Tuesday, December 6, 2016

puppets for sale

(annie and ted panting) annie: i'm so... i'm so glad you called. ted: i'm so glad you were free. god, i love your eyes. okay, now what? cup my balls. okay, yes. all right. i can do that. oh! there it is. there we go.

(moaning) that feels good. you know what to do. (laughing) okay, you know what? slow it down, slow it down. okay. slow it down. how's that? that's good, nice and slow. see? doesn't that feel good? yeah.

no, i want to go fast. you want to go fast? fast. (grunting) yeah. no... oh, yeah.that feels good. oh, yeah. yeah. (moaning loudly)

okay. you know what? i think... i think maybe we are on different rhythms here. (panting) (breathing heavily) (grunting) (laughing) (clears throat) (gasps) oh. i was having a nightmare. i was so scared.

(chuckling) good morning. good morning. you look beautiful. no, i'm sure i look terrible. i just woke up. are you kidding? i'm sure i'm a mess. you slept over. i did.

i thought we had a rule against that. oh. i'm kidding. oh. (laughs) that was funny. i'm kidding. you're funny in the morning. i like hanging out with you. oh, yeah.

i love hanging out with you. i think we get along really well and you're so sexy. i know. i just have a lot coming up at work and i don't want to make promises i can't keep. you know what i mean? i know you do. mmm-hmm. yeah. we're on the same page. i'm not looking for a relationship right now, either.

let's just say that. whatever you wanna... i can do... i'd rather just... i like simple... i'm not like other girls. i'm not like, "be my boyfriend!" unless you were like, "yeah!" then i'd be like, "maybe." (chuckles) but let's not. mmm-mmm. i don't want that either. wow, this is so awkward.i really want you to leave, but i don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

oh. (machine whirring) come on! hands behind your heads! let's go! sit-ups! you're looking like pieces of bacon on a plate. it's disgusting! i smell the fat! (groaning) he scares me. (grunting) me, too. lillian: but he's an excellent motivator. that's true.

what are you looking at? shit, he sees us. oh, god. hey! hey! if you want to take this class, you're going to have to pay for it like the restof these bitches! what, are you dancing? in the park... dance class? you are not dancing.you are not dancingin the park! go, go, go, go!

instructor: freeloaders! i'm coming over there. is he coming? instructor: i'm coming after you! sorry, rodney. we're on a budget. instructor: oh, come on! it's only 12 bucks! (laughing) oh, my god! come on! you fucking freeloaders. we are out of our minds.

i know. that's okay. i'm so glad that we got to do this. i feel like i haven't seen you in forever. mmm. i've been in chicago a lot. i know. sleeping at dougie's house. well, it's justcloser to work. how is it going with him anyway? i don't know. i mean, it's fine, but i just feel like he's been distant lately.

and i don't know... he calls me "dude" a lot. that doesn't mean anything. i think everything is fine. i don't know. anyway, what did you dolast night? um... what did you dolast night? (gasps)

you are not telling me something. i hung out with ted for a little bit. i knew it! we had fun. it was fun. here's what i don't like about it. you hate yourself after you see him, every time. and then we go through this, and then you feel like shit, and it's almost like you're doing it

because you feelbad about yourself. he called me late, and we hung out. it wasn't a big deal. and you know what? it was fun. ew! you had sex with him. we had an adult sleepover. oh. did you let him sleep over in your mouth? annie! i'm sorry! you're unbelievable.

he kept putting it near my face. they do that, don't they? why do they do that? let us offer. if we don't offer... please. you're supposed to slap it away. i couldn't. you don't want to look right at it. no. it's too aggressive. it's like...

"hello." that's my impression. those are the balls? yeah. i'm trying to make it round, but i can't because i have elbows. he is so hot, though. look, i knowyou say he's cuteand all that stuff, but it makes you feel like shit, you know? you're a total catch,and any guy would bepsyched to be your man.

you should justmake room for somebodywho is nice to you. you know what?he's honest! he told me that we are what we are and we're just having fun. and i like that. he also told you that you need dental work. he's an asshole. i don't need dental work. you're right. there is nothing wrong with my teeth.

you are so beautiful. will you marry me? yes. (both giggling) i love you. i don't want to go to work today. mmm-mmm. let's see how many times terry's called me. oh! only 15!

you know what, terry? i don't want to pick up your monkey lamps. sorry! monkey lamps? ugh. i cannot wait to never work for a psychopath again. oh! annie! i'm sorry. i should have gone down mason. annie: well, i'm the genius that opened a bakery during the recession. they were good cakes, annie. thank you. come on. look away, look away, look away.

do you have any ideas of styles? oh, i don't know. what do you think, honey? whatever you want. look at how you guys are making this decision together. that's sweet. you guys love each other, huh? yeah. ohh! that's sweet. that will go away. (chuckles) (whispering) you cannottrust anybody, ever.

especially someone you're in a relationship with. 'cause they're living with you, you don't know who you're sleeping next to. it is scary. i mean, look at him. he may not even be asian. it is scary. so did you guys want to look at these engagement rings? we're going to browse. okay, sure. i'll be here.

(indistinct) what was that about? um, nothing. they had to run. they had to go somewhere. and no wonder. you're selling lifelong happiness. you're not telling everyone about your problems and how your boyfriend left you, and maybe marriage will work out. show me your "love is eternal" face. no, that's two years, four years tops. that is not eternal.

kahlua, can you come over here for a second, please? what's up, don-don? you make upthe best nicknames. you don't need a nickname because kahlua is so delicious. don't sue mefor touching you. show annie your"love is eternal" face. that looks likeyou have menstrual cramps. thank you so much, kahlua. now, why can't you be more like kahlua?

look, i'm trying really hard. you've justgot to try harder. the whole reason you have got this job, annie, is because your mom is my sponsor in aa, and i'm doing her a favor. i understand. oscar, get back to work. you shouldn't bebehind the counter. man on tv: andrew, you are not the father! (whooping on tv)

(brynn giggling) that's great. yeah. stop that. don't do that. (door opening) hey, brynn. oh, hey, roomie. guess what happened to me today. hmm. what? i got a free tattoo.

you did what? i could not believe it. the guy said, "do you want a tattoo?" just a random... yeah, opened up the side of his van. no. he said, "it's for free!" and i said, "sure." you said yes? yeah!

yeah. look. see here? what is it? see that? oh, my god. oh, my god, brynn! it's a mexican drinking worm. it's a native americansymbol meaning "wasted." okay, brynn, just so you know, it's... hello. how are you? gil, hi.

have you seen your sister's tattoo? it's really infected. better get a little bit of ice on it. yeah, a little bit. stick some frozen peas on there. yeah. it can't hurt. all right. so, i just wanted a quick word. you know that tomorrow the rent is due. i was getting my check, and i wondered

if i could getyour check, too? yes. i'm getting the money. it's been a little slow. (moaning) you have to keep itin the bag andput the bag on it. so, the check? yes. yes. because it's a kind of,like, "needing ittoday"-type situation. it's coming.

(knock on door) lillian: who is it? annie: me! who is it? oh, my god. hurry up, your creepy neighbor asked me if i wanted to watch the news again. sorry. he is so gross. (imitating accent)please, come on in.let me take your magazines. welcome to the magazineand wine party. ooh!

have a seat. i'm very happythat you are here. what? because i want to eat an apple. would you like some apple? what is that? i got engaged. he asked me last night. what?

i know! that's why he's been acting so weird 'cause he's a terrible liar, and he thought he was gonna blow it. he was ignoring me and i thought he was going to break up with me. oh, my gosh. (whimpering) oh, my gosh! i know!

lil! i'm shocked, still. but i'm happy. can you believe this? oh, my god. oh, my god, i just got hot. you did?are you okay? yes. my pits are sweating. what does that mean? my stomach hurts. i'm hot. oh, my god! (exclaiming) what is happening?

i don't know.i'm wearing a ring. i can't believe it. lil, you're getting married. i'm getting married. and you'll bemy maid of honor. god, of course i will! it will be super fun. it's gonna be really fun. yeah. you know, we can plan everything together.

my god! planning your wedding... are you sure you're up for it? i know it's a lot to ask and to put on your plate. and you're going through a tricky time, and you're super-busy... stop. it's a lot to ask. okay. it's fine. and i'm more than happy to do it, and it's not too much.

(cell phone ringing) oh! look at that.it's my fiancã© calling. oh, your fiancã©. hi, baby, what's up? (both cheering) it's annie. i just told her! yeah, she's so happy. no, i'm not! "yay," she said. (chuckling)

what, baby? i know, i miss you, too. (laughing) yeah, i'll meet you in an hour. i love you, too. (continues laughing) annie: wow. wynonna judd. that's really good.

painting those giant bangs was a royal pain in my can. and those teeth! i should have painted her mouth shut. can you just get dressed? we're gonna be late for the engagement party. i forgot to tell you, honey. what? forgot to tell you. what? i signed up to speak at aa tonight, and i just have to.

mom! no. i forgot. i'm sorry. sorry, sorry, sorry. i keep telling you, you're not supposed to go to those things. you're not an alcoholic. only because i've never had a drink. they are inspiring. there is this one story i've just got to tell you. sit down. okay.

this gentleman who started blow-jobbing to get crack. his name is marvin johnson... mom, anonymous.you keep...it's no names. okay, okay. forget it. marvin j. whatever. too late. well, he became a gay prostitute. and he realized that he had hit his bottom. and i have been thinking, honey,

that maybe this is your bottom. i'm telling you, hitting bottom is a good thing. because there's nowhere to go but up. because there's nowhere to go but up. right? yep. that's what you say. yeah, a positive message. yeah. thanks for the pep talk, mom. oh, honey. anytime, anytime.

all right. i guess i'm going to lillian's party by myself, then. don't talk to me about being by yourself. i go everywhere by myself. thanks to that new whore, barb. mom, come on. no, i don't like to say it. they've been married 12 years. okay. but she'sstill a whore. i'm sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.

i don't want to think about that. i bet she got that car by giving your dad something sexually. 'cause there was one thing i would never do, and i'm sure barb is a champion at it. i don't want to know. it's called a "chicken coop." of course it is. you start at the back and you peck your way to the front like you have a beak.

and then you end up with two eggs in your mouth. that's gross. well, i'm sure your dad likes it. of course, he grew up on a farm. okay. you sure you don't want to move in with me? mom, thanks, but no way. no way in hell. yeah?

no, thanks. think about it. you don't need your own place. yeah, i kind of do. (sighs) okay. all right, i'm going to go. all right. holy shit. (chuckles nervously)

ohh. valet. perfect. (clears throat) sorry. needs a wash. (engine stalls) you have to punch it a few times. (engine cranking) (indistinct chattering) (jazz music playing) annie!

oh, my god! oh, my god, lillian. this is your engagement party. isn't that crazy? it's so beautiful. i can't believe dougie's boss is a member here. i know, and his parents, too. and dougie, i guess. oh, gosh, and me, i guess, too, now. come on, let's go say hi to the rest of the bridal party!

you remembermy cousin rita? rita. annie. i haven't seen yousince you graduatedhigh school. she has three kids now. three boys. lillian: they're so cute. they are cute,but when theyreach that age, they are disgusting.

they smell, they are sticky, they say things that are horrible, and there is semen all over everything, okay? disgusting. i cracked a blanket in half. do you get where i'm going with that? i do. i cracked it in half. lillian: annie, this is becca, my friend from work.

we are in the trenches together. hey. it's great to meet you. hey, how are you? nice to meet you. this is my husband, kevin. hi. "husband." i like to say it. we are newlyweds. oh, wow. congratulations.

thank you so much. we went ona sweethearthoneymoon. where did you guys go? disney world. disney world. we finish each other's sentences. sorry. (both giggling) sorry. is this your husband? no, no, no, no, no.

i don't know him. i'm sorry. do you want to go for a walk later? oh. i can't. i can't. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm not with anybody. i'm here solo. let's start it again. i'm becca. (gibberish) rewind. this is my husband. you don't have a husband.

sorry. and this is dougie's sister, megan. hey. hi. oh, my grandma is not supposed to have wine. i'll be right back. hey. hey. how is it going? it's going great. it's going great. i'm on the mend. i just got some pins in my legs.

believe it or not, pins in my legs, i can still do this. right? i fell off a cruise ship, but i'm back. oh, shit. yeah, "oh, shit." yeah, "oh, shit." took a hard, hard, violent fall. kind of pinballed down. hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. i'm not going to say i survived, i'm going to say i thrived. i met a dolphin down there.

and i swear to god, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul. into my goddamn soul, annie. and he said, "i'm saving you, megan." not with his mouth, but he said it, i'm assuming, telepathically. we had a connection that i don't even know if i can... oh, jesus. (making garbled sounds) hey, shut my mouth. look at... unbelievable. you must be annie's fella.

i'm megan. it's a pleasure. he's not... i'm not... he's not... i'm not with him. sorry. all right. i'm glad he's single, because i'm going to climb that like a tree. okay. you have to meet helen. there she is. helen. come here! helen, this is annie.

hi! there she is. maid of honor. so lovely to meetlillian's childhood friend. you are so pretty. you are so cute! you are so sweet. helen is married to dougie's boss, mr. harris. perry. perry. and they are so close now, they are literally joined at the hip. which is good, because so are we.

i know.i'm so glad you guysare finally meeting. i know. me, too. i know. it's lovely. well, excuse me, i better go check on the hors d'oeuvres. but it was great to finally meet you. it's a great party. enjoy. lillian: bye. bye.

helen: bye. she's great, isn't she? she's awesome. lillian's dad: and i really look forward to having doug as part of our family. so much so that you two should get married right now and save me a shitload of money. (all laughing) dad. everybody always laughs at that, but i'm not joking.

i'm not joking. anyway, i want to thank all of you for coming. and here's to doug and my baby girl, lillian. cheers! i love you, dad. lillian's dad: enough of me. let's get the maid of honor up here. annie? (cheering)

hi. i'm annie walker. yay, annie! i'm not going to go on with a big speech, so i'll just say this. i'm so happy to be a part of this celebration. and you two deserve each other, as well as a lifetime of happiness. thank you. annie: cheers. love you guys.

guests: cheers. thanks, annie. cheers. thank you, annie. that was so sweet. thank you. lil, remember that trip we took to miami with the boys? and they were working the entire weekend, and we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle. and i shared things with you that i've never shared with anyone. and you made me realize how i can trust people again.

so let me just say, lillian, you are my best friend. (crying) and i'm so proud of you. sorry. and, dougly... i'm sorry, inside joke. you better not keep my lil on a leash because i still need my drunken saturday nights at rockin' sushi, okay? everybody raise your glasses to the couple of the decade, doug and lillian.

(whooping) (guests whooping) have a great night. dessert wine is out. dessert wine, yummy. excuse me. um... i just wanted to say really quick that (sighing) you are so specialto me, because... well, one of the reasons is because i've known you my whole entire life. and you've really helped shape who i am.

i just want to thank you for carefully selecting me as your maid of honor. i know you hadsome other choices, but you are like my sister, and i love you. well, that concludes the speeches for the night. thank you. one last thing. it's rare to meet someone as an adult who you really connect with, and that's you, lil. i went to thailand recentlywith my husband, perry,

and there is a beautiful saying that i learned there. (speaking thai) it means, "you are a part of me, "a part that i could never live without, "and i hope and i pray that i never have to." (thanking in thai) (both thanking in thai) and that's it for tonight. thank you for coming. thank you all for coming.

really quick, i just wanted to say really quick... dessert wine is out. consuelo? really quick. speaking of consuelo, lillian and i took spanish together in school. and so, i would just like to say to you, and to everyone here... (speaking spanish) thank you. thank you. i feel so close to you and can trust you.

you are my angel and soul mate. and i feel i cancommunicate with youwith simply a look. thank you for coming. here, i'll take that. i'll take that. yep, i got it. lillian... (singing) keep smiling, keep shining knowing you can always count on me for sure

that's what friends are for in good times and bad times in good times and bad times i'll be on your side forever more that's what friends are for that's what friends are for (vocalizing off-key) (guests cheering) lillian: man, engagement parties rule.

it made me feel awesome, like i can go out and catch another dude to marry. so, what's up with her, anyway? with helen? i'm just like... i don't know. she's in your wedding and you've only known her eight months, though, right? come on. get it out, get it all out. i'm just... like, the whole gown, and the...thing.

it's just weird, right? you know what? she's actuallyreally cool, annie. she's really...she's a good one.i'm telling you. well, i'm sureif you like her,i will like her. you have to justget to know her. which i think you really should. and... will youjust do me a favor? would you justhang out with her once,

just the two of you. all right? as a favor to me. okay, i will. i love you, annie lou. i love you, too. bye. (imitating voice)oh. hi, i'm helen. you live in milwaukee? i'm sorry. have you met lillian?she's my best friend.

yeah, i know. we've only known each other for five minutes. oh! oh! (tires screeching) (siren blaring) oh, cute. no. no. come on. (sighs) see? okay? i'm not drunk. i told you. so, you are just a terrible sober driver?

ha-ha. very funny. can i stop walking now? you can stop walking when i tell you to stop walking. hey, look. if i was drunk, would i be able to do this? stop it. stop it. please, stop. please, stop. i believe you. you are not drunk. but i'm still gonna have to give you a ticket. what? why? it's a funny thing about brake lights. you have to have them.

i knew it. god, those have been out for a year. i'm so stupid. look, please. please, i promise i will get them fixed. this week, i promise. please. do you have to give me a ticket? yes. license and registration, please. thanks. look at that, you live on wynnewood drive. yep.

we are neighbors. i just live over on ashley. ah. i used to work on ashley. you did? where? i had a bakery on the main part of the street there. oh. cake baby. you are cake baby! yeah!

yeah, you had your sign. it was your face. yeah! that was you? that was me. you made good cakes. thanks. you used to make these little pastry things, and you'd put somethingin them, like a creamor a custard... cream puffs.

cream puffs, that's what you call them. delicious. i used to get served by this tall, broad guy, with, like, a wormy face. yeah, that wasmy boyfriend. sorry. no, no. it was... he was my boyfriend, and then he left me when the business went under. so, anyway... you're kidding?

what a dick. i'm glad i never tipped him. you know what? let's forget about this. let's just forget this one. really? under one condition. what? what? get your taillights fixed... i promise. i promise i will. i promise. thank you.

...before you kill someone. i'm not going to kill anybody. all right. here, there's your id. and i'm going to give you this. it's a buddy of mine. he has a body shop in milwaukee. he'll fix those right up for you. bill cozbi? yeah, with a "z." different guy.

yeah. and don't mention the whole"bill cosby" thing to him. it drives him nuts. i mean it. okay, i get it. thanks. oh, you know what?if you mention my name,that i referred you, he'll give you a particularly good deal. my gosh. thank you. i really appreciate it. thanks. okay. well, i appreciated your cakes.

so, we are even. that's me, there.rhodes. officer rhodes. that's really nice of you. (engine starts) we are not all bad. i was just saying,we are not all bad! oh. yeah. actually, the rest of them are, but not me. i'm the best of them.

okay. thank you. anyway. thank you. i didn't know you played tennis. oh, yeah, i played a little in high school. i'm so glad we were able to do this. i'm really glad we could do this, too. it's nice we get to hang out. i know, right? it's too bad lillian couldn't play with us today.

poor thing, she is so busy. oh, i know. but she's not really that into sports. even when we were little, she didn't like anything that was too competitive. she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. it's funny howpeople change,isn't it? yeah. i mean, i don't know.do people really change? mmm. i think they do. yeah, but, i mean, they still stay who they are, pretty much.

i think we change all the time. i think we stay the same, but grow, i guess, a little bit. i think if you are growing, then you are changing. but, i mean, we are changing from who we are, which we always stay as. not really, i don't think so. i think so. i don't. (both chuckle)

oh, annie! these are my kids. step-kids. step. (laughing loudly) they are so hilarious. funny. excuse me, my husband's kids. what are you guys up to? going to the snack bar. awesome. you need a ride home later?

fuck off, helen. okay. put a quarter in the swear-jar. good to see you. they are so cute. sweet kids. (grunts) (groaning) (screams in pain) carol!

get your shittogether, carol! (screaming) (groans) (whooping) yes! i've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial. um... i've been thinking, and... brynn needs to startpaying rent. that's it. she's been herelong enough. the three of us live here, it's not fair for me to be paying half.

we split it three ways.what do you say? well, she can't work. she's on a tourist visa. yeah. so, technically, i'm only allowed to tour. well, you know... i have no way of earning money, unless i just go and prostitute down on the street. i don't want you to do that, no. "hello, fellas. here i am." yeah, but we...

"put your american sausage "in my english mcmuffin." no, we did that. okay, i don't even know what you're talking about anymore. there's threepeople living here. if she doesn't start paying... brynn: i'm not. ...she has to leave. is this about the diary again?

what diary? your diary proved very interesting to read. you read my... you read my journal? at first, i did not know that it was your diary. i thought it was a very sad, hand-written book. what? that doesnot make any... but, because of the deep personal details and the bits that mentioned gil and brynn... no, no, no, no.

gil: and the crumbs. don't read my journal! then... don't go in my room! well, hello! i think, before you make those sort of demands, you need to, maybe, think about putting a note on your door saying, "do not come into my room, read my diary and wear my clothes." becca: wow, i've never been to this part of town before.

look, you can getyour checks cashednext door. i know it looks a little scary on the outside, but the food is really good, authentic brazilian. i'm telling you, this is where brazilians come to eat. i got to say,annie's reallygood at this. she always drags me to the weirdest places and the food is always incredible. and plus, you get a lot for your money, too. so that's good. all right. let's do it.

let's do it. somebody likes brazilian food. to my bridesmaids. all: cheers. cheers to lil! this is such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, and i'm so proud. and i just want to toast all of you ladies. i'm so happy to get to know you guys, and happy to saythat i have fournew friends.

absolutely. cheers. so, annie, do you have a date for the wedding? i don't... i don't think i'm bringing anybody, i guess. please, can iset you up? please? annie, you can't go to the wedding alone. please? if you go alone, people might think you're a prostitute. maybe. i'm sorry. (waiter speaking spanish)

i hope that you're all hungry for churrasco brasil. what would you like? yeah, i'll have some of that, please. i'll start with this. i'd say yes.hello, chicken. this is crazy good, ya'll. helen, aren't you eating any meat? it's not good to eat a big meal before a fitting. i feel a bit bloated, so... not me.

helen: no? no. physically,i don't bloat. lucky. that is lucky. it's a gift. i can't wait to be married for as long as you've been married. and to have kids. and be a mom. becca?

yeah? the other night, i'm slaving away, making a beautiful dinner for my family. my youngest boy comes in and says he wants to order a pizza. i said, "no, we're not ordering pizza tonight." he goes, "mom, why don't you go and fuck yourself?" he's nine. okay, now that lillian's in the bathroom, i just wanted to talk to you guys about the shower really quick.

i was thinking it could be french-themed, since she's always wanted to go to paris her whole life. ooh. so i figured we could bring paris here and have champagne and little cookies. they'd say "lillian and dougie" on them. we can dip them in chocolate fondue, and get cheese fromthe nice part of the store. i love that.

good idea, annie. we can have french invitations, the whole thing. don't you thinkthat'd be nice? that's adorable! that's really cute. good. great. i don't know. it's really cute. but i feel like, personally, the paris theme's a bit, "been there, done that." i just feel like we can top it.

we should throw some ideas around. see if anyone else has a theme they had in mind or something they'd been thinking of. (gasps) what about a pixar-themed shower? and we all come dressed as our favorite pixar character. that, and i'll just snowball on top of that, also fight club. female fight club. we grease up, we pull in. lillian doesn't know, so it's, "surprise! we're going to fight!"

we beat the shit out of her. she's not goingto forget that. we just fucking attack. can i be honest? i'm at home with three boys all day, every day. what about the bachelorette party? that's what'smore important. i've got a new tube top,i want to cut the tags off. i'd like to take advantage of this opportunity.

where are we going? megan: i'm going to second her. we'd better blow this shit out. that poor girl, lillian, who we're all here for, is in the bathroom probably bawling her fucking eyes out. because she's realizing, "holy shit! "i've got to spendthe rest of my lifewith doug." he's my brother. i love him. but he is a fucking asshole.

i think we can all agree on that, right? we can... we'll figure it out. i mean, i can think of stuff, and it will be great. we just have to make sure it's really, really special. (gasps) belle en blanc? this is the place. great job, annie. thanks. (buzzing) woman: belle en blanc. reservation name?

oh, i don't have one. we're just here to shop, just to try on some dresses. okay. well, the next available appointment for bridesmaids' fittings is in seven weeks. absolutely no walk-ins. whitney? it's helen. helen harris? yeah! hi! hi.

oh, my god. hi. listen, i'll buzz you right in. great, thanks. okay. hello. welcome, come in. you look wonderful. great to see you. welcome to belle en blanc, ladies. welcome to heaven. lillian: thank you.

megan: oh, man! this is some classy shit here. (belches) jesus, megan! i'm sorry, i want to apologize. i'm not even confident on which end that came out of. whitney, back to you. i'm sorry. anyway, take a look around.get to know the dresses. if you need anything, i'll be in my office.

have fun. oh, my god. it's a fritz bernaise. ladies, i... oh, my god! i just don't think we can do any better. this is... this is beautiful. that is gorgeous. it's unique, it's special, it's couture.

this is made in france. helen, this is $800. are you kidding? it's on sale. oh, my gosh.what a perfect combination. (gasps) are you serious? helen: you guys, it was meant to be. that's nice. there's other dresses we should be looking at. nope, not that one.

lillian, lillian, look at this one. isn't this pretty? it's really pretty and sweet, and... we don't wantto upstage lillianwith a big fancy dress. maybe we should just get something kind of simple. please do not worry about upstaging me. because guess who helen is friends with and who's designing my wedding dress. lady st. petsois juju.

i just sentmy measurementsto france, y'all. rita: no, you didn't. where were you when i was getting married? ladies, let's not decide on this bridesmaids' dress straight away. let's let our bodies decide. try some things on and have some fun, okay? yeah, let's havesome fun, girls. ladies, start your (in french accent) "engines." rita: oh, yeah.

becca: lil, lil. lillian: amazing. this is so cool. (stomach gurgling) (sighs) (chattering) ladies. ladies, if i may interject. i just want to say you all look stunning. (stomach growling) that's a given. head to toe.

but, sadly, we need to agree on one. well, i mean, ladies,you all look beautiful. but i just think, personally, the fritz bernaise is just... i mean... it's a bernaise. this is one of a kind. i just... i don't think there is a question. no. no question.

there might be a question. i might... i might have a question. i think this dress would look great on everybody. it's a great color. it's a great length. it's fun. you can twirl. you can move in it. you can spread your legs apart. and it's a great price. this is designer as well.

is anyone else hot? it is like an oven in here. okay, well,maybe this mighthelp you decide. while you gals were in the changing room, i happened to rustle up a two-year-old lady juju dress in storage. i had lillian put it on so you could see what you'll be standing next to. lillian, honey. my god.

(all gasping) beautiful length. breathtaking. holy shit! you look amazing. that's a dress. that dress is so pretty it makes my stomach hurt. lillian, i don't know what to say. you look...

(retches) megan, are you okay? (retching and farting) megan: i think... my dress was probably just tight. you got food poisoning from that restaurant, didn't you? no, i had the same thing that she had and i feel fine. oh, my... okay. oh, no.

why is this happening? nothing is happening. (farting) oh, my god. (farting) rita: i don't really care which dress we get. it doesn't matter to me. i just need to get off this white carpet. oh, god. okay. no, not the bathroom.

everybody go outside. i'm serious! there is a bathroomacross the street. i think everybody has the flu. shit! (retching) i need the toilet! i need the toilet! (groaning) i need the toilet! no!

no. no, megan. no! no! (exclaiming) look away! megan, no! (screaming) you don't look very well, annie. i feel fine. are you sure? it wasn't that gray kind of lamb? you ate a lot ofthat weird chicken.

was it that? no. i'm... (stomach growling) i... i feel fine. i think you'd just feelbetter if you threw up. i don't have... i don't have to throw up. (retching) i am so sorry. get away from me!

you're not sick? no? in fact, helen, i'm hungry. and i wish i had a snack. you're hungry? i'm starving. what did we eat? the sink is a goner. what are you doing?

it's coming out of me like lava! oh, my god. don't you fucking look at me! hmm? jordan almonds. these are great. better? i was...i was just hungry. annie, everybody is really sick from that restaurant.

but it wasn't the restaurant. no, no, no, no. lillian, where are you going? no. i need a bathroom. annie: lil! no. no. lil, where are you going? (tires screeching)

(horn blaring) helen: be careful.what are you doing? it's happening. it's happening. it happened. annie: what are you doing? it happened. no. don't you dare ruin that dress! you're really doing it, aren't you? you're really shitting in the street.

(horn honking) we'll just take fiveof the fritz bernaises. thank you, whitney.they really do look better. right. you okay? i crapped my wedding dress. i crapped... i... i crapped my wedding dress. lunch was fun, though, right? it was a good time,all the girls together.

is this a sign, annie? no. i'm just going to pull over really quick, though, because... ...my tire just feels a little... where are you going? my tire just feels a little low. i just want to check my tire real quick. (panting) oh. could i borrow your razor, please?

have a good date. is the guy that you're going out with also over 40? i'm not over 40. forget it. lift up your arm. point up. ow! hi. pete? come on in. all right. thank you.

oh. this is my son, tyler. hi, tyler. these things are always so awkward. i'm not really a setup guy. me, either. but becca spoke so highly of you. she had a lot of really nice things to say about you, too. that's nice to hear. i'm going to go upstairs, throw on a couple of finishing touches.

the babysitter's not here yet, so just hang out with tyler and i'll be right back down. so, how old are you? do you watch movies? are you afraid of dying? hmm? um... i don't know. i mean, i guess everybody is. i don't know. why?

because my mom is going to kill you. you're making me uncomfortable. your hair looks burned. are you going to make a baby with my father? i don't... i don't know. my grandma died where you're sitting. she died right here? right where your underpants are. you wanna watch me dance?

sure. (music switches on) pete: i can't do this. listen to me. i miss you so much. i'll come over right now. okay, i'm not over you yet, that's why. she's not even pretty. i'm not doing it. i can't. no. what are you doing? did you eat one of those?

did you eat one of those? i ate saturday. okay. oh, boy. you know what? something's going to happen to you. i don't know what it is, but something's going to happen to your body. (breathes heavily) that was fun. you know what i was thinking? you should come with me to lillian's wedding, maybe.

not like that. not like anything serious. but just like a fun time, you know? we can get dressed up, and we can go dancing and have a drink. it'll be fun, right? no. i mean, i don't want tomake you have to explain to all those people what our relationship is. that would suckfor you. right? yeah. i guess so. i'm just thinking of you.

no, it's okay. i have someone else i can ask, anyway. so... (scoffs) really? who? this guy, george. george glass. who is this george? he is a very hot, nice guy who likes me a lot, and would probably love to be my date.

really? mmm-hmm. well, let me ask you this. mmm-hmm? can this george glass do this to you? probably. you know what? it's getting really late. you should probably go.i'm going to miss youso much.

(knocking on glass) annie walker. hey. what brings you in here so early? i've just had a bad night. boy stuff. oh. do you want me to arrest anybody? i could do that. actually... no.

do you want to talk to a cop about it? we are just like priests. except we can tell everybody about it afterwards. oh. (laughing) i won't, though. doesn't sound very inviting. you want a carrot? right now? i'll share. i've got plenty. sure, i'll have a carrot.

yeah? oh. yeah, that sounds rough. it's going to get better, right? i wouldn't havethought so. you know, my sister was a maid of honor at our cousin's wedding, and she found it so stressful, her hair started falling out. that's terrible. it grew back, but it was...

it was pretty gross. planning a wedding should be fun. you know what? if i ever had a wedding, i'd want everybodyto be stress-free. i'd like it to be like a carnival. like, people winprizes for guessingthe bride's weight. mmm. dunk tanks. you know?

mmm-hmm. you could have elephants, and the brideand groom can walk ona little tightrope. okay, what you are talking about there, that's a circus wedding. it's a totally different... oh. right. you missed it. hey, you know, instead of stressing out about this wedding, you know what you should be doing? setting up a new bakery!

hmm. no, i'm kind ofdone with that. i don't do it anymore. all right. ew. ew. you got the ugly carrot. there is one in every bag. you have to eat it. it's good luck. i'm not eating this. yeah! i'll eat it.

it's the lucky carrot? no, don't eat it! don't eat it. don't eat it! well, don't litter!i'll fine you. you know what? actually, i'm going to pick it up. it really bothers me. oh. sorry. i'm sorry. it's just that i'm anal about that kind of thing. i didn't know that you could be a cop here if you weren't a citizen. you can't. no. no, you can't.

but they made a special dispensation because i'm sotough and strong. oh. right. and handsome. you're pretty...you're pretty tough. i am tough. (chuckling) you're tough. you're a tough cop. look. you're saying it,but you're laughing. no, you're... you're...

you didn't let meflex that time. that was unfair. i'm really tough. so am i. oh, yeah. i could be a cop. you thinkyou could be a cop? let's see. you know what? the sun is nearly up. let's go and see if you've got what it takes. that's right. now, plant your feet. good.

and take aim. now, put your left handbehind your head. yeah. and just dropyour left hip. (whistles) i'm kidding. put your arms out straight. you want to hit the middle of the license plate. that's where you get the most accurate reading. okay, here we go. you ready? (exclaims excitedly) okay.

(radar gun beeping) (radar gun beeps) fifty-eight.what's the speed limit? fifty-five. okay, they were all right. we'll let them go. you were born to do this. look at you. all right,here we go. sixty-three. you are missing some good ones here.

people are ontheir way to work.why ruin their day? okay, watch this. 48. (radar gun beeping) forty-eight. how did you do that? it wasn't! yes, it was. that's never happened. are you serious? it was 48?

yes, 48! i'm so impressed. i'm pretty impressive. i'm very impressed by you. whoa! whoa! whoa! damn! that was 91. 91?

yes. can we go? we can go. come on, hot dogger. (siren wailing) rhodes: let's get that fucker. annie: (excitedly) oh, my god! ...family lake house. perfect. (phone ringing) hello?

i just got your e-mail. lake house? yeah, it's lillian's parents' house. we used to go there all the time in the summers and everything. it's one of... a bachelorette in a cabin? (phone beeps) wait. can you... hold that thought. hold on. fucking helen. hello? annie, it's rita.

listen, i need a trip that i can fantasize forever so that i am able to have sex with my husband. that's why i'm thinking vegas. annie: vegas? hang on. hey! shut your filthy fucking mouths! i'm sorry. i'm surrounded by savages. (phone beeps) you know what? i should probably run. my other line is ringing.

you know, i can get cocainefrom my hairdresser. okay, bye. hello? (gasps) annie. yeah? i'm so excited. helen just called. she said we can go to vegas. you know... yeah, but we have to... we have to fly there, and... okay, annie, i know you are afraid of flying, but i want to see criss angel, but i'm scared. which i sort of love.

can you just hold on for one second? oh, sure, sure, sure. i... thanks. hold on.god damn it. hello? hey, annie, it's megan. oh, hey. i just had some thoughts about the bachelorette party. okay, here we go. easy-peasy.vegas it is.

helen called you, didn't she? yeah, she got the jump on you. i want balls in my face. honestly, i think it's vegas. i love puppets. balls. i guess we are undecided. (inaudible) i feel so bad annie's stuck back in coach.

i know, i offered to pay for her so she could sit in first class, but she said no. she's too proud. it was nice of you to offer. no carry-on, huh? yeah, i noticed. i noticed you didn't put anything in the overhead bin either. and i get it.

i get it. i want you to know, protect and serve air marshal-style. i don't want to infringe on your privacy, man. i just... i really appreciate what you do for this country. and i respect the hell out of you. that's great. i'm not an air marshal. i'm going to take a nap. awesome. cool.

i'll take the first watch. i'm not an air marshal.you don't need to takea watch. (whispering) i've got the first watch. pilot on pa: please check your seatbelts and that your seat backs are in an upright position before takeoff. oh, gosh. i am really hoping this flight is quick, and we get there on the ground safely. i'm not a good flyer, i'm sorry.

i had a dream last night that we went down. yep. it was terrible. you were in it. (engines powering up) it sounds like something's happening. (moaning) annie, what are youdoing up here? you are supposedto be in your seat. i know. i'm freaking out a little bit. ma'am, we're still ascending. you're gonna need to return to your seat.

okay, i was just... annie, i have something. take two, you'll fall asleep, wake up and we'll be there. here. (plane rattling) ma'am, you're going to have to return to your seat, please. it's fine. okay. all right. stewardess: ma'am! all right. all right.

oh, my god, i feel terrible. i should be sitting back there with her. i shouldn't be up here in first class. i feel like such a jerk. lil, this is your weekend, okay? you are treating yourself. just relax. she will be fine. she will make friends. there is much more sense of community in coach, i promise you. she'll be fine. i can't believe you've never been with anybody else. just kevin.

(laughing) i'm sorry. i just... becca, i just can't help but feel bad for you. you don't even know what you want. i got to know where you keep the gun, man. i mean, is it ankle, hip, lower back? you don't... between the cheeks, do you? no, i don't stick a gun up my butt. that's stupid. i didn't say "up."

i just knew of a guy, that guy did a lot of undercover work. and all i know is he had tape marks all up and down his cheeks. that can't be true. people don't keepguns up their asses because if you needed to use it, how are you going to get it? he cut a hole in his pocket. in his back pocket. you have got to get something out of your ass and you cut a hole in the back of your jeans,

you want to tell me you can't get to something? i don't have a gun for you to put up my ass to make your point. i can put my nano. i will show you. i will... if you get me scissors, i will cut a hole in my pocket. and you will never find this again until i want you to find it. kevin can only have sex in bed, in the dark, under the covers, only after we have showered

separately. and sometimes,by the time we are finishedcleaning ourselves, he's too tired. and then i pretend i'm tired, but i'm not tired. i'm not tired. i'm not tired. that's why every girl needs those slutty college years. to experiment, get it out of your system, find out what you like. excuse me, could i havea glass of alcoholwhen you get a chance? two double seven and sevens. is that...

you will like it. it's sweet. (sighs) i have to go to the bathroom. but i heard about a woman who went to the bathroom on a plane. she got sucked into the toilet. sucked right in. are you okay? yes. yeah, i just think that what you gave me didn't really do anything. i just havetoo much adrenalinor something.

but, thanks. why don't you take my scotch? it will just give the pill a little kick that it needs. honestly, i do it all the time. yeah, and i'm much smaller than you, so you'll handle it. well, thanks. (exhales sharply) yummy? yeah, it's good.

you should just toss it back. don't waste any more time. oh, look at that. (exclaims disgustedly) okay, that'll do it. that'll do it. so you don't even have sex anymore? no, i have sex constantly. the sex is constant. but he hasn't kissed me in five years. what are you doing when you are having sex, then?

thinking about other things and wishing it would stop. you know, sometimes i just want to watch the daily show without him entering me. it's the wet republic ultra pool. no. are you kidding? what is it again? helen: there is a bar in the pool and a tiger. lillian: what? it's crazy.it's vegas at its best.

wait a minute. is this that place that was on the real world? are you kidding me? oh, my god. it's... hey, buddy. how you doing? i'm good. i'm so much more relaxed. thank you, helen. i just feel like i'm excited, and i feel relaxed. (loudly) and i'm ready to party with the best of them! (singing) and i'm going to go down to the river

wow! it looks like somebody is really relaxing now. what are you guystalking about up here? we are going toa restaurant tonight.i know the owner, so... you do? oh. helen knows the owner. (scoffs) big whoop. let's go take a nap. what do you say? miss, you cannot be up here.

(mockingly) hello, grandpa. i'm sorry. i just want to be here with my friends, because i'm with this group. the sign just went off.can't she stay up herefor a minute and just talk? steward: absolutely not. coach passengers are not allowed up here in first class. it's policy. i'm sorry. this is a very strict plane that i'm on. (imitating german accent) welcome to germany.

auf wiedersehen, asshole. why don't you go lay down? i'm going to go take a nap. i'm tired. i think it's a good idea. catch youon the flip side,motherfuckers. i'm sorry. i'm leaving. steward: thank you. this should be open, because it's civil rights.

this is the '90s. right. it's not. you're in the wrong decade. you are. okay, i am. holy shit. what did you give her? (seatbelt sign beeps) miss? no. it's not me. yes, it is you. please go back to your seat.

yes, i am with him. i am mrs. iglesias. no, you are not. you were just out hereand you put sunglasses on.out. but i don't want to. sir, she can have my seat, okay? everyone should experience first class at least once in their lives. and annie shouldn'tmiss out just becauseshe can't afford it. no, ma'am, i'm afraid that's not allowed.

help me, i'm poor. lillian: no, listen, we're a whole wedding party. i'm the bride. i'm getting married. this seat is empty. she's obviously nervous. we'll calm her down and... i understand. but claire is right. everybody,go back to your seats. okay, you especially. you have three seconds to get back to your seat. (groans) you can't get anywhere in three seconds.

steward: well, you'd better try. you are setting me up for a loss already. steward: thank you. whatever you say, stove. it's steve. (splutters) "stove." what kind of name is that? that's not a name. my name is steve. are you an appliance?

no, i'm a man, and my name is steve. you are a flight attendant. that's absolutely accurate. you can close that.thank you. hey, not-air marshall jon. you want to get back in that restroom and not rest? no, i have to get back to my seat. yeah, you gotta get back on my seat. (scatting tune)

you get it? yeah, i definitely got it. oh-oh. what's that? i got to get back to my seat. could you just moveyour leg, please? i got to go. uh-oh. uh-oh. somebody found a souvenir. you feel that steam heat coming?

that's from my undercarriage. that can go up and higher. jon, get us a blanket. i got to take a whizand i'll be right back. i don't want you to be a big fuck-up like me. how do you think i feel? like me. you can still turn it around. no, don't. stop it!

you are more beautiful than cinderella. you smell like pine needles and you have a facelike sunshine. (exhaling) (intercom beeps) ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain has turned on the "fasten seatbelt" sign. it appears we've run into a rough patch of weather... annie: (on intercom) i have an announcement, too.

there is a colonial woman on the wing. there's a woman on the wing. i saw her. there's something they're not telling us! steve. there's a colonial woman. she was churning butter on that wing. steve, get her. she is out there right now. shit!

everyone, remain calm! i'm an air marshal. yes! i knew it. i got your back, jon! there is a woman on the wing. i saw her. there's something they're not telling us. let's get out! let's open the doors and get out! she is dressed in traditional colonial garb. say goodbye! we are going down! steward: stay calm. annie: there is something they are not telling us.

there is a colonial woman on the wing. i will cover the pilot! (clamoring) who is she?what does she want? just let me make it up to you, please. i'm telling you, your shower is going to be amazing. i have so many ideas. i want to talk to you about the shower.

i feel like it has been really overwhelming for you. it's just starting to make you crazy. no, lil, i'm fine. i mean... lil, i'm fine. no, you're not fine. you are not fine, annie, and we need things to just flow smoothly from now on

and helen just knows how to do this kind of stuff. she does it all the time. she is good at it. she likes doing it. this way you don't have to plan any more lunches or trips. you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. i get it. i think it'll be best here on out for the shower and for everything.

yeah, whatever you want. i mean,it's probably best. i think so, right? yeah. i just want you to be happy. i think that will make me happy. it will be good. good. do you want to hang out? (people chattering) (rhodes laughing)

annie: it's not funny! stop laughing. rhodes: it's a little funny. none of those girls are laughing, believe me. it's not funny.have you ever beenkicked off a plane? i can't say that i have. all of the girls hate me right now. you are like the maid of dishonor. (chuckles sarcastically) i hope lillianisn't going to bemad at me for too long.

no, she will be all right. i don't know,i just wish things were the way that they used to be, you know. i feel like her life is going off and getting perfect, and mine is just like... it will turn around, you know. i have been hearing that for a long time. it's going to turn around. i just know it. you got to bake.

i don't really do that anymore, i told you. why? i don't know, it's just... i don't know, after it just went under, i just, kind of, stopped, i guess. it doesn't make me happy anymore. just because you didn't make any money at it, doesn't mean thatyou failed at it. i lost a lot of money.

all my money. but you are so good at it. oh, well. let's change the subject. no more baking.i'm done. i don't know how you just can't do it anymore. if i wasn't a cop anymore, i would still... arrest people? ...go out with a gun and shoot people. i probably wouldn't do that. i'm just trying to make you feel better.

you are okay, you know. you don't know mevery well. i know you well enough to know that you're not so bad. you got some stuff. oh, yeah. you got bits and pieces going on. i have been thinking about you a little bit. about me? really? there is something about you.

something about you that sticks. i hate buttons. (rhodes moaning) where is the bedroom? (both exclaiming) sorry. it's a mountain bike. do you like mountain biking? uh-huh. (both moaning)

take this off. i'm so glad this is happening. so am i. hello. morning. sorry, i didn't mean to freak you out. i haven't been sitting here that long. sorry, i guessi fell asleep. i didn't meanto sleep over.

don't be silly. i made you a cappuccino. made it? so, last night was fun. it was. it was very fun. i had fun. it was fun. if you care to accompany me to the kitchen, the fun may continue.

a different kind of fun. but why don't you just get dressed and whatever, and... i left your clothes over there. oh. okay. and i'll see you in there. (chuckling) okay. there she is. your workshop awaits. i know it's a bit crazy, but i popped out

and i got a few little baking bits and pieces. butter, milk. because i thought that it would be fun for us to bake together today. obviously, you will be doing the baking. i will be doing the eating. because you are the expert. yeah, i don't... i don't really wanna... sorry. you went to all this trouble, but...

come on, i know you haven't done it in a while, but it'll be great. don't be silly, just get into it. you are so good at it. all right. i get it. it was a bit of a curve ball. yeah, i think i'm going to go. i'm sorry. i should just probably go. annie, i don't know what you are getting so upset about.

because you don't know me. you don't know anything about me or my life or... well, no, because... i don't know what you're trying to do here. i don't need you to fix me. to fix you? i don't need any help.i mean, who do youthink you are? jesus, annie, we had a really good time. and now you are being all... it's my fault. i shouldn't have come here last night.

last night was a mistake. fucking hell. all right. (on voicemail) hey, it's lillian. leave a message after the beep. (phone beeps) hey, lil, it's me. i'm sure you're probably still a little bit mad at me, but i hope not. anyway, the excitement still continues with me. i just slept with a copthat pulled me over

and i woke up today,and he was really sweetand nice and cute. so, naturally, i ran out as fast as i could. what's wrong with me? anyway, i knowyou are busy and stuff, so just call me when you get a chance. i'd love to talkthis out with youwhen you can. okay, bye. brynn: annie! annie, wake up. it's 11:00 a.m.

oh, shit. you got a package. i'd bring it to you, but you said, "don't touch my things." (music playing softly) helen: please join us for a parisian brunch at the home of helen harris iii to celebrate the marriage of lillian donovan and douglas price. let us shower lillian with gifts and love.rã©pondez s'il vous plaã®t. yay! (doorbell rings)

excuse me. oh. hi. i'm looking for a birthday gift for my best friend. i want to get hera necklace that says,"best friends forever." you sure you want it to say "forever"? yeah, why? come on. "forever"? forever. i don't think you guys will be best friends forever. no offense.

but you know... the friends you have when you are younger sometimes... sometimes you grow apart when you get older. maybe she'll finda new best friend. and maybe she will be more successful than you are and prettier and richer and skinnier and they end up doing everything together. you are weird. i'm not weird. okay?

yes, you are. no, i'm not, and you started it. no, you started it. did you forget to take your xanax this morning? god, i feel badfor your parents. i feel bad for your face. okay, well, call me when your boobs come in. you call me when yours come in. (scoffs) what, do you have four boyfriends?

exactly. yeah, okay, have fun having a baby at your prom. you look like an old mop. you know what? you're not as popular as you think you are. i am very popular. i'm sure you are. very popular. well, you're an old, single loser who is never going to have any friends.

you're a little cunt. oh, let me tell my mom, okay. i already told her. was she mad? mmm-hmm. (cell phone beeps) hi, annie, it's rhodes again. since you're not returning any of my calls, i assume that you're not interested

in spending any more time with me, which is fine. so don't worry, i won't be bothering you ever again. get those taillights fixed. we'd like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore. what? what do you mean? i don't get it. the thing is, we decided that it was actually a bit immature for a grown-up brother and sister to still beliving togetherwith a roommate. at our age, it's a bit ridiculous, isn't it?

we look a bit silly, don't we? pathetic. so we are actually going to live together alone. without you. you're moving out. she's not moving. she will move. eventually. eventually.

she has to. she is taking it in. you have to leave. oh, that's prickly. remember when you thought i hit bottom? that wasn't bottom. (sighs) come here. we're gonna have fun. i, for one, am really glad you're here. and guess what?

good timing. you know what just came in today on the netflix? cast away. tom hanks. it's like forrest gump, but on an island. honey, you are gonna love it. (whispering) my god. this is her driveway? who is that man? are you a guest of helen harris iii?

yes. technically. i guess. an attendantwill meet youat the stables. where? the shower is over the second bridge. pink lemonade? oh. thank you. i don't have a cup holder. can i just give that... pink lemonade. nice. nice touch. shit.

god damn it, that's good. mmm. (exhales) shit, that is fresh. this is the most beautiful shower i have ever been to. girl 2: yes, and helen is giving out the cutest party favors. girl 1: i know, i love their pink berets. (soft music playing) would you likesome champagne? yes.

it's french. annie. hey. how are you doing? you're here. yeah, i'm here.i was invited. sorry. of course you were invited. i just meant you have arrived. no, i was just joking. okay. (chuckles) can you believe this? isn't it amazing? yep.

yeah. it's nice. yeah. pretty. are we okay? yes, i'm sorry i haven't called. i just didn't wantto bug you, but... forgive me. it just got crazy. there has been lots of organizing, and... i have so much to tell you. i have to say hi to my aunt or she will get mad at my mom.

no, you gotta godo your party rounds. i'll see you in a minute. yeah. okay. oh, rita, you got all our towels. yes, i did. because i love you, kitten. all right, let's see what's next. another one, another one, another one. i know who this is from.i can tell by the wrapping. is that you?

annie, you made this. look. oh, man. lillian: oh, my gosh. it's us, annie. megan: oh, my god. let me see. this is all my favorite stuff from all the stores i love in milwaukee. annie! this is so unbelievable.

wilson phillips. (girls laughing) man, i love wilson phillips. we listened to hold onprobably 10,000 times when i got my driver's license. this is such an amazing gift. you're welcome. i feel really bad, lil, i didn't get a chance to actually get you a present

because i have been so busy organizing the shower. helen, please. it's more than enough. here is a card to say congratulations. thank you. gosh, you have really outdone yourself. oh, my god, helen. woman: honey, what is it? helen's taking me to paris. (all exclaiming) helen: your face!

i got you. i fooled you. look at your face. it's just a little pre-wedding vacation. and while we're there, we're gonna meet the designer of her dress and have a fitting. lillian: you aretaking me to paris? oh, my god! this is the best present ever! thank you so much. helen: 〠paris! lillian: oh, my god.

are you fuckingkidding me? annie! no, mom. motherfucking paris? annie,what are you doing? i told you about paris, helen. i told you about this whole idea! annie, calm down. no, lillian! what, you're gonna go to paris with helen now?

what, you guys are gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket of the front of your bikes? oh! how romantic! what woman gives another woman a trip to paris? am i right? lesbian. we're all thinking it, aren't we? i'm not. okay? yes, we're all thinking it, right?

i was. annie... lillian, this is not the "you" that i know. the "you" that i know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and thought this was completely over-the-top, ridiculous and stupid. look at this shower! look at that fucking cookie! did you really think that this group of women was going to finish that cookie?

really? you know what? that reminds me, actually. i never got a chance to try that fucking cookie! stupid fucking cookie! ooh! delicious! stupid cookie. i think i'll... maybe it's better if i dip it in the chocolate. (annie groans) (all gasp) (grunts in frustration) is this what you want, lillian?

(screaming hysterically) this is so awesome. all right, let's have some nice, hot, unsanitary chocolate! ahh! it's hot!jesus! god! christ, annie. have you lost your fucking mind? what are you doing? what am i doing? you wouldn't know, would you? where have you been? you would have no idea. let me fill you in, okay?

ever since you got engaged, everything hasturned to shit! you know what? this is supposed to be about my time! you have managed to ruin every event in my wedding. thank you very much. okay, well, thank you very much. it's all her fault.it is not mine! and you would know that, if you got your beautiful haired head out of your asshole.

in fact, out of her asshole, which i'm sure is perfectly bleached. you know what? it is! and you know how i know? because i went to the fucking salon with her and i got my asshole bleached, too! and i love my new asshole! you know what? why can't you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later, like a normal person? i am happy for you, lillian. i am very happy for you.

i wish you well. i won't bother you anymore. are you kidding me? annie! go, go, go, go, go! get back here! stop. no, no! she does not get a party favor. she does not get a dog! and if you are going to act like this, then don't even bother coming to my wedding! i'm proud of you, lil.

shut up, helen! anybody else have anything they want to share today? i took two dogs already. they're in the back of my van. (exhales deeply) (music blaring on radio) (car horn honking) (tires squealing) what? where are you going? hit and run! classy!

perfect! okay. i'm gonna find you!i'm coming! (car engine stalling) come on! come on! come on. no! (exclaiming sorrowfully) shit. i can't say i'm surprised. i did tell you to get your lights fixed.

yeah, i know. and now here we are. look, i have had a horrible day. i don't need a lecture from you right now, okay? i just... helen just... oh! don't... this didn't happen because of helen. this happened because you didn't get your taillights fixed. it's pretty simple.

do you have any idea how frustrating it is to see you,night by night,drive past me with your fucking taillights still broken? do you have any idea how crazy that makes me? it's a simple solution! your problem, annie, is that you just don't understand that you can hurt people with these broken lights. don't you see how irresponsible this is?

yes, i should have gotten my fucking taillights fixed. but i didn't, okay? i didn't. listen, don't worry about it. seriously. your message was received. no, look, please, i don't know what's going on with me right now. look, it's fine. don't bother. really, what's done is done. that's it? where are you going? that's it! that's it. that's how this works.

come on. i didn't... for the record, annie, you flirted with me. you made me feel like you really liked me, which was really unfair. and then you came home with me and we did stuff, fun stuff, and then you just left, just like it was nothing. oh, please. i know how guys do this thing. i know how guys act. one minute, it means something. the next minute, it doesn't.

right, yeah, you've got it all figured out. how is that working out for you? pretty good? boom! what's up, fuck-buddy? you call for some roadside assistance? thanks, officer.i can handle itfrom here on out. come on! i didn't have anyone else to call! i didn't know that you were gonna show up! that's the problem with cops, annie.

we're just never there when you need us. that cop talks weird. ted: come on, dingus. tick-tock. i got shit to do. check it out. look what's steering the car. thanks again for picking me up. not a problem. were you busy? well, it is friday. you know,you look tired.

if you're tired, you can totally lay down in my lap,if you want. just take a little lap-nap. if you want. open for biz. okay, can you just pull over? ooh, yeah, actually,that's an even better idea. no, no, no, can you please just stop the car? i want to get out. no, it's super gravelly.

please pull over! why? because i would rather get murdered out here than spend the next half-an-hour with you. can you please just pull over? come on, annie. it's called humor. learn about it. besides, i would never last a half-hour. goodbye, ted.

(scoffs) if you're trying to turn me on, it's working. you used me! no big deal. you are no longer my number three! (gasping) wilson! wilson! i'm sorry! i'm sorry, wilson. wilson, i'm sorry!

(sniffling) i'm sorry! oh, no, wilson. wilson! i'm coming in. let's go, let's go.and we're walking. okay, we're walking. heel. heel! no pee. no! not on the carpet! okay, we're coming... we're coming in.

everybody is in and having fun. we're having fun. and heel! we're heeling. heel! how many of those did you take? i took nine. i took nine. yeah, i did slightly over-commit to the whole dog thing. it turns out, i'm probably more comfortable with six. it's a lot... that's a lot of energy to deal with.

but you wouldn't know anything about that, because you haven't been returning my calls. and say what, megan? say, "hi, i can't get off the couch. "i got fired from my job. i got kicked out of my apartment. "i can't pay any of my bills. my car is a piece of shit. "i don't have any friends. the last time i..." you know what i find interesting about that, annie? it's interesting to me that you have absolutely no friends.

you know why it's interesting? here's a friend standing directly in front of you, trying to talk to you. and you choose to talk about the fact that you don't have any friends. you know what i mean. no, i don't think you want any help. i think you want to have a little pity party. that's not true.

i think annie wants a little pity party. you're an asshole, annie! oh, my god. what are you doing? you're an asshole. i'm life. huh? is life bothering you? yes! what are you doing? i'm life, annie. i'm life, annie. you have got tofight back on life. megan! you better learn to fight.

megan! i'm life and i'm going to bite you in the ass! (annie screaming) megan... it's not me. i'm your life. turn over! my god! i'm trying to get you to fight for your shitty life, and you won't do it! you just won't do it. stop it.

you stop slapping yourself. stop slapping yourself. i'm your life, annie. i'm your shitty... (groans) i'm sorry. nice hit. i'm glad to see you've got a little bit of spark in you. i knew that annie was in there somewhere. i think... i think you're ready now to hear a little story about a girl. a girl named megan.

a girl named megan that didn't have a very good time in high school. i'm referring to myself when i say "megan." it's me, megan. yeah, i got that. i know you look at me now and think, "boy, she must have breezed through high school." not the case, annie. no, this was not easy going up and down the halls. okay?

they used to try to blow me up. they threw firecrackers at my head. firecrackers. i mean literally. i'm not saying that figuratively. i got firecrackers thrown at my head. they called me a freak. do you think i let that break me? do you think i went home to my mommy, crying, "i don't have any friends. megan doesn't have any friends"? no, i did not. you know what i did?

i pulled myself up, i studied really hard. i read every book in the library. and now? i work for the government. i have the highest possible security clearance. don't repeat that! i won't. i can't protect you. i know where all the nukes are and i know the codes. i won't say anything.

you would be amazed. a lot of shopping malls. i have six houses. i bought an 18-wheeler a couple of months ago just because i could. okay, you lost lillian. you got another best friend sitting right in front of you, if you would notice. huh? now, you got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

okay, 'cause i do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems. 'cause you're your problem, annie. and you're also your solution. right? i mean, that's... you get that? i just miss her, i guess. yeah, i know you do. i know you do.

all right, come on. bring it in. there's the annie... there's the annie i knew was there, okay? all right. man, you have got to wash your hair. you've got to wash that hair. what's wrong? nothing. i love you. looks great. thank you.

rhodes and i worked out a deal way back when, so it's on the house. are you serious? yeah. i owe him big time. that's really nice. hey, mom? this is my mom, judy. hey, how are you? nice to meet you. good to meet you, too. wait a minute, don't i know you from aa?

bill cozbi: oh, my gosh. you made that artichoke dip, didn't you? it's good, huh? it's just delicious. (knocking on door) come in. are you sure you're not gonna come with me today? it's lillian's big day. mom, she doesn't want me there. i'll fix youa tuna fish sandwich.

mom, it's 8:00in the morning. you can putsyrup on it. (exclaims) what do you want? i was wondering if you knew where lillian was. no, why would i... what do you mean? i can't find her. we've looked everywhere. she is missing. can you help? okay, just wait here. i think i know someone that might be able to help.

i'll get my keys. can i just use... i mean, i just don't know what could have possibly gone wrong. everything was going smoothly. the dress looked fantastic. it had come in from paris. dougie was being great and very helpful. i had organized everything to the last final detail. i just... i don't know what's happened to her.

i don't know.you should know, right? you're her best friend.it's weird thatyou don't know. you guys are so close. annie, i want to apologize to you personally for all of the things that have gone down. i know that i hurt you, and that i created a distance between you and lillian. i want to apologize for that... i don't want to hear...

...and everything that happened at the shower. and with las vegas... okay, i don't want to hear any more, honestly. i don't even want to talk to you. harry never really wants to talk to me, either. he travels a lot. like, all year. i'm basically just by myself. i don't want to... i don't feel sorry for you. i really liked that original dress you picked at the bridal store.

i thought it was beautiful. you have really lovely taste. thanks, but it's a little too late for that. and i know... i don't think that brazilian food really gave us food poisoning. no, it did. no, i don'tthink it did. it was the food. i shit my pants on the way home. i don't think it was your fault. that was my fault.

i think people just ask me to their weddings because i'm good at organizing parties. i don't have any female friends. (crying) i'm so sorry. why are you smiling, annie? it's just... it's just... it's the first timei've ever seen youlook ugly. and that makes me kind of happy.

i look ugly? no, i don't. i don't really look ugly. a little bit. you're an ugly crier, but that's okay. no, i'm not really an ugly crier. maybe just a little bit. just a little bit. it's just my makeup. but i still look pretty good. annie: rhodes! rhodes.

oh! come on! rhodes! he's ignoring you. let me. yes, he is. officer! roll down your window! excuse me! please! rhodes, i know you can hear me, and i know you're mad at me, but i need your help. please! you know this guy? i just want to get his attention.

annie! oh, my god. annie: reckless driving! annie, my hair! what are you doing? i'm speeding! you better pull me over! really? here comesthe litter-bug! (whooping) let's see what marmaduke's doing. just texting. talking on the phone while i'm driving.

not even using my hands. oh, hi! mmm! yum! yum! beer! yum! yum! yum! idiot. (rap music blaring) annie: hey, what's up, man? i don't care.i don't care. i'm going to hurl. i feel really sick, annie! annie: hey, who's driving that car?

can we go up now? that's not clever. annie: hey! i'm topless! i'm totally topless. (siren wails) wow. unbelievable. what the fuck are you doing? hey! are you crazy?

are you crazy? all of that stuff, that would have been dangerous for a good driver. i'm sorry. i just... i really need your help. we can't find lillian. how long hasshe been gone? she's been missing for 12 hours. 12 hours? it's not a missing person until it's at least 24 hours. have you ever seen csi? 24 hours.

let me get on with my job, annie. nathan, please? i really need your help. please, nathan. who is this one? this is helen. i'm helen. it's helen. hello, helen. i've heard wonderful things.

okay, thanks, buddy.bye-bye. okay, we've traced her cell phone to the corner of craner and rose. do you know where that is? yes. that is her apartment. i thought you said you looked there. we did. we did. last night. so you're saying she's at her apartment? that's what you're telling me? annie: she must have gone back after you left.

god, that was crazy of her. thank god! thank you. let's go. let's go. we found her! i am so sorry. i didn't mean to waste your time. that's embarrassing. no, you are welcome. it's this kind of high-octane stuff that really made me want to become a cop. "missing girl found at her apartment."

it's... it's adrenalin-pinching. it's nice to see you. i'm glad that you got your taillights fixed. means i won't have to stop you again. annie, let's go. anyway, go and save your friend from her apartment. bye-bye. do you mind actually if i go by myself?

sure. lil? lillian? (lillian moaning) lil? go away. what happened? this whole wedding is fucked up. helen just took over everything, and

everything's got out of control. and my dad can'tafford the wedding. this has been really hard to do without you. it's been shitty. i'm sorry. nope. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i kicked you out of my wedding. it's my fault. no, it's my fault.

i think i'm the one with the mental problems. yeah, wasn't it my turn to be crazy? the bride's supposed to be crazy. yes, technically. you kind of stole all the crazy. i out-crazied you. everything's going to be okay. yeah? how do you know that? i left the rehearsal dinner last night.

i told dougie i had to go get q-tips. and all of a sudden, i realized i was driving here. i came here. i realized this is the last time i'm going to be here in this apartment with that couch, and this bed, and take a bath in my bathtub.

because you know how much i love my bathtub. it's a good tub. i slept in there on my 30th birthday, remember? everything's gonna change. i mean, i'm notgoing to get to live five minutes away from you. and it makes me so sad. well, don't be. don't be sad. because things are going to change,

but they'll be better. you know? you're gonna take this huge, great, beautiful step. and dougie loves you more than anything. and so do i. but what about you? what's gonna happen to you? i'm gonna be fine. so don't worry, okay? i'm gonna be... i am fine.

and besides, you need to blaze the trail for me. and then report back and tell me what's coming. whatever you say, boss. all right, let's get your dress on, okay, and let's go to your wedding. that's the other problem. don't you dare laugh. (both laughing) i cannot wear this dress!

okay, don't panic. this is a nightmare. we'll fix it. we'll tweak it. i will not let youwalk down that aisle unless you look perfect and beautiful, i promise. do you have a chainsaw and a blowtorch? i think this weddingis gonna be a disaster. no, don't say that.

if helen had anything to do with this wedding, it is going to be perfect and tasteful and beautiful. that's true. minister: will you, douglas, take lillian to be your wife? will you love her, comfort her, and keep her and, forsaking all others, remain true to her as long as you both shall live? i do. and will you, lillian, take douglas to be your husband?

will you love him, comfort him, and keep him as long as youboth shall live? i do. by the powers vested in me by the state of illinois, i pronounce you husband and wife. you may now kiss the bride. (all cheering) ladies and gentlemen, here with us tonight is lillian's favorite band singing her favorite song.

put your hands together for wilson phillips! (whooping) hi, everybody! how we doing tonight? i am not paying for this shit. really? it's the last one, i promise. the last one. the last one.

(singing) i know this pain why do you lock yourself up in these chains? no one can change your life except for you don't ever let anyone step all over you just open your heart and your mind is it really fair to feel this way inside someday somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye until then, baby

are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry? don't you know don't you know things can change things'll go your way if you hold on for one more day can you hold on for one more day? hold on for one more day (indistinct) you could sustain

or are you comfortable with the pain? you've got no one to blame for your unhappiness no, baby you got yourself into your own mess letting your worries pass you by baby don't you think it's worth your time to change your mind? no, no someday somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye

(snickers) are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry? what's so funny? i put a loaded gun in dougie's carry-on. the tsa is going tojust rip his ass apart. helen: annie? did you havea nice evening? it was beautiful. yeah. what did you think of the wedding?

it was... it was great. it was great, right? it was perfect. it was great. yeah, it was great. it was really nice meeting you. yeah, it was... helen, it was really nice meeting you, too.

hey, you know, maybe sometime the three of us could go to rockin' sushi together. thank you, annie. i would love that. your ride is here. hey, how did everything go? strangely well. good. so, i ate your cake

that you left. you did? i mean, i had to fight some raccoons off. but that's okay. i'm pretty strong and tough, so it wasn't much of a contest. so that might have been... i'm just going to kiss you now rather than just... (radio beeps) dispatcher: officer rhodes, please report to...

oh, i'm on duty. and i need to put my uniform on. if i drive like this, they're gonna think i just stole a car, which wouldn't be great. you could ride with me if you want. you want to come? yeah, i do. come on. whoa, whoa! where are you going?

i'm getting in the car. no, no, no, you gotto get in the back. you can't sit in the front,it's against regulations. come on. come on. you're going to make me sit in the back seat? yeah, come on. sorry. habit. it's a force of habit. can i please get in the front seat?

actually, no, i'm afraid there's a warrant out for your arrest. reckless driving, littering, texting, consuming alcohol while operating a vehicle. you didn't think i was going to let you get away with that, did you? could we put the siren on? please? (singing) i know that there is pain but you hold on for one more day and you break free from the chains

yeah, i know that there is pain and you break free, break from the chains until then, baby if you hold on okay. this is tape 119. air marshall jon and i's first sexual encounter. is there a hungry bear anywhere? oh, i'm a hungry bear.

i just happen to have this bear sandwich. is there a hungry bear? i'm a very hungry bear. did you see how my flap opens? yeah, that's a good-looking bear sandwich. yeah, that's a big bear sandwich. do you want a bite of that sandwich? feed me. it's meat and cheeses.

uh-oh. i hope you don't have a salad. oh, yeah. hey, guess what. guess what, ham. fuck it up. i'm gonna fuck you up, ham nipple. ham nipple. fuck it up. (groans) a little hard.

ow! a little hard. a little hard.

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