(whistling) hi, baby. hi. michael, get that thingaway from me. what? michael, get it awayfrom me. you don't even knowwhat's in there. yes, i do. it's a piece of lemonmeringue pie fromhimele farms bakery.
i can smell itfrom here. isn't it beautiful?look at that. oh. that creamis like a cloud. and that yellow, that'sthe same color yellowas an englishman's tooth. michael, whyare you torturing me?you know i'm on a diet. look, i'm justtrying to help you. it'd be easierif you broughtanother woman in this house than me dealingwith that pie.
i didn't knowi had that option. will you justget it out of my face? eat itor something.please, hurry up. jay, i can't just eat it. you gotta dim the lights.this is halftime pie. i forgot about the foreplay.i'm so sorry. hey, don't be jealousof the pie, baby.it's just pie. where's my fork? (sighs in annoyance)
here. (in childish voice)that's the baby.that's the baby. it'll make the pie last. tiny utensils isreally not a bad idea. i could share thatwith my chubby buddies. you mean all them fat chicksthat come over hereand break up the furniture? that is very insensitive,michael. they are not fat. they're thin deprived. why is it every weekyou got a new name forthem except small?
now, look, i'm bald. i don't callmyself excessivelyforeheaded syndrome. michael, this groupis very important to me.i can't lose weight on my own. so you need to getall your jokes out now because they'recoming over hereto meet tomorrow. okay, but firsti'm gonna mark my pie. then i'm gonna boltthe refrigerator shut. that's not... (both shouting)
hello! i'm trying to watch tv.leave me alone. (sighs) what is going on in there? they havebeen fighting all day.we need to get some new kids. i got a couple of minutesbefore the game.you wanna make some? no. not until i loseanother five pounds. why not? because sexmakes me hungry. all right,then i'm gonnatake care of the kids.
but later on,we're gonna work upan appetite. give it back, junior. yeah. where is it? look, i'm afraidi can't find the remotetill wrestling's over. but i wanna watch rolie polie olie. oh, you didn't hear?rolie polie olie is dead. well, so?wrestling isn't real. it is so!don't you ever say that! i don't careabout wrestlingor rolie polie olie.
i wanna watch videos. why?i've seen britney spears,and those aren't real, either. yes, they are. hey. what in the worldis going on out here? (all clamoring) michael: no. (whistles) whoa, whoa.wait. one at a time. dad, junior's hoggingthe tv and he hidthe remote.
oh, he hid the remote? well, let meshow you all something.this is very interesting. this is gonna trip you out.watch this. huh? huh? newscaster: five of the... all: wow. how did you do that? that's old-school technology. it's called,"get off your lazy ass." but, dad,junior's alwayscontrolling the tv.
look, claire, i don'twanna hear it, okay? i'm tired of your tattling.you all need to work outthings for yourselves. okay? learn to sticktogether for a change. and i'm gonna help you outbecause the next timeany one of you tattles, i'm punishingall three of you. dad, that's not fair. yeah, and neither is mehaving to referee every oneof your little bouts, okay? tattling is detrimentalto relationships. look at the unabomber.i bet him and his brothernever talk anymore.
dad, look... hey. end of story.i've said my piece. now y'all go upstairsand work this outfor yourself. can we at leastget a snack first? yeah. just don't touchmy halftime pie. well, what do you wanna do?we can't watch tv. let's playmake me laugh or die. yeah. yay.
what's that? you have to makeone of us laugh. and if you don't,you have to dowhatever we say. i'll go first.i got a good one. okay,give me a minute. well, hurry up.i'm not gettingany younger. okay, you ready? both: make me laugh or die. i'm claire,and i thinkjohn is so cute.
i like him so much, i'm gonnaput in the big socks tonight. that's not funny. well, kady laughed,and the rule is she goes next. okay. (sniffing) your butt stinks. claire laughed. okay, genius, your turn. i'm not any good at this.
well, you better do somethingor else you'll lose. okay, here's a funny one.this'll make you laugh. what is thatsupposed to be? i'm a fish. that's supposed to be funny? you look just likeyour yearbook picture. didn't she lose? oh, yeah. and she has to do whateverwe dare her to do.
i dare you to call that boyjohn and say, "doo-doo head." nah. it's gottabe better than that. what's better thandoo-doo head? i got it. claire, prepare to die. your dare is to takedad's halftime pie and eat it six inchesfrom his face. are you crazy?he'll kill me. that's why it's not calledmake me laugh or go bowling.
i hate you. yeah, i know. look, you got abouta minute to halftime. then he's gonna get up,cough, scratch his butt, then comefor his halftime pie. so if i was you,i'd get started. and you have toeat with this. oh, no.not his baby fork. you know the rules.you took an oath.
okay, i'll do it. but if iget through this,that means i win, and you guys can nevertell dad i ate it. fine. that's the rules. okay, let's do this. i can't do this. why not?you've alreadydisturbed the pie. (sighs) okay. (sneezes)
(mumbling) junior! it's allergy season. (farting noise) kady! sorry. (farting) i didn't do it that time. it's likethey're communicating. (exclaiming)
hey, no running in the house. (sniffs) hmm. what died in here? hmm. (coughing) hmm. it's halftime.time for halftime pie. where is my pie? (panting) hi. don't "hi" me, woman.
where's my pie? it's in the refrigerator. no, it's notin the refrigerator. and why are you sweating?what are you nervous about? (scoffs) i just camefrom my power walk. yeah, power walkingoff my pie, right? michael, i told youit was in the refrigerator. god, you are incapableof finding anything inthis refrigerator. if i wanted to hide an affair,i'd do it behindthe orange juice.
you'd never look there. hey. it is gone. well, what do you know? michael, i didnot eat your pie. you didn't eat my pie. no. if you didn't, thenone of them kids did. junior, claire and that otherlittle one, get down here. what are you doing?
i'm rounding upthe usual suspects. i don't know. i have no idea. okay, i got the joke. (laughs) take daddy's halftime pieand hide it. come on. okay. dad, what areyou talking about? i said i get the joke. now cough up the piebefore someone gets hurt.
michael, it's just a pie. no, jay,it's not the pie,it's the principle. who am i fooling?it's the damn pie. where's the pie? we don't know. you don't know? well,let me smell your breath. (all exhaling) oh, damn! that smell like pyorrhea.
dad, you're wasting your time. what, am i supposed to believethat the pie just got upand ate itself? look, i know one ofy'all is responsible. but if one of usdid do it and we told you,then that would be tattling, which you told usnot to do. oh, i get it. you gonna takemy words and twist them anduse them against me, right? okay, you know what,y'all go upstairs and let me figure outhow i'm gonna retaliate. michael.
hmm? what is with you?you're at war withyour own children? they started it, jay. that was halftime pie. oh! kids, your mother tells methat i'm a little too hardon you guys when i'm administeringdiscipline. and maybe she's right. perhaps that pie stealingwas a cry for help.
maybe that wasyour way of saying there's not enoughlemon meringuein my life. well, your dear olddad is gonna fix that. here you go. (speaking french) i like my punishment pie. oh, i'm glad.you know why? because that's all youguys are gonna be eatinguntil i get a confession. well, dad, this isthe best punishmentyou've ever given us.
mmm-hmm. i'm thinking maybei'll steal the car tonight. i could end upwith a lexus. yeah. and a new address. that's right.you guys laugh it up,laugh it up. because he who laughs last,lasts first laugh last. something like that, right? i'm just gonna sit hereand enjoy my filet mignonwith mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. how's the pie, kids?
it's good. fabulicious. i can't wait for dessert. well, all i'm eating islettuce with lemon juice. so i'd appreciate itif you'd all shutyour damn pieholes. last week it wasmy boss' birthday... uh-huh. ...and they made mebring out the cake. (all exclaiming)
and i was doing fine,i was strong. but then, when iset down the cake, i noticedthere was icing on my finger. and the napkins were allthe way across the room. i closed my eyesand i saw thin lorraine, and she gave methe strength to wipethe icing on the table. (all cheering) oh, you go, girl! okay, everybody,group hug. all right.all right, now, girls.
come on,let's do it. chubby-wubby. all right.all right. come on, ladies. hey, babe, i'm home. (sniffs) pie. pie. pie. wait. hold... jay: no, no.you guys. you guys!
no! be strong! don't hurt him. here you go, claire,a nice fresh pieceof pie. i smell sausage. yes, you do. "that's me.i'm the sausage man.look at me. "i taste real good.you want some?" no, you can't have sausage.you got pie.
but, dad,i'm tired of pie. yeah, well,i'm tired of lying. now, sit down, shut up,and eat your piefor breakfast. come on. oh, i knowthat must be good. see, me,i can't eat thatover and over again. it makes me sick.i start getting queasy. when i look at thatpuss yellow right there and the way it smells,it starts to smelllike pee. right? and then this consistencywhen it goes down,it feels like one of these.
(snorts) did you ever get oneof those with a bad cold? (snorts) hmm? and it feelsfunny going down,just make you... (imitating retching) i don't know about you,but i would... dad, enough. michael: what? i'm getting sick.
well, am i gonnaget a confession? okay, theni'll just stop talking. and i'm gonnamake your lunch. gee, i wonder whati'm gonna make you guys. i know,some lemon meringue... (groans) no, you know what?maybe i'll make you... no, you all like pie. i hope you're happy,michael kyle.
this meansi'm not about to be. after my chubby buddiessaw you with all thosebakery boxes, every single one of themfell off the wagon. that must have beena pretty sturdy wagon. i'm suspendedfor two weeks. good, it'll take about thatlong for the couches topop back up. that's not funny, michael. look, jay, if you want,i'll be your chubby buddy. you're not chubby.
yeah, buti'm your buddy. listen, i feel bad becausei brought temptation intothe house. i mean,did you see the waythose women looked at me? i felt like a cheeseburgerin somalia. so what're you saying?you're gonna goon this diet with me? i'll go onthe diet with you. really? i'll go to the ends ofthe earth with you, girl. thank you.thank you so much.
okay, baby.here we go. wow, my favorite. look, melted tofu cheese,a stick of celery...and what's this? piece of asbestos? you said you'd go tothe end of the earthfor me. yeah, but, jay, this isnot a meal for a real man. you feed thisto a hairdresseror a jockey or something. hey, this looks likethanksgiving atally mcbeal's. you know, you reallycouldn't have picked
a worse punishmentfor those kids. pie all the time, michael? i know.brilliant, isn't it? no, it is not brilliant. no, it is hard on everybody.especially me. couldn't you just be likea normal parent and beat them? jay, that's too easy,there's no fun in that. all right,let's give this a try. all right.
open. (mumbling) mmm.i'm famished. so, what's now? okay, baby,if you're still hungry,you can make a smoothie. we could havethree pieces of fruitand some plain non-fat yogurt. plain? yes. good. 'causei wouldn't want itto taste like anything. it's boring,but it's good for you.i'll make it.
no, no, no.you sit here.i'll make my own. thank you, baby.you're being very supportive.i appreciate it. hey, i'm justtrying to live up tomy chubby buddy oath. an apple a day keepsthe stretch marks away. right. all: did you get them? yes, i got them. but i don't feel good aboutgoing behind your father'sback like this. well, hand them over.we're dying here.
(gasps) what, no broccoli? mmm. this is the bestcauliflower i've ever had. look at allthese roughages. you guys are gonnahave to come cleanwith your father. mom, he's beinga hypocrite. first he saysnot to tattle, but then whenit's something he wantsto know, he's saying tattle. no, he doesn'twant you to tattle. he wants whoeverdid this to confess.
well, we can't do that. we took an oath. all right.well, you know what? you guys are gonna haveto put your heads together and come up withan answer real soon. 'cause if one more piecomes into this house, y'all gonna have todeal with me. what's all this? what's it look like?
this is custard pie'slast stand. i'm gonna make you guyseat pie until it comeout your ears or i get a confession. michael, this is ridiculous.you've gone way too far. jay, this may get ugly.you might wanna stepin the other room. there's gonna bea lot of pie consumed.go ahead, baby. no, no, no, no! i'm not gonna let youget my babies sickover some stupid pie. what if it wassomething important to youthat the kids took,
like one of themnasty diet brownies, huh? michael, i would be upset,but i wouldn't be obsessed. you're gonna put theminto sugar shock justto make a point? well, the point stillhasn't been made, jay. because i stilldon't know whotook my pie. and, no, they're notgonna go into sugar shock because you keepsneaking them vegetables. see, you didn't thinki knew that, huh? you don't think i'm countingthe celery and stuff, huh?
see, every time i get theirblood sugar up wherei want it, you drop it back down, miss don't letthe kids get dizzy. well, you're not gonna bethe one holding their headin the middle of the night when they're throwing up,mr. i can't look at puke'cause it makes me puke. well, listen here,miss green grocer, why don't you sit down andlet me discipline my kids? fine, i'll sit down. okay. yes, would you please?thank you.
it was me, all right?i ate your stupid pie. oh, really? it was i who ateyour stupid pie. i cannot lie. i ate your pie. well, i can't denythat i might cry.you wanna know why? 'cause i still don't knowwho ate my pie. michael, it's over. no, jay, it's not over.
over. it's... stop it. it's over. fine. we're gonnachalk this one upto the kids. you defeated me this once. (snapping fingers) you may have won the war,but you didn't win the battle. see, 'cause y'all...y'all stuck together.i'm proud of you. and that was my planall along. get you guys united.
what i did was i got into your little heads,then i used reverse piecologyon you. see, i'm the puppet master.i'm the pie piper. see, i used the pies...the pies arethe strings i use to get you to domy little unity dance. michael, just admit it,it was only about the pie. no, jay, it was about unityand structure... michael. michael. okay, then it wasjust about unity andtrying to bring children...
okay, it wasabout the pie. thank you. but that don't change the factthat i am proud of you guys. but you gottapromise me this. one day, when i'm old andwrinkled, on my death bed, about to take my last breath,you gotta tell me who atemy pie. claire. don't worry. it's okay.it's all behind us. (jay laughing)
the problem we have is,what're we gonna do withall these pies? oh, i would lovethis one right here. that one? oh, it looks so good. that is a pretty pie.come on, take a little taste. thank you, michael.oh, you're so good to me. tastes good? don't tellmy chubby buddies. i ain't gonna tellthe chubby buddies.
i'm sorry. jay, i slipped. i slipped. oh! oh... jay, look, i... i slipped. oh, it's funny? yeah, get him. see,he's laughing at you. (exclaims) hey, mom, pa,look at this.
wait, wait,wait, wait, wait.you all gotta get the baby. claire: dad! michael: is that right? look, i'm losing my hair.i'm not losing my hair.i lost my hair. look, i'm losing my hair.i'm bald. i don't say i've gotexcessive foreheadedness.