Thursday, December 1, 2016

puppets for puppet

mayday! mayday! we are going down! we’vecollided with an asteroid! prepare for a crash niner, niner, breaker niner, vesselniner is orbiting the outskirts of the destination planet and can no longer hold course. i repeat,vessel niner to base, why wont they answer? we are going down. first mate, project the safest emergency descent path to a region that has over 10,000 lakes our odds of hitting water will be very high. captain, i've lost control of the auxiliaryboosters; we can no longer hold our gravity. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! don’t you die on me, don’t you die, you’rethe best darn captain i have ever had. [cough-cough] matey, [cough] take this book, inside this book, youll find a ma, a ma, a ma [cough]

noooooo! cappy! good thing we brought the organic matter converter can’t classify this grass as organic anymore. that device is just a regular matter converter on this planet. [haha he he ho ho]. matey you been looking at that book everyday since we crashed here. i have to try to understand it. if only i knewhow to read. i am no captain. darn right you’re not. give it up matey; we’re never going to get home.

technically cappy gave you the book and that makes you captain. you’re the first captain in five thousand years that hasn’t been able toread. [haha he he ho ho]. i'm going to the pub maybe we were a bit to hard on him guys he is the only one trying to get us out of here yuk gross gasp red alert, red alert another human invasion. everybody,you know what to do, do it now.

oh, no! the book we can loose that book! no, matey, no! just stay still what is it boy, what do you got there dog! looks like a book get back humaiod, thats my book, i'll shrink your face! dog, drop it, drop it. boys driver, wiz, come here, look at this. holy rotten macaroni! oh, that smells bad.what in goodness gracious is that? is it dead?

that looks like a carbon-based, high-nutrientrich extra terrestrial being from another galaxy. is that natural exfoliated skin?don’t, wiz. i don’t know, dog gotta hold of him. looks like he’s dead. that’s noalien. that’s a stinky old puppet that dad brought home from the lake. or it could bea genetic mutation from all the toxic waste build-up in the lakes around here.i can’tsmell a thing. you boys have fun; i’m too old for this crap. oh yeah, don’t forget,tomorrow night, your mother’s cooking dinner. holy mackerel! it’s alive! uh, hello? let’sget out of here! wait! wait! why should we wait? listen to me. i am the 1st mate of thegreat vessel niner of planetaria. we crashed here 30 some years ago. there were 15 survivorsincluding me; our captain died in the crash.

we have been living in a box on the banksof the lake for the last three decades. we don’t have the ability to rebuild our energyboosters without being able to read a book handed down for generations. we have justenough power to take off, but not enough booster energy for the 7-hour high-speed turbo lighthyper drive trip home. 7-hour high-speed turbo light hyper drive? how fast is that? um, iam not exactly sure, but it’s somewhere around 57 times the speed of light.fifty-seven-times light speed. howww man, ohhh, i gotta get me one of those. do youhave that vehicle on earth? ahh… that is what you call this planet,earth, hmmm. ummmm yes, we have buried our ship to keep it from being found, don’tworry we double-bagged it, but the problem

is our captain, (pause) cappy, she was thebest darn captain i ever had, and she died in the crash, i’m no captain, i can’tread. i can read and write over six- hundred different dialects, many of which are forgottenlanguages that fewer than a thousand people can speak today. maybe i can help. matey, this is basic english. are you telling me, you can speak english but you can’t read ityes. only captains learn to read on planetaria. it’s an honor. alright matey, we’re gonnateach you how to read this book. really, you would do that for me? what’s your names?i am matey. everyone calls me driver, and this is wiz. matey, now you can read thisbook. so this is basic english. it says... the legend. a long distance away, in a timeperiod very long ago, the galaxy was almost

all but lost. in this galaxy, there was aplanet not too different than earth, and on this planet, there was a colony of green day, a star burnt out. creating a small black hole, which over time began to grow,generating a massive gravitational pull, that threatened to devour the beautiful home planet,planetaria. one captain, in his greatest hour, took it upon himself to save the galaxy. heinvented a shrink gun and traveled greater distances than any other captain before him.the mighty captain became famously known as mighty. mighty brought along his son spacey,the best deck scrubber ever. spacey did not want to leave the beautiful planetaria andhis beloved sweetheart skippy. on the journey mighty & spacey encounteredintelligent life sparse throughout the galaxies.

mighty created universal symbols, wrote themin a book, and taught the intelligent life forms how to speak, read & write the differentlanguages. mighty also taught spacey, and spacey learned how to chart maps of all thegalaxies. soon it became required for all captains of planetaria to learn the book’sgreat knowledge. mighty also showed the intelligent lifeforms how to build massive structureswith only toothpicks, rocks, sand, and mud. in exchange for knowledge, mighty was allowedto collected precious stones and metals from all over the bountiful planets. together,mighty and spacey gathered the collection of precious stones and metals, shrunk themall, and loaded them onto their vessel. they traveled through the dangerous black hole,and buried their treasure hoping to reverse

the massive gravitational pull.lo and behold. it worked! the black hole began to shrink and the galaxy was saved. when mightyand spacey returned, mighty’s fame grew even larger. spacey’s beloved skippy hadmarried and became captain of her own vessel. mighty and his son had a falling out, wherespacey lost three eyes, a hand, and a leg. that day, spacey threw down his scrub brush,flying kicked mighty in the face with his good leg and threw mighty overboard with hisbad arm, commandeered planetaria’s most-prized vessel, took all of the books and maps ofthe charted galaxies, stole a shrink gun, created the most evil laugh, and sailed awaynever to be seen again. unknowingly and in complete secrecy to the planetarians. spaceyagain sailed back into the black hole and

dug up the treasure that he and his fatherhad buried. spacey took the treasure, traveled to a remote and distant planet, and buriedthe treasure. spacey drew a map, memorized it and burned it, so the treasure would neverbe found. spacey then burned mighty’s book and vanished into space. soon the planetariansrealized the black hole was on the rise again. the mighty captain searched the galaxies forhis son and treasure for the rest of his days, but never found them. mighty came across onlyone clue. his old book and the map that spacey had made years before, they were burnt, torn,and missing key coordinates.the mighty captain passed this book from generation to generation.the map was never seen again, and the tale was told until the story became a legend.meanwhile, the black hole continues to grow

and soon will consume planeteria. wait a minute,what is this? it looks like something’s hidden beneath the cover it’s the map. i get it now, that’s what cappy meant! she must have known about themap, she must have figured it out, it’s gotta be in that book, we had a mission, toget to earth, take down the space pirate, reclaim the treasure, and save the galaxy.(pause)thank you driver, how can i ever repay you? treasure. i could use some gold. treasure.i could use a diamond for my prototype micro chip processors. it’s a deal, if you helpme and my crew find the treasure and repair our vessel, then you can keep some gold, andyou can keep a diamond. deal. oh yeah, there is one more thing, the agency has been activelysearching for my crew and vessel since we

crashed.vessel niner’s invisibility scanner cloud was damaged when an asteroid collided withour ship. the agents tracked us on our descent course, but were never able to locate theship. you must keep this an absolute secret; if anything happens to me and my crew ourentire planet will be destroyed. if the agency catches us, we will be sent to area 52, atop secret alien base, no one even knows about area 52, i mean no one. the agents do reallybad stuff to aliens there. and they will lock you up forever if they know that you werehelping me. i will take the risk for some gold. and maybe you’ll let me drive thatship? i can’t promise you anything driver, even if we get the treasure, we only haveenough power to take off and orbit.

matey, i need a diamond for my prototype processorreal bad, i’ve been using synthetic diamonds, but it’s just not the same. maybe i cancome up with a super-powered liquid which could fuel your ship. i’ll get to work onit. alright guys, i will get the rest of the crew,let’s rendezvous at noon at the local pub and study this map.matey wait, how are you going to get past all the humans? come on driver, if we canfly through space, i think we can figure out how to hide from humans. we’ve been livingamong you for decades. you humans think we stink, you tend to leave us alone as longas we play dead and act bunch of stinky old puppets. oh yeah, i almost forgot! there isa secret entrance to the alien pub. [pause]

in the men’s room, just pull up on the toilethandle in the first stall instead of pushing down, and it will get you in. you may wantto wear a rain coat. dad, see ya later! me and wiz are staying out tonight, don’t waitup. ooh that was good, yeah were defiantly comingback alright, here i go! guys, this is driver.he’s helping us get home. wait, driver, go back. driver pages back.look at this! thisis the same symbol that is on the map. hold on driver. tear out these pages. tear themout? yes, do it, i think i’m on to something. alright. okay, now see here, this first symbollooks like a one, and this one looks like a two. driver, put these pages in order. woah,look at that!

that’s it, look at this, this number…[pause] this last number here must be the latitude and longitude of the buried treasure.holy moly! look at this; this is the exact region of the planet where vessel niner crashed30 years ago. cappy must have got us really close. alright guys, we need a good crew anda great plan to pull off this heist. from what i can make out from this map, the treasureis located here. this heist will not be easy. we need a mole, someone who can climb deepinto the earth, and tie our surveillance systems into the human network. i can do that. weneed a computer expert, someone to hack into the building blueprints and security system.wiz is a genius, he’s a computer programmer and inventor; he can come up with anythingyou technically need. right now he is working

on an experimental fusion fuel system foryour ship, very complicated stuff. alright, good. we need an icer, someone who can staycool in a hot situation. i got all the ice you need, brother. we needmuscle. what we need is a bouncer, someone big who can hold off the arsenal if need name is bouncey, my nick name is the bass and i can bounce any bar. okay. we need alocksmith. hey, i’m locky. did somebody say locksmith? on planetaria, i’m the bestin town. i can open any lock of any kind. we need a pizza. thin crust, pepperoni, extracheese. pizza, pizza, pizza pie, love my pizza pie.that was, pizza, pizza pie, love my pizza pie. we need a shredder, someonewho can solo on the guitar? (pause) where

is shredder? i do believe there is a rockshow tonight at 7 o’ clock, my good sir. okay, i will go talk to shredder. we alsoneed a gymnast, someone who is flexible and athletic. ha ha ha ha hawe need a getaway driver. come on matey, i can drive anything, 2 wheels, 4 wheels, orno wheels, i’ll drive it. alright, driver. you know the lake down thestreet? of course. on the south beach, there’s anold oak tree we’ve been living underneath. you get a hold of wiz, i will get shredder,and let’s meet there tonight at dusk. matey, uhh. yes, gymy? sure, why not? i amso glad we got to come with you. look gymy, i am here for one reason and one reason only,to get us off this planet, i don’t have

time for fun. gymy, it’s not you okay, it’sme let’s just get shredder and get out of here. matey look at this line! we’re nevergonna get in. woah, hold up there you four, we’re at capacity. you three would you liketo come inside? hey, yo matey. what’s happening my good friend? what are you doing here? fillingin for bouncey while he plays bass. i think ican sneak you in the back shredder is so hot when he shreds like that.alright, it’s time to go. head to the door. come on people, shows over. let’s go, timeto go home. there’s the door. yo matey, what’s up? come on backstage. shredder,can i talk to you? we need you for a job. alright, come on, let us there shreddinginvolved?

yes, we need a high-pitched shredder for thisjob, and you’re the only one who can do it. i don’t know matey, all you do is worknow. is this job any fun? fun, uh, what, shredder, how can you talk about fun at a time likethis? ehhh, psht, fun. it’s about fun buddy. ifit ain’t fun, i ain’t gonna do it. you gotta promise me, you start having fun ori am not shredding anymore. especially not for you.fine, i promise. okay? okay, then. i am in. let’s get this show on the road. we aremeeting at the box tonight. be there at. ehhh, shhh, no time schedule, this is supposed tobe fun. what’s the point of life, if you’re not having fun? let’s just say i will seeyou there. alright stand back. don’t worry,

this will not hurt a bit.oh man! you guyshave a table and a couch, a flat screen tv. really? i thought we went through this. wecan fly through space... we can build furniture and tvs too, not to mention we have a shrinkgun, we can shrink anything we need. matey, is this a microwave? no, it’s an organic matter converter! don’tyou have them? nope. what’s that? it will convert organicmatter into any other organic matter. let me show you.what do you want to eat? movietheater popcorn! matey places a bowl of grass and water into the box, closes the door, pushesa few buttons, opens the door and instantly has popcorn.thanks to the wiz, he plugged the coordinates

in from the book and downloaded secret bootlegcopies of the 3d construction documents, of the building now sitting on these latitudesand longitudes. the building is unmarked, unregistered, and highly secure. wiz foundone paper trail linking this building to the agency. we have no room for error. okay, itlooks like we can enter the parking lot here, or maybe here, or maybe here, but definitelynot here. the south side is guarded by two k9 pooches, trained to kill on sight, and16 independent motion sensor cameras. now the north side of the building is ourbest chance for entrance, only two cameras monitor the door.icey, you are up first. take out the transformer, here, this will give us precisely two minutes,before the emergency generator powers up,

and reboots the cameras.once the transformer is blown, moley, you must tunnel into the network here, when youhave located the network box, open it, cut the blue wire here, not the green wire, notthe red one, the blue wire, got it. yeah, i got it, blue wire.alright, after you cut the blue wire, clip on this device, it will allow wiz to see andlisten in on everything we do inside the building. moley, you have only one minute or locky willnot have enough time to break in before the cameras turn back on. after we have our eyesand ears, locky must get us through the front door here.locky, is one minute going to be enough to pick the quadruple dead bolt on the frontdoor? you’re pushing it, but yeah i should

be able to do it. we cannot have a shouldlocky, i need a yes or a no answer. alright, yeah i can do it. good, now once inside, theblueprints indicate we should be able to reach the main corridor here. that corridor leadsto a high-security laser field which protects the safe.gymy, you must be light on your feet.make sure you don’t touch a laser beam or the alarm will sound and we’ll all be trapped.okay, i can do it. once gymy deactivates the lasers, then it’s up to locky to open thesafe, here. now this is no ordinary safe, the largest collection of pure riches laybeyond the door. the mechanism is a triple bulldog center pinwith a titanium alloy core. the security is so advanced that no computer can crack ittoday. only old style techniques can get past

this safe. lucky for us, we got locky. oncelocky opens the safe, i will shrink the treasure, and bouncey will transport the treasure ingunny sacks, which are right here. after bouncey has loaded the treasure, we make our way tothe service elevator. we then can use the elevator to hoist the gems to the roof. nowthe roof is protected by reinforced bulletproof glass. once we are on the roof, shredder willplay the break note and break the glass, allowing us to hang glide to the ground where driver,wiz, moley and icey wait, here, with the getaway make it sound so easy matey. ithought this was supposed to be fun? i am counting on you shredder, to break that glass.wiz, show us the animation. i hacked into the city mainframe and downloaded

the 3d blueprints. i did a modular renderingof the building and all of its security systems. after the transformer is blown, and the jammingdevice is workin, we should be able to break in here, pick the lock and deactivate thelaser fields. once the safe is cracked, shrink the treasure and get it loaded, we can movethrough this corridor undetected, push the button to get the top floor here.use the elevator to hoist the treasure to the roof. when shrunken, the treasures loadis less than the elevator’s max capacity, because it will weigh much less hopefully it should hold, hopefully. as we reach the roof keep quiet until shredder plays the break note, wich will shatter the glass. then fly downto the getaway vehicle with the hang gliders

that driver has right there. any questions?uh, wiz, matey, that all sounds really good, but if our ship still has no power, then howare we going to fly home? we need 7-hours of pure power. as i remember, the ship hasonly enough to orbit. you just leave that to me, i’ll figure something out.sure matey, whatever you say. i think driver and wiz have a better chance of getting ushome than you. shredder, you need an attitude adjustment.everyone, rest up, tomorrow is going to be a big day. ahhhh, today we go home. everybody wake up, its time to get ready!

alright crew, you know what to do. let’sget it done, gear up, move out, on our way, journey on, mission go! check check can everybody hear me? yeah, we hear you wiz. alright driver, hit it, let’s get in position. alright mole, you’re on. in position, tell me when. 10-4, niner breaker. icer, you’re up. wiz, the transformer is blown. my missionis done. niner breaker tango delta squeeze. moley,do it now uh, wiz, we got a problem!

what’s the situation moley? you know how i was supposed to cut the blue wire? yeah whats the problem, cut it! there all blue wires! i do not show that on my reports, the agency must have change the security network box.moley, can you jimmy rig something? wiz, it’s done. got it, i got the feed. i got eyes and ears on everything. looks like theres an agent in the corridor. matey, gymy bouncey shredder locky you’re up! there got it, were in

gymy, you’re on. watch our for the red laser. wala, whew that was close alright lock, your up hurry up locky! shhhhhhhh, i am working here. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. alright, guys, settle down, you’re not out of this yet. load it up and get to that elevator shaft. were going home, we got the gold, were going home, we got the gold ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh great he has finally lost don’tknow what this means, do you? no, nope, uh-uhh, not a clue.this here says stuck. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh stop it, quite, everybody quite. i did not come this far to quit now! we got to get this door open. come on! help me! you guys, it’s our only choice. we must climb the cable to the roof! come on. whoa, uhh, whatever you do, don’t look down. breach, copy we have a breach. the gold rooms been taken alright shredder its time to shred!

go shredder, go shredder, go shredder shredder your awesome! everybody, show me your gliders agent 1 to base, they have flown off the roof. no, no, oh no, ohh, what are we going to do, ohh no, shredder, gymy, ahhh, you guys we got to save them. matey, it’s too late. they’ve got ’em. stop agency! agent 1, just spotted the ailens, outside the building front. send backup now, im going after them! alright guys, hold on, they will never catch us on foot. we can’t leave them behind!pick your battles matey, the agency has won this one, but we did escape with the treasure.

uh, where am i? you’re in a temporary holding facility. in one hour, a secure escort will bring you to area 52. we know what you’re doing, you aliens will never get away with it! i’ll never tell you anything. where’s the treasure? up your butt! you two, put them back in their hold cells, they have had enough probing for one day. gasp yes mam, i mean sir and you!, how did you let the others escape with the treasure? we got two.

two of them. find the rest of them, and kill them, and get me that treasure. so much paper work, geese gymy! you’re alive! i…i thought i lostyou forever. oh shredder! i’ve never felt like this before. me either! gymy, look! couldit be? come here boy, come here boy! well, this is worthless. gymy, what are those?i don’t know!? can you lasso them with your patch chord? good to have you back. look at what i found. what?not sure what they are, but this symbol looks like a lightning bolt. it says right here,this small can has 7 hours of power. shredder,

you found a supplement energy booster! thatis just enough to get us back to our galaxy. you really saved the day shredder. nice work. alright driver, help me uncover this craft. let’s get back to the safety of your oldman’s garage so we can fix the ship. its in that dirt! lets go! i just need to make a strong bondthat will hold for 7 hours during our high speed turbo hyper flight. driver grab some tape. grab the 7 hour powers. alright bouncey, load up those treasure. driver grab some gold, wiz grab a diamond.

pure gold! this is heavy! wow! a diamond,natural perfection. driver, it’s the only way. matey what are you doing. give me a minute to see if this works then i’ll unshrink the car. alright,but hurry up. wiz, can open the grage door so vessel niner has space to takeoff, while ohh, no, that’s it, i’m finished, the old man is gonna harvest my hide. driver catch! can i keep it? it’s yours. thanks. p alright driver, shrink us all to negative 4 times ships scale. smaller?

alright gymy, start it up! you know, i think i am going to miss this wonderful place you humans call earth now, unshrink us ten times over! ten times over?! wait matey, that will make you as bigas the garage… and how can driver keep the shrink gun? don’t you need that for hyperflight? vessel ninner requires more mass to better travel through the earth’s atmosphere.we always keep two backup shrink guns onboard each vessel for situation where we encounterintelligent life on other planets. come on, we can fly though space, we certain have thoughtof that. how do you all fit in there? i only see five seats. the ship is also equippedwith shrink gun technology below deck. as

the crew goes below deck, we are auto shrunkto preserve room and lower the mass. awwww you planetarians have thought of everything.darn tooting right we did. now, unshrink us driver, ten times over. ready, here i go.stand back. power it up, hoist the jib, man the sails, pull in the anchor, flick the switches,ignite the engines. hit the gas, pedal to the metal, light it up, let it roar, let’smake hyper-flight. ignite the booster energy. arrrrhhh, arrrrhhhh, shiver me timbers, andsaddle up them britches, let’s get us some treasure boys!

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