, bro. no. i'm not--i'm not gonna feel-- - i haven't washed this shitin four years. - okay, well,that's a personal choice. - do you knowhow cheap santa is? - bro, at least your girl didn't just leave youfor some youtuber. - oh, you had a girl.- yeah, but she-- - the last time i made love, waswith that reindeer over there.

- bro, at least some guydidn't steal your phone out of nowhere, okay?- who do you think made that phone?who? - i don't know.someone in china? - yeah, that's probably true.- probably. i mean, they make everything,right? - okay, okay, you'reprobably right about that one. - you know i'm right.- this ain't easy, bro. - please, man,i gotta get out of here.

how do i get out of here?- are you sure you wanna leave? - yes, please.i just-- i don't want any trouble. - the keys.- what keys? - [sighs]the keys. - what am i supposed to do?- play the keys. - play?- yeah. [piano notes plunk] [sighs]nope.

[sprightly piano music] can't you play something good?like some tupac or biggie or something like that?- i don't know any tupac or biggie, man.how's this? [ice crackles] did you hear that?- yeah, she's calling you. oh, but you don't have to go.you could chill here, you know? - i'm gonna go.- just chill, just-- - look, man,it's good to meet you.

- no, i made a new friend today,bro. please--okay.- all right, good luck, bro. - good luck.- okay, leave me. - ♪ i just want youfor my own ♪ ♪ more than youcould ever know ♪ [together]♪ ever know ♪ - ♪ make my wish come true ♪ ♪ all i want ♪ ♪ for christmas ♪

♪ is ♪ [jaunty festive music] ♪ ooh oh ♪ ♪ i don't wanta lot for christmas ♪ ♪ there is justone thing i need ♪ all: ♪ and i ♪- ♪ don't care ♪ ♪ about the presents ♪ ♪ underneaththe christmas tree ♪ ♪ i don't needto hang my stocking ♪

♪ there upon the fireplace ♪ ♪ santa clauswon't make me happy ♪ ♪ with a toy on christmas day ♪ ♪ i just want you for my own ♪ ♪ make my wish come true ♪ [together] ♪ all i wantfor christmas is you ♪ ♪ you, baby ♪ ♪ oh, i won't askfor much this christmas ♪ ♪ i won't even wish for snow ♪all: ♪ and i ♪

- ♪ i'm just gonnakeep on waiting ♪ ♪ underneath the mistletoe ♪ ♪ i won't make a listand send it ♪ ♪ to the north polefor saint nick ♪ ♪ i won't even stay awake ♪ ♪ to hear thosemagic reindeer click ♪ ♪ 'cause i just want youhere tonight ♪ ♪ holding on to me so tight ♪ ♪ what more can i do? ♪

♪ baby, all i wantfor christmas is you ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ ♪ you, you, you ♪all: ♪ ooh, baby ♪ ♪ oh, all the lightsare shining ♪ ♪ so brightly everywhere ♪ ♪ and the sound of children'slaughter fills the air ♪ ♪ and everyone is singing ♪all: ♪ oh, yeah ♪ - ♪ i hear those sleigh bellsringing ♪ ♪ santa, won't you bring methe one i really need? ♪

♪ won't you please bring my babyto me yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ oh, i don't wanta lot for christmas ♪ ♪ this is all i'm askin' for ♪ ♪ i just wanna see my baby ♪ ♪ standing right outsidemy door ♪ ♪ oh, i just want youfor my own ♪ ♪ oh, baby, all i wantfor christmas ♪ all: ♪ you, baby ♪ ♪ all i want for christmas... ♪- ♪ you... ♪

- i like this.bro, come on, do something. [low rumbling]you're freaking me ou-- i gotta go.i see the light, bro. i see the light. - i see the light!- ♪ all i want for christmas ♪ all: ♪ is you ♪- and cut! - [together]mazel tov! - whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down,usain bolt. - what?- what song did she sing to you?

- uh, i don--hey,what's the name of that song? the one that's really famous.that plays all the time? i don't remember the name.- "all i want for christmas is you"?- that's the one, yeah. - i rememberwhen she sang to me, bro. i remember likeit was yesterday. - when was it?- it was yesterday. - okay, well, i gotta go, man.thank you so much for everything.i appreciate it.

you're the coolest puppeti ever met, diego. - hey, bro, if you ever needanything, um, don't call me. - yo, yo.yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! dude, i'm so happy to see you. - oh, i see you see the light.- i just saw the light. i just saw it.- now you trust me, huh? - we gotta go--we gottago to bella's right now. - bella's?- yeah, bella's. - bella's?- bella's.

my--my girlfriend, bella, yes.- you sure you wanna go there? - right now!we gotta go right now, bro, yes. - you can't golooking like that. - what do you mean?what's wrong with this shirt? - you can't, you can't.- i paid $40-- - pick one of these sweatersright here. - why would i wear that?- bella's! - the sweater party!the sweater party! yes, yes, yes, yo!let's go, let's go.

yo, thank you--- yo, yo, chill! don't step on my jordans, man.i'm just trying to get my wings. man, chill.- all right, all right. 'cause you'remy guardian angel. - yo, rudy, come on, man.let's go. - let's go.let's go. [together]♪ hark the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ glory to the newborn king ♪ - hey, guys.[together] ♪ peace on earth... ♪

- merry christmas.[together] ♪ and mercy mild ♪ ♪ god and sinners reconciled ♪- sounds--sounds good. sounds really good.is your--is bella here? [together] ♪ joyfulall ye nations rise ♪ ♪ join the triumphof the skies ♪ - all right, you guysare freaking me out. is your sister here? [together]♪ with angelic hosts proclaim ♪ ♪ christ is born in bethlehem ♪- i like it.

very beautiful.[together] ♪ hark ♪ ♪ the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ glory to ♪ ♪ the newborn king... ♪ - [grunts] hey, hey, hey calm down.calm down. i'm good, i'm good, i'm good. hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.merry christmas. - what the hell's he doing here?- oh, no.

- loser.- rudy, what're you doing here? i told you not to come.- hey, i would be mad at the old me too,but i've changed, bella. i just saw the lightand i've changed just like that. i didn't believe it either,but i just changed. just like that.you have no idea the crazy experience i just had. [stammers]it all started with this magic-- there was a magic refrigerator.- is this kid smoking?

- after the refrigerator,one thing led to another and all of a sudden,there was this elf. this really hot, hot elf.well, okay, not that hot. relax, so she had really--uh, a good personality. she started slapping me aroundfor some reason. after that, there wasanother elf, this guy elf, who was really depressed,so i helped him out. one thing led to another,one thing led to another. mariah carey--mariah carey mademe magic cookies.

- what?- this kid is definitely smoking something.- sir, i'm not sm-- i don't smoke--usually.listen. after the mariah carey thing,i saw a light, and i had a vision,i saw the future. kanye west was the president,there were flying cars, and, uh, me and youwere together. we were together.i finally get it. i finally getwhat christmas is all about.

what it all means.it's happiness. - [laughs]he said penis. - rudy--- hey, rudy. she's moved on, pal.that's it. - what is your dadtalking about? - fruitcake enchiladasalmost ready, familia! - ha ha!- that smells fantastic. - who the hell is that,and why's he wearing a hat? - hey, who's this,your cousin?

- cousin?who are you? - [speaking spanish]- who is this? what is going on?- rudy, things can change just like that. mm, he's a musician.- but i'm a musician. - he has tattoos.- i have tattoos. - and best of all,he's never on his phone. - unless i'mon my microphone. ♪ como t㺠te llamas, yo no s㩠♪

♪ de donde llegaste,ni pregunt㩠♪ ♪ lo ãºnico que sã©,es que quiero con usted ♪ ♪ quedarme contigohasta el amanecer ♪ ♪ ã“yeme mamacita,tu cuerpo y carita ♪ ♪ piel morena,lo que uno necesita ♪ ♪ mirando una chica tan bonita ♪ ♪ y pregunto porqueanda tan sã³lita ♪ ♪ ven dale ahã­ ahã­,moviendo todo eso pa' m㭠♪ ♪ no importa idioma ni el paã­s ♪

♪ ya vamonos de aquã­,que tengo algo bueno para ti ♪ ♪ una noche de aventurahay que vivir ♪ ♪ ã“yeme ahã­ ahã­,mami vamos a darle ♪ ♪ rumbeando y bebiendoa la vez ♪ ♪ tu tranquila que yo te dar㩠♪ ♪ una noche llena de placer ♪ - [sighs][song fades out] well, where are you now,khaled? where you at?

[boxes thud, glass shatters] - dude, what the hell? - [exhales] - merry christmas to you too!- [sighs] ♪ christmas really sucksright now ♪ [delicate piano music] ♪ it's left me all alone ♪ ♪ don't have my girl beside me ♪ ♪ i have no place to go ♪ ♪ i guess this proves my point ♪

[horn honks] ♪ but i've been throughso much shit today ♪ ♪ now i'm not okay ♪ ♪ found the christmas spirit ♪ ♪ but i lost my girlfriendanyway ♪ ♪ she probably likes him'cause he's rich ♪ ♪ this stupid sweatermakes me itch ♪ ♪ i told you christmas isa bitch ♪ [song ends]

hey!hey! what're you guys doing?yo, you guys abandoned me. you both abandoned me. - you act like you surprised,man. - yeah, w--i am surprised.what are you guys doing here? - mariah, i beengiving him the keys all day. - [sighs] do you knowhow valuable that is? - what keys?what is he talkin'-- every time he says "keys,"i'm confused.

- you gotta listen to him.- you guys have been saying nonsense all day to me.- you're very fortunate. - do you have any ideawhat i just been through? you're eating chicken wings and my girljust broke up with me. - i told you i neededto get my wings. - i thought you meant--you saidyou were a guardian angel. i thought you meant wings.not wings. - i baked this dude cookies.

- what does that mean?i lost my girlfriend. - rudy, didn't i tell youi was your guardian angel? - yes,and now you're drinking wine and eating chicken wings. this is why christmas isa bitch. - ♪ no, no, no ♪- christmas is love. matter of fact,pull up your chair. let's talk. i'm gonna beeven more honest with you.

work on the hairpieceyou got up front. - what's wrong?- just a little bit. like, you could--you could--- now my hair's a problem? i think he's just sayingit's a little dramatic. - feel it--just feel it.- wow. you don't even have productin this hair. - no product.- see i have a hair product-- - hey, feel it.- i can't do that, my brother. - i went to beauty school.500 hours.

- listen. - so in the end, i don't know. i guess--i guess i kind of get what this christmas thing is about. i think it's about being yourself around the people that you love or something. or maybe it's just about having an awkward conversation with mariah carey and dj khaled. i don't know. but maybe i had it wrong.

maybe christmas is not a bitch. maybe i'm just a bitch. - mark.- i see the light, bro. i gotta go.i gotta--[thumps] i gotta go. - ♪ oh yeah ♪ - i like it.very beautiful. - ♪ lots of mistletoe ♪ - you look likeoompa loompa. - oompa--that's one sexyoompa loompa.

you know what i'm saying?- oompa--oh. - willy wonka just scoredwith these pants. you know what i'm saying? - i'll do my bestto keep you off it, okay? - ♪ right outside my door... ♪ - [gasps] i told you.i told you. - oh, oh...- don't worry. - oh, oh, i see, so, mexicans are notsmart enough to fix phones?

is that what you're saying, bro? [scoffs]you must like donald trump, huh? - ♪ christmas means to me,my love... ♪ - [exhales sharply]- [chuckles] - ♪ i see your smiling face... ♪ - huh?- yeah. - okay, so just get it lower.that's all. - okay, so just--- oh, hell, yeah, bro. that's dope.

- ♪ seems i love you more ♪ ♪ touch my heart for sure... ♪ - well, why do you look awayfrom me when you say that? - 'cause you're freaking me outwith all the cookies and the beautiful hair.come on. - [laughs]- do you really wanna leave? - yes, bro.i'd rather do anything than touch your balls right now.[both laugh] - ♪ i feel like i'm runnin' wild ♪

all: ♪ runnin' wild ♪ - ♪ and anxiouslike a little child... ♪ - so many selfish-- hey, how you doing?happy holidays. god bless. - ♪ wish you a merry christmas, baby ♪ all: ♪ wish you a merry christmas, baby ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ deck the halls with holly ♪

♪ and sing sweet "silent night" ♪ ♪ fill a tree with angel hair ♪ - hey, what's going on?we're the band. - what band?- we're, uh, not on the list? - ♪ we'll go to sleep and wake up ♪ ♪ just before daylight ♪ - ♪ all these things and more, baby ♪ ♪ that's what christmas means... ♪ - i'm like, "what?"[mumbles]

- who are you? - who are you?[laughs] - [crying softly] [...] you, santa. i was kidding. - just a little kiss.nobody's seeing. no one's gonna see.just... [mumbling, smooching] [speaking spanish]

- ♪ christmas means to me ♪ - ♪ christmas means to me ♪ - ♪ oh, baby, baby ♪ - you enjoy yourself.- i'm good? - [stifled sneeze]ah, i sneezed, dude. [laughter] - ♪ christmas means to me,my love ♪ - mark.- whoa, slow down, usain bolt. relax. where you going? - ♪ i ain't worriedabout nothin' ♪

♪ i ain't wearin' na--nada ♪ ♪ i'm sittin' pretty impatient ♪ ♪ but i know you gotta ♪ ♪ put in them hours ♪ ♪ i'ma make it hotter ♪ ♪ i'm sending picafter picture ♪ ♪ i'ma get you fired ♪ - ♪ i know you're alwayson the night shift ♪ ♪ but i can't standthese nights alone ♪

♪ and i don't needno explanation ♪ ♪ 'cause, baby,you're the boss at home ♪ - ♪ you don't gotta go to work ♪ ♪ work, work, work,work, work, work ♪ ♪ but you gotta put in work ♪ ♪ you don't gotta go to work ♪ ♪ let my body do the work ♪ ♪ work, work, work, work,work, work, work ♪ ♪ we can work from home ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - ♪ let's put it into motion ♪ ♪ i'ma give you a promotion ♪ ♪ i'll make it feellike a vacay ♪ ♪ turn the bed into an ocean ♪ ♪ we don't need nobody ♪ ♪ i just need your body ♪ ♪ nothin' but sheetsin between us ♪ ♪ ain't no gettin' off early ♪

- ♪ work, work, work,work, work, work ♪ - ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - ♪ you ain't gotta go to work ♪ ♪ let my body do the work ♪- ♪ do work, do work ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah,we can work from home ♪ ♪ yeah, we can work from home ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ oh oh ♪ ♪ yeah ♪

No comments:

Post a Comment